WHAT GOES AROUND – DEVELOPMENTAL NOTES
Grammar – Even though I did not do a line edit on this, per contract, I do have a
couple of general comments. First, there is too much use of ellipsis, often incorrectly.
They need to be pared way back in general, and removed entirely where they’ve
been used to begin sentences. Second, there are some issues getting into/out of
dialogue: commas used where periods should be and vice-versa, as well as failure to
separate some stand-alone actions from the dialogue. Other than those two issues, I
noticed only a small to moderate amount of other grammar/spelling related issues.
Matt Finnegan – His obsession with Nina after 21 years is arguably excessive
without a bit more motivation/backstory given. I know he (rightly) thinks she got
away with two prior murders, but she was convicted and served 21 years and is now
75-years-old—arguably not really a threat after all that time and at that age (and
presumably with no reports of bad behavior, etc. while at Holt). Just would like a tad
more motivation from him to justify his obsession.
Have concerns about his behavior at the hospital after Stan’s fall. Matt is established
early on as retired, yet flashes his badge at the hospital staff and even blusters about
her calling the station, filing a report, etc. It’s a crime to impersonate active duty
police, and for him to be so obsessed about Nina that he’s doing this (unless you just
forgot he’s retired and that was a mistake) ties back in to me wanting more
motivation for why he’d knowingly commit this offense.
Ed Finnegan and King Washington – Have concerns they are both a bit to abrupt
and pushy in their various interviews (school staff, psychiatrist, family, Schultz
couple), to the point it seems almost like stereotypical heavy-handed detective
behavior. Would much rather see them be charming and persuasive through
technique than take their “We ask the questions” and threaten to take people in
and/or get subpoenas attitudes.
Something to consider: despite appearances to the contrary in films and on TV,
detectives don’t always work in teams. Accordingly, considering eliminating King’s
character entirely and focusing solely on the Finnegans as the law enforcement
presence. This would give you a chance to flesh out one character (Ed) more by
having him do all the interviewing, and since neither of the cases start out as
suspicious (Crystal’s, in fact, already being closed) it would make sense that only
one detective was making a perfunctory appearance at the scene of Stella’s death to
begin with.
Plato Academy & Psychiatrist – No matter whom you have end up conducting
these interviews, I have some concerns about them as currently written. The school
is described as being very upscale and expensive, and the Dawson family is very
wealthy. Under those circumstances, I just don’t see the staff at a facility like that
giving out information about a student to police absent (a) express consent from the
family, (b) the ok from the facility’s legal counsel, or (c) a subpoena. This goes for
both the principal and the teacher.
With regard to the teacher, I have even further concerns that she would give out
detailed info not only on Crystal (especially the bit about the psychiatrist), who was
at least a current student and had recently passed away, but that she’d just start
passing out info on a former student who was still alive and there was no reason to
be talking about with police.
With regard to the psychiatrist, I just don’t see how they could possibly have gotten
a court order for those records (let alone that fast!). Crystal’s case was closed, death
ruled accidental. It takes quite a bit to get a court order for medical records,
especially psychiatric ones for a minor—from a wealthy, prestigious family to boot. I
would much rather see the detective try charming his way through this interview to
get the info, and then use the doc’s guilty conscience to justify her having a
hypothetical conversation with him in which she discusses things that explain
Crystal/Sandra, but in a situation involving a hypothetical case.
It’s done all the time, and provides some layer of protection for the healthcare
professional, while still allowing them to pass on info they know is important. Of
course, if you do it this way I’d also advise taking out the whole reporting of abuse
angle—if she is kind enough to work with him without a court order, he’d be a major
jerk to still report her under those circumstances.
Joey Dawson – Think it’s odd that no one at any point theorizes that he didn’t die of
SIDS, but rather than Sandra killed him—especially Mr. D after he gets wise. In fact, I
was waiting for that to happen during his dramatic conversation with Lila at the
end, but he still never made that connection. Almost seems wasted to put that in at
all if no one ever overtly “goes there” with the speculation.
Now, where that could be interesting would be if you could work that in, and also
line the ages up so that it occurred when Sandra was almost 10 at the time (instead
of 8), or change Phoebe’s first instance of the “rage” to her being 8 instead of almost
10—then you’d have a really nice overlap of that “rage connection” being Phoebe
feeling Sandra’s rage as she was killing Joey. Also seems to be what the Prologue
was tailor-made for, otherwise that just floats there with no tie back in to it at any
point.
