Effective Writing
Practices
Practical skills to own, whenever you write.
Kevin Raczynski
kraczyns@uga.edu
Session Objectives
1) Explore what is meant by “Going GREEN”
2) Explore how Going GREEN impacts other
aspects of writing
Weighting of Domain Scores
Weighting means that the scores in some writing domains will be
given more weight than others in determining the total score that
a student receives.
Scoring
Domain
Domain Weight
% of total score
Ideas
2 x raters’ scores
40%
Organization
1 x raters’ scores
20%
Style
1 x raters’ scores
20%
Conventions
1 x raters’ scores
20%
Zeroing in: IDEAS
•
The Key Elements of the
IDEAS domain
Controlling Idea (Focus)
Relevant Supporting Ideas
General Details
Specific Details
And Elaboration
Grade 3
General Topic
Context for the
Topic
Writing Situation
This unit, we have been studying rocks and
minerals native to Georgia. Examples include
Quartz and Kaolin.
Directions for Writing
Writer’s task
Pick one rock or mineral we have been
studying. In one paragraph, describe its
physical characteristics.
Quartz
Physical
characteristics:
1) Color
2) Hardness
Ideas: Emerging
•
Hi my name is JR. I will like to tell
you about quartz. They look they
feel soft and some are kind of rough.
Ideas: Focusing
•
Quartz has many interesting
physical features. It is one of the
hardest minerals. It comes in many
colors, like purple, grey and white.
Ideas: Extending
•
The physical characteristics of
quartz are awesome. You can find
quartz in grey, white, purple, brown
and pink. Purple quartz is called
amethyst. It is one of the hardest
minerals. It is so hard it can scratch
other minerals. It’s a number 7 on
the Moh’s hardness scale so it can
scratch one through six.
Grade 3
General Topic
Context for the
Topic
Writing Situation
This unit, we have been studying rocks and
minerals native to Georgia. Examples include
Quartz and Kaolin.
Directions for Writing
Writer’s task
Pick one rock or mineral we have been
studying. Write a report describing its:
a) physical characteristics
b) uses
c) location
Quartz
Uses
Physical
characteristics
Conclusion
These elements illustrated (Grade 3))
Quartz is a really interesting mineral found in
GA.
Controlling Idea:
•
Supporting Idea
General Detail
Specific Details
and Elaboration
•
Sample Body Paragraph
The color, shape, size and
location of quartz can be
different. You can find quartz in
grey, white, purple, brown and
pink. Purple quartz is called
amethyst. Quartz is found
worldwide. You can find quartz
at the beach. Yep, that’s right,
quartz is in sand.
Ideas Score: Does Not Meet
•
Hi my name is JR. I will like to tell
you about quartz. They look they
feel soft and some are kind of rough.
The loctain in Goirge an other place.
They uses for window glass wactchs.
Ideas Score: Meets
•
•
•
•
•
I think quartz is a very interesting mineral for
several reasons
Quartz has many interesting physical features.
It is one of the hardest minerals. It comes in
many colors.
Did you know that quartz can be found in
rocks all over the world? It’s the most
common minerals and is found all over the
world.
Quartz has many uses. One thing I did not
know is that quartz it is used to make
windows, paint, glass, lens, for eyeglasses and
even clocks.
So, I think you should go study quartz.
Ideas Score: Exceeds
•
•
•
•
Imagine you are climbing Georgia’s mountains. You
find a big rock. Then you hit it with a hammer. Ta
da! Something shiny and sparkly is in it. That is a
quartz. It is one of the hardest minerals. It is so
hard it can scratch other minerals. It’s a number 7
on the Moh’s hardness scale so it can scratch one
through six.
The color, shape, size and location of quartz can be
different. You can find quartz in grey, white, purple,
brown and pink. Purple quartz is called amethyst.
Quartz is found worldwide. You can find quartz at
the beach. Yep, that’s right, quartz is in sand.
Quartz changes by weathering. It doesn’t break
down easy though. Unlike many minerals it doesn’t
expand when it is heated or crack when it is cooled.
Quartz is also used in many ways. One thing I did
not know is that quartz it is used to make windows,
glass, lenses for eyeglasses and even clocks.
Now that I know so much about quartz I feel like a
geologist.
IDEAS feedback/exercise
# 1: GEN/SPEC
Quartz has many interesting physical features.
It is one of the hardest minerals. It comes in
many colors.
General Details
Specific Details
• It is one of the hardest
minerals.
• It’s a number 7 on the
Moh’s hardness scale.
• It comes in many
colors.
• You can find quartz in
grey, white, purple,
brown and pink.
Grade 4 Narrative
Writing Situation
General Topic
All of us have things that make our life
difficult at times.
Context for the
Topic
Writer’s task
Directions for Writing
Write a personal narrative explaining why you
feel it’s hard being you (at your age: 9 or 10)
Why it is hard being nine
Homework is hard.
I have lots of
chores.
