Hold Me Tight® Workshop
Presented by:
****
Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson
Graphic Design by Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen
Goals
To help you understand:
• Love
• Emotions/Needs
• Learn, and stop your
negative “Dance”
© Sue Johnson 2010
Couples
Couples
Gottman and colleagues found that
the degree of emotional connection
between intimate partners is a
predictor for marital stability.
(Gottman, Coan, Carrere, & Swanson 1998)
We Need
It makes us vulnerable
It does not go away just
because we grow up.
The defining
element is
how we deal
with our
vulnerability
Pull people close
Push people away
Turn away
We need
someone to
talk to as
much as we
need fire and
water. If we
don’t have
them we
create them.
As we are closer we are stronger
Conflict
Depression
Anxiety
Susceptibility
to shock,
stress and
pain
Selfawareness
Otherawareness
Problem
solving
Flexibility
Curiosity
Having a loved one
hold your hand really
does take the hurt
away
Jim Coan:
Social BaselineTheory
The people we love are the
"hidden regulators" of our bodily processes and our
emotional lives
– Sue Johnson "Hold Me Tight"
Secure Attachment is a
Neural Duet
Effective
Dependency
The level of emotional
responsiveness that defines
how we respond to stress.
A.R.E.
Accessibility
Responsiveness
Engagement
Can I reach you?
Do I matter?
ACCESSIBILITY
Can I depend on you?
Will you come when I
call?
RESPONSIVENESS
Are you
emotionally
present? Do you
share? Will you
keep me close?
ENGAGEMENT
A.R.E. questions are
often hidden in
content
issues
A lasting, fulling, secure, inlove relationship is entirely
possible if we have a map.
It’s impossible to create a sentiment
of tenderness by any process of
reasoning.
Marilyn Yalom
Attachment Review
A.R.E. Questionnaire
• A.R.E. You There?
• A - Accessible
• R - Responsive
• E - Engaged
(Present)
Sue Johnson
Primal
Panic
Still Face and Protest
How people get stuck
And What They Need
Getting the Pattern and the Pain
• Secondary Emotion/ Reactive - Turn Up
or Turn Down
• Primary Emotion/Vulnerable, Softer,
Universal
A Couple Interaction
With Primary Emotion Revealed
Attachment Perspective
• A Map for Loving Stable
Relationships
• A Model for a Secure
Bond
• attachment
• care taking
• sexuality
5 Conversations
• Demon Dialogue
• Raw Spots
• Rocky Moments
• Forgiving Injuries
• Hold Me Tight
Conversation 1
Recognizing Your
Demon Dialogue
How Love Goes Wrong
1. We get stuck in Demon Dialogues
when we don’t understand:
• the nature of love
•
our own needs
•
our impact on our partner
•
the confusing/distorted signals we
often send
How Love Goes Wrong: The
Demon Dialogues
How Love Goes Wrong
Misses or misattunements are
inevitable.
2. We don’t re-attune
and see the game.
How Love Goes Wrong
3. Negative Spirals
4. Enemy to Secure
Connection
5. Reach/Risk - Respond
If missing then negative
strategies are being
used.
Conversation One Overview
Recognizing Your Demon
Dialogue
Stop:
Anger/D
istance
Three Habitual
Dances
• Find the Bad Guy
• Freeze and Flee
• Protest Polka
Find the Bad Guy
• Where did this start?
• Black & White
• Anger
• Both trapped
• Stuck in Content
Find the Bad Guy Spiral
The more you attack,
• the more dangerous you appear
• the more I watch my back
• the harder I hit back
Freeze and Flee
• Mutual Withdrawal
• Strangers - parallel
live
• Prelude to
detachment
Freeze and Flee Spiral
• The more I hold back and shutdown my
feelings
• The more careful and distant you
become
• The more distant you are
• The more I go into my shell and chill out
Protest Polka
• Most Common
• Disconnection protest
• Needs hidden
• Unclear signals
Protest Polka Spiral
• the more I pursue (complain, demand,
instruct criticize)
• the more dangerous I appear
• the more you move away (shut-down,
defend, dismiss)
• the more dangerous
(uncaring/inaccessible) you appear
• the more I try to get through
Do you pull your
partner into this spiral?
