Embracing Your Power
A Family of Origin Intensive based on the work
of Pia Mellody
That which we do not heal from childhood we replay in
adulthood
Conducted by Johnnie Gachassin, LCSW
Disclaimer
Material presented in this PowerPoint has been
entirely created by Pia Mellody. Pia’s material
has been modified for teaching purposes only.
Every effort has been made to reflect Pia’s work
regarding her original intent. No part of this
PowerPoint may be used or reproduced in any
manner, whatsoever, without written permission
from Pia Mellody.
Section 1
Overview
Overview of Developmental
Immaturity Issues
Nature of
The Child
Childhood Trauma
causes
Core
Issues
Immaturity
both drive
Secondary
Symptoms
Unmanageability
all three create
Relational
Problems
Problems with
Being Intimate
1
The Inner Child Overview
Functional
Childhood
Ego State:
Precious Child
1st Ego-State
Emotional
Age:
Current Age
Physical Age:
Birth- 18 yrs
Dysfunctional
Childhood Immaturity
Wound-Child
2nd Ego-State
Adapted
Adult-Child
3rd Ego-State
Approximately
1-6 yrs old
Approximatel
y 7-18 yrs old
Valuable
Boundaries
Vulnerable
Functional
Adulthood
Functional Adult
4th Ego-State
Approximatel
y 7-18 yrs old
Childhood
trauma
causes
immaturity
Self-Esteem
Relational
Problems
Current Age
Approximately
1-6 yrs old
Core Issues
Secondary
Symptoms
Unmanageability
Core Issues
Less Than
Better Than
Too
Vulnerable
Invulnerable
Rebellious
Perfectionist
Reality
Imperfect
Dependency
Dependent
Too
Dependent
Needless/Wan
tless
Moderation
Spontaneous
Out of Control
Controlling
Childhood Trauma
AND
Immaturity
both drive
unmanageability
Depression
Anxiety Disorder
Chemical
Addictions
Problems with
Spirituality
Sex Addiction
Intensity
Physical Illness
Money Disorders
Eating Disorders
Behavioral
Addictions
Raging
Childhood
Trauma,
Immaturity,
AND
unmanageability
create
Relational
Problems
Problems
with Intimacy
Enmeshment
Dishonesty
Problems with
Interdependence
Love Addiction
Love Avoidance
Treatment,
Recovery,
Intimacy
And
Reparenting
can create
the
Functional
Adult
18-85
Years Old
Core Issues
Self-Esteem
Healthy
Boundaries
Accepting
Imperfections
Healthy
Expression of
Needs and Wants
Spontaneous &
Moderate
Core Issues
• Are manifested on a continuum
• Each end of the continuum is a child ego state and can be an indicator of
a posttraumatic stress reaction to early relational trauma.
A
B
1. Less Than
Better Than
2. Too Vulnerable
Invulnerable
3. Bad or Rebellious
Good or Perfect
4. Too Dependent
Anti-dependent or
Needless/Wantless
5. Super immature or
No Control
Super mature or
In Control
4
Discussion of
Overview Chart
Column I and its Connection to Column II.
The nature of the child and how the core issues emerge if child was
parented inappropriately.
1. Valuable
Parent falsely empowers child
Parent disempowers the child
child will feel better than
child will feel less than
2. Vulnerable
Parent without boundaries
or using walls
child will be too vulnerable
or invulnerable.
3. Imperfect
Caregiver identifies child’s
humanity as bad or good
child will be rebellious or
perfectionistic.
3
Discussion Of Overview
Chart Cont.
4. Dependent
Parent shames child’s
wants/needs
Parental neediness
Parental neglect of child’s
wants/needs
child will be
needless/wantless
child will be anti-dependent
child will be too dependent
5. Spontaneous
Parental failure to set
limits on the child
Parental focus on being
good and perfect
child will be in control of
being out of control
child will be too contained
and controlling of others
3
The nature of the
secondary symptoms
Column III
NEGATIVE CONTROL - is about trying to control or manipulate other people

Recovery is focused on self control and living in action instead of reaction to others
RESENTMENT (“victim” anger) - is about being stuck in the “victim” position after truly being offended
and/or making up you’re a victim and giving yourself permission to offend others
 Recovery is about protecting yourself and moving on
SPIRITUAL ISSUES - are about making others your higher power or trying to be the higher power of others
 Recovery is about developing a sense of love for self and others coupled with a sense of humility
PHYSICAL ILLNESS - is about getting sick from the internal chaos from, or deadness created by, relational
PTSD and core issues
 Recovery is about healing the PTSD and core issues and becoming sober and relational
INTIMACY ISSUES - are about having trouble relating to others appropriately because of the PTSD, core
issues and addictions
 Recovery is the same as PHYSICAL ILLNESS recovery
Core relational
recovery
Column IV
RECOVERY - is about learning to apply the concept of inherent worth to the self before you can apply it to
others and your relationship
•
Until this happens, we love others conditionally, which creates intense relational distress, and
eventually drains the relationship energy
•
When you are boundary-less, you enmesh with your partner and drain them
•
When you habitually use walls, you avoid being relational and create a sense of deadness in the
relationship
•
When you are unable to be truthful with another, you drain the relationship of energy
•
Being too dependent, anti-dependent or needless/wantless prevents interdependence
•
The shameless position creates relational chaos and resentment, and the uptight position breeds
resentments
Different Descriptors
of the core issues
Self-Esteem
Issues
or
Self Love
associates
with
Heart
Problems
Boundary
Issues
or
Self Protection
associates
with
Skin
Reality
Issues
or
Self Identity
associates
with
Skeletal
Problems
Dependency
Issues
or
Self Care
associates
with
Tissues
Problems
Moderation
Issues
or
Self
Containment
associates
with
Sphincter
Problems
5
Trauma
•
Trauma in a dysfunctional family:
•
•
Anything less than nurturing on the part of the caregivers
Trauma occurs around the child’s issues of:
•
Value
•
Vulnerability
•
Imperfection
•
Dependency
•
Spontaneity
RELATIONAL TRAUMA:
•
It is created within the child’s relationship with their caregivers
 This can be parents, grandparents, childcare workers, teachers, clergy, scout leaders, etc…
RELATIONAL TRAUMA:
• Creates posttraumatic stress reactions in important future
relationships
• Interferes internally with the child’s relationship with him/herself
• Influences the type of person this child will be relational with in the
future
THE TRAUMATIZED INDIVIDUAL WILL BE:
• Relational with what is familiar
• Even if it is abusive
• Because we naturally fear what is unfamiliar
• This leads to Relational problems and the Love Addiction/Love
Avoidant Cycles
LOVE ADDICTION CYCLE
LOVE AVOIDANT CYCLE
Greatest fear is that of abandonment with an underlying
fear of intimacy.
Greatest fear is that of intimacy with an underlying
fear of abandonment.
Trauma Issues:
Trauma Issues:
• I am worthless in relationship to my partner
• I need to be taken care of, as I can’t survive alone
• If I don’t get close enough relationally, I’ll die
• My sense of value comes from taking care of
needy people
• My job relationally is to take care of needy people,
if I don’t, I feel guilty
• To be relational (intimate) is to suffocate (die)
Early Relational Trauma
Relational
Enmeshment &
Avoidance
Relational Esteem
Problems
Relational
Dishonesty
Problems with
Interdependence
Relational
Intensity Issues
Spirituality
Problems
Chronic
Resentment
Control
Manipulation
Addiction
Compulsion
Physical Illness
5. Moderation
4. Dependency
3. Reality
2. Boundaries
1. Self Esteem
Roots
Mood Disorders
Relational connections
in childhood
The Major Care Giver
Takes care of the Child
Functional Bonding
(Involves affirming, nurturing and
limit setting)
The Major Care Giver
Uses the Child
To take care of herself
The Major Care Giver
Abandons the Child
Enmeshment
(Abusive, as it uses the child)
Abandonment/Neglect
(Abusive, as it fails to provide
the help a child needs)
Dysfunctional Bonding
(Involves criticism, neglect and indulgence)
3
Trauma Description
Enmeshment:
1. Physical:
• Use of implements, face slapping, shaking hair pulling, head banging, tickling a child into
hysteria
• Having a child physically nurture a parent
• Intrusive procedures (i.e. enemas)
2. Sexual:
• Physical sexual involving; intercourse, oral sex, and sex, masturbation, sexual touching
known as fondling, sexual kissing
and hugging
• Voyeurism, exhibitionism, verbal sexual trauma, failure to have sexual boundary in presence
of child and child to witness to
sexual trauma
• Emotional sexual, involving enmeshment by the parent or major caregiver
3.Intellectual:
•Attacking, shaming, or over control of the child’s expression of thought
4
4. Emotional:
• Shaming of a child’s expression of emotion
• Refusal to let child express feelings
• Improper expression of feelings by the parent or major caregiver
5. Spiritual:
• Religious addiction of the parent or caregiver
• Trauma at the hands of a religious caregiver
• Parent acting like he/she is a god or goddess of the family
• Indulgence or false empowerment of the child
• Perfection demanded of or expected from the child
Abandonment/Neglect:
Failure to Provide:
* Food
* Clothing
* Shelter
Failure to provide adequate:
* Physical nurturing
* Emotional nurturing
* Sexual information
* Medical and dental care
* Financial assistance and information
* Education
* Spiritual nurturing
* Being dismissive or shaming or a child’s wants
CORE ISSUES ARE:
•
•
•
•
•
About developmental immaturity
Caused by trauma in childhood
All five reflect the nature of a person’s relationship with the
self
There are two extremes in each core issue
They all interact with each other
RECOVERY FROM THESE CORE PROBLEMS ENABLES A
PERSON TO BE MATURELY RELATIONAL:
This is the process of “becoming a Functional Adult”
• The two extremes of each core issue are two child ego states
• In the child state we cannot function well in relationship with others
•
REMEMBER FOR CORE ISSUES:
 IN ONE EXTREME:
We will be overwhelmed, flooded and dissociative in relationship
 IN THE OTHER EXTREME:
We will be unavailable and aggressive or yielding and enabling
REMEMBER THE RESULT OF LONG TERM
CODEPENDENCE LEADS TO:
 IN LOVE ADDICTION:
We experience being overwhelmed, flooded and dissociative in
relationship
 IN LOVE AVOIDANCE:
We experience being unavailable and aggressive or yielding and
enabling
ROLES ASSIGNED TO CHILD WITH
ENMESHING ABUSE
“Positive Roles:” (acting in)
Hero or Heroine
Counselor
Surrogate Partners
Surrogate Parent
Mediator
Mascot
Daddy’s Little Girl
Daddy’s Little Man
Mommy’s Little Girl
Mommy’s Little Man
A person living in a positive role in an adult relationship:
Will be very good at being “good”
Being so adapted as a child, the adult person will seek intensity in order to feel alive, within
the relationship
The person will do this in a “positive,” covert manner
“Negative Roles:” (acting out)
Scapegoat
Rebel
A person living in a negative role in an adult relationship:
This person will be very good at being “bad”
Being so adapted as a child, the adult person will seek intensity in order to feel alive, outside
the relationship
ROLES ASSIGNED TO CHILD WITH
ABANDONING/ NEGLECTING ABUSE
“Negative Role:”
Lost Child
A person living in a negative lost child role in an adult relationship:
• This person will ac in a dependent, needy manner
• Being so adapted as a child, the adult person will try to create intensity
inside the relationship
• The person perceives that it is the relationship itself that keeps him/her
alive
Your own emotion and carried
emotion chart
BASIC EMOTIONS
ANGER
Resentment
Irritation
Frustration
FEAR
Apprehension
Overwhelmed
Threatened
OWN
CARRIED
ALL OVER BODY
Power
Energy
GUT
Pressure
Rage
TINGLING IN UPPER STOMACH
TIGHTNESS IN UPPER CHEST
EXTREMITIES
Numbing and/or tingling
Panic
LOWER CHEST
AND HEART
Hurting
GUT
Pressure
Hopeless
ALL OVER BODY
Lightness
WARMTH & SWEELING
IN CHEST AREA
Lightness
PAIN
Sad, Lonely
Hurt
Pity
JOY
Hopeful, Elated
Happy
Excitement
PASSION
Enthusiasm
Or
Desire
POWER & ENERGY
OR
SEXUAL AROUSAL
SEXUAL PASSION
Icky, slimy, dirty feeling
Nausea
LOVE
Affection
Tenderness
Compassion
Warmth
WARMTH &
SWELLING IN
CHEST AREA
WARMTH &
SWELLING IN CHEST
AREA
SHAME
Embarrassment
Humble
FACE, NECK AND/OR
UPPER CHEST
Hot/red
GUT
Worthless
GUILT
Regretful
Contrite
Remorseful
GUT
Gnawing sensation
BOTTOM OF FEET
Sensation of being
Stuck to the ground
SHAME
The emotion of shame is generally the most problematical “carried energy”
because it makes a child feel worthless
Therefore, it deeply wounds a child
Being shamed makes it impossible for a child or adult child to begin to
esteem their self from the concept of inherent worth
SHAME AS AN EMOTION:
Is an emotion generated from one’s thoughts when a person
becomes aware of another person seeing his or her humanity
or fallibility
SHAME AS A PUBLIC EMOTION:
Feels like embarrassment or humility and is accompanied
with a feverish sensation in the face and/or neck and chest
Helps us realize that we are fallible and not godlike
Allows us to effectively set limits on ourselves or contain
ourselves
Alerts us to our humanity and therefore, our imperfection
Allows us to see our imperfections and still like our self as
we know the essence of our human fallibility
SHAME AS A SOURCE OF ACCOUNTABILITY AND
SPIRITUALITY:
Tells you that you are human and not godlike
It is the nature of all human beings to be imperfect
Informs you that you can go “too far”
This “going too far” lets you know that you need to pull back and be responsible
for your negative impact upon others
THIS IS ACCOUNTABILITY:
The process of shame points out your powerlessness over your own issues of
fallibility
This process then sets you in a position to seek a relationship with a power
greater than self
Being in a relationship with a power greater than self assists you in facing your
issues of imperfection
SPIRITUALITY IS THE EXPERIENCE OF:
Being in a relationship with a power greater than self, greater than any human
being
A relationship with a power greater than self provides you guidance, solace, and
serenity
This is why shame is identified as an emotion, which is the source of spirituality
Without the experience of shame you would not be aware of your need for a
Higher Power
Without shame, you could conclude that you are your Higher Power
SHAME VERSUS GUILT:
Guilt occurs when a person breaks their own rules and/or operates outside their value system
Guilt is experienced as a “gnawing sensation” in the “gut”
Guilt is not attached to another person knowing about the transgression
Guilt does not make us feel embarrassed
However, when a transgression becomes public the person may experience shame along with
guilt
SHAME BINDS:
The shame of the adult gets bound to the part of the child that is being shamed
A shame attack indicates that a shame bind is present
One way to identify shame binds in an adult is to trace the source of a shame attack
If you have a shame attack, track the shame bind by identifying what immediately preceded the
attack.
That information will assist you in determining what the shame bind is
Example, if a person asks for a hug immediately preceding a shame attack, the person probably has a shame
need bind.
Specifically, the shame bind is a physical nurturing shame bind
SHAME BINDS CAN BE BROKEN BY:
Affirmations about you having a right to do what that shame bind states you
cannot do
Example, for a physical nurturing shame bind, a person might state, “I have a
right to ask for a hug”
SHAME BINDS ARE CONNECTED TO THE 5 CORE
SYMPTOMS OF DEVELOPMENTAL IMMATURITY:
Tracking Core Symptoms assists in identifying the shame bind
CATEGORIES OF SHAME BINDS ARE AS
FOLLOWS:
Self-Esteem shame binds
Boundary shame binds
Reality shame binds
Dependency shame binds
Moderation shame binds
These binds render one powerless in recovery from the
Core Symptoms until the shame binds are broken
Every time a person attempts to act in recovery around one of the Core
Symptoms, the individual will have a shame attack and become helpless
This occurs because of the powerful nature of carried shame
Your own shame does not completely limit you; it just causes you to limit
yourself when you are out of line
Carried shame shuts you down and shuts down your reality
• The instant you experience shame, you “cease to exist” as a spontaneous person
IN REITERATION, SHAME IS AN IMPORTANT EMOTION:
A person who does not experience shame, does not have the ability to limit their self
Accordingly, a person who does not experience shame feels free to do whatever he/she wants,
regardless of the effect on others
SHAME BINDS
Self Esteem Shame Binds- About Value
• Shame affirmation bind
• Shame existence bind
Boundary Shame Binds- About Vulnerability
• Shame external physical boundary bind
• Shame external sexual boundary bind
• Shame internal boundary bind
Reality Shame Binds- About Being Yourself
• Shame body binds
• Shame thought binds
• Shame feeling binds:
 Shame anger bind
 Shame joy bind
 Shame love bind
 Shame lust bind
 Shame pain bind
• Behavioral shame binds:
 Shame doing bind
 Shame not doing bind
DEPENDENCY SHAME BINDS- ABOUT BEING DEPENDENT ON OTHERS OR
HAVING WANTS
• Shame need binds:
 Shame food binds
 Shame clothing bind
 Shame shelter bind
 Shame physical nurturing bind
 Shame emotional nurturing bind
 Shame spirituality bind
 Shame educational bind
 Shame money bind
 Shame medical bind
 Shame dental bind
 Shame sexual bind
• Shame want bind
 Shame regarding expression or desire of wanting something
SPONTANETY SHAME BINDS- ABOUT BEING SPONTANEOUS, CREATIVE, AND
EXPRESSIVE
• Shame spontaneity bind
SHAME BINDS AND AFFIRMATIONS THAT
BREAK THEM
SHAME ESTEEM BINDS
• “I have a right to affirm myself.”
• “I have a right to be here on the planet.”
SHAME BOUNDARY BINDS
• “I have a right to set a boundary.”
SHAME REALITY BINDS
• “I have a right to affirm my body.”
• “I have a right to my own thoughts.”
• “I have a right to feel my: anger, fear, pain, joy, love, passion.”
• “I have a right to behave in a way that I deem appropriate.”
SHAME DEPENDENCY BINDS
• “I have a right to experience and take care of my needs.”
• “I have a right to experience my wants.”
SHAME SPONTANEITY BINDS
•
•
•
•
“I have a right to be creative.”
“I have a right to be spontaneous.”
“I have a right to express who I am.”
“I have a right to be me.”
TRACKING SHAME ATTACKS EXERCISE
Description of incident that set off
the shame attack:
What did you think and feel
during and after the shame
attack?
What did you do?
(a, b, or c)
Section-2
Self Esteem
Core Issue #1
core issue: #1
Self Esteem Issue- Relying on the outside world to determine our sense of worth
• Fluctuations from less than to better than indicates a person is relying on other esteem or
comparisons to others to establish a sense of worth
• Our weaknesses and strengths speak out to our humanity rather than define us as worthless
or better than
• This means:
 Learning to appreciate your strength instead of using them to feel better than
 Learning to contain negative characteristics in the interest of being relational
• The person has problems understanding and applying the idea of inherent worth to the self
• Believes his/her work is conditional
• Compares to others in terms of ideas and behavior
The underpinnings of this process lie in Dis-Empowering or Falsely Empowering Relational
Trauma in childhood:
Dis-Empowering Abuse
• Causes the child to feel Less Than or Worthless
Falsely Empowering Abuse
• Causes the child to feel Better Than others
Relationally
• The child will either put others in a position above him/herself
In the Dis-Empowering position
• The child will allow him/herself to be victimized
In the Falsely Empowering position
• The child will offend others
IN EITHER POSITION THE PERSON IS UNABLE TO LOVE THE SELF AND OTHERS
MATURELY.