>>details
>>details
Conclusion
These elements, illustrated:
Controlling Idea:
It is really hard being nine.
Sample Body Paragraph
Supporting Idea
Major Details
Specific details and
elaboration
First of all, is responsibilities. I
have one pet that is a cat. I need
to sometimes scoop up the nasty
poop and pee. The good thing is I
get to play with my cat. Then, I
have to sometimes clean my dirty
room when I don’t want to. Also, I
have to be a big sister. I have to
teach her and help her.
Ideas: Score Point 1
Do you think It is hard to Be 10. Well I
do Because I hate taking out the trash
and It stinks. If the sink is full I don’t
like doing that Because the water is cold.
I absolutely hate doing homework
Because It is super hard. I say It is hard
Being 10.
Ideas: Score Point 3
Hi, I am 9 years old. Have you ever had anything difficult in your life? While
your thinking here’s some difficult things in my life.
First of all, is responsibilities. I have one pet that is a cat. I need to
sometimes scoop up the nasty poop and pee. The good thing is I get to play
with my cat. Then, I have to sometimes clean my dirty room when I don’t
want to. Also, I have to be a big sister. I have to teach her and help her.
Next is school. In school I have to learn a lot of things and some things I’m
not good at. Then, I have to do homework and make sure I turn it in on time.
Then, I have sports. In sports I have to practice a lot and sometimes it takes
away some of my playtime. Also, I have a lot of games and sometimes it
gets boring, but I love it.
Last but not least is my family. My sister and cousins can sometimes be
bossy. Oh, and we fight a lot but not much. Also, we sometimes be mean to
each other too.
Now you know what is difficult in my life. Have you thought of yours yet.
Ideas: Score Point 4+
Do you think it’s hard being your age? It’s even harder being 9. Here is why.
I’m usually too short to ride the roller coasters I want to ride. A lot of my friends are
taller than me so they can ride them and when they come down they talk about how
much fun they had.
In addition I have to take care of my dog. I have to take the dog on walks, feed her,
give her a bath, and play with her. It’s hard doing that by yourself.
Also it’s hard having younger siblings. They can drive you crazy! They always expect
me to take care of them. I don’t understand why.
Here is another reason: There is so much homework! Between coming home and
going to bed, I don’t have time to do it all.
It’s hard to play softball for fast-pitch. The ball comes way faster than when you’re
playing coach pitch. The girls also throw faster and are really good at pitching.
Next you have to wait to grow up. I would love to be driving right now. That would
be awesome, but I can’t reach the pedals so I’ll have to wait.
Also my parents embarrass me sometimes. Like when they ask “Do you need to go to
the bathroom?” when they just asked that 5 minutes ago. That drives me insane.
Even though it’s hard being nine I’m glad I have all that I have. I have a great
family, a great home, and more. Being 9 has its hard times but in the end I’m glad
I’m still 9.
IDEAS feedback/exercise
# 1: GEN/SPEC
Next is school. In school I have to learn a lot of things and
some things I’m not good at. Then, I have to do homework
and make sure I turn it in on time.
General Details
Specific Details
• In school I have to learn a
• Lately, I’ve had to learn
• Then, I have to do
• I usually have two hours of
homework each night. I have
to have it done by the next
day.
lot of things and some things
I’m not good at.
homework and make sure I
turn it in on time.
how to multiply fractions,
which is really hard.
IDEAS feedback/exercise
# 2: ELABORATE
Lately, I’ve had to learn how to multiply
fractions, which is really hard.
 Great example. Add 1 more sentence explaining how you
feel when you are asked to multiply fractions.
It makes me feel so confused all I want to do is put my
head on my desk.
2011 Grade 5 Persuasive
Writing Situation
General Topic
and context
Writer’s task
Your principal is asking your class for ideas to
improve the school. What change would you
make to improve your school?
Directions for Writing
Write a letter to convince your principal to
make your change.
We need to make some lunch
changes
Cleaner lunchroom
More drink
options
>>details
>>details
Conclusion
These elements, illustrated:
Controlling Idea:
If you make these changes, our school will
be so much better. (response to 2011
Persuasive topic)
Sample Body Paragraph
Supporting Idea
Major Details
Specific details and
elaboration
Something needs to be done about
our drink options at lunch. Right
now, we have very few options.
There is milk, chocolate milk, and
orange juice. I think we should
add drinks like Gatorade, Smart
Water, and Fuze. These are
healthy drinks that are a lot more
exciting than the ones we have
now. And who doesn’t want more
excitement during the school day?
Ideas: Score Point 1
One day our teacher made us watch a elmo video when suddenly the
door opened. It was Mrs. H. aka the principal. Mrs. A. paused the
video and turned around without moving her feet. Then Mrs. H.
came in front of us and told us that are going to improve the school.
She told us if anyone has an idea write a letter an give it to your
teacher. Then our teacher turned the video back on. Meanwhile I
was talking to Jake, “Jake now’s my chance.” After schoo, I wrote a
letter.
