Building Intimacy in Your
Small Group and Facilitating
Excellent Discussions
with Dr. Randy Wollf
Build a Healthy Group Culture
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Non-judgemental
Honest/transparent
Safe
Process oriented
Concerned about the other
Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. Making Small Groups Work: What Every Small Group
Leader Needs to Know. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2003. 71.
Love One Another
• John 13:34-35 - “A new command I give
you: Love one another. As I have loved
you, so you must love one another.35 By
this everyone will know that you are my
disciples, if you love one another.”
• Rom. 13:8; 1 Pet. 1:22; 1 Jn. 3:11, 23; 4:7,
11-12; 2 Jn. 1:5
Encourage One Another
• 1 Thess. 5:11 - Therefore encourage one
another and build each other up, just as in
fact you are doing.
• 1 Thess. 4:18; Heb. 3:13
Accept One Another
• Rom. 15:7 - Accept one another, then, just
as Christ accepted you, in order to bring
praise to God.
Be Kind to One Another
• Eph. 4:32 - Be kind and compassionate to
one another, forgiving each other, just as
in Christ God forgave you.
Live in Harmony with One
Another
• Rom. 12:16 - Live in harmony with one
another. Do not be proud, but be willing to
associate with people of low position.[a] Do
not be conceited.
Forgive One Another
• Eph. 4:32 - Be kind and compassionate to
one another, forgiving each other, just as
in Christ God forgave you.
• Col. 3:13
Be Hospitable to One Another
• 1 Pet. 4:9 - Offer hospitality to one another
without grumbling.
Be Devoted to One Another
• Rom. 12:10 - Be devoted to one another in
love. Honor one another above
yourselves.
Honour One Another
• Rom. 12:10 - Be devoted to one another in
love. Honor one another above
yourselves.
Teach and Admonish One
Another
• Col. 3:16 - Let the message of Christ dwell
among you richly as you teach and
admonish one another with all
wisdom through psalms, hymns, and
songs from the Spirit, singing to God with
gratitude in your hearts.
Lay Down Your Lives for One
Another
• 1 Jn. 3:16 - This is how we know what love
is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for
us. And we ought to lay down our lives for
our brothers and sisters.
Group Discussion
• If you were to pick one of the “one
anothers” to emphasize over the next
month in your small group, what would it
be?
Invest Time in Building
Community
• Between meetings
– Prayer for each other
– Social media
– One-on-one coffee times
– Mentoring relationships and accountability
groups
– Touching base
– Fun group activities
Invest Time in Building
Community
• During meetings
Focus
Action
Time
Welcome
10 Minutes
Word
Opening
Question
Praying for
Friends
Bible Study
Worship
Worship
15 Minutes
Wind
Ministry
30 Minutes
Witness
10 Minutes
25 Minutes
Egli, Jim and Dwight Marable. Big Impact: Connecting People to God and One Another in
Thriving Groups. ChurchSmart Resources. 2011, p. 68.
Invest Time in Building
Community
• During meetings
– Some structure and predictability can promote
a sense of safety.
Egli, Jim and Dwight Marable. Big Impact: Connecting People to God and One Another in
Thriving Groups. ChurchSmart Resources. 2011, p. 68.
Welcome – Breaking the Ice
• If you could choose, in which Olympic
sport would you most like to win a gold
medal? Why?
• What’s one thing you wish someone would
do for you when you’re sick?
• Finish this sentence: One topic I’m
interested in learning more about is….
• One thing I’m really looking forward to
right now is…
Witness – Building Communitas
• “…communitas describes the dynamics of
the Christian community inspired to
overcome their instincts to ‘huddle and
cuddle’ and to instead form themselves
around a common mission that calls them
onto a dangerous journey to unknown
places –
Hirsch, Allan. The Forgotten Ways: Reactivating the Missional Church.
Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos Press. 2006, p. 221.
Witness – Building Communitas
• a mission that calls the church to shake off
its collective securities and to plunge into
the world of action, where its members will
experience disorientation and
marginalization but also where they
encounter God and one another in a new
way.”
Hirsch, Allan. The Forgotten Ways: Reactivating the Missional Church.
Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos Press. 2006, p. 221.
Witness – Building Communitas
• According Egli and Marable’s (2011)
research, “If you want to experience
deeper community in your small group,
you should make it an open group that
actively reaches out to others.”
Egli, Jim and Dwight Marable. Big Impact: Connecting People to God and One Another in
Thriving Groups. ChurchSmart Resources. 2011, p. 37.
Word – Facilitating Excellent
Community-building Discussion
• Discovery Questions – What does it say?
• Understanding Questions – What does it
mean?
• Application Questions – What should I
apply to my life?
Word – Facilitating Excellent
Community-building Discussion
• Understanding Questions
– Synonyms – What is another word for “grace?”
– Definitions – How would you define “Lord?”
– Differences – What is the difference between
forgiveness and reconciliation?
– Similarities – How is the church like a human
body?
– Opposites – What is the opposite of truth?
– Relationships – How are “lordship” and
“obedience” related?
Word – Facilitating Excellent
Community-building Discussion
• Understanding Questions
– Examples – What are some examples of two
being better than one?
– Why – Why do you think Jesus wept over
Jerusalem?
– Explain – How would you explain salvation to a
child?
– Extremes – Which one of the characteristics…
– How – How do you think we can sharpen one
another as Christians?