Self Esteem
(worth, value, love)
• These words are interchangeable
• A person’s esteem is on a continuum from respect to warm regard
Esteem:
• Is a total reality experience
• Starts with a thought- “I have inherent worth.” It cannot be raised by my strength or lowered
by my defects of character
• Is experienced as a physical sensation- Warmth and swelling in the heart
• Is identified as a emotion- Love
• Is reflected in behavior- Respectful or loving care of self
Regarding Behavior:
• Culture fails to teach us to apply the concept of inherent worth to ourselves
• We are taught to compare ourselves to others to determine our value, i.e.:
 Other Esteem- what my children, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, parents do. Etc…
 Attribute Esteem- what car I drive, how big my house is, where I vacation, or what my
girlfriend/boyfriend or spouse looks like, owns, does for work, etc…
 Performance Esteem- winning at sports, business, extreme risk taking, etc…
• If you do not apply the concept of self-esteem to yourself, you will probably try to obtain a
sense of value through the affirmations of others or by comparing yourself to others
• This leaves you quite vulnerable to the opinions AND strengths of other people
• This causes our sense of worth or value to fluctuate between Less Than and Better Than
• Until we have learned to embrace the concept of inherent worth for the self, we won’t be
able to stay respectful when another person is being difficult. Staying respectful is the
minimum of love
• We suffer from only being able to love conditionally- this is immature love
• Fluctuating between being Less Than and Better Than interferes with your ability to be truly
intimate
I
Evidence of our humanity
(not a measure of one’s worthlessness or superiority as a person)
Negative
Weaknesses
(Need to be addressed and
contained if necessary)
Neutral
Addicted
Lives in North America
Positive
Strengths
(Need to be grateful for)
Artistic
ONE’S VALUE IS INHERENT
WEAKNESSES DO NOT MAKE US WORTHLESS
STRENGTHS DO NOT MAKE US BETTER THAN
BOTH JUST DEFINE OUR HUMANITY
Evidence of Humanity
Exercise
Negative
Description
Affirmation
Positive
Description
Appreciation of
the strength
INHERENT WORTH EXERCISE
My positive characteristics
(Strengths or Gifts)
How I use my strengths to feel
better than other people.
Strengths of another person
How I use another person’s
strengths to put myself down
My negative characteristics
(Weaknesses)
How I use my negative
characteristics to feel worthless, or
less than, other people
Negative characteristics of another
person
How I use those negative
characteristics to put that person
down
Daily self-esteem exercise
1.
2.
3.
What incident and following thought caused you to go one-up or one-down?
How old did you feel?
How did you get back to the neutral (I’m ok, you’re ok) position?
Sunday
1.
2.
3.
Monday
1.
2.
3.
Tuesday
1.
2.
3.
Wednesday
1.
2.
3.
Thursday
1.
2.
3.
Friday
1.
2.
3.
Saturday
1.
2.
3.
Section-3
Boundaries
Second Core Issue
Core issue #2
BOUNDARY ISSUE- Protecting and containing ourselves too much or
too little during intimacy.
• Vulnerable vs. Invulnerable
• Containment – an issue of being respectful of others
• Protection – an issue of self respect or self love
Intimacy
• A process of sharing the self with another person an/or receiving another person physically,
sexually, intellectually, and/or emotionally
• This creates a relationship
• A personal boundary problem occurs when one either has no
protection or containment during intimacy
RELATIONALLY:
• This is a Disaster
• Causes Chaos or Boredom
• Causes a sense of deadness during intimacy
• BASICALLY THE BOUNDARY PROBLEM IS A TRAIN WRECK
EIGHT BASIC EMOTIONS…
THEIR GIFTS
RESENTMENT
IRRITATION
FRUSTRATION
ASSERTIVENESS
STRENGTH
ENERGY
ALL OVER BODY
POWER
ENERGY
APPREHENSIVE
OVERWHELMED
THREATENED
PRESERVATION
WISDOM
PROTECTION
STOMACH
UPPER CHEST
SUFFOCATION
HURT
PITY
SAD
LONELY
HEALING
GROWTH
AWARENESS
LOWER CHEST
AND HEART
HURTING
HAPPY
ELATED
HOPEFUL
ABUNDANCE
HAPPINESS
GRATITUDE
ALL OVER BODY
LIGHTNESS
ENTHUSIASM
DESIRE
ZEST
APPETITE
ENERGY
EXCITEMENT
ALL OVER BODY
ENERIZED
RECHARGED
SPONTANEOUS
AFFECTION
TENDERNESS
COMPASSION
WARMTH
CONNECTION
LIFE
SPIRITUALITY
EMBARRASSED
HUMILITY
HUMILITY
CONTAINMENT
HUMANITY
FACE, NECK &/OR
UPPER CHEST
WARM, HOT, RED
REGRETFUL
CONTRITE
REMORSEFUL
VALUES
AMENDS
CONTAINMENT
GUT
GNAWNG
SENSATION
HEART
SWELLING
WARMTH
Boundaries
DEFINITION:
A system of limit setting that protects a person from being a victim and contains a person so that
he/she is not offensive to others
PURPOSE:
To contain and protect a person’s reality during intimacy and to establish identity
REALITY:
BODY or what we look like
THINKING or how we give meaning to incoming data
FEELINGS or our emotions
BEHAVIOR or what we do or don’t do
COMPONENTS:
EXTERNAL SYSTEM
contains and protects the body and controls distance and touch
External Physical Boundary
Protection:
I have the right to control how close you get to me and whether you
get to touch me and/or my personal property.
Containment:
The same is true for you.
External Sexual Boundary
Protections: When someone is approaching me sexually, I have the right to control
with whom, when, where, and how I am going to be sexual.
Containment:
Others have the same right to do so with me.
INTERNAL SYSTEM
contains and protects the thinking, feelings and behavior and acts like a
block or filter
Internal Listening Boundary
Protection: Use of the Listening Boundary
Internal Talking Boundary
Containment: Use of the Talking Boundary
Containment
Protection
Boundary violations
Internal Boundary Violations:
1. By word or deed, indicate that another person is worth less.
2. Yelling or screaming.
3. Ridiculing or making fun of.
4. Lying.
5. Breaking a commitment for no reason.
6. Attempting to control or manipulate another person.
7. Being sarcastic while being intimate.
8. Interrupting.
9. Blaming.
External Physical Boundary Violations:
1. Standing in another’s personal space without his/her permission.
2. Touching a person without his/her permission.
3. Getting into a person’s belongings and living space such as one’s purse, wallet, mail, and and closet without his/her
permission.
4. Listening to a person’s personal conversation or telephone conversations without his/her
permission.
5. Not allowing a person to have privacy or violating a person’s right to privacy.
6. Exposing others to contagious illness.
7. Smoking around nonsmokers in an identified nonsmoking area.
Sexual Boundary Violations:
1. Engaging a person sexually without his/her permission
2. Insisting on having you way sexually in the face of another’s “NO”.
3. Demanding unsafe sexual practices.
4. Exposing others to sexual experience without his/her permission. Sexually shaming another person.
OFFENDING FROM THE VICTIM POSITION
1. Somebody points out a negative aspect of your humanity
2. You have a SHAME ATTACK and start thinking that you’re worthless
3. With the shame attack your sense of power will drop and you start feeling helpless
4. Also, with the shame attack, your sense of abundance will drop and you’ll start feeling
hopeless
5. By thinking that you’re WORTHLESS, HELPLESS, and HOPELESS, you’ll start
feeling depressed
In this depression you’ll make up that you’ve been victimized and start offending
from the victim position
6. YOU WILL REACT BY:
a. Getting PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE and ACCUSING the person who has confronted
you that he or she has victimized you and therefore is an offender
b. Getting aggressive and RAGING your way out of the victim position which will
cause you to feel all powerful (controlling) better than and the source of
abundance
c. Having thoughts of self-harm, self-offending, and/or shutting down, going to
sleep, numbing out or becoming lethargic
7. 6.b (above) is known as being the BIG KAHUNA, GOD or GODDESS
• From any of these positions you will be offending others
• You will think it’s justified
• And you will experience an emotional hangover afterwards
Personal boundaries
A Personal Boundary System:
• Protects and contains a person during intimate contact
• When an individual protects them self, they keep themselves from being a victim, which is an act of self
esteem
• When a person contains them self, they keep them selves from being offensive which is respectful of the
people he is being intimate with
• Personal boundaries also enable an individual to identify who one is
Functional Intimacy:
• Occurs when a person receives the reality of another
• Occurs when a person expresses his reality without being too vulnerable or invulnerable
When An Individual Has No Boundaries:
• The Person will be offensive in his expression of self and will be too vulnerable when receiving the reality
of another
When An Individual Has A Wall For A Boundary:
• This prevents meaningful intimate exchange and is vulnerable
The Two Components Of A Personal Boundary System:
• External boundary:
• Protects and contains the body and is used in physical and sexual intimacy
• Exists when either one of the external boundary statements is activated
 Example:
 Someone asks if they can hug you
 You think about whether you want a hug from them before
answering
 When you want to give someone a hug ask permission before
you do
• Internal Boundary:
• Protects and contains the mind and emotions
• Is used during intellectual/emotional/spiritual intimacy
• Is operational when either the listening or the talking boundary is activated
The talking boundary is activated:
 Whenever you speak
 As you speak, you consciously follow the guidelines
 The listening boundary is activated:
 Whenever you are listening to another person talking
 As you listen, you consciously follow the guidelines
Three Containment Parts Of The Boundary System…
• External Physical
• External Sexual
• Internal Talking Boundary
Focus On:
• Boundary violations with an effort not to commit any of those violations
Format for talking
when using the internal boundary
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Set your external physical boundary in order to be more comfortable as you talk
Remind yourself not to blame
Remind yourself you are sharing to be known, not to control or manipulate
Remind yourself to regulate your emotions as you speak (breath work)
State what happened or what you want to share without using words that are
demeaning (Sensory Input)
6. State what you believe or made up about number 5 (Thoughts)
7. State how you feel or made yourself feel regarding number 6 (Emotion)
8. State what you did regarding number 5 and number 6
9. State how you would prefer things to be if that is appropriate. If negotiation is
required, start this process as follows: identify the problem; propose various
solutions; chose one solution and put it into action
10.Evaluate the results to determine if further negotiation is necessary
Note: It is easier for someone to be less defensive as a listener if you use
the phrases “made up about that” and “made myself feel about that.”
