Handling Self Defeating Beliefs
By Robert Bircher
Lawyers Assistance Program
Self Defeating Beliefs
• A self defeating belief is a narrative or story
you believe about yourself that makes you
vulnerable to painful mood swings as well as
conflicts in your personal relationships
• It is an attitude that is always with you, a part
of your personal philosophy or core values
• Many are culturally supported “If you are
hardworking and productive you are a good
and worthwhile person”
Self Defeating Beliefs
• They tend to be created in childhood and are
often held for life, unless an intervening
process occurs
• They may be partly or generally accurate-but
they almost always have cognitive distortions
• They result in ineffective attitudes, behaviors
and emotional responses and can be extremely
devastating or even deadly in some
cases(suicide)
The story I tell myself
• Another way to describe it is an inaccurate
irrational core belief that limits my potential
• If you have an irrational core belief “I am no good
at music, in fact I am tone deaf” then it is highly
probable you won't pursue a career in music or
have much to do with it or have interest in it-thus
missing out on a part of life
• If the belief is “accurate” then it is not self
defeating or irrational-the difficulty is many self
defeating beliefs seem accurate but are not
Cost and Benefit of Beliefs
• Rather than think of self defeating beliefs as good or
bad or right or wrong it is more useful to look at
advantages and disadvantages, for you, of these beliefs
• For example if I believe that “I must be a success in life
to be a worthwhile person”-the advantages are that you
may work harder to be successful-the disadvantage is
that when you are not successful you will feel
worthless-another disadvantage is that you may not feel
that you are successful enough-or not as successful as
you should be
• With this common and simple belief you have made
your self esteem conditional
Two Edged Swords
• Most core beliefs have both advantages and
disadvantages-most people never analyze them closely
and just assume they are a net benefit which may or
may not be accurate
• Another popular belief is that “I must be loved to be
worthwhile”-advantages of this belief are that you will
likely work hard on personal relationships and value
others-disadvantages are that if you are rejected by
another person you will feel worthless and inadequate;
also if someone is mad at you may react and avoid the
conflict instead of hearing what the other person is
upset about
Change the Story
• A good idea is do a cost –benefit analysis of
your beliefs-most beliefs have both costs and
benefits
• Changing the story you tell yourself changes
your behavior, changing your behavior means
you get different results in your life
• The trick is to get a better story and believe in
it as much as you did your old story-your mind
will usually resist this
Cognitive Distortions
• When you examine a belief it is a good idea to
check for cognitive distortions-see attached
sheet
• You will find that many beliefs you hold dear
are full of distortions-even a seemingly
innocent belief like “I should always be
successful and never fail” has many distortions
and can cause untold misery
Anatomy of Belief Change
• Lets see how this works in real life
• Imagine a new lawyer who believes “Success to
me is being a partner in a big firm and making
$300,000 per year” their are advantages and
disadvantages to this belief-if it works out there
will be huge prices to pay-if it doesn’t there will
be a sense of failure and disappointment –also
while in the process of getting (or not getting) this
you will feel unsuccessful(I haven’t quite made it
yet)
New and Improved Belief
• Imagine another new lawyer who has carefully
examined her thinking and thinks “success to me is
being in the process of creating that which is most
important to me”
• This belief allows her to be successful all the way to the
goal-it also forces her to carefully examine what is
most important to her-she will clarify her values and be
more likely to feel great about achieving whatever goal
she sets-also no particular event needs to occur to make
her happy-she has set her life up to win-she has
removed as many preconditions as possible and can
face life's contingencies