Pursuing Partners
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
I’m dying here.
I’m shut out.
My feelings don’t matter.
It’s lonelier than living alone.
By myself.
Dismissed.
I get no response. I yell to get
a response, any response.
• I don’t matter to....
• We’re roommates.
Withdrawing Partners
• I never get it right - can’t
please.
• I try to FIX it - doesn’t work.
• I give up, space out.
• Best to avoid a fight - try
• to keep things calm.
• I’m failing here.
• Paralyzed.
• No point.
• Go behind my wall.
• Numb out.
Safe emotional
engagement is the only
“solution” to this
problem.
Introduction to
HMT Couple
Video
Conversation 1
Recognizing Your Demon Dialogue
Your spouse’s negativity.... leaves you
shell shocked. You feel so defenseless
you’re left with the most reflexive, least
sophisticated responses in your
repertoire:
to fight (act critical) or flee (stonewall).
Any chance of resolving the issue is
gone.
Video
Conversation 1
Recognizing Your Demon Dialogue
Exercise
Conversation 1
Recognizing Your Demon Dialogue
Conversation Two - Overview
Finding the Raw Spots
We all
have them
Vulnerability Comes with Love
• Choice: How to deal with
it?
• Security - share, soothe,
trust deepens
• More Insecure - Emotion
UP or OFF, hit each
other’s raw spots
ZING
Goal: Pinpoint the attachment
vulnerabilities, the deeper
attachment feelings that
trigger Demon Dialogues.
Universal Raw Spots
• Trigger Alarm
• Fight/Flight
• Helplessness
• Deprived ->
Deserted
• Deprived ->
Rejected
To Show Ourselves Takes
Courage
• Emotions are fast - if
disorganized - confused - off
balance. Signals get
scrambled.
• We show nothing which is
reactive shut down
(protect)or
• We show reactive anger
(more control)
Hard to Tune Into
• Raw Spot Emotions
are FAST
• We pick up on secondary
coping responses.
When a Raw Spot is Hit
• Radical shift in emotional
tone
• Response may seem out of
proportion
• When off balance - instant
survival mode - step into
spiral
• Often no map - out of
control - feelings themselves
get scary or cue shame.
What we do in moments
of disconnection is key
• Emotion is the music of
the attachment dance.
Video
Introduction to HMT Couple
Video
Conversation 2
Finding the Raw Spots
Video 2
Conversation 2
Finding the Raw Spots
Unpacking the Raw Spot
•
•
•
•
Cue/Trigger
Body Feeling
Inner Dialogue (catastrophe)
Action fight/flee or move
close/move away
• Surface feeling your partner
sees
• Raw deeper emotion
EXERCISE
Conversation Two
We all
have them
Conversation 3
Revisiting a Rocky
Moment
© Sue Johnson 2010
Focus is on
• Repairing rifts
• Rising above the negative cycle
• Reframing the cycle as the
enemy - not your partner
© Sue Johnson 2010
Key Steps
See spiral.
Call it.
Stop it.
© Sue Johnson 2010
Key Steps
• See spiral. Call it. Stop it.
• Both claim your
moves
© Sue Johnson 2010
Key Steps
• See spiral. Call it. Stop it.
• Both claim your moves
• Claim your
softer, raw spot,
emotions
© Sue Johnson 2010
Key Steps
• See spiral. Call it. Stop it.
• Both claim your moves
• Claim your softer, raw
spot, emotions
• Own how you shape
your partners feelings.
Ex. I turn away and you
get scared.