Talking Format
When I heard/saw you…
What I thought/perceived/made up about that
is…
And about that I feel…
Share you emotions
ANGER
SHAME
FEAR
PAIN
JOY
LOVE
PASSION
GUILT
Format for listening
when using the internal boundary
1. Set you external boundary in order to be more comfortable as you listen.
2. Remind yourself not to take the blame.
3. Remind yourself that you are listening to find out who the other person is, not formulate your
defense.
4. Remind yourself to regulate your emotions as you listen (breath work) and to monitor the
emotions of the person speaking.
5. Review that you protect yourself as you listen by determining: if what is being said is “true,”
“not true,” “questionable,” or a boundary violation.
6. If what you are hearing is “true”: open your boundary, take it in and have your feelings about
it.
7. If what you are hearing is “not true”: work at keeping your boundary closed. If you have let it
in, notice what you are feeling (pain, anger, joy, shame, passion, love, guilt, or fear) but don’t
attach to the feeling/s – actively work to push them out i.e., “this is not about me.”
8. If what you are hearing is “questionable”: when the person is finished talking, ask for the data
you need in order to decide if it is “true” or “not true.” Ask for the data in four sentences or less
without complaining, blaming or explaining why you need the data. This helps the other person
listen.
9. If you are experiencing a boundary violation: stand up for yourself, confront the boundary
violation, and ell them to stop.
10.Evaluate what you have heard to determine if negotiation is necessary.
LISTENING FORMAT
~Breathe~
&
Remind yourself that this person is risking being intimate by telling
you what he is thinking and feeling and you are simply
“FINDING OUT
WHO THIS PERSON IS.”
Listen to the other person’s thoughts and decide if you agree with
him or not or are confused.
True…………….. I agree with you and about that I feel… (emotions)
Not True……….. I have a different perception. Would you like to hear that?
Questionable…. I am Confused about……. Could you give me more information?
Remember…
This is about
________________
not about me.
And I must not
climb into his
process.
initial response after using the
listening boundary
“TRUE”
I HAVE THE SAME PERCEPTION AND ABOUT
THAT I FEEL… (EMOTION)
“NOT TRUE” I HAVE A DIFFERENT PERCEPTION.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR WHAT I
THINK?
“QUESTIONABLE” I’M CONFUSED CAN YOU GIVE
ME MORE INFORMATION
REGARDING…
spirituality
Definition:
• The state of being in a relationship with a power greater yourself and others that provides you with:
• Guidance (direction)
• Solace (relief)
• Peace (serenity)
• Grace (healing)
• Love or unconditional positive regard
• Non-destructive creativity
Spiritual Principles:
1. God is Truth
2. God is Love
Spiritual Practice:
1. Prayer
2. Meditation
3. Contemplation (reflection or thoughtful observation)
4. Personal Boundaries
5. Sound
6. Movement
7. Being in nature
Trust precedes truth, and truth precedes love
Boundary evaluation
1. EXTERNAL PHYSICAL:
Protecting Self
Containing Self
2. EXTERNAL SEXUAL:
Protective
Containing
3. INTERNAL
Listening (Protective)
Talking
(Containing)
NO BOUNDARIES
WALLS
FUNCTIONAL
Has trouble stooping others
from standing in his face,
touching or getting in private
property.
Often does not let others touch
him or his private
property.
Lets others know how close they can stand
and whether or not self or private property
can be touched.
Often stands in others’ faces,
touches others and their
private things without
permission.
Rarely approaches people for
physical contact.
Respectful of others private space and does
not touch without permission.
When being approached
sexually, often has trouble
setting limits.
Rarely responds to others
sexual approach.
Determines who, when, and how he will be
sexual when others are approaching him.
Often engages with others
sexually without their
permission, and has trouble
containing his sexual energy.
Rarely approaches others
sexually or releases sexual
energy.
Does not engage people sexually without
their permission, can contain or release their
sexual energy as is appropriate.
Often reactive to others’
thoughts and emotions.
Usually takes the blame.
Rarely listens to what is
important to others.
Sorts through what others are saying and
feeling; only takes in and has feelings about
the truth, as he knows it.
Often says whatever comes to
mind and does not contain
emotions.
Often gives the blame.
Often does not tell others what
is important to him.
Talks clearly, but in a politic and diplomatic
manner and releases their emotions with
moderation.
Daily Boundary evaluation
NO BOUNDARIES
1. EXTERNAL PHYSICAL:
Protecting Self
Containing Self
2. EXTERNAL SEXUAL:
Protective
Containing
3. Internal:
Listening (Protective)
Talking (Containing)
WALLS
FUNCTIONAL
Section-4
Reality
Third Core Issue
core issue #3:
REALITY ISSUE- Having difficulty being real, as well as politic and diplomatic
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Bad and Rebellious vs. Good and Perfect
Trouble sharing the self in a politic manner
We create ourselves when our sensory organs get stimulated
Data then goes into our brains where we assign it meaning
Produces a physical sensation known as feeling
Label the feeling as a certain emotion
Both thought and emotion drive our behavior
Giving the blame and taking the blame is dysfunctional and prevents mature intimate
exchange
Personal Boundary Problems Comes From Relational Trauma:
• A child so controlled and manipulated by the caregivers has no chance to develop a
sense of self
• Dis-empowering or shaming abuse can also cause an undeveloped sense of self
RELATIONALLY:
• No one shows up for a partner to be relational with
• Yet the appearance of relationship is there
• The partner of this person has a sense of a lack of connection even though the other
person is there
THE CREATION OF SELF
REALITY
BODY
(SENSORY ORGANS)
MIND
(WHAT I MADE UP ABOUT THAT)
FEELING
(PHYSICAL SENSATION)
EMOTION
BEHAVIOR
Becoming physically aware of the body
1. When relational trauma has happened in childhood, and it is serious enough, often in defense,
the child will start to detach from the awareness of his/her body. This can surface in the form
of:
•
•
•
•
Not noticing holding one’s breath
Not feeling tension increasing in the neck and shoulders
Not noticing one’s hungry until one is in a hypoglycemic attack
Failing to notice one is constipated
1. Detaching from physically feeling body sensations, which is the reality issue (core symptom #3),
can:
•
•
Cause a person to have difficulty feeling the stress of any one of the basic needs
This lack of awareness of sensations therefore negatively affects a person’s ability to
attend to needs so that the self-care issue (core symptom #4) is impacted
1. Detaching from physically feeling body sensations:
•
•
Impairs a person’s ability to feel their emotions
Example: a person may not be able to feel sexual arousal, joy, fear, etc.
How do I know how my body feels?
(mindfulness)
The purpose of this exercise is to help us be more aware of our bodies and how we feel physically. Becoming more aware of our bodily sensations
can help us become more aware of our feelings, for the only way we can know we have an emotion is by being aware of how that emotion has
changed us physically.
Complete the following exercises:
When you are standing in line at mealtime, or for medication, notice how you are standing. Is the weight of you body evenly distributed
or is there more weight on one foot than the other foot. Is there any stress or tension in the leg that is bearing most of the weight?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
If you ever lean on the counter in the Nurse’s station, what does that feel like in your body? Are one or both arms against the edge of
the counter or are they resting on top. What do your arms feel like against that edge? What do they feel like on top? How is the
weight in your body distributed, on one leg, on both, or is it mostly on your arms?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
When you are carrying your food tray, do you grasp both edges of the tray, just one edge, or do you balance it on one hand? Notice
the difference in the weight of you tray before you sit down to eat and the difference in the weight of your tray after you have eaten.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
When you sit down in a chair, do you need to move it so that you can sit? If you do, do you use both hands or just one hand? Do you
lift it at all, or do you slide it? Notice the muscles in you arms, back and legs that tense so that you can move it.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Do you feel hungry or do you eat out of routine? If you feel hungry, where in you body do you notice hunger? Is it just in your
stomach or do you also sense an overall weakness and lack of energy? If it feels like a discomfort in your stomach, is it a
dull or a sharp discomfort, is it close or deeper in your body? What size is your feeling of hunger? Is it the size of a golf ball,
orange, grapefruit, or basketball?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
How do you know in your body when you are full? What does it feel like physically?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
How do you know when you feel thirsty? Do you feel it in your mouth or some other part of your body? Does your mouth get
drier? If it does, where in your mouth does that happen? What does dry feel like?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
When you enter a building, is the air inside warmer or cooler than the air outside? How have you noticed that change of
temperature? Did you feel it on your eyes, your face, your neck, your ears, your hands or some other part of your skin that is
exposed such as arms, hands, or feet?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
If you are sitting on an overstuffed chair in the peer lounge, notice how you body weight is distributed. Is you weight evenly
distributed or are some parts of your body feeling more stress and tension than others, such as neck, upper back, lower back
or legs?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
How do you know you feel sleepy? Do you notice all over your body or just in certain parts of your body? DO parts of
your body feel sleepier than other parts of you body? What parts do you notice it in? What do those parts feel like? Do
they feel stressed, tense, heavy? Are there any points in your body that feel sharp or dull discomfort?
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________________
What does being tired feel like? Does it feel like being sleepy or does it feel different: Do you notice feeling tired all over
your body or just in certain parts of your body? Do parts of your body feel more tired than other parts of your body? What
parts do you notice it in? What do those parts feel like? Do they feel stressed, tense, heavy? Are there any points in
your body that feel sharp or dull discomfort?
