READING: ACCEPTANCE
Acceptance is not the same thing as adjustment.
Adjustment is the response and
accommodation to change – but adjusting to something doesn’t actually mean you’ve accepted
it.
Acceptance, though, is a word with more than one meaning. Acceptance, for instance, can
sometimes mean giving up. That’s not the kind of acceptance we mean! In this case, acceptance
means acknowledging and accepting the reality of a new situation, without fighting that new
reality. In the case of your loss, you must accept it. You must give in to the reality of the death
of a loved one, because all of your feelings, regrets, and your behaviors cannot change it. In
your grief work, you can change only yourself.
ACCEPTING THE CHANGE
Acceptance will mean different things at different points in your bereavement. In the earliest
stages of your grief, acceptance requires only that you acknowledge the reality of the death and
accept the changes in your life. Later, acceptance will mean submitting to your feelings and
accepting their power. As you work through the final stage of your grief, acceptance will mean
concession – your willingness to fully accept the loss and move on.
In many ways, acceptance underpins adjustment. In order to more fully adjust, you have to
really work on accepting the death and the changes it has brought.
What sort of things help people accept death? The memorials and customs that follow the
immediate loss play several important roles. Funerals, spiritual services, and commemorative
gatherings make death very concrete – which is clearly one part of acceptance. They also
provide an opportunity for people to vent their feelings, and in most cases almost any display of
emotions is okay, and often expected. Eulogies and other spoken memorials allow the bereaved
to formally say their goodbyes, and unspoken tributes like flowers allow a symbolic goodbye.
The family gatherings that often take place after the funeral allow the mourners to give and
receive condolences, talk and exchange memories, and again feel and vent emotions among the
closest to them.
Each of these customs contains the wisdom of folklore. Dealing with death means first
accepting its finality; everything that follows is about expressing your grief. These sorts of
customs each contain the very things that will help you accept your loss:
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They make the death very real.
They remind you that although the body of your loved one has passed, spirit and
memory lives on in your life.
They allow a way to formally say goodbye.
They provide a public recognition of your loss.
They provide the opportunity to openly display and vent emotions.
They allow the load of death to be shared with other mourners.
They allow you to get emotional support from others.
They allow you to give emotional support to others.
They give you the chance to talk about your loss, to reminisce, and to generally talk
with others about your loved one.
They give your support group a chance to see how you’re doing over the first days,
and to gauge whether more support or help is needed.