© Sue Johnson 2010
Key Steps
•
•
•
•
See spiral. Call it. Stop it.
Both claim your moves
Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions
Own how you shape your partners feelings.
Ex. I turn away and you get scared.
• Supportively share
your softer emotions
© Sue Johnson 2010
Key Steps
•
•
•
•
•
See spiral. Call it. Stop it.
Both claim your moves
Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions
Own how you shape your partners feelings. Ex. I turn
away and you get scared.
Supportively share your softer emotions
• Find an exit, comfort
each other
© Sue Johnson 2010
Key Steps
•
•
•
•
•
•
See spiral. Call it. Stop it.
Both claim your moves
Claim your softer, raw spot,
emotions
Own how you shape your partners
feelings. Ex. I turn away and you get
scared.
Supportively share your softer
emotions
Find an exit, comfort each other
• Recreate a
secure base
© Sue Johnson 2010
Group Reading
• What is Arwen and Blair’s main
Demon Dialogue?
• What role do each play? (p/w)
• What are Arwen’s underlying
raw spot emotions? Blair’s?
• How do they take control?
• What happens when they do?
• Can you imagine doing this?
© Sue Johnson 2010
EXERCISE
Conversation Three
© Sue Johnson 2010
Conversation
Forgiving Injuries
© Sue Johnson 2010
Presence - not
perfection
• We will hurt those we
love. It’s how we deal
with this that matters.
© Sue Johnson 2010
What is hurt?
• Reactive Anger
• Sadness
• Fear
• Rejection
• Abandonment
Unanswered Calls
Relationship Traumas involve disconnection
at moments of high:
• Fragility
• Need
• Loss
• Illness
• Trauma
• Uncertainty
© Sue Johnson 2010
Key Injuries
Relationship Traumas
involve disconnection at
moments of high need.
• Destroy Safety
• Destroy Trust
Abandonment and Betrayal
=
NEVER AGAIN
© Sue Johnson 2010
Make negative cycles
worse or create them
• Can’t dismiss
• Can’t go around
• Time does not heal
MUST GO THROUGH
© Sue Johnson 2010
Only one kind of
apology works
© Sue Johnson 2010
Steps in Forgiveness
of Injuries
1. Wounded one
distills and
discloses the
pain - what it is
© Sue Johnson 2010
Steps in Forgiveness
of Injuries
2. Other tunes in,
accepts the hurt.
Openly shares how
their hurtful actions
evolved.
© Sue Johnson 2010
Steps in Forgiveness
of Injuries
3. Wounded one
shares the core of
the hurt. Not blaming
or defining the other.
© Sue Johnson 2010
Steps in Forgiveness
of Injuries
4. Other now
apologizes.
Expresses real
remorse - regret,
sadness, shame.
You’re pain, hurts me.
© Sue Johnson 2010
Steps in Forgiveness
of Injuries
5. Wounded one
can now ask for
comfort.
The connection that
was and is missed.
© Sue Johnson 2010
Steps in Forgiveness
of Injuries
6. Partner provides
the antidote.
I am here now.
© Sue Johnson 2010
Steps in Forgiveness
of Injuries
7. Together create
a story of healing.
New view of the
relationship.
© Sue Johnson 2010
Powerful Apologies
KEY MESSAGES
Your hurt:
•is
legitimate/understand
able
•impacts me - I care
about it.
•I feel sorrow, regret
shame that I hurt you.
I am2010
here now
© Sue•Johnson
Powerful Apologies
There is a right moment to forgive.
We can not predict it in advance, we can only
get ourselves ready for it when it arrives.
Don’t do it quickly but don’t wait too long...if we
wait too long, our rage settles in and claims
squatters rights to our souls.
© Sue Johnson 2010
Video
Ask Yourself
Do you have
relational
hurts that
keep echoing
back?
© Sue Johnson 2010
Ask Yourself
Can you help your
partner understand
the key emotional
part of this hurt
without blaming?