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________________
How do you know you feel energetic? Where in your body do you feel energetic? What does energy feel like in those
areas?
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Thinking
1. Thoughts or perceptions are what we make up about incoming data:
•
•
Data comes from our sensory organs
Our sensory organs are our ears, noses, eyes, tongues, and skin
2. Explain that what we perceive, thing, or make up about incoming data is:
•
•
Is influenced by our history
If we have had a traumatic history or have had caregivers that had disturbed thinking, our thinking can
differ from what is generally perceived in our culture
3. There is a consensus about:
•
•
•
What is true and untrue regarding thinking
It is difficult for anyone to know what the truth is
This idea is probably where the statement “God only knows” comes from
4. We need to have humility regarding our own thinking:
•
•
We ca come off as one up and a pontificator
Humility comes from understanding the ideas in #3 above
5. Our perceptions are our truth
•
•
•
We own them
We should own them with humility
We have to be willing to change our ideas when we hear information that appears to be a greater
truth
emotion states
It is important to understand the role and impact of “emotion states” in the recovery process
The following is a description of the various emotion states:
1. Adult Emotion reality
• Emotions experienced by an adult about what is happening in the present day
2. Adult to adult induced emotion(s) reality
• This is the state of empathy that is produced between two healthy people
• It is an exchange of emotional energy
3. Child emotion reality
• Child emotion that is related to experiences in childhood that may be positive or negative
• The negative ones are related to trauma
• Produce the WC or the AAC wounded state
4. Adult to Child Carried Emotion(s) Realty
• Adult to child carried emotion(s) is emotional energy going awry in the empathic process between a
caregiver and a child
• This energy will produce the WC or the AAC wounded state
Hypothesis:
Whenever a Major Care Giver is irresponsible or in being of his/her feeling reality
• The feelings being denied or experienced will be picked up or carried by children
who are in the vicinity
• These children will feel overwhelmed
Detached from
Non-Toxic
Overwhelmed by
Your emotions
Area
Your emotions
Examples:
Fearless
Shameless
Fear-filled
Shame Filled
Behavior
Your behavior is:
• What you choose to do or not do
• You are responsible for these choices
• When you have the experience in which you cannot control you
behavior, it is because you are in a child ego state or a relational
PTSD reaction with another person
A lot about recovery is about changing your thinking:
• Which is very difficult to do
• Sometimes it works to change you thinking by changing you
behavior first
• So act as if until your thinking changes
Your own emotion and carried
emotion chart
BASIC EMOTIONS
ANGER
Resentment
Irritation
Frustration
FEAR
Apprehension
Overwhelmed
Threatened
OWN
CARRIED
ALL OVER BODY
Power
Energy
GUT
Pressure
Rage
TINGLING IN UPPER STOMACH
TIGHTNESS IN UPPER CHEST
EXTREMITIES
Numbing and/or tingling
Panic
LOWER CHEST
AND HEART
Hurting
GUT
Pressure
Hopeless
ALL OVER BODY
Lightness
WARMTH & SWEELING
IN CHEST AREA
Lightness
PAIN
Sad, Lonely
Hurt
Pity
JOY
Hopeful, Elated
Happy
Excitement
PASSION
Enthusiasm
Or
Desire
POWER & ENERGY
OR
SEXUAL AROUSAL
SEXUAL PASSION
Icky, slimy, dirty feeling
Nausea
LOVE
Affection
Tenderness
Compassion
Warmth
WARMTH &
SWELLING IN
CHEST AREA
WARMTH &
SWELLING IN CHEST
AREA
SHAME
Embarrassment
Humble
FACE, NECK AND/OR
UPPER CHEST
Hot/red
GUT
Worthless
GUILT
Regretful
Contrite
Remorseful
GUT
Gnawing sensation
BOTTOM OF FEET
Sensation of being
Stuck to the ground
HEALING AND REPARENTING MODEL
When the WOUNDED CHILD
Feels less-than, and worthless
The ADAPTED CHILD
Parents by:
Criticizing
and attacking
The
FUNCTIONAL ADULT
Heals and re-parents by:
Affirming
through self-esteem and reality
When the
WOUNDED CHILD
Feels abandoned,
needy
and wanting
The
ADAPTED CHILD
Parents by:
Neglecting
and abandoning
The
FUNCTIONAL ADULT
Heals and re-parents by
Nurturing
By taking care of dependency
needs and wants appropriately
and by setting boundaries
When the
WOUNDED CHILD
Feels out of control
The
ADAPTED CHILD
Parents by:
Indulging
The
FUNCTIONAL ADULT
Heals and re-parents by:
Setting Limits
through boundaries and
moderation
The functional adult
The Reparenting Process is designed to interrupt the dysfunctional linkage
between the Adapted Adult Child and the Wounded Child.
This process helps a client develop a sense of self which exhibits the ability to:
• Esteem the self,
• Set functional boundaries,
• Own self politically,
• Self-care independently, and
• Self-contain in moderation
The role of the Functional Adult is to take the job of parenting of the Wounded
Child from the Adapted Adult Child.
The Functional Adult shifts the experience of self-parenting from:
• Attacking to affirming,
• Abandoning to nurturing, and
• Indulging to respectfully limiting
In a “bird’s eye view” from the time we are born until we are able to relate as Functional Adults, we are “hardwired” through our:
• Neurological, cognitive, and emotional organization to turn to people outside of ourselves for survival and
guidance
• When we are in our Functional Adult state, we now regularly look to our own core self for guidance
• We are then coming from Truth, as we see it, which automatically places us in spiritual connection
recovery
Immaturity Issues
1. Trouble valuing the self from within
2. Personal boundary problems
3. Difficulty being authentic and political
4. Difficulty attending to personal needs and
wants and in being available for
interdependence
5. Lacks an attitude of “moderation in all
things”
*Functional Adult Skills
1. Esteems from within the presence of
his/her humanity
2. Able to be intimate with moderate
vulnerability
3. Comfortable with self and accountable for
his/her impact on others
4. Responsible for own issues of self-care &
willing to be interdependent
5. Able to contain the self as well as
maintaining a sense of spontaneity
*Parents the inner child through affirmation, nurturing, and limit
setting.
How I Create My Reality
My Senses
CONSENSUS
REALITY
(This is the
reality that most
people have
agreed upon.)
I sense something
with my eyes, ears,
nose, taste, touch.
My Mind
I assign meaning to
what I am
experiencing.
I assume why it is
being said & done.
My Body
My Behavior
My Emotions
Because of what I am
thinking I experience:
heart palpitations,
muscle tightness,
warmth, energy,
nausea, cold,
contraction, etc.
These physical
experiences are my
emotions.
Based on the thoughts
my mind has chosen
and the emotions that
result from those
thoughts, I choose
what kind of action:
words, gestures, body
movements, or
inaction I will take.
MY RESPONSIBILITY
I am responsible for
what I sense because
of my previous
experiences &
decisions on what I
will pay attention to.
15
©Pia Mellody
I am responsible for
what I choose to
think.
I am responsible for
what I feel physically
because my body is
doing what my
thoughts have told it
to do.
I am wholly
responsible for my
behavior.
How I create my reality
My Senses
I felt (on my skin), smelled,
tasted, saw, heard: (Make a
Brief statement.)
My Mind
I assigned meaning (good, bad,
etc.) to what I sensed:
I assumed it was being said or
done because:
My Body/My Emotions
My Behavior
Because of what I am thinking,
I experienced: energy, nausea,
sharp or dull pains, cold,
swelling, warmth, contraction,
palpitations, an expansive
sensation in my heart, etc.
I reacted by: (Briefly describe
your actions and words, or lack
of them.)
Section-5
Dependency
Core Issue # 4
Dependency
Having trouble with self-care and being interdependent with others
•
•
•
•
Too Dependent vs. Anti-Dependent or Needless/Wantless
Shows up as poor self-care
An inability to be interdependent
This comes from neglect, abandonment and enmeshment, which is energy
going awry
• This creates the caretaking of adults in the child’s early life
One extreme:
• The individual believes that he/she cannot take care of their basic needs and
wants
• Presents relationally as very dependent
• Asks for too much for a relationship.
The Other Extreme:
• The person is not able to ask for help with his own needs and wants
• Either because he/she believes it is wrong or unsafe to ask for help
• Also they are too detached from his own sense of needs and wants
RELATIONALLY:
• The too dependent person will be perceived as a burden
• The anti-dependent person will be perceived as a God or Goddess, needing
nothing
Self care issues
• We all have needs and wants.
• We become aware of them by paying attention to our bodies
• Needs are different from wants
 Our needs are basic to our survival
 They keep the body and soul intact
 Wants are not necessary for basic survival, but they are an important
part to our sense of abundance
 Our wants bring us a sense of joy
 Joy brings hope, and hope gives us a sense of abundance i.e. (I have
enough)
• When recovering from the fourth core issue, having trouble with self-care and
interdependency, it is necessary to attend to both needs and wants
• Initially the concentration must be on our basic needs
• Then include work on getting what brings joy.
