The Art of
Grandparenting
Sean Brotherson, Ph.D., Extension Family Science Specialist
Brenda Langerud, Extension Agent
Divya Saxena, Extension Associate
NDSU Extension Service
North Dakota State University
2008
Lesson Objectives

Understand the unique roles of
grandparents in the lives of grandchildren
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Identify needs and resources for
grandparents caring for grandchildren in
unique circumstances
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Plan practical steps to be involved with
grandchildren and build closer relationships
with them
Nine Things to Remember When
Grandchildren Come to Visit
1. The voice of one 3-year-old crying is
louder than those of 20 adults laughing.
2. A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint
rock.
3. VCR/DVD players do not eject peanut
butter and jelly sandwiches.
4. Always look in the oven before you turn
it on. Plastic toys and cats do not like
ovens.
Nine Things to Remember When
Grandchildren Come to Visit
5. Play dough is not microwaveable.
6. When you hear the toilet flush and the
words “uh-oh,” it already is too late.
7. Car keys are perfect for dropping down
any vent.
8. Marbles in gas tanks make a lot of noise
when driving.
9. Cats get dizzy when dropped down stairs
while in a bag.
The Art of Grandparenting
Becoming a
grandparent puts adults
in the role of mentors to
a new generation –
guiding, giving and
engaging young people
to see the future and
what they can become.
What Do Folks Say
About Being a Grandparent?
“If I had known grandchildren were going to be
so much fun, I would have had them first.”
“If your baby never fusses, always sleeps
through the night and is an absolutely perfect
baby – you are not the parent, you are the
grandparent.”
Ourselves – the Grandparents
• Were you close to a grandparent?
• Were/are your parents close to your children?
• How did you feel when your first grandchild
was born?
• Can you see yourself as the emotional leader
of your family?
• What are the things you uniquely can teach
your grandchild?
Multiple Roles of Grandparents
What are some of the important roles
grandparents play in family life?
• Storyteller
• Watchdog
• Family historian
• Supporter, nurturer
• Game player
• Someone to discuss problems with
• Joke teller
• Keeper of the faith
Role of Grandparents –
What Do Family Members Say?
“Grandparents are ______”
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fun
good sports
patient and understanding
supportive and enthusiastic
devoted to their grandchildren
“Grandparents give ______”
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time
love
gifts
“Grandparents don’t ______”
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disagree with parents in front of children
disagree with the upbringing of grandchildren
Activities for
Grandparents and Grandchildren
• Joking and kidding
• Family get-togethers (birthdays, holidays)
• Talking about growing up – sharing personal stories
• Giving advice or being a listening ear
• Going to church, other religious activities
• Working or doing chores together (running errands,
gardening, etc.)
• Taking a day trip
• Teaching a skill or game (board game, fishing,
crafts, etc.)
• Conversation and phone calls
The Meaning of Grandparenting
“It’s the only
relationship known to
man in which people
are crazy about each
other simply because
they are breathing.”
What Grandparents Can Do
• Impart a sense of identity
• Provide unconditional love
• Represent hope for the future
• Be a source of stability and security
• Act as a mentor and teacher
• Exemplify positive values, ideals, beliefs
• Nurture emotional and physical well-being
• Be a role model and play companion
Grandparenting in
Unique Circumstances
Grandparents sometimes face unique
situations in family life, such as:
• Maintaining good-quality relationships with
parents of their grandchildren
• Grandparenting after parental divorce
• Grandparenting stepgrandchildren
• Grandparenting at a distance
• Grandparents raising grandchildren
Relationships with
Your Grandchild’s Parents
• Have you talked with the parents about
what kind of grandparent they would like
you to be for their child?
• Have you told them what kind of
grandparent you would like to be?
• Can you communicate with them?
• How can you be supportive of them?
Old-fashioned Remedies for
Trouble Spots with Parents
Trouble Spot - Parents
are ignored as a key to
the grandparent and
grandchild relationship
Remedy – Try to keep on
good terms with parents,
especially in-laws; avoid
speaking ill of them, learn
to see differences not as
deficiencies
Old-fashioned Remedies for
Trouble Spots with Parents
Trouble Spot - Grandparents
do not communicate well with
parents or do not lead family
communication
Remedy – Be the positive
communication center of the
family – listen as well as talk,
and call family members just
to connect
Old-fashioned Remedies for
Trouble Spots with Parents
Trouble Spot – Lack of
listening to parents of
grandchildren
Remedy – Work on being
kind, understanding,
compassionate, nonjudgmental and supportive –
sometimes your love is more
important than your lessons,
though both are important
Old-fashioned Remedies for
Trouble Spots with Parents
Trouble Spot – Being
“out of touch” with today’s
society
Remedy – Spend time
with all family members;
learn some things about
technology and
communication; share
things from your generation
versus today’s generation
Trouble Spots and
Remedies with Grandchildren
Trouble Spot - Staying a parent and not becoming a
grandparent
Remedy - Understand the differences between what
parents and grandparents do
Trouble Spot - Lack of one-on-one time
Remedy - Understand the strong need grandchildren have
for unconditional love and allow time for this to happen
Trouble Spot - Worrying about entertaining a grandchild
Remedy - Realize this is a spontaneous, relaxed
relationship
Grandparenting Situations
• Day-care grandparents – provide regular
care but don’t live with grandkids
• “Living-with” grandparents – reside together
but no legal custody
• Custodial grandparents – grandparent has
legal responsibility for grandchild
Grandparenting After
Parental Divorce
Challenge – Maintaining relationships with
grandchildren before, during and after divorce.