© Sue Johnson 2010
Ask Yourself
When you listen,
can you hear your
partner’s hurt and
let it touch you?
© Sue Johnson 2010
Ask Yourself
Can you express
regret, asking how
you can help to
heal this hurt?
© Sue Johnson 2010
EXERCISE
Forgiveness Conversation
© Sue Johnson 2010
EXERCISE
Forgiveness
1. Hurt partner describes pain in attachment terms “Never again”
2. Other acknowledges the hurt partner’s pain and their part in it
3. Injured one risks, shares deeper feelings – terrible
conclusions
4. Other owns impact of his/her actions, expresses “real”
remorse I care about your pain. Your pain is legitimate
I feel regret / shame at my actions. I am here now
5. Hurt partner expresses fears and needs alive in the injury A Hold Me Tight conversation.
6. Other now responds - offers safe haven. Emotional presence
heals.
7. Together, the couple create a new healing story.
© Sue Johnson 2010
Hold Me Tight
Conversation 5
Becoming Open and Responsive
A.R.E.
A positive cycle
that creates
safety and
connection.
© Sue Johnson 2010
When we can have this
conversation we can:
• Recover from distress (EFT
•
•
•
•
research)
Grow trust - create safe
haven/secure base
Turn on cuddle hormone
Access skills, be flexible
Be more assertive and
confiding
© Sue Johnson 2010
When we can have this
conversation we can:
•
•
•
•
•
Empathize and give
care
Play in sex
Within ourselves - grow,
learn, risk
With another RESONATE - coordinate
moves
Solve problems, they
are just problems now
© Sue Johnson 2010
Your Partner Can
Help You Tune In To:
Share Fears. So you can stay
positively engaged.
Share Deeper Needs. So you
can help your partner
respond.
© Sue Johnson 2010
The Tipping Point
Conversation
Actively build positive
bonding spiral
Turn moments of
disconnection into A.R.E.
conversation
Create Effective Dependency
© Sue Johnson 2010
Creating Resonance
Tuning in and speaking
the language of
attachment
Accessing fears and
longings
Secure Talk
© Sue Johnson 2010
What Am I Most Afraid Of?
Part 1:
Take the elevator down into
the emotions - listen to them
Focus inside - find felt sense
Name the fear: can use
image or adjective
Explore the “Terrible if’s”
Share Openly
© Sue Johnson 2010
The Hold Me Tight
Message
Part 2:
Listen to, and hold, the
longing in the fear.
Share this, “I need” message
What I need From You Is
© Sue Johnson 2010
The Hold Me Tight
Message
Part 2:
When deep inside I feel
______
I need you to _____________
You do have to ask - be
specific - be sure it’s about
your attachment need
(acceptance, belonging/I’m
Other Attends - Tunes In
yours and you’re
mine,
comfort
Offers
FEELING
response
©or
Suesafety)
Johnson 2010
Too Hard? Slice it Thinner
Part 2:
When deep inside I feel ______
I need you to _____________
AND it’s too hard to ask right now.
What are you afraid of will happen
if you ask?
Other Attends - Tunes In
Offers FEELING response
© Sue Johnson 2010
Too Hard? Slice it Thinner
Part 2:
When deep inside I feel
______ (like I do right
now), I need you to
_____________.
For Partner:
“I hear you. I want to, and I don’t know how right now”
© Sue Johnson 2010
At best: HMT statements
Coherent
What and how (voice and face)
fit together with meaning
Emotionally engaged, in
contact, sincere
Clear and simple message to
our partner
Focused on present moment
(not past or future)
© Sue Johnson 2010
At best: HMT statements
To achieve a lasting loving bond we have to be
able to tune into our deepest needs and longings
and translate them into clear signals...
We have to recognize the primal code of
attachment rather than to attempt to dismiss and
by pass it.