Some people concentrate on fulfilling their wants only and ignore their needs:
•
•
•
•
•
•
Some are needless/wantless
Others are dependent
They expect others to take care of these issues for them
Some people attend to these issues, but refuse to be interdependent
Their needs and wants are not met sufficiently
They are anti-dependent
Interdependence is part of self-care:
• There are two aspects to consider:
1. One is about offering help
2. The other is about asking for help in regards to needs and wants
• There are three rules to follow in regards to interdependence:
1. Avoid asking for help when you can take care of the need or want yourself.
This keeps you from being too dependent
2. Decline helping if you think you are going to wind up feeling resentful (victim
anger)- this avoids overextending yourself
3. Decline helping if you will enable the person asking for help to be dependent.
Self care needs
INDEPENDENCE
NEEDS
Needy
Needless
Appropriate
Self Care
INTERDEPENDENCE
NEEDS
FOR YOURSELF
Ask
1. Food
1. Food
2.Clothing
2. Clothing
3. Shelter
3. Shelter
4. Physical
Nurturing
4. Physical
Nurturing
5. Emotional
Nurturing
5. Emotional
Nurturing
6. Spiritual
Practice
6. Spiritual
Nurturing
7. Education
7. Education
8. Money
8. Money
9. Medical
Attention
9. Medical
Attention
10. Dental
Attention
10. Dental
Attention
11. Sexual
11. Sexual
Don’t Ask
FOR SOMEONE ELSE
Enable
Resent
Appropriate
Wants are very individual:
• For example:
• You might want to go to the ballet or a baseball game where another person
would find those experiences absolutely boring
• Another person may want a diamond ring
• Another a trip to Mexico
If as a child you were shamed for your wants, and did not
get a chance to find out what brings you joy, it is difficult to
figure out what does
It is a matter of experimenting:
• For example:
• Pia thought she wanted to ride horses. She went to a riding stable and took
lessons, but learned she did not enjoy all the energy it took to engage in that
sport.
• She tried learning to bowl and did not enjoy that either.
• Then she joined a photography club and learned how to take photographs.
This she loved because she had so much fun doing it.
The wounded child
• The part of the self that is present when you experience child feeling reality
• The part of the self that was hurt and affected by child abuse and/or childhood
trauma
• This is the most wounded part of the self and reflects the issue of “not mattering”
• During the act of child abuse or childhood trauma, the child experienced feeling
vulnerable, damaged, worthless and empty
• When the child feeling reality surfaces, you feel vulnerable and will age regress
• You will act dependent and childish
If you are experiencing the Wounded Child:
• You are exhibiting the characteristics of developmental immaturity
• These are identified in the Overview of Developmental Immaturity Chart
These characteristics are on the left side in Column II on the Chart:
1. Less than
(worthless)
2. Too Vulnerable
(without boundaries; victimized)
3. Bad or rebellious
(less than perfect)
4. Too dependent
(wanting others to take responsibility for your care)
5. Super immature
(in control of being out of control of self)
The adapted adult
wounded child
•
•
•
•
•
The part of the self that acts adversely toward the Wounded Child
This part may attack, criticize, abandon, and/or indulge the Wounded Child
Reflects how the codependent was parented when the “wounding” occurred
It is the part of the self that adapted
This part became the “little adapted adult” who took care of the immature parent
in order to keep the parent stable
The Adapted Adult Wounded Child, hereafter will be identified as the Adapted
Adult Child (AAC):
• This is the part of the self that exhibits those characteristics of developmental immaturity
These characteristics are on the right side in Column II on the Overview of
Developmental Immaturity Chart:
• Better than
(often arrogant and grandiose; judgmental)
• Invulnerable
(operating behind walls for boundaries)
• Good or perfect
• Anti-dependent or Needless/ Wantless
• Super mature
(out of control with trying to be in control of self and others)
• The characteristics or symptoms of codependence are polarities
• These characteristics, identified with the Adapted Adult Child, are on the other end
of the continuum or extreme from the Wounded Child ego state
• The characteristics of the Adapted Adult Child reflect a culturally acceptable form
of the disease
• This part of the disease if often identified in this culture as being mature and
healthy
• Actually, it is a part of the disease of developmental immaturity
How do we explain the appearance of this shift from the Wounded Child ego state,
to the Adapted Adult Wounded Child ego state?
• The presence of the Wounded Child and Adapted Adult ego state can be
developmentally appropriate
• However, it is when the extremes of these states are manifested that they become
a pathological condition and process
Developmentally, at approximately age 5:
• Children’s brains are becoming more anatomically, electrically and chemically
active in the frontal cortex
• Children have a much greater level of comfort and adeptness with thinking,
analyzing, planning, conceptualizing and generalizing
• They can now reason from the premise to the whole, rather than react from their
immediate impression or emotion
• They are significantly more rational and well organized in their ability to adapt
At the same time, the activity in the limbic area of the brain becomes relatively quieter:
• This means the role and importance of feelings, markedly:
 decreases within the child’s subjective day to day experience
• With the combination of increased activity in the frontal cortex and decreased activity in the limbic
system:
 The child’s typical day-to-day experience becomes calmer, more peaceful and much more
focused
on their role in school and with peers
With the new cognitive adaptations, children become:
• Far more interested in their environment, and how to interact with it and master it
• At the same time, children’s social interests greatly expand outside of the parental realm
• As kids evolve through the 5 to 11 year range, opinions of peers, teachers, coaches, scout leaders,
etc.
take on much greater meaning to the child
• As the child increasingly identifies with the parent in the manner that they perceive the parent, their
subjective experience of day to day life begins to feel much less intense, needy, and painful
TIMELINE REFERENCE
From your trauma work identify the ages you were significantly traumatized and
mark those areas on the horizontal line below*.
Paralleling this evolution is the emergence of the “voice” with
talk to themselves:
which children
• This voice, is an inner observer and critic
• This voice begins to take on strikingly similar characteristics of the parent, as the
child perceives the parent
When a child is raised by dysfunctional parents, the experience of continued
emotional wounding that is unresolved wounding from before age 5:
• Is then internalizing dysfunctional parents’ behaviors and attitudes
• All of this makes a profound impact on how the child identifies with and
internalizes these parents
• This, in turn, becomes how the child relates to themselves
• How they treat themselves
• How they deal with their past and ongoing wounding
Section 6
CORE ISSUE #5
MODERATION
MODERATION/
CONTAINMENT ISSUES
•
•
•
•
•
•
Out of Control vs. Controlling of Others
Focus is on moderation or problems with spontaneity
In spontaneity we are being our most “real” self
We experience a profound sense of life and excitement
In our spontaneity, others are drawn to us
In their spontaneity we are drawn to them
The problem:
•
•
•
•
•
In our spontaneity, when we have no personal boundary, we are out of control and offensive
Pia calls this - “in control of being out of control”
If we have a wall containing our spontaneity, we are too contained
We are in an attitude of too much control
Pia calls this “out of control with being in control”
Relationally:
• Too much uncontained spontaneity causes chaos
• Too little spontaneity causes a lack of attachment
THE ISSUE OF MODERATION
•
•
•
•
Created by inappropriate use of containment in regards to The Reality Issue
This is all about how core issues 2, 3, & 5 interact
Pia likes to use the phrase “2 + 3 = 5” in order to help understand
To remember how these core issues interact:
 2- The Boundary Issue in regards to protection of yourself & others
 3- The Reality Issue in regards to spontaneity
 5- The Moderation Issue is the expression of spontaneity in a contained manner
• If you contain your spontaneity with a wall, you shut it down to such a degree that you
become toxic
HOWEVER, there are times when a wall is necessary
•
•
•
•
The toxic internal experience is about feeling “dead” inside
Being uptight and controlling of others
Pia calls it for want of a better expression, “being in the tight ass position”
Pia calls this being out of control with being in control
• It is comparable to being in the adapted adult child state
• If you lose your boundaries so that you cannot contain you spontaneity, you become toxic to
others
• What is toxic to others is that you are exposing them to too much of your spontaneity
• Pia calls this “being in the shitass position relationally”
• This is about being in control
• It is comparable to being in the wounded child ego state
RECOVERY:
•
•
•
•
Is about learning to use your personal boundaries to contain yourself
You are then containing your spontaneity
But not too much
This ability leaves you relational without being abusive
Offending from the
victim position:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Somebody points out a negative aspect of your humanity
You have a SHAME ATTACK and start thinking that you’re worthless
With the shame attack your sense of power will drop and you start feeling helpless
Also, with the shame attack, your sense of abundance will drop and you’ll start feeling
hopeless
5. By thinking that you’re WORTHLESS, HELPLESS, and HOPELESS, you’ll start feeling
depressed
In this depression you’ll make up that you’ve been victimized and
start offending from the victim position
• YOU WILL REACT BY:
a. Getting PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE and ACCUSING the person who has confronted you
that he or she has victimized you and therefore is an offender
b. Getting aggressive and RAGING your way out of the
victim position which will cause you to feel all powerful (controlling) better than and
the source of abundance
c. Having thoughts of self-harm, self-offending, and/or shut down, go to sleep, numb out
or get lethargic
• The B (above) is known as being the BIG KAHUNA, GOD or GODDESS:
• From any of these positions you will be offending others
• You will think it’s justified
• And you will experience an emotional hangover afterwards
The internal connections
of the core issues
You put yourself into psychological balance when you create:
~ A sense of value by understanding you are precious, in the face of your own humanity
~ A sense of power through self-control and living in action instead of reaction to others
~ A sense of abundance through active self-care and
interdependence
When you generate value, power and abundance inappropriately you go into imbalance:
• If you go to the Better Than, All-Powerful, Big Kahuna
 You become offensive
• If you go to the Worthless, Helpless, Hopeless position
 You will allow others to victimize you
• When any one of these issues (value, power, abundance) rise up into the offender position
the other two rise also
• When any one of these issues (value, power, abundance) drop down into the victim position
the other two drop with it
The internal connections
of the core issues chart
People Offend from this ego state
Better Than
Controlling
The Source
of Abundance
Value
(Core Issue #1)
Power
(Core Issue #2,3,5)
Abundance
(Core Issue #4)
Less Than
Worthless
Helpless
Powerless
Hopeless
People allow the self to be victimized from this
7
©Pia Mellody
Moderation exercise
example
One of the ways we can help ourselves be more moderate is to recognize what ego-state we are in when we are
not sure whether or not we are being too contained or not contained enough. If it turns out that our Wounded
Child or our Adapted Child was in charge, then we know we need to be in our Functional Adult ego-state in order
to re-parent ourselves
WHAT
HAPPENED
Which
Ego-State
Was In Charge
Too Contained
Not Contained
Enough
How Could My Functional Adult
Have Helped
Example: In group this morning I wanted to
talk about my phone call and the shame,
anger and pain I felt, but I let others talk and
I didn’t say anything.