Dear Mrs. H.,
I have a few ideas, so here’s a list. 1-3.
1. We would like to have a buffet line or a food court.
2. We would like to have longer recesses.
3. We would like to have shorter school hours too.
Sincerely,
G.H.
Ideas: Score Point 2
We would love a clean school! Are school
needs to be the cleanest school on earth! I
would enjoy a clean school, with nice
students. If we have a nice school it would
be the best school in the world. A nice,
clean, and beautiful school is the best
school of all.
We need a clean lavatory. It really stinks in
there now. It is also really dirty. It would
be great to get it all cleaned up.
Recess and other fun things would be great.
It would be fun to move around. I think we
should have a nice long recess. It would be
fun to sit in the grass.
Ideas: Score Point 3
This paper you are about to read shows the improvements I
think are fair. I hope you agree with these suggestions. I
also do believe they are reasonable for the school.
First off I think morning work should be put to an end. It
would give us more time to get ready for the day. I think it
would prepare us to be organized.
The second thing is the washing of tables. It would be more
healthy if the school used hot water with five drops of soap.
The table washers would wear gloves, so the things they
touch won’t get on the table. So, in conclusion the table
would be bacteria free, and students would not get sick a lot!
Third, I think it would be more fun if we all get into all the
holiday spirits with arts and crafts. Then it would give even
more ideal time for young artists. It would also give older
students a chance to have more fun with art.
I hope these are good enough to improve the school. I hope
you also agree with my choices. Goodbye to you.
Ideas: Score Point 4
I am writing this letter to tell you my opinion on how to improve the
school. I hope it will come in use. My opinion is for the school to have
cameras installed. This way you can see who has done something
against school rules. I think that this way would be easier than trying
to have someone confess and keep taking priveleges away from
innocent children.
The place I think is the worst is the bathrooms. In our fifth grade
bathrooms, boy’s mostly, people do not behave too well. Sometimes
they do something so bad that the whole fifth grade can’t use the
bathroom! This is why the bathrooms should be installed with
cameras.
The next place is the lunchroom. I am a quiet person who does not
talk much so I usually just listen and spetate. Kids at the lunch table
do bad things. They do stuff behind lunch ladies’ backs and make fun
of the picture on the wall. Sometimes they play with their food. All the
time I can hear them shout loudly, even when the lights are off! That
is why I say, if not the bathrooms, put cameras in the lunchroom to
catch those kids.
The last place I think kids act bad is the classrooms. They sure do
shout and argue with each other! Another way is when they put their
hands on someone. I get board of having to listen to lectures of
behaving good when I already do!
This is why my opinion of helping the school is to put cameras in the
school.
Ideas: Score Point 5
I am having problems with the stoplight in the cafeteria. I think it is not such
a good idea to have it. Of the few times in the school day we have to talk to
our friends, lunch is one of them. Actually, lunch is the best time to talk
freely. But the stoplight won’t let us. Yes, I know sometimes we make too
much noise, but the problem is, it’s on red too much. We don’t make that
much noise do we? Honestly, I have only seen the stoplight on green three
times this year.
The stoplight is also the reason a lot students talk in class. They probably feel
that since they barely talk in the lunchroom, that they should replace that
time with learning time. I’m not the only one who feels this way. The whole
fifth grade thinks this also. Some of the fourth graders are even making
petitions.
I know that you’re a busy person so I came up with my own ideas to help the
situation. First of all, what about getting rid of the stoplight? Go back to the
way you used to handle noise. Whenever it got too noisy, the cafeteria
monitors would turn the lights off. Some people can’t see what color the
stoplight is on so they keep talking. But everyone can see if the lights on the
ceiling are off.
Another solution I thought of is just reprogramming the stoplight to go on
green more often. If you don’t have any technicians, or if it’s too expensive
to hire one, I can do it. I’m a tech expert. All I need are the tools and
permission from you. I’m clean out of ideas for now. Thank you for taking
your time to read this letter.
IDEAS feedback/exercise
# 1: GEN/SPEC
First off I think morning work should be put to an
end. It would give us more time to get ready for the
day. I think it would prepare us to be organized.
General Details
Specific Details
• I would give us more time
to get ready for the day.
• It would give us more time
• I think it would prepare us
to be organized.
• We could take the time to
organize our desks so we will
be ready for the day.
to study for tests and to
finish any homework we
forgot about.
IDEAS feedback/exercise
# 2: ELABORATE
First off I think morning work should be put
to an end. I think it would prepare us to be
organized. We could take the time to organize
our desks so we will be ready for the day.
 Great work so far. Now, add one more sentence explaining
how being ready for the day will help you.
When we are ready for the day, we won’t waste time
looking for books or papers. We can get more learning
done.
Zeroing in: Organization
Better sequencing through Going
GREEN
Success
through… Planning/
Drafting
Prewriting
Revising &
Editing
Proofread/
Publish
Final
Draft
…the
Writing
Process
The Big Picture: How do I get there?