Susan M. Johnson, Hold Me Tight
© Sue Johnson 2010
HMT Conversation
Video
HMT Conversation
Video Tim and Kim
© Sue Johnson 2010
EXERCISE
Hold Me Tight
Conversation
Synchrony Sex
Conversation 6
Bonding Through Sex and Touch
Key Points
• Safe emotional connection fosters great sex
–
• Great sex creates deeper emotional
connection
• Sex is intimate play - a safe adventure. Part
of a good relationship.
• Fear and arousal don’t mix. “Thrill” is
presence and responsiveness to the
moment
© Sue Johnson 2010
3 Kinds of Sex
• 1. Sealed Off
• 2. Solace Sex
• 3. Secure
Synchrony Sex
© Sue Johnson 2010
Practice and Presence
makes Perfect
Touch and
Chemistry link
Sex and
Attachment
Bonding and
Mating are meant
to be integrated
© Sue Johnson 2010
3 Kinds of Sex
• Touch arouses and
soothes
Oxytocin released at
orgasm and tender
touch (and bonding
conversations)
© Sue Johnson 2010
Video
Bonding Thru Sex and Touch
© Sue Johnson 2010
Exercise
Bonding Through Sex and Touch
Conversation 7
Keeping Your Love Alive
Reach and
Receive
In love, you don’t
have to fix
everything, you
just have to be
there.
© Sue Johnson 2010
We all need loving
attention
Giving and receiving love is like a
language, use it or lose it.
© Sue Johnson 2010
We all need loving
attention
Bonds are a dance, if
no practice....
© Sue Johnson 2010
We all need loving
attention
Emotional Starvation
© Sue Johnson 2010
Proposition
If we recognize and
accept the primal code
of attachment, and
learn to dance to this
tune (co-regulate) we
can create more loving
relationships, families
and societies.
© Sue Johnson 2010
Starts with one key
relationship! and this...
...Starts with one key
conversation
© Sue Johnson 2010
Ways to keep
your love alive
1. Know the danger
point detours
© Sue Johnson 2010
Ways to keep
your love alive
2. Album - keep
images and stories
of key moments
© Sue Johnson 2010
Ways to keep
your love alive
3. Create rituals - small
everyday and more
momentous.
Coming and going
Connecting and
disconnecting
Making time
© Sue Johnson 2010
Ways to keep
your love alive
4. Do HMT (fears &
needs) conversations.
The best investment you
will ever make.
© Sue Johnson 2010
Ways to keep
your love alive
5. Safety first - connect
emotionally. Especially
before problem solving
struggles.
© Sue Johnson 2010
Ways to keep
your love alive
Create a resiliency relationship story.
Dragons fought
Stressors survived
Injuries healed
Key responses that created and create
connection.
© Sue Johnson 2010
Ways to keep
your love alive
7. Write a future love story
Dreams
Possibilities
© Sue Johnson 2010
Ways to keep
your love alive
8. Play 90 minutes a
Week:
Novel
Challenging
© Sue Johnson 2010
Secure Connection:
Key Messages
Our need for this specific
kind of emotional
connection is:
PRIMARY/ABSOLUTE
the basis of marriage,
family, humane society
“neural net of hope and
faith”
© Sue Johnson 2010
We must accept our
longings, needs,
biology - the primal
code of attachment.
To reach and respond.
Secure Connection:
Key Learning
Compassion for
others and
tolerance are best
learned through
secure connection.
© Sue Johnson 2010
Secure Connection:
Key Learning
Emotional presence
and responsiveness
is key to love and
loving.
© Sue Johnson 2010
Secure Connection:
Key Learning
Love is not a
mystery
anymore.
© Sue Johnson 2010
Deep and lasting love
is within the
reach of all of us
Secure Connection:
Key Learning
In love, you don’t have to be rich or
smart or talented or funny.
You just have to be there.
Robert Karen.
Exercise: Conversation 7
Keeping Your Love Alive
Closing Sharing