Mr. & Mrs. Dawson – I think their exchange at the end is a little too drawn out,
especially considering they’ve been relatively peripheral characters up to that point.
Her staunch denial / head in the ground routine is well established at that point, so
perhaps consider if you couldn’t tighten up / trim down their conversation by the
lake some.
Stan – He only allows himself one martini a day…yet drinks wine all the time and
orders Champagne at the drop of a hat; a bit inconsistent. And why would he care
anymore at all after the new (death any time now) heart diagnosis? Also, don’t think
the prenup should mention death, only divorce. Otherwise, what’s she sticking
around for if a “death clause” is already in there? She won’t get it all when he dies as
currently written.
Phoebe – I found her willingness to latch onto Nina and Sandra at the expense of
Mary a little hard to believe. She was raised in a loving, conservative, religious
environment for 22 years, and her just tossing Mary aside so quickly and so
definitively seems hard to swallow, especially given how horrendously the first
meeting with Nina went. I understand the nature vs. nurture angle you’re working,
but would like to see a little more doubt/hesitation/guilt from Phoebe over this
angle given the totality of the circumstances. Same thing with regard to how easily
she goes along with Sandra’s lies to the Dawsons, and even thinks to herself that
doing so is “good fun.” Just didn’t feel true to the character’s background to me.
Sandra – She has a nice (for the character) sociopathic streak, but I have a few
concerns about some of her behavior. First, other than falling in love with the place
as a girl, I never really “got” why she was so attached to “her castle” to the point
she’d be willing to kill for it. And even then, once Stella was gone why wouldn’t
Sandra just be honest with her parents at least once and simply tell them how much
she loved the place and ask to be able to stay? (Before it reached crisis point.) Could
still have the resulting drama once they said no, but it seemed odd that she wouldn’t
just ask instead of resorting straight to murder plots. Sociopath ≠ stupid, and the
easiest way to get what she wants would be to just have it handed to her. Second,
though I know you need to get the police’s suspicion level up, her protests against
the autopsy seemed too blatant. Again, sociopath ≠ stupid, and she’d have to know
that would look suspicious. Would like to see that toned done a little. The lady doth
protest too much, as the saying goes.
Nina – In general, I loved her as a character (very icky if a real person!). Did have a
couple of behavioral inconsistencies I wanted to point out though. First, I’d have
thought she’d jump at the chance to move in with Stan as a great first step to
accomplishing Plan A. Seems like that would make sealing the deal on the marriage
that much easier. Second, why on Earth would she tell Phoebe she had a sister? Nina
is trying to get rid of Phoebe and any outside hindrances, and at that point Phoebe
thinks Nina is the end of the line. Why would Nina give her another bone to go dig
up, with the possibility being the other sister would then potentially come pestering
Nina too—the exact opposite of what she wants.
Ending / Loose Ends – This is the only “red flag” type issue I have in the MS. In my
opinion the ending is way too abrupt (on first read I honestly thought something
had been left out / the file was incomplete), inconclusive, and leaves too many big
loose ends. I just don't think the average reader will be satisfied with this ending.
I understand the nature vs. nurture angle you’re working, and while you don’t want
to spoon-feed readers per se, I’m afraid the ending will be just too ambiguous for
many to understand that’s what you’re going for there—that genetics/nature “won”
in this case and Phoebe’s become just like Nina and Sandra.
Finnegans – The police just disappear from the book 60 pages from the end with no
wrap-up of any kind. You made Matt out like a dog with a bone over Nina, so what
happens there? He just stops? Does Ed (and King depending on the potential
rework) walk away from the case too? It just feels really odd for the police, who you
went out of your way to show as being obsessed (both newly and old) with this case,
to just blip off the readers’ radar screens like that.
Mary – Readers get left with her having been choked by her daughter, put in a cab
and sent away—with nothing more. Leaves an open wound on the whole “would
Phoebe really treat the only mother (and a good and loving one by all accounts)
she’d known for 22 years like that after only knowing these people a few weeks”
question, which is already troublesome.
Stan – What happened to him? He’s a big (pun intended) loose end that Nina would
have to deal with before moving in and the three of them living “happily” ever after.
Interesting twist on this could be to have Matt go in and question him at the hospital
(or Imperial) and have the stress / outrage over the questioning cause that heart
problem you mentioned to kick in and kill him. How ironic would that be for Matt to
inadvertently kill Nina’s husband “for” her after his life-long quest to get her?!