•
•
•
What is my position (in persuasive writing)?
What am I explaining (in informational
writing)?
What are my supporting ideas (main points)?
2011 Grade 5 Persuasive
Writing Situation
General Topic
and context
Writer’s task
Your principal is asking your class for ideas to
improve the school. What change would you
make to improve your school?
Directions for Writing
Write a letter to convince your principal to
make your change.
Planning / Prewriting
Clean the bathrooms
Have ice cream everyday
Get rid of the stoplight in the cafeteria
•
•
•
•
Kids need to talk at times
It is expensive to operate.
It is ugly.
Go back to the old system.
Kids need to talk
at times.
 Add details in
your draft.
Go back to the
old system.
 Add details in
your draft.
Connecting parts of the BIG Picture
•
Grouping: occurs when the
writer uses relevant details
to elaborate particular
supporting ideas.
The next place is the lunchroom. I am a quiet person who does
not talk much so I usually just listen and spetate. Kids at the
lunch table do bad things. They do stuff behind lunch ladies’
backs and make fun of the picture on the wall. Sometimes they
play with their food. All the time I can hear them shout loudly,
even when the lights are off! That is why I say, if not the
bathrooms, put cameras in the lunchroom to catch those kids.
Sequencing: Order Matters
Quartz has many interesting physical features. It
is one of the hardest minerals.
 Good! What is its hardness on Mohs Scale of
Hardness?
It’s a number 7 on Mohs hardness scale.
It comes in many colors.
 Yes, that’s true. Now, add one more sentence about
the specific colors it comes in.
You can find quartz in grey, white, purple, brown and
pink.
Sequencing: Order Matters
Putting it all together…
Quartz has many interesting physical features.
It is one of the hardest minerals.  It’s a
number 7 on Mohs hardness scale. It comes in
many colors.  You can find quartz in grey,
white, purple, brown and pink.
Sequencing: Order Matters
Next is school. In school I have to learn a lot of things
and some things I’m not good at.
 Good. Give an example of one thing you learn in
school.
Lately, I’ve had to learn how to multiply fractions, which
is really hard.
 Great work so far. Now, add one more sentence
explaining how you feel when you are asked to multiply
fractions.
It makes me feel so confused all I want to do is put my
head on my desk.
Sequencing: Order Matters
Putting it all together…
Next is school. In school I have to learn a lot
of things and some things I’m not good at. 
Lately, I’ve had to learn how to multiply
fractions, which is really hard.  It makes me
feel so confused all I want to do is put my head
on my desk.
Sequencing: Order Matters
First off I think morning work should be put to an end. I
think it would prepare us to be organized.
 What would you organize?
We could take the time to organize our desks so we will
be ready for the day.
 Great work so far. Now, add one more sentence
explaining how being ready for the day will help you.
When we are ready for the day, we won’t waste time
looking for books or papers. We can get more learning
done.
Sequencing: Order Matters
Putting it all together…
First off I think morning work should be put to
an end. I think it would prepare us to be
organized.  We could take the time to
organize our desks so we will be ready for the
day.  When we are ready for the day, we
won’t waste time looking for books or papers.
We can get more learning done.
Connecting parts of the BIG Picture
More Effective Transitions
• However
• For example
• Therefore
However
When you want to show contrast
between ideas
Many people think kids won’t drink
milk. If you get chocolate milk,
however, they will take it down in big
huge gulps!
For example
When you want to set up a SPECIFIC
example
I think it would prepare us to be
organized. For example, we could
take the time to organize our desks
so we will be ready for the day.
Therefore
When you want to show how one thing leads
to another.
We could take the time to organize
our desks so we will be ready for the
day. Therefore, we won’t waste time
looking for books or papers. We can
get more learning done.
2010 Grade 5 Informational
General Topic
Context for the
Topic
Writer’s task
Writing Situation
You have been chosen by a company to make a
new product. Your product could be a food, a
toy, a game, or any other item you want.
Directions for Writing
Write a report for the company that describes
your idea for a new product and explains how it
can be used.
Organization Score Point 1
Hye, my name is David Jones. I have
just come on to one of the greatest
game ever made. This game is called
“The Iner Street Racer.” On this game
you race at midnight so 5.0 won’t catch
you. To make this game even funner it
has different races on it. On this game
you can customize your car.
The response is too brief to receive more than a 1 in
Organization.
Organization: Score Point 2
Intro
discusses only
1 product
Minimal
Grouping
No
Conclusion
The products that I am writing to the company
are a drink maker so that you’ll have a drink
on a sunny day without in and out of the
house.
The other product I thought of is a silent
scooter for people who can’t walk. It has a
senser for when your about to bump into
something.
I also thought of a robot that can help you
when your hurt. For an example, you had
surgery on your leg of whatever, this product
can give you food and something to drink.
My next product is a safe with a D.N.A.
scanner so nobody will get your money.
Minimal evidence of control (e.g., there is some
grouping.)