Adapted
Adult-Child
Too contained
My Functional Adult could have told my
Adapted Adult-Child that it was all right to
feel afraid, then my Functional Adult could
have spoken up during a pause, or asked the
Primary if he could talk.
Example: During supper I monopolized the
conversation and spent the whole time
talking about my spouse and how unfair I
think he’s been.
Wounded
Child
Not contained
Enough
My Functional Adult could have told my
Wounded Child that it was all right to have
lots of feelings about my husband, but to also
ask some of my peers what they were feeling
and listen to them.
Moderation Exercise
What
Happened
Which
Too Contained
Ego-State
Not Contained
Was In Charge
Enough
How Could My Functional
Adult Have Helped
Section 7
Relationships
Love addiction/ love
avoidance/ family roles
Examine the various roles assigned to a child in a dysfunctional family system to understand the cycle of
avoidance and addiction:
Two types of roles are assigned:
1. Creates avoidance
2. The other creates love addiction
Roles that set up love avoidance:
• These roles in some way take care of the parent rather than the child
Some examples of these roles are:
• Family hero or heroine
• Family counselor
• Surrogate partner
• Surrogate parent
• Family mediator
• Family mascot
•Scapegoat:
 Will cycle relationally in a different manner than the other roles
 The scapegoat is used to discharge negative emotional energy and ideas upon
 The message to the scapegoat is that he/she is very good at being very bad
 In a perverse way the scapegoat experiences “value” by being very good at being very bad
 This role both falsely empowers and disempowers the child at the same time
 This avoidant will spend little time being seductive
 The person gets aggressive when dropping down into the wall of anger
 Does not hide how they create intensity
 Usually returns to the relationship because they think the partner is going to leave
The other roles create a heroic avoidant:
• This person spends a lot of time being seductive
• Is passive/aggressive when dropping down into the wall of anger
• Keeps their means of creating intensity secret
• Returns to relationship out of guilt
• It is more difficult for the partner of this person to recognize the distancing, but easier to maintain the
fantasy, i.e., making excuses for that distancing; believing the person returns out of deep love for them
The roles that create the love addict are the lost child and the
irrelevant child:
• This child experiences the parent as walled off, unless the parent is using a wall of charm or seduction
with the child
In numerous ways by denying the child’s reality that the parent is not available by:
• Excusing their own behavior or distracting the child by indulgence … buying or giving things, saying how
great a parent they are, suppressing the child’s expression of thoughts and feelings of loneliness,
sadness, etc…
• But a wall is a wall, and no parenting is happening
LOVE ADDICTION CYCLE
LOVE AVOIDANT CYCLE
Greatest fear is that of abandonment with an underlying
fear of intimacy.
Greatest fear is that of intimacy with an underlying
fear of abandonment.
Trauma Issues:
Trauma Issues:
• I am worthless in relationship to my partner
• I need to be taken care of, as I can’t survive alone
• If I don’t get close enough relationally, I’ll die
• My sense of value comes from taking care of
needy people
• My job relationally is to take care of needy people,
if I don’t, I feel guilty
• To be relational (intimate) is to suffocate (die)
Love Addiction
DESCRIPTION:
• Addiction issue - Individual is obsessed with a fantasy he or she has created about another person
• Believing one is “loving” the other
• When in fact, the individual is objectifying the other person through the use of the fantasy
HOW THE ADDICTION DEVELOPED:
•
•
•
•
Major caregiver “parents” the child behind a wall
The major caregiver uses a wall as an impenetrable personal boundary
Causing the child to be shamed by the caregiver’s neglect and distance
This undermines the child’s confidence in his or her ability to take care of their own-self
THE CHILD’S DISTORTED THINKING REGARDING RELATIONAL CONNECTION:
• In a relationship, I am worthless than the other person
• I need someone to take care of me
• I will not survive if I am alone
STANCE IN RELATIONSHIP:
• The individual is relational without personal boundaries
• Seeks to create intensity inside the relationship
RELATIONAL CYCLE:
•
•
•
•
•
•
Is attracted to a person, who is walled in and appearing powerful
Enters the relationship in the midst of a fantasy about the other person
The fantasy makes the love addict feel euphoric
Therefore, becomes obsessed with the other person
Using denial to protect the fantasy, ignoring the walls and distancing by the partner
Eventually, an event occurs that disrupts the denial and the love addict enters into an emotional
withdrawal from the fantasy
• Begins to use strategies to return to the fantasy
• Medicates the emotional upheaval and/or tries to get even with the partner
• Returns to the fantasy, or replaces the partner with a fantasy about a new partner
NEEDS EXPERIENCED IN THE EXTREME:
• Three basic needs are:
 Love, sex and food
 Human beings can manage any one of these needs/experiences inappropriately, by operating in
the extreme
• One extreme is to overindulge the need in an addictive or compulsive manner
• The other is to avoid the need in a compulsive manner
 Both extremes are self-destructive
 Often when an individual is operating in one extreme, it is not unusual to swing to the other
extreme
Love addiction is about being:
• Obsessed with another person
• In a state of delusion about who the other person actually is
Love avoidance is about being:
• “Allergic” to being intimate or relational in a vulnerable way
Sex addiction is about:
• Acting in a sexual manner in the face of harmful consequences
Sexual anorexia is about:
• Being “phobic” to being sexual or to the intimacy that being sexual represents
Compulsive overeating is:
• Using food in a manner that is harmful to the person
• Being unable to stop the behavior
Anorexia Nervosa is:
• Being avoidant in a manner that is very harmful to the person
A visual of “love,” sex, and
food on a continuum
Love Addiction --------------------------------------------------------------- Love Avoidance
(Addicted to a fantasy made up about another)
(Phobic to love and its intimacy)
Sex Addiction ---------------------------------------------------------------- Sexual Anorexia
(Addicted to sex)
(Phobic to sex and/or the intimacy sex represents)
Compulsive Overeating --------------------------------------------------- Anorexia Nervosa
(Addicted to food)
(Avoidant to food)
Love avoidance
DESCRIPTION:
• The systematic use of relational walls during intimate contact
• Prevents feeling overwhelmed by the other person
• Associates “love” with duty or work
HOW THE ADDICTION DEVELOPED:
• Major caregiver “parents” the child without personal boundaries
• Causing the child to “give care” to the major caregiver
• The child experiences a diminished sense of self
DISTORTED THINKING OF THE CHILD REGARDING RELATIONAL CONNECTION:
• My self-esteem comes from care-taking needy people
• Being relational is a job or a duty
• If I allow myself to be vulnerable, I will lose control over my life
• I will then - be unable to be myself
STANCE IN A RELATIONSHIP:
• Walls for personal boundaries are used to reduce intensity within the relationship
• This is coupled with a need to create intensity outside the relationship
RELATIONAL CYCLE:
• Feels compelled to take care of a person who presents as needy
• In order to satisfy the needs of the other without being vulnerable
• Appears to be relational, behind a wall of seduction to avoid being controlled
• Since the avoidant is there out of duty, not love
• Because walls drain energy, the individual feels resentful of the other person and moves to a wall of anger
• Expresses the anger in a passive/aggressive or aggressive manner
• Uses the anger to justify seeking relief from being on relational duty
• Creates internal intensity outside the relationship in an effort to “have a life”
• Usually feeling quite justified because the partner is victimizing him or her
COMMONLY THE INTENSITY IS CREATED BY:
• Risk taking with money
• Life threatening activities
• Overworking
• Sexually acting out with others
• Use of drugs or alcohol
Returns to the relationship:
• Out of guilt
• Fear the other will leave the relationship
• Sometimes, leaves for a new relationship, which is exciting
The dance
5. Creates intensity
outside of primary
relationship:
workalholism,
alcohol, affairs, risk
taking, gambling,
and sex addictionbut avoidant to
partner
Love Avoidant
1. Enters the relationship
out of duty, not love
Love Addiction
1. Is responsive to the
avoidant's seduciveness
and enters the
relationship in a haze of
fantasy.
2. Denies partners walls
5. Obsesses
and importance of life
about
outside relationship.
partner and
2. Enters behind wall
of seduction (impedes
intimacy)
medicates
using food,
sex and
fantasy
4. Emotional withdrawl
from fantasy: Pain,
Anger, Fear, Shame,
Rage, Panic
4. Escapes the
relationship in some way
creating distance from
the partner
3. Experiences
an event that
shatters the
denial.
