Love, Attraction, Attachment and Intimate Relationships Lucy Capuano Brewer, Psychology Psy 25 – Chapter 7 Take time to reflect… 1. 2. 3. 4. Examine your thoughts about opening to loving another person, and complete these sentences: It is worth to love because: It is NOT worth to love because: List three meanings love has for you: Think of someone you love. What specifically do you love about that person? What is LOVE? How do you know you are IN LOVE? When is the RIGHT time to say I LOVE YOU? When is the WRONG time to say I LOVE YOU? What Is Love? Difficult to define special attitude with behavioral and emotional components different things to different people difficult to measure For how many is this true? Our best and worst moments in life are tied to a love relationship. What Is Love? Rubin's "love scale" 3 components Attachment is a person's desire for the physical presence and emotional support of the other person. Caring is an individual's concern for the other's wellbeing. Intimacy is the desire for close, confidential communication with the other. Types of Love Passionate love (infatuation) The Kiss by Rodin Typically occurs early in a relationship. A state of extreme absorption with and desire for another. It is characterized by intense feelings of tenderness, elation, anxiety, sexual desire, and ecstasy. Generalized physiological arousal, strong sexual desire (“Butterflies in the stomach”) People often overlook faults and avoid conflicts Short-lived discover, often to their dismay, that the only thing they ever really shared was passion. Types of Love Companionate love Less intense emotion than passionate love. It is characterized by friendly affection and a deep attachment that is based on extensive familiarity with the loved one. Often encompasses a tolerance for another's shortcomings along with a desire to overcome difficulties and conflicts in a relationship. In short, companionate love: enduring passionate love: usually transitory. Sex: associated with familiarity, security, sexual trust encourages experimentation. Often experienced as richer, more meaningful, and deeply satisfying. Sometimes a relationship may begin with companionate love (ie, friends) and then transition in to passionate love. Types of Love Sternberg’s Triangular Theory Passion: Is the motivational component that fuels romantic feelings, physical attraction, and desire for sexual interaction. Passion instills a deep desire to be united with the loved one. In a sense passion is like an addiction, because its capacity to provide intense stimulation and pleasure can exert a powerful craving in a person. Intimacy: Is the emotional component of love that encompasses the sense of being bonded with another person. It includes feelings of warmth, sharing, and emotional closeness. (Vulnerability): Intimacy also embraces a willingness to help the other and an openness to sharing private thoughts and feelings with the beloved. Commitment: is the thinking or cognitive aspect of love. It refers to the conscious decision to love another and to maintain a relationship over time in spite of difficulties that may arise. Sternberg maintains that passion tends to develop rapidly and intensely in the early stages of a love relationship and then declines as the relationship progresses. In contrast, intimacy and commitment continue to build gradually over time, although at different rates. Sternberg's triangular theory passion builds then fades intimacy & commitment continue to build variations in components yield different kinds of love intimacy alone = friendship passion alone = infatuation commitment alone = empty love Intimacy Reis & Shaver Definition of Intimacy understood: my partner sees me as I see myself validated: my partner values what I am cared for: my partner likes me Difficult to measure. Exercise Choose 3 – 4 people in your life you are close to (these can be family, friends, lovers, significant others, etc.) Using Sternberg’s definition of: Passion Intimacy Commitment Write a P, I and/or C to categorize each of the relationships. Does Sternberg’s theory apply Y/N? Comments or observations Lee’s Styles of Loving Six different styles of loving: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. Romantic love style (Eros): Look for mates who are good looking emphasis on physical beauty Game-playing love style (Ludus) “Players” – acquiring sexual conquests Casual sex- “Booty Call” Possessive love style (mania): Dangerous – marked by jealousy, turmoil, obsessive love – DOMESTIC VIOLENCE Companionate love style (Storge) Long term relationships – stable, commitment, willingness to work on relationship – mutually satisfying. Altruistic love style (Agape) Selfless, patient, without expectation of reciprocity Pragmatic love style (Pragma) Rational, practical, business like, compatible interests Falling in Love: The Chemistry of Love Attraction Neurochemical Process Neurochemicals similar to amphetamines Amphetamine-like effects: euphoria, giddiness, and elation. Infatuation chemistry - body develops tolerance – short lived effect Companionate love chemistry Morphinelike chemicals (soothing feeling) Produce a sense of security, tranquility, and peace. Falling in Love:Why and With Whom Exercise: Write down the 5 most important characteristics you want in your ideal mate. One afternoon, according to an old Sufi tale, Nasruddin and his friend were sitting in a café, drinking tea, and talking about life and love. “How come you never got married, Nasruddin?” asked his friend at one point. “Well,” said Nasruddin, “to tell you the truth, I spent my youth looking for the perfect woman. In Cairo, I met a beautiful and intelligent woman, with eyes like dark olives, but she was unkind. Then in Baghdad, I met a woman who was a wonderful and generous soul, but we had no interests in common. One woman after another would seem just right, but there would always be something missing. Then, one day I met her. She was beautiful, intelligent, generous, and kind. We had everything in common. In fact, she was perfect.” “Well,” said Nasruddin’s friend, “what happened? Why didn’t you marry her?” Nasruddin sipped his tea reflectively. “Well,” he replied, “it’s a sad thing. Seems she was looking for the perfect man.” “Love isn’t finding the right person, it’s being the right person.” No simple explanation for why we fall in love with one particular person instead of another. A number of factors are often important: proximity, similarity, reciprocity, and physical attractiveness. Proximity Mere exposure effect Familiarity breeds predictability greater comfort Similarity Same level of physical attractiveness Age, Educational Status and Religion Race and Ethnicity Why? share similar interests & activities communicate better confirm own views & experiences supportive of values & beliefs Validation – mirror image of ourselves Reciprocity when someone shows they like us, we tend to like them back increases self-esteem increases likelihood of relationship enduring Physical attractiveness "what's beautiful is good" belief status by association most important in early stages may be an indication of physical health heterosexual males place greater value Falling in Love: Why and With Whom Sociobiology- Behavior explained by evolutionary needs (Buss) Men attracted to young attractive females to maximize reproductive success Women attracted to older, established men to maximize their reproductive success LOVE “MYTHS” THE MYTH OF ETERNAL LOVE THE MYTH THAT LOVE IMPLIES CONSTANT CLOSENESS THE MYTH THAT WE FALL IN AND OUT OF LOVE THE MYTH OF THE EXCLUSIVENESS OF LOVE THE MYTH THAT TRUE LOVE IS SELFLESS THE MYTH THAT LOVE AND ANGER INCOMPATIBLE THE MYTH THAT LOVE AND ANGER INCOMPATIBLE Many people believe that if they love someone, this implies that they cannot get angry at them. When anger is withheld, it will always surface in other dysfunctional ways: jealousy, passive-aggressiveness, etc However, Love NEVER involves threats, put-downs, verbal, physical, emotional and sexual violence!!!!! Those kinds of behaviors are dangerous and are behaviors found in batterers and in domestic violence cases. Interface Children Family Services of Ventura County. A comprehensive site offering links to various agencies throughout the county - also info on low cost counseling. (Telephone Number (805) 485-6114 ) http://www.icfs.org/ The Coalition to end Domestic and Sexual Violence Ventura County - local counseling available Telephone Number: 805-983-6014; 24 Hour Hotline: 805-656-1111 http://www.thecoalition.org/ Authentic vs. Inauthentic Love (I Never Knew I Had a Choice, Corey & Corey – 2006) Authentic Love: Enhancing, empowering, affirming Inauthentic Love: Crippling, stifling, paranoid, controlling INAUTHENTIC LOVE Rigid unrealistic expectations Conditionally loving – “strings attached” Dishonest Threatened by other relationships/interests Possessive Utterly dependant – to fill void (I NEED YOU!!) Lacks commitment. Guarded with feelings, thoughts – won’t allow vulnerability Controlling, manipulative and punitive: wants to change the person AUTHENTIC LOVE Unconditional acceptance and love Caring - not smothering, or