Elaine
Wilson
Parenting
Specialist
Brenda
Sheik
Home
Economist
Tammy
Fowler
Assistant
Parenting
Specialist
TM
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Divorce changes a family.
Consider children’s ages and
interests when making family
decisions.
Lifestyle the child experiences.
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The child’s interests determine
appropriate:
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parenting activities
visitation arrangements
explanations of divorce
family lifestyles
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Co-parenting is lifelong.
Stress management techniques
strengthens children and the family.
Use support services.
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AGENDA
6:30 pm
6:35 pm
6:45 pm
7:00 pm
7:20 pm
7:30 pm
8:00 pm
8:30 pm
Registration
Introduction
Positive Aspects of Divorce
Managing Stress
Break
Development and Divorce
Referrals
Attendance
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You will learn:
 how
to talk about your family lifestyle
 how to manage stress
 wise custody and visitation
 how to co-parent
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Positive Features of
Co-Parenting Families
• Fastest growing family type
• Strong parent-child relationships
• Brothers and sisters close
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Children Learn
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home management skills
to be cautious about marriage
self reliance
realistic expectations of adults
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Managing Stress
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Maintain routines
Talk about feelings
Delegate
Release tension
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Grief
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Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
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HELPFUL HINTS FROM RESEARCH
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At all ages children need:
Predictable, dependable routines.
Attention to abilities and interests.
Parents who communicate.
Friends for support and relaxation.
Help managing fear, stress and anger.
Stable adults.
Reassurance.
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Stages of Divorce
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
Disillusionment - giving up
Erosion - things get worse
Detachment - emotional distance
Physical Separation - moves out
Mourning - grief, sadness
Second Adolescence - acting out, wild, crazy
Resolution - calm, stable, single person
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Children can feel all of the
emotions that adults feel.
Abandonment
Denial
Disappointment
Fear
Guilt
Insecure
Rejection
Shock
Sense of something terrible.
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Explaining divorce to children
Goal 1 - Still parents
Goal 2 - Mutual decision
Goal 3 - Get help
Goal 4 - Communicate
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Key Concepts
Marriage ends.
Parenthood continues.
Mutual decision.
Brothers and sisters bond.
The divorce is permanent.
Other people can help us.
The divorce was a “grown up” decision.
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Lifelong Process
Changing understanding
Blame
Guilt
Responsibility
Permanent
Accept change
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Infant and Toddler
Secure routine
Simple explanations
Holding and cuddling
Basic needs
Verbal and physical assurance of love and
protection.
Set limits and provide consistent follow
through.
Parent needs to seek support from others.
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Preschooler
Tell 1-2 weeks before a change.
Parent model.
Predictable, stable routine.
Make few changes.
Introduce necessary changes gradually.
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Preschooler (continued)
Give verbal and physical reassurance.
Avoid unnecessary separation.
Assure child of your return.
Read aloud age appropriate books on family.
Encourage play.
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School-age
Tell as soon as possible.
Needs sense of family.
Do family projects and activities.
Stable school and social activities with
parents involved.
Reassurance that parents will continue as
parents.
Be clear that divorce is permanent.
Encourage play and exercise.
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Teenage
Tell as soon as possible.
Allow child time to handle feelings.
Structure and routine.
Avoid power struggles.
Be available.
Be clear that divorce is permanent.
Encourage physical exercise.
Maintain parent role.
Maintain adult privacy.
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Arrangements for Being with the Non-custodial Parent
Age
Location
Infant
child’s
home
Min. Freq.
Needs
1-4 hrs
2 x’s per wk
routine
familiar
place
Toddler outside
child’s
home
1 day
no overnight
1 x per wk
favorite
objects
routine
Preschool
overnight
1 day
1 week
1 x per wk
favorite
objects
pattern
outside
child’s
home
Length
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Age
Location Length
Min. Freq.
Needs
Schoolage
outside
child’s
home
weekend
to 6 wks
1 x per wk
belongings in
each home
parent involved
predictable pattern
Teenager
outside
child’s
home
inside
dorm
few min.
1 yr or
more
1 contact
per
week
peers
negotiable
activities
employment
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Infant
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within child’s home
1-4 hours
2 times each week
no overnights
regular routine
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Toddler
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outside child’s home
take favorite objects along
entire day
visit at least once a week
no overnights
maintain routine
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Preschooler
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outside child’s home
take favorite objects along
overnight to one week
at least one time each week
predictable pattern
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School-age
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outside child’s home
one time each week
own belongings in each home
overnight to six weeks
one time each week
predictable pattern
parent involvement in activities
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Teenager
• outside child’s home or in dorm room or
apartment
• peer relations, activities, employment,
independence, mobility
• few minutes to one year or longer
• at least weekly contact
• negotiable routine
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Developmentally Appropriate
Arrangements
More visitation is generally better than less.
Children adjust better when parents are not
hostile.
Greater distance requires greater effort.
Telephone calls, letter, fax and e:mail
supplement time together.
Child’s needs take precedence over adults
needs.
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OKLAHOMA
COOPERATIVE
EXTENSION
SERVICE
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