3. Becomes overwhelmed
by the neediness of the
partner and moves from
wall of seduction to wall of
anger or resentment
Section 8
Recovery
Overview of Developmental
Immaturity Issues
Nature of
The Child
Childhood Trauma
causes
Core
Issues
Immaturity
both drive
Secondary
Symptoms
Unmanageability
all three create
Relational
Problems
Problems with
Being Intimate
1
RECOVERY:
• Now notice for yourself:
• How recovery from these core problems enables a person to be maturely
relational
• This is the process of “becoming a Functional Adult”
• The two extremes of each core issue are two child ego states
• In the child state we cannot function well in relationship with others
REMEMBER:
• IN ONE EXTREME:
• We will be overwhelmed, flooded and dissociative in relationship
• IN THE OTHER EXTREME:
• We will be unavailable and aggressive or yielding and enabling
REMEMBER:
• IN LOVE ADDICTION:
• We experience being overwhelmed, flooded and dissociative in relationship
• IN LOVE AVOIDANCE:
• We experience being unavailable and aggressive or yielding and enabling
Reparenting the
inner child
Inner Child Work is an intervention modality:
• This process can be used in the process of Re-parenting yourself
Reparenting Work is an intervention strategy:
• This process enhances your ability to take care of yourself
• It allows you to maintain an adult ego state
The Adapted Adult (Wounded) Child:
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
As mentioned before, develops from trauma that occurs between 5 - 17 years of age
This part of the self is not mature enough to begin to develop strategies to deal with the relational trauma
The strategies are immature, but they can give the child some sense of control
The oldest adapted child parents the earlier wounding through:
Criticism, neglect, and indulgence
The adult will begin to either wall in
Be unavailable and controlling
Or will become yielding, enabling, and manipulative
THIS OFTEN IS THE SENSE OF ‘ADULT’ YOU HAVE
• This is why it is important to focus on helping you confront the core issues and by doing so, develops a
functional adult
• Since the Adapted Adult Child is a wounded part of the self, it needs to be removed form the role of
parenting the self
• Before you can functionally parent the self:
• You must develop a sense of the Functional Adult
• This is accomplished by healing the primary symptoms of developmental immaturity
• Learning to self-love, self-protect, self-own, self-care, and self-contain allows one to be in a mature
relationship with the self
• It also establishes a sense of maturity within the self
• It is from these skills that:
• A person can affirm the self:
 When the sense of the Wounded Child is present, instead of being self-critical
• A person can nurture the self:
 When the sense of he Wound Child is present, instead of abandoning or neglecting the self
• A person can set limits on the self:
 When the sense of the Wounded Child is present, instead of indulging the self such as eating
or drinking uncontrollably
HEALING AND REPARENTING MODEL
When the WOUNDED CHILD
Feels less-than, and worthless
The ADAPTED CHILD
Parents by:
Criticizing
and attacking
The
FUNCTIONAL ADULT
Heals and re-parents by:
Affirming
through self-esteem and reality
When the
WOUNDED CHILD
Feels abandoned,
needy
and wanting
The
ADAPTED CHILD
Parents by:
Neglecting
and abandoning
The
FUNCTIONAL ADULT
Heals and re-parents by
Nurturing
By taking care of dependency
needs and wants appropriately
and by setting boundaries
When the
WOUNDED CHILD
Feels out of control
The
ADAPTED CHILD
Parents by:
Indulging
The
FUNCTIONAL ADULT
Heals and re-parents by:
Setting Limits
through boundaries and
moderation
Recovery
Immaturity Issues
*Functional Adult Skills
1. Trouble valuing the self from within.
1. Esteems from within in the presence of his/her
humanity.
2. Personal boundary problems.
2. Able to be intimate with moderate vulnerability.
3. Difficulty being authentic and political.
3. Comfortable with self and accountable for his
her impact on others.
4. Difficulty attending to personal needs and wants 4. Responsible for own issues of self-care & willing
and in being available for interdependence.
to be interdependent.
5. Lacks an attitude of “moderation in all things.”
5. Able to contain the self as well as maintaining a
sense of spontaneity.
* Parents the Inner Child through affirmation, nurturing, and limit setting.
Feeling Reduction work:
There are two hypotheses concerning “carried emotions:”
1. The first hypothesis is as follows:
• All our emotions are necessary and helpful to us because they give us a deeper, more intimate
understanding of what we are thinking about
• It is only when we carry emotions for others that the emotional state can become toxic or overwhelming
In other words, we are equipped to handle our own emotions:
• When we take and carry emotions for others we get overwhelmed
2. The second hypotheses is as follows:
• Whenever a major caregiver is irresponsible with
• Or in denial of his or her feeling reality
• The feelings being denied or handled irresponsibly will be picked up and carried by children, who are in
the vicinity
• These children will become overwhelmed by the caregiver’s feeling(s)
What this means is… When anyone is not handling his/her emotions functionally, such as:
• By acknowledging and releasing the emotions through breath work
• The energy of the emotion(s) will be released from the body with great intensity
• Others who are physically close to a person doing this will absorb the energy into their bodies
• Then will act it out, or carry it for the person who is being emotionally irresponsible
• Children are especially prone to absorbing the energy from their caregivers
When a child has been enmeshed by a parent:
• The child will be even more prone to carry this parent’s energy
• This energy will be “carried” into adulthood
• Then acted out by the adult child, until it can be released
• Or “given back” to the parent (person) who has been emotionally irresponsible
Feeling Reduction Work:
• This Work:
 Is symbolic
 Confronts the issues of the shame core
→ Shame Core is:
Carried or induced feeling reality, which results from the shameless behavior of the
offending major caregiver
→ Development of and the reaction to the shame core generates the disease of developmental
immaturity
 Alerts one to the source of his/her carried shame
 Helps one to understand how the sense of worthlessness originated and identify its point of origin
 Allows one to begin detoxifying from his/her carried shame or experience of worthlessness
 Reduces the number, intensity, and length of shame attacks
 Allows one to identify those persons who are responsible for the trauma
 Establishes who is to be held accountable
 Places responsibility for the healing process on oneself
 Retrieves self-esteem and empowers him/her self
→ Through empowerment, one experiences self worth
→ Is a cleansing process in which the survivor gives back the shame to the source
 Rich therapeutically
 Working to heal all of the primary symptoms of developmental immaturity
• Purpose:
 Is a process through which one gives carried feeling energy that is being held for a major caregiver
with whom he/she, the child, was enmeshed and releases that energy
 One outcome is that a person stops overreaction to current day adult dysfunction and trauma
Your own emotion and carried
emotion chart
BASIC EMOTIONS
ANGER
Resentment
Irritation
Frustration
FEAR
Apprehension
Overwhelmed
Threatened
OWN
CARRIED
ALL OVER BODY
Power
Energy
GUT
Pressure
Rage
TINGLING IN UPPER STOMACH
TIGHTNESS IN UPPER CHEST
EXTREMITIES
Numbing and/or tingling
Panic
LOWER CHEST
AND HEART
Hurting
GUT
Pressure
Hopeless
ALL OVER BODY
Lightness
WARMTH & SWEELING
IN CHEST AREA
Lightness
PAIN
Sad, Lonely
Hurt
Pity
JOY
Hopeful, Elated
Happy
Excitement
PASSION
Enthusiasm
Or
Desire
POWER & ENERGY
OR
SEXUAL AROUSAL
SEXUAL PASSION
Icky, slimy, dirty feeling
Nausea
LOVE
Affection
Tenderness
Compassion
Warmth
WARMTH &
SWELLING IN
CHEST AREA
WARMTH &
SWELLING IN CHEST
AREA
SHAME
Embarrassment
Humble
FACE, NECK AND/OR
UPPER CHEST
Hot/red
GUT
Worthless
GUILT
Regretful
Contrite
Remorseful
GUT
Gnawing sensation
BOTTOM OF FEET
Sensation of being
Stuck to the ground
Resources for recovery
Pia Mellody
www. Piamellody.com
Pia Mellody, Senior Clinical Advisor for The Meadows and Clinical Consultant for
Mellody House and Dakota, is known and respected as a preeminent authority, lecturer
and educator in the fields of addictions and relationships. Her work in codependence,
boundaries, and the effects of childhood trauma on emotional development has
profoundly influenced the treatment of addictions and issues around forming and
maintaining relationships. She is the author of several extraordinary books, including
Facing Codependence, Facing Love Addiction and her latest book, The Intimacy Factor.
As one of the pioneers in the field of recovery, she developed theories on the effects of
childhood trauma that became the foundation for The Meadows’ programs and are, in
large measure, the reason for its success.
Much of her work at The Meadows, a multi-disorder facility specializing in the treatment
of trauma and addictions, includes counseling with staff and individual patients. A highly
acclaimed lecturer, she maintains a schedule of speaking engagements and training
workshops throughout the world.
Audio:
• Pia Mellody
 Permission to be Precious
 Boundaries As A Spiritual Practice
 Love Addiction/Love Avoidance
 Shame
 Codependency and Parenting
 Co-Addicted Relationships
 Codependence Recovery and Self Care
 Spirituality and Sexuality
 Boundaries Original and Revised
 Relationships and Recovery
 Power and Intimacy in Relationships
 Roots of Codependence
 Mapping Your Recovery
 The Nature of the Inner Child
 Value, Power and Abundance
DVD:
• Pia Mellody
 Boundaries As A Spiritual Practice
 Recovery
 Self-Esteem
 Healthy Relationships
 Love Addiction/ Love Avoidance
 Codependence
Books:
• Pia Mellody
 The Intimacy Factor
 Facing Love Addiction
 Facing Codependence
 Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence
Additional Books:
• John Bradshaw
 Healing the Shame that Binds In You
• Peter Levine
 Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma
 Healing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body
 Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes
• Maureen Canning
 Lust, Anger, Love: Understanding Sexual Addiction and the Road to Healthy Intimacy
• Melody Beattie – (Daily Meditations)
 The Language of Letting Go
 More of the Language of Letting Go
• Judith P. Siegel
 What Children Learn from Their Parents’ Marriage: It May Be Your Marriage, But it’s Your Child’s
Blueprint for Intimacy
• Patricia Evans
 The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond
 Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You
 Teen Torment: Overcoming Verbal Abuse At Home and At School
The Meadows
The Meadows is a multi-disorder facility specializing in the treatment of trauma and addictions. The Meadows'
clinical experts reach beyond single-level treatment of addictions, behavioral disorders and psychological
conditions to diagnose and treat the underlying problems.
 Contact information:
Phone: 1-800-Meadows
Address: The Meadows
1655 N. Tegner St.
Wickenburg, AZ 85390
Website: www.themeadows.org
 Workshops:
Survivors I
Survivors II
Couples
Love Addiction/ Love Avoidance
Family Workshop
Sexual Recovery
Referrals:
The Healing Trauma Network for PIT Therapist
www.thehealingtraumanetwork.com
• Cara Weed, LCSW
Phone:713-952-8447
E-mail: cara.weed@yahoo.com
Website: www.caraweed.net
• Jan Bergstrom, LMHC
Trauma Therapist
Phone: 781-777-1172
Website: www.janbergstrom.com
• Alan Braverman, LCSW
E-mail: abtherapist@yahoo.com
• Rick Butts, PhD
E-mail: rickeph320@cinci.rr.com
• Johnnie Gachassin, LCSW
511 W. Convent St.
Lafayette, LA 70501
Phone: 337-261-0049
E-mail: johnnie@cox.net
Website: me@johnniegachassin.com