• Most children have strong feelings of
sadness, loneliness and anger
• Be - “A safe harbor in a storm”
• Special challenge to grandparents to avoid
making negative comments about either
parent
• Give “everyday” and extra attention
Ways to Help Your
Grandchildren Through Divorce
• Don’t disparage your ex-son- or daughter-in-law in front of
your grandchildren
• Remember holidays
• Be a good listener
• Become the unbiased, nonjudgmental confidante children
need in a loving authority because most children have strong
feelings of sadness, loneliness and anger
• Let your grandchildren know whatever they are feeling is OK
• Tell your grandchildren stories about challenges you have
faced and overcome in your life
• Read together during a quiet time before they go to bed or in
between activities during the day
Grandparent and Caretaker
Visitation Rights
• May find themselves without any legal right to
maintain contact with the children they love
• All 50 states have some type of “grandparent
visitation” statute
• Some states have “restrictive” visitation
statutes
• Might consider requesting a mediation session
with the children’s parents
• In most areas, courts give grandparents the
right to reasonable visitation with grandchildren
Grandparenting
Stepgrandchildren
• Remember HIS, HERS, THEIRS –
“They’re all mine now”
• These children already have a history
• These children already may have
grandparents
• You need to blend with both their history and
existing family – as best as possible
• Also, seek to create your own special space
and BE FAIR.
Grandparenting at a Distance
• Contact, contact, contact
• Letter writing and e-mail
• Instant messaging and webcam
• Send newspaper clippings, cartoons, jokes
• Communicate by phone, audio/video tapes
• Send a photo of yourself – T-shirt, hat or other
item linked with you
• Know the names of their friends, school,
teammates
• Cell phone, text messages, etc.
Grandparents
Raising Grandchildren
• Grandparent families are particularly
vulnerable to challenges in keeping their
grandchildren safe and meeting their basic
needs.
• Though their needs are serious and unique,
few programs assist intergenerational
families.
• Grandparent caregivers may fall between the
cracks of foster care, aging, education and
disability service systems.
Reasons for Grandparents
Raising Grandchildren
The U.S. government estimates up to 2.5 million
children are under the care of a grandparent.
Why?
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substance abuse
child abuse and neglect
teenage pregnancy
death of parent
parental unemployment
parental divorce or abandonment
AIDS/HIV
incarceration
Grandparent Support Groups
• Share coping strategies
• Manage feelings such as anger, guilt
• Find encouragement and strength
• Exchange ideas and resources
• Improve problem solving
• Learn to laugh again
Your Circle of Support –
Group Activity
Consider the people on whom you can rely.
• Draw a “Circle of Support” – a list of people you can
count on to help in certain situations.
• Start with a bull’s-eye – in the middle would be the
child/the family.
• The next circle – contains the list of people we can count
on in an emergency (e.g., other family members, closest
friends, etc.).
• Next circle – list “occasional helpers” (e.g., neighbors,
favorite baby sitters, the child’s friends’ families, others in
the support group).
• Last circle – consists of outside resources,
(e.g., agencies, schools, support services, etc.).
Giving to the Next Generation
Erik Erikson, a famous psychologist, taught
that the most important task of adulthood is
generativity – the task of giving of yourself to
the next generation.
• What are you giving?
• What are you giving to your grandchildren?
Eight Best Gifts
for Grandchildren
1. Spend time one-on-one with grandchildren.
2. Listen for their concerns as well as
their joys.
3. Send special letters and notes just for
them.
4. Offer companionship for activities
they enjoy.
Eight Best Gifts
for Grandchildren
5. Share your history and family traditions.
6. Be a role model to show grandchildren that
older people can be fun.
7. Show grandchildren acceptance just as they
are while encouraging them to reach their
potential.
8. Give the best gift of all — love.
Final Discussion Points
• Share a memory you have of time
spent with your grandparent.
• If you have grandchildren, share an
activity you like to do with them.