Relationships do change throughout the course of your life, and I always think
in terms of relationships changing and evolving rather than starting and stopping Kimora Lee Simmons. [It feels a bit out of place to start with a quote from Kimora
Lee Simmons, who isn’t related to this topic! Try to start with your own words and
grip the reader in] In the coming of age novel, A Separate Peace by John Knowles,
Gene finds his true self in tandem with inner peace due to his relationship with
Finny. Finny gives Gene a fuller understanding of himself by giving him the strength
to become his better self rather than drowning in self-deprecating thoughts and
behaviors.
Gene's jealousy in the face of Finny's achievements consumes him; to cope,
he [Use “Gene” or “Finny” here instead of “he”]forces himself to believe that their
"deadly rivalry" is split equally amongst the two. Gene narrates, "We were even after
all, even in enmity. The deadly rivalry was on both sides after all,” (....). Deep down
in Gene’s consciousness he is aware that this jealousy is very one sided, that "[he]
was not of the same quality" as Finny. [This is good, but you could use a sentence
before the one that starts with “Deep down…” along the lines of: Even though this
excerpt suggests that Gene believes the two equally envy each other, in reality Gene
believes otherwise. Deep down in Gene’s consciousness…]Eventually, however,
Gene is forced to confront the reality of the situation head-on. After Finny reveals to
Gene that there has always been a sense of equality to him, Gene says, "He had never
been jealous of me for a second. Now I knew that there never was and never could
have been any rivalry between us. I was not of the same quality as he. I couldn’t
stand this. . . . Holding firmly to the trunk, I took a step toward him, and then my
knees bent and I jounced the limb." [For a short essay, this is a bit long of a quote!
You may consider shortening it or putting some of it in your own words. ](…). Gene
feels a strong emotion of defeat and acts upon impulse to cause Finny to literally fall
from grace and perfection [Add in: “grace and perfection into the water]. The
overpowering emotion that Gene experiences causes him to act in a way that hurts
his friend, causing him an immense amount of guilt and dishonesty [Hm, could find a
better word here other than dishonesty]. Through this event, Gene learns that he
doesn't need to be jealous because it will only hurt others. Eventually, Gene will
even learn regain control of himself and his emotions, primarily because of the
forgiveness and trust that Finny instills in him.
Gene and Finny begin to become a part of each other, thus protecting
themselves from reality: Finny's permanent physical reality and Gene's moral
shortcomings. Finny says to Gene, “Listen, pal, if I can’t play sports, you’re going to
play them for me,” Gene narrates, "and I lost part of myself to him then, and a
soaring sense of freedom revealed that this must have been my purpose from the
first: to become a part of Phineas." (…). It is only by teaming up with Finny -- a
mutual sharing process -- that Gene is able to flourish[Nice, these few sentences
here are really clear!]. In doing so, he is putting all his emotions into the goals that
they have set for themselves [Hm, a bit unclear. What goals are you talking about
here?]. However, no matter how much Gene wants to forget what he did to Finny, he
is constantly faced with the demons of his actions. Gene has faced the horrifying
truth but Finny refuses to, which in the end, hurts Finny once more. After the tragic
death of Phineas Gene says [A typo introducing the quote here somewhere, can’t
quite figure out your wording], “I never killed anybody and I never developed an
intense level of hatred for the enemy. Because my war ended before I ever put on a
uniform; I was on active duty all my time at school; I killed my enemy there. Only
Phineas never was afraid, only Phineas never hated anyone.” The war between
himself and the war between Finny has molded him into a better person.[ good. This
quote and your once sentence after go well together. However, again it’s a lot of
quote. You might want to cut this one shorter. And you might want to explore the
quote more – what does “on active duty all my time at school” mean? Maybe you can
pick that apart more, seems like there’s a lot of interesting words here to look at in
detail. It’ll make your teacher happy]Finny's inability to understand the notions of
war and enmity is what caused his tragic death; Gene now knows the
destructiveness of obliviousness.
Despite initial rivalry and conflict, Gene ultimately makes peace with his
inner self through his relationship with Finny. Through his inner battle, Gene
discovers that the rivalry actually lies within himself, and that the constant guilt he
endures is consuming him. Only when he can learn from this guilt, to realize its
consequences, can Gene escape from his own destructive mentality and move
towards self-realization; Finny is the catalyst for that transformation, even after he
is gone. As Gene’s envy of Finny grows, Gene realizes that Finny doesn’t return his
resentment; and ultimately, this infuriates him to no end, and Gene becomes jealous
of Finny’s seeming incapacity to be envious [Really strong paragraph so far!]. The
destruction of Finny results in Gene coming to terms with never letting your guard
down to the imperfect world that we live in[It’s best to avoid comments about the
“world.” Always best to keep it within your essay’s focus]. “Facing the truth can be
one of the worst things you could encounter. You don't like to live in the reality of it,
you just want it to be the happy ending to a love story.” – Dan Pellegrino. [It’s best to
end with your own words, a strong concluding sentence. Much like the quote you
used to open your essay, this quote at the end feels out of place]
Nice job overall! Good thoughts, paragraphs each have a point, good topic sentences,
some nice analysis in there too!
Some things to think about:
1. Given that this essay is only 2.5 pages, you might want to limit quote use. It
can take away from getting YOUR voice into the essay when your paper is
overrun with the author’s.
2. I’d find a way to open and close your essay without quotes. I think they’re
interesting quotes for sure! But they feel out of place in the essay and give the
impression that you couldn’t come up with an opening or closing sentence on
your own – wouldn’t want your teacher to ding points for that.
3. When analyzing quotes, try to pick a word or a few words to talk in depth
about. It makes for a really rich and closely-analyzed essay when you are able
to focus on individual words or phrases.
That’s all I got!