Organization: Score Point 3
Brief
intro
Sequencing
()
Grouping
If I worked for a company my new product would be a game. It would
be called a Playstation 4 2010 special edition.
It is a computer, DVD player, 5 disc changer, 5 controllers. It is
portable and has wireless controllers and cords. You can put on a
helmet and use a steering wheel to play the game.  That is wireless
too. It comes with 5 of those too.
Games come with it too.  It comes with three games. There are also
lots of different games you can buy.  There are sports games. There
are action games. There are also adventure games.  You can play
these for hours and have fun.
It has surround sound and bass to it.  It is so loud that it might bust
your eardrums.
It has cool graphics.  When you play the game it looks so real.
Transitions
Brief
conclusion
It has a special controller that you can use all the time.  It is called
the mean machine 6,000. It is the best controller that you can use. It
has vibration on it too. It is computerized. When it gets to the hard
part you can kick some video game butt with the ultra mean machine
6,000. It is the best controller that anybody could use.
That would be the best product I would make for the whole world to
see.
There is clear grouping and generally clear sequencing, but transitions
are not varied. The intro and conclusion are brief.
Organization: Score Point 4
Intro
sets
stage
Sequencing
()
Grouping
Transitions
Conclusion:
Reminder of the
product’s benefits
If your like me, I never get good sleep with a bed filled with
springs.  I wake up two times at night if I’m lucky.  Well
that’s going to change with my bed called the dreamer bed.
Here’s how it works.  It is filled with tiney beads so it will form
your every position. Also if you don’t want it just filled with
beads, you can blow air in there, too.  To fill it with air you get
a pump that plugs into a small hole on the side that lets air in
and out, but does not let the beads out. If you put air into the
bed and you decide you don’t want the air in it, then pull the
plug and the air will come out.
If your wondering what it is covered with and how it is held
together, it is a soft material called cotton.  We thread the
cotton into thick string that is very strong.  Don’t worry it won’t
come apart.
You can take it anywhere you want.  If your going on a trip like
going camping and you don’t want to sleep on the hard ground,
then bring the dreamer bed with you! The dreamer bed is made
so the string can bend easily.
You can get the dreamer bed in any colors you want. You can
even put two, three, or four different colors. Many people think
nothing is perfict, but the dreamer bed is perfict! You can never
get sick of the dreamer bed.
This one has more consistent sequencing and more effective transitions than
the previous example.
Organization: Score Point 5
Catchy
Intro sets
stage
Sequencing
()
Imagination Inc, I introduce to you the toy that’s sweeping kidsoff their feet and
making them play to the Robotic Simon’s beat.  Say hello to fun in the future,
it’s Robotic Simon.
This toy is so awesome it comes in three modes. I bet your wondering what a
robot named Simon can do.  Well, it can do everything you do in the first
mode.  I call this mode “Simon Says.” (get it?)  In this mode Simon does
everything you do.  Wherever you go he goes. You lift your arm, he lifts his.
You lift your leg, he lifts his. Even if you jump, he has springs in his shoes so
he can jump. Lets say you get tired of Simon being your shadow.  Then break
out the controller to control Simon.  With this controller you can make Simon
do a weird dance. Maybe you can make him spin or jump. Now Simon wants to
be the boss.  So I call his third mode the “Bossy mode.”  In this mode
Simon goes wherever he wants.  If he wants to walk he walks. Maybe he
wants to dance then he’ll dance. Just for the fun of it he jumps then he will
jump.
Grouping
Now that I told you about Simon it’s time to introduce Simorina.  Simorina is
exactly like Simon just acts like him in a more female way.
Transitions
Okay now that you have played with Simon/Simorina with all you energy and
you want to put him/her away.  The only problem is you can’t find the off
switch.  All you do is clap your hands and he/she turns off.  Make sure
she/he is not on “Simon Says” mode or he’ll/she’ll just clap.
Let’s say a child under three tries to eat Simon/Simorina.  This toy sees the
danger with its eyes and plays a lullaby.  The baby puts Simon/Simorina down
and goes to sleep.
Compelling
statement
in
conclusion
This toy is completely safe. This a toy that kids in the future will play with all
day. Out motto is “Make every kids imagination run free” and that’s exactly
what Simon/Simorina is going to do.
The difference here: a variety of effective transitions link all parts of the
response.
More Effective Intros
•
Thought-provoking Questions
•
Setting the stage for the
body of the paper
•
Directly Addressing the Reader
Thought-provoking Questions
Have you ever wanted to breath
underwater? Here’s your chance.
It’s called the U.B.I. It stands for
Underwater Breathing Item. It will
definitely be one of the most useful
items ever invented.
Setting the stage for
the body of the paper
My product is called the Grab and Get
3000. The Grab and Get 3000 is a wire
that you attach to your television and
remote. What happens is that you put
your hand right through the television and
grab anything you want. When you put
your hand in everything freezes so nothing
will disturb you.
