Helping the Shy Student Connect
to School
ASCA June 29, 2008
Dr. Teesue H. Fields
What is Shyness?
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A shy person wants to be with others
BUT
finds it difficult to do so
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The important word here is: WANTS
Is a shy person an introvert?
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NO!
An introvert likes being alone and is perfectly
happy being by themselves. They don’t
WANT to be with others.
Are People Born Shy?
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No. You develop feelings of shyness as you
grow up.
Shyness happens as you develop a sense of
self (about 18-24 months) and you think
people are looking at you.
Shyness can be triggered by negative
situations or lack of socialization.
Shyness Can Take Different Forms

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Two people can describe themselves as shy,
but it means different things.
Rafe can answer questions in class, but be
uncomfortable talking at parties.
Betina can be comfortable interacting in her
extended family but not with peers her age.
Can’t treat all shyness as the same

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As a counselor, you need to understand the
situations where a student feels shy
The student needs to better understand him
or herself and identify situations where s/he
feels shy
Why does shyness matter?


What kind of problems have you seen
students have as a result of their shyness?
Turn to the person next to you, introduce
yourself and the level of school where you
work and identify at least two kinds of
problems you’ve seen that result from
shyness.
Why does shyness matter?


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Research shows that students who feel
connected to school are less likely to drop
out. Part of that connection is having friends.
Being comfortable around others is a very
important job skill.
Shy students have difficulty asking for help.
Focus on teens

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Although any age (after 18-24 months) can
feel shy, we are focusing on pre-teens and
teens
Adolescence seems to magnify the problems
of shyness
Maybe because students feel so much more
self-conscious at adolescence
Becoming Successfully Shy


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The goal is not to CURE shyness
The goal is to help students learn to deal with
their shyness
Shy students will probably always be shy, but
they can learn to be successfully shy.
When they WANT to be with people, they can
learn how to do that
Strategy 1- Comfort Zones
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Shy people need to understand
Places they feel comfortable
People they feel comfortable with
Activities they feel comfortable doing
COMFORT ZONES WHERE THEY AREN’T
SHY!
EXAMPLE

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Milan likes to sing.
But only at home.
And only where
family can hear.
Expand Comfort Zones
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Student can do an activity that is
comfortable, but do it in a new place or with
new people
Milan can sing with one friend she trusts, but
still be at home
WATCH OUT FOR…..
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LAND MINDS
Anxiety can make it difficult for a student to
expand his or her comfort zones.
You need to help the student deal with the
anxiety
How does anxiety hurt?

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Look at Milan’s thoughts about singing with a
friend.
What anxious messages does she use?
How does this hamper her ability to expand
her comfort zones?
Dealing with Anxiety
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Student needs to identify anxious feelings
Realize it is OK to be anxious
Take anxiety temperature
Normal
Above Normal
Off the chart
Look at Joey’s Problem

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Work with person next to you to fill out the
anxiety worksheet
Remember, it’s important for the shy person
to be aware of what is happening.
Dealing with Anxiety

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With a little anxiety, take small steps
Do the activity for a short time and leave
Practice with a comfortable person (or with
your counselor or counseling group)
Be persistent – TRY AGAIN!
Strategy for Shyness:Warming Up

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Shy people aren’t instantly “on”
They need to give themselves time to warm
up
Can do something small to give themselves
time (pour punch, put out chairs, set up the
mike)
Then start slowly – talk to one person
Strategy – Survey the Scene

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Check things out ahead of time
Go early
Try things out when nobody is around
Watch other people doing something first
Look at Risa’s situation

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How can she use the steps in Surveying the
Scene to ease her anxiety and deal with her
shyness?
Work with the person next to you.
Land Mind Alert!
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Shy teens fall into the blame game trap
The shy teen tries something and it doesn’t
go well – the shy mind says “this is my fault”
Or things go OK and the shy mind says, “Boy
was I lucky. This will never happen again.”
Dealing with the Blame Game
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Think of the other reasons things didn’t go
well (great for counseling group)
Identify other people who contributed to the
problem
Trick the shy mind
Tricking the Shy Mind
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Admit that it WAS a little bit your fault
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But it was also a little bit your credit! You got
out of your comfort zone!
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If things go well, some of it was due to your
efforts; not all but at least some.
Strategy for Shyness
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Select a role model
Look at someone who is doing something
you want to do and study how they do it
Again, a great thing to do in counseling
Land Mind Alert!

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Shy teens tend to pick STARS as role
models.
If they want to talk to people at a party, they
pick the most outgoing person in class as
their model.
That’s NOT helpful. Need to pick someone
more like them.
Things to Remember

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Students need to set goals they are
comfortable with
Don’t push student to go too fast
This is not sink or swim! This is toe in the
water.
Things to Remember

Shy people will always be shy.

They can learn to be successfully shy so they
can do the things that THEY want to do.