possessive. Respectful, responsive and encouraging: I can see you as a separate person I can encourage you to stand alone and to be who you are I avoid treating you as an object I will be there for you when you need me, and give you your space as well. Delight in each other’s growth Letting go of fear : Risk taking – vulnerable We are committed by choice I choose to be with you I want to be with you If you leave I will still be able to survive Mutual trust You trust the person will not deliberately hurt you or manipulate you Accepting imperfections: no need to change Willingness to work things out Encourages and supports other relationships Selfish I take care of “me” first I am complete and worthwhile on my own Each is able to talk openly with the other about the relationship Playful and fun The two persons are equal in the relationship Each person recognizes the need for solitude and creates the time in which to be alone They are able to cope with anger in the relationship What is the difference between LONELINESS and SOLITUDE? Loneliness: (Def.) A state of painful isolation, of feeling cut off from others. Results from certain events in our life: the death of a spouse, divorce, empty-nest syndrome, etc. Loneliness is generally something that happens to us, rather than something we choose to experience; we can choose the attitude we take toward it! If we allow ourselves to experience our loneliness, even if it is painful, we may be surprised to find within ourselves the sources of strength and creativity. Loneliness may peak in adolescence: begin to differentiate from the family of origin. What Causes Loneliness? Causes of Loneliness: (lonely people share these common characteristics) Lack of social skills Lack of interest in other people. Lack of empathy. Fear of rejection. Lack of ability to appropriately selfdisclose. Cynicism and sarcasm. Too demanding. Pessimistic attitude. External Locus of Control. (Victim Role) Solitude Solitude is something that we often choose for ourselves. In solitude, we make the time to be with ourselves, to discover who we are, and to renew ourselves. Solitude can become an antidote to loneliness. Many of us fail to experience solitude because we allow our life to become more and more frantic and complicated. We may fear that we will alienate others if we ask for private time, so we alienate ourselves instead!! Aloneness can become the source of your strength and the foundation for the relatedness to others. Choosing time to be alone gives us the opportunity to think, plan, imagine, and dream; it allows us to listen to ourselves and to become sensitive to what we are experiencing. In solitude we can come to appreciate anew both our separateness from and our relatedness to the important people and projects in our lives. When was the last time you did something alone (by choice) and truly enjoyed it? Why haven’t you? What are you afraid of? The Green Eyed Monster Many people think that jealousy is a measure of devotion, and that the absence of jealous feelings implies a lack of love. It is not love that is Sexual jealousy is aroused when we blind, but jealousy. suspect that an intimate relationship ~Lawrence Durrell, is threatened by a rival. Justine, 1957 It is associated with: fear of losing the loved one; anger toward the rival, the loved one, feelings of The jealous are possessiveness. troublesome to others, but a In extreme cases: can cause severe torment to depression, spousal abuse, suicide, themselves. homicide. ~William Penn, Some Caused by: mistrust, low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, overly dependent Fruits of Solitude, relationships, feelings of inadequacy, 1693 Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope. ~Josh Billings paranoia, “sex games” How deal with a Jealous partner: No games!!! Do not submit to the third degree. Do not accept the status quo out of guilt Seek help (therapy) Leave the relationship – not healthy!! Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction Ingredients in lasting love relationship self-acceptance appreciation of each other's qualities commitment good communication, realistic expectations and shared interests ability to face & deal with conflict Characteristics of high quality relationships Supportive communication Companionship Sexual expression and variety Seeing partner as best friend Maintaining frequent positive interaction Satisfying Sexual Relationships Respect for choices (including declining “sex”) Sexual Variety communication is critical be spontaneous plan for intimate time don't worry about frequency "standards"