Directly Addressing the
Reader
Dear Mrs. Smith,
I’m glad you have decided to make some
changes, and I think that adding an after-school
football league is the way to go. I think you will
see happier students and teachers. If we’re
happy, I bet you’ll be happy too.
More Effective Conclusions
•Summary of Key Points Without
Repetition
•Reminder of Personal Connections
the Reader Has to the Topic
•Compelling Statement
Summary of Key Points
Without Repetition
Can’t you see now that we need
more soap in the bathrooms? We
want to prevent germs and people
from getting sick. This way,
everyone can come to school and do
their best.
Reminder of Personal Connections
the Reader Has to the Topic
People will love new Mega Nails.
Remember, tons and tons of hard, cold
cash will come from this product. And
what company couldn’t use more of that
these days?
Compelling Statement
Cats around the world will purr for
Oat Bran Delights. If there are any
problems with the food, just call our
800 number and you will get real
people with real answers. Remember,
Oat Bran Delights will make you and
your cat happier.
Zeroing in: Style
• Effective word choice through Going
GREEN
• Varying sentence structure
More Effective Word Choice
•Descriptive
•Figurative
•Technical
Descriptive Word Choice
 Gives the reader a much clearer sense
of your ideas
Simple
In school I have
to learn a lot of
things.
Descriptive
In school I have
to learn to
multiply
fractions.
Figurative Word Choice
 Allows you to emphasize a point in a
humorous way.
Simple
It really stinks in
there now.
Figurative
The bathroom
stench will knock
you off your feet.
Those little pink
pucks can’t cover it
up.
Technical Word Choice
 Works well in informational writing.
Some
It is one of the
hardest
minerals.
More
It is a 7 on
Mohs scale of
hardness.
Sentence Variety and Style
• Avoid too many simple sentences.
• Avoid similar sentence beginnings.
Avoid too many simple sentences
Too many: I really hate regular milk. I do like
chocolate milk. I like the taste. I know it is good
for me too.
Better: I really hate regular milk, but I do like
chocolate milk. I like the taste, and I know it is
good for me too.
Avoid similar sentence beginnings
Repetitious: I really hate regular milk. I do like
chocolate milk. I like the taste. I know it is good
for me too.
Better: I really hate regular milk, but I do like
chocolate milk. I like the taste, and I know it is
good for me too.
2010 Grade 5 Informational
General Topic
Context for the
Topic
Writer’s task
Writing Situation
You have been chosen by a company to make a
new product. Your product could be a food, a
toy, a game, or any other item you want.
Directions for Writing
Write a report for the company that describes
your idea for a new product and explains how it
can be used.
Style: Score Point 1
Hye, my name is David Jones. I have
just come on to one of the greatest
game ever made. This game is called
“The Iner Street Racer.” On this game
you race at midnight so 5.0 won’t catch
you. To make this game even funner it
has different races on it. On this game
you can customize your car.
The response is too brief to receive more than a 1 in
Style.
Style: Score Point 2
The products that I am writing to the company
are a drink maker so that you’ll have a drink
when you want a drink.
The other product I thought of is a scooter for
people who can’t walk. It has a senser for
when your about to bump into something.
Simple,
repetitive
word
choice
I also thought of a robot that can help you
when you don’t feel good. For an example,
you fell or whatever, this product can give you
food and something to drink.
My next product is a safe, nobody will get your
money. Its not good when you lose your
money. So you can put your money in it.
•
Word choice is mostly simple and ordinary.
Style: Score Point 3
If I worked for a company my new product would be a game. It would
be called a Playstation 4 2010 special edition.
It is a computer, DVD player, and 5 disc changer, with 5 controllers. It
is portable and has wireless controllers and cords. You can put on a
helmet and use a steering wheel to play the game. That is wireless too.
It comes with 5 of those too.
Simple,
repetitive
word
choice
Games come with it too. It comes with three games. There are also lots
of different games you can buy. There are sports games. There are
action games. There are also adventure games. You can play these and
have hours of fun.
More
engaging
word
choice
It has surround sound and bass to it. It is so loud that it might bust your
eardrums.
It has life-like graphics. When you play the game it looks so real.
It has a special controller that you can use all the time. It is called the
mean machine 6,000. It is the best controller that you can use. It has
vibration on it too. It is computerized. When it gets to the hard part you
can kick some video game butt with the ultra mean machine 6,000. It is
the best controller that anybody could use.
That would be the best product I would make for the whole world to see.
•
There are some lapses into simple, repetitive word choice, but more
often than not, word choice is engaging.
Style: Score Point 4
If your like me, I never get good sleep with a bed filled with springs. I
wake up two times at night if I’m lucky. Well that’s going to change
with my bed called the dreamer bed.
Here’s how it works. It is filled with tiney beads so it will form to your
every position. Also if you don’t want it just filled with beads, you can
blow air in there, too. To fill it with air you get a pump that plugs into a
small hole on the side that lets air in and out, but does not let the
beads out. If you put air into the bed and you decide you don’t want
the air in it, then pull the plug and the air will come out.