Word – Facilitating Excellent
Community-building Discussion
• Application Questions
– What stands out to you from this passage?
– What is one thing that you can take from our
discussion into your week?
– How does this ______ (truth, principle, idea)
apply to your life?
– What is the next step for you to live out what
God is saying to you through this passage?
– Can you illustrate this truth with an example
from your own life?
Word – Facilitating Excellent
Community-building Discussion
• 10 C’s of Quality Questions
– Concise
– Complete
– Clear
– Connected
– Conversational
– Contestable
– Challenging
– Creative
– Controversial
– Considerate
Davis, Deena. Discipleship Journal’s 101 Best Small Group Ideas. Colorado Springs, CO:
NavPress, 1996.
Word – Facilitating Excellent
Community-building Discussion
• Questions that are judgmental, negative, or
prescriptive can tear down and
disempower, while pure questions can
provoke greater understanding and
motivation.
Walling, Terry. Leader Breakthru Coaching Skills, p. 31.
Worship – Opening Our Hearts
to God and Each Other
• Encourage people to worship from the heart
• Take time to pause for God to do a deeper
work
• Allow time for personal sharing
• Include times of spontaneous worship
Wind – Ministry to Each Other
• Exploring group dynamics
• Large group prayer
– “What is one thing you want to ask God for?”
• Small group prayer
– “What is hurting you right now?”
– “Where would you like to grow in your life?”
– “What area of your life is holding you back from
experiencing God more?”
– “What has God been saying to you tonight?”
Wind – Ministry to Each Other
• The Role of Prayer in Your Group
– Decide prayer’s place
– Be sensitive to peoples’ level of comfort
– Give freedom
– Pray about group issues
– Guide people to expect God’s response
Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. Making Small Groups Work: What Every Small Group
Leader Needs to Know. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2003. 78-79.
Extend Forgiveness
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Dig deeper
Push a bit
Talk about grace/forgiveness
Create the right environment
Experience grace and forgiveness
Make failure an expected event
Ibid. 87
Provide Support
• Attending
• Validation
• Assessing reality
Ibid. 88-90
Provide Support
• Groups take over when necessary
– “…groups take over where the weak person
gives out. They provide love, support, advice,
and encouragement when the person just
doesn’t have the resolve to do something that
seems difficult or even impossible” (Cloud &
Townsend, 90)
• Identification
Ibid. 88-90
Process Grief Together
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Invite sad, confused and angry emotions
Help the person go through the stages
Allow the person to continue to process
Function as the lost resource
Teach about grief and loss
Help with faith
Ibid. 95-97
Provide a Place for Healing
Healing is not the absence of the pain (just
like faith is not the absence of fear – faith is
choosing to walk in right ways despite fear)
Healing is knowing the root of pain and not
functioning according to the lies I am
tempted to believe right now.
Ken Dyck, Founder of Freedom Session
Provide a Place for Healing
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•
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Comfort the hurting
Validate their experience and feelings
Separate injury from symptom
Empower them to take ownership
Provide support to engage in emotionally
corrective experiences
Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. Making Small Groups Work: What Every Small Group
Leader Needs to Know. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2003. 98-100.
Provide a Place for Healing
• “Groups use the power that God provides
to give people a new life, new ways of
relating, and new ways to experience
themselves” (Cloud and Townsend, p.
100).
Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. Making Small Groups Work: What Every Small Group
Leader Needs to Know. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2003. 100.
Practice Loving Confrontation
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Normalize and expect confrontation
Address patterns more than events
No condemnation and no equivocation
Invite people to redemption
Contain sin
Ibid. 102-103
Practice Loving Confrontation
• “Conflict flows from life…Rather than seeing
conflict as a threat, we can understand it as
providing opportunities to grow and to increase our
understanding of ourselves, of others, of our social
structures. Conflicts in relationships at all levels
are the way life helps us to stop, assess, and take
notice. One way to truly know our humanness is to
recognize the gift of conflict in our lives. Without it
life would be a monotonously flat topography of
sameness and our relationships would be woefully
superficial” (Lederach, 2003, p. 18).
Lederach, John Paul. The Little Book of Conflict Transformation. Intercourse, PA: Good
Books, 2003. p. 18.
Practice Loving Confrontation
• 4 G’s of peacemaking
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Glorify God
Get the Log Out of Your Eye
Gently Restore
Go and Be Reconciled
http://www.peacemaker.net/site/c.aqKFLTOBIpH/b.958149/k.303A/The_Four_Gs.htm
Practice Loving Confrontation
• The Seven A’s of Confession
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Address everyone involved
Avoid if, but, and maybe
Admit specifically
Acknowledge the hurt
Accept the consequences
Alter your behavior
Ask for forgiveness
http://www.peacemaker.net/site/c.aqKFLTOBIpH/b.958153/k.7417/Seven_As_of_Confession.htm
Practice Loving Confrontation
• Four Promises of Forgiveness
– "I will not dwell on this incident.“
– "I will not bring up this incident again and
use it against you.“
– "I will not talk to others about this incident."
– "I will not let this incident stand between us
or hinder our personal relationship."
http://www.peacemaker.net/site/c.aqKFLTOBIpH/b.958157/k.B361/Four_Promises_of_Forgiveness.ht
m
Building Intimacy in Your
Small Group and Facilitating
Excellent Discussions
with Dr. Randy Wollf