Engaging
word
choice
If your wondering what it is covered with and how it is held together, it
is a soft material called cotton. We thread the cotton into thick string
that is very strong. Don’t worry it won’t come apart.
Less
effective
control
of
language
You can take it anywhere you want. If your going on a trip like going
camping and you don’t want to sleep on the hard ground, then bring
the dreamer bed with you! The dreamer bed is made so the string can
bend easily.
You can get the dreamer bed in any colors you want. You can even put
two, three, or four different colors. Many people think nothing is
perfict, but the dreamer bed is perfict! You can never get sick of the
dreamer bed.
•
Word choice is consistently engaging.
Style: Score Point 5
Imagination Inc, I introduce to you the toy that’s sweeping kids off their feet
and making them play to the Robotic Simon’s beat. Say hello to fun in the
future, it’s Robotic Simon.
This toy is so awesome it comes in three modes. I bet your wondering what a
robot named Simon can do. Well, it can do everything you do in the first mode.
I call this mode “Simon Says.” (get it?) In this mode Simon does everything
you do. Wherever you go he goes. You lift your arm, he lifts his. You lift your
leg, he lifts his. Even if you jump, he has springs in his shoes so he can jump.
Lets say you get tired of Simon being your shadow. Then break out the
controller to control Simon. With this controller you can make Simon do a
weird dance. Maybe you can make him spin or jump. Now Simon wants to be
the boss. So I call his third mode the “Bossy mode.” In this mode Simon goes
wherever he wants. If he wants to walk he walks. Maybe he wants to dance
then he’ll dance. Just for the fun of it he jumps.
Engaging
word
choice
Now that I told you about Simon it’s time to introduce Simorina. Simorina is
exactly like Simon just acts like him in a more feminine way.
Less
effective
control
of
language
Okay now that you have played with Simon/Simorina with all your energy you
want to put him/her away. The only problem is you can’t find the off switch.
All you do is clap your hands and he/she turns off. Make sure she/he is not on
“Simon Says” mode or he’ll/she’ll just clap.
Let’s say a child under three tries to eat Simon/Simorina. This toy sees the
danger with its eyes and plays a lullaby. The baby puts Simon/Simorina down
and goes to sleep.
This toy is completely safe. This a toy that kids in the future will play with all
day. Out motto is “Make every kids imagination run free” and that’s exactly
what Simon/Simorina is going to do.
•
The writer uses a variety of carefully crafted phrases to engage the audience. Audience
awareness is strong (e.g., “Now that I told you”).
Zeroing in:
Conventions
Identify/Eliminate Major Editing Errors:
• Comma splice
• Fused sentence
• Fragment
• Agreement errors
Conventions Breakdown
Conventions
Capitalization
Paragraph Breaks
Sentence Correctness
Spelling
Sentence Clarity
Internal Punctuation
Sentence Complexity
Verb Tenses
End Punctuation
Word Forms
Subject-Verb Agreement
Major Editing Errors
• Comma splice
• Fused sentence
• Fragment
• Agreement errors
Comma Splice
 Happens when you try to join two sentences with a
comma.
Fault: It has surround sound and bass to it, it is so loud that it
might bust your eardrums.
Fix 1: It has surround sound and bass to it. It is so loud that it
might burst your eardrums.
Fix 2: It has surround sound a bass to it; it is so loud that it
might burst your eardrums.
Fused Sentence
 Happens when you try to join two sentences without
any punctuation.
Fault: It is the best controller that you can use it has vibration
on it too.
Fix 1: It is the best controller that you can use. It has vibration
on it too.
Fix 2: It is the best controller that you can use; it has vibration
on it too.
Fix 3: It is the best controller that you can use, and it has
vibration on it too.
Fragment
 Happens when a sentence is missing a subject or
predicate.
Fault: The Playstation 4 comes with many games. Lots of
excitement.
Fix: The Playstation 4 comes with many games, so kids will
enjoy lots of excitement.
Exception—functional fragment: The Playstation 4 has many
appropriate games that parents can feel good about. Games
with no violence. No blood and gore. There are actually many
games that are educational.
Agreement Errors
Agreement/Word Form Errors
Fault 1—Subject/Verb Disagreement: Kids already has a
Playstation 3.
Fix: Kids already have a Playstation 3.
Fault 2—Pronoun/Antecedent Disagreement (often related to
number): If a student wants to play games at school, now they
can with my new PSP.
Fix: If a student wants to play games at school, now he or she
can with my new PSP.
Fault 3—Incorrect Word Forms: The Playstation 4 comes with 2
game.
.
Fix: The Playstation 4 comes with 2 games
2010 Grade 5 Informational
General Topic
Context for the
Topic
Writer’s task
Writing Situation
You have been chosen by a company to make a
new product. Your product could be a food, a
toy, a game, or any other item you want.
Directions for Writing
Write a report for the company that describes
your idea for a new product and explains how it
can be used.
Conventions: Score Point 1
Major
Editing
Errors
Hye, my name is David Jones. I
have just come on to one of the
greatest game ever made. This
game is called “The Iner Street
Racer.” On this game you race at
midnight so 5.0 won’t catch you.
To make this game even funner it
has different races on it. On this
game you can customize your car.
The response is too brief to receive more than
a 1 in Conventions.
Conventions: Score Point 2
The products that I am writing to the company
is a drink maker so that you’ll have a drink
when you want a drink.
The other product I thought of is a scooter for
people who can’t walk. It has a senser for
when your about to bump into something.
Major
Editing
Errors
I also thought of a robot that can help you
when you don’t feel good. For an example,
you fell or whatever, this product can give you
food and something to drink.
My next product is a safe, nobody will get your
money. Its not good when you lose your
money. You can put your money in it.
•
There is a mix of control here—about as many
correct examples as incorrect.
Conventions: Score Point 3
If I worked for a company my new product would be a game. It would
be called a Playstation 4 2010 special edition.
It is a computer, DVD player, and 5 disc changer, with 5 controllers. It
is portable and has wireless controllers and cords. You can put on a
helmet and use a steering wheel to play the game. That is wireless to. It
comes with 5 of those too.
Games come with it too. It comes with three games. There are also lots
of different game you can buy. There are sports games. There are
action games. There are also adventure games. You can play these and
have hours of fun.
Major
Editing
Errors
It has surround sound and bass to it, it is so loud that it might bust your
eardrums.
It has life-like graphics. When you play the game it looks so real.
It has a special controller that you can use all the time. It is called the
mean machine 6,000. It is the best controller that you can use it has
vibration on it too. It is computerized. When it gets to the hard part you
can kick some video game butt with the ultra mean machine 6,000. It is
the best controller that anybody could use.
That would be the best product I would make for the hole world to see.
•
There are some sentence, usage, and mechanics errors, but the writer
demonstrates control in the majority of the response. Many of the
sentences are simple.
Conventions: Score Point 4
If your like me, I never get good sleep with a bed filled with springs. I
wake up two times at night if I’m lucky. Well that’s going to change
with my bed called the dreamer bed.
Here’s how it works. It is filled with tiny beads so it will form to your
every position. Also if you don’t want it just filled with beads, you can
blow air in there, too. To fill it with air you get a pump that plugs into a
small hole on the side that lets air in and out, but does not let the
beads out. If you put air into the bed and you decide you don’t want
the air in it, then pull the plug and the air will come out.
Major
Editing
Errors
If your wondering what it is covered with and how it is held together, it
is a soft material called cotton. We thread the cotton into thick string
that is very strong. Don’t worry it won’t come apart.
You can take it anywhere you want. If your going on a trip like going
camping and you don’t want to sleep on the hard ground, then bring
the dreamer bed with you! The dreamer bed is made so the string can
bend easily.
You can get the dreamer bed in any colors you want. You can even get
a pattern of two, three, or four different colors. Many people think
nothing is perfict, but the dreamer bed is perfict! You can never get
sick of the dreamer bed.
•
There is consistent control demonstrated in Conventions, with few
major editing errors.
Conventions: Score Point 5
Imagination Inc, I introduce to you the toy that’s sweeping kids off their feet
and making them play to the Robotic Simon’s beat. Say hello to fun in the
future; it’s Robotic Simon.
This toy is so awesome it comes in three modes. I bet your wondering what a
robot named Simon can do. Well, it can do everything you do in the first mode.
I call this mode “Simon Says.” (get it?) In this mode Simon does everything
you do. Wherever you go he goes. If you lift your arm, he lifts his. If you lift
your leg, he lifts his. Even if you jump, he has springs in his shoes so he can
jump. Lets say you get tired of Simon being your shadow. Then break out the
controller to control Simon. With this controller you can make Simon do a
weird dance. Maybe you can make him spin or jump. Now Simon wants to be
the boss. So I call his third mode the “Bossy mode.” In this mode Simon goes
wherever he wants. If he wants to walk he walks. Maybe he wants to dance,
so then he’ll dance. Just for the fun of it he jumps.
Major
Editing
Errors
Now that I told you about Simon it’s time to introduce Simorina. Simorina is
exactly like Simon, but she just acts like him in a more feminine way.
Okay now that you have played with Simon/Simorina with all your energy you
want to put him/her away. The only problem is you can’t find the off switch.
All you do is clap your hands and he/she turns off. Make sure she/he is not on
“Simon Says” mode or he’ll/she’ll just clap.
Let’s say a child under three tries to eat Simon/Simorina. This toy sees the
danger with its eyes and plays a lullaby. The baby puts Simon/Simorina down
and goes to sleep.
This toy is completely safe. This a toy that kids in the future will play with all
day. Out motto is “Make every kids imagination run free” and that’s exactly
what Simon/Simorina is going to do.
•
The writer demonstrates a full command in Conventions, with very few major editing
errors.