All New People
Written by Zach Braff
DOI: 10.5040/9781408185353.00000001
Page Range: 5-60
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Great upbeat music plays as the audience filters in. A scrim covers the stage. As the house lights go down:
Something like the song ‘The Buzzards of Bourbon Street’ by Gaelic Storm kicks in loud. The curtain rises to reveal Charlie,
thirty-five, standing on a chair with an extension cord fashioned as a noose around his neck. He smokes a cigarette.
We're in a high-end Long Beach Island, New Jersey beach house. It is the dead of winter. We see snow outside the windows.
An unlit fireplace is stage right. On a downbeat of the song, lights are full up and the music changes to sound as though it's
coming from a stereo in the home.
Charlie looks for a place to ash his cigarette, but realizes his reach is limited by the noose. He stretches as far as he can for the
ashtray on a nearby counter and tosses it in.
Suddenly, Charlie hears the ‘bwoop-woop-woop’ of a car alarm being turned on. His eyes register his confusion; ‘Who the fuck
could that be?’
Emma
(off stage) All right then, Mr Goldberg; well I just got to the house and I'll put all the lights on for you and get
the heat started so you'll be able to have a look at the place without freezing yourselves … great, and you have the
directions? All right, see you in a bit.
Charlie wrestles with what to do. Just as he begins to try and loosen the cord from around his neck … Emma enters bundled
up. She sees Charlie.
Emma
Oh my God!
In a scramble to get the noose off of him, Charlie loses his footing on the chair and knocks it over. He begins flailing around,
swinging from the noose.
Emma
Oh my GOD!!! Oh my GOD!!
Emma runs over and picks up the chair and helps Charlie steer his legs back on to it.
Emma
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
Oh my God! What the fuck is wrong with you?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Who the fuck are you?!
Who the hell are you and why are you trying to kill yourself in the middle of one of my summer rentals?!
This is my parents’ beach house. You have no right to just barge in here without knocking.
Emma
It's the middle of winter at the beach! No one's sposed to be here. I'm trying to rent the place for your parents! I
certainly didn't think anybody was gonna be in here trying to hang themselves! To Riverdance music!
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
Emma
I'm not trying to hang myself!
Really?! Just going for a little swing then? Just gonna dangle by your neck for a bit and think things over?
Would you please just get the fuck out of here?!
No I will not! You know, you might start off with a brief thank you to me for saving your life.
I didn't ask to be saved. What I want, is some fucking privacy!
Look, I don't wanna be insensitive.
Try a little harder.
I have no idea what's going on with you or what your current situation is. It does seem a bit like you might be
trying to hang yourself with an extension cord, but I'm fully aware that things aren't always what they seem to be: book
by its cover … tranny in a trouser suit … You may very well have been trying to . . . wire up some Christmas lights when
you … tripped and got all tangled up in that extension cord. But if I don't rent a house for next summer soon, I'm gonna
be fired and they're gonna try to send me back to bloody fucking England because I don't have a Green Card or a visa
and there aren't too many jobs I can get. Pretty soon I'll be right up there with you, accidentally hanging myself whilst
merely trying to be festive. So would you please do a stranger a tiny kindness before you die and allow me to attempt to
rent your parents’ ridiculously expensive beach house to this nice Jewish couple Miriam and Irving Goldberg. Please,
fucker, I'm begging you.
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He stares at her a beat. Lights a cigarette.
Charlie
Go ahead.
Emma
Thank you.
She sits there. After a beat.
Charlie
Well, where are they?
Emma
They're not here yet. They said they were on their way. But they're old and Jewish; it could be hours. They said
they had to first pick up their grandson, Saul. Why Saul needs to come, I have no idea. Personally I think they're gonna
try and set me up with him. With Saul, a dentist. A dentist who does amateur dramatics. He probably wears Les Mis tshirts to the gym. Jesus Christ; do you mind if I have a drink?
Before he can answer, she pulls a liquor bottle out of her purse and takes a swig.
Emma
I'm sorry, I'm being completely insensitive and bloody fucking selfish. I suck at being human; desperation has
made me evil. So I apologize … New chapter: why were you trying to do yourself in? And why hanging; it seems to be
the most aggressive of all methods. Haven't you any pills?
Charlie
I have pills.
Emma
Really. What have you got?
Charlie
Xanax, Valium, Klonopin.
Emma
Party, party, party. We could turn this day around for both of us real quick, couldn't we? I'm just kidding. Well not
really; but that's irrelevant. Back to you … What put you over the edge?
Charlie
I really don't wanna talk about it.
Emma
Well what's the point in being coy about it now? If you're gonna do it, you're gonna do it, right? They always say
that people who really wanna do themselves in are gonna find a way. (Realizing.) Maybe God sent you me and the
Goldbergs for one last shot at talking you out of it. Don't you believe in fate? I'm sorry what's your name?
Charlie
Charlie.
Emma
Don't you believe in fate, Charlie? Here you are, in an empty beach house, on a deserted island, in the middle of
the fucking winter, moments away from ending it all, when in I walk. Does that give you no pause? Maybe God sent me
to provide you with some sort of … access to the doors of your mind that remain rusted closed.
Beat.
Emma
Sorry. I should tell you that I am super stoned right now. So if I say silly nonsense like that, you're gonna have to
forgive me.
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
Sure. Look I …
You want me to go.
You seem like you're a very nice person –
Really?
No. And I don't wanna be rude . . .
Emma
But you've got things to do … Hmmm. You know you've put me into a smidgen of a moral conundrum here; you
do realize that, Charlie. I don't think I can leave.
Charlie
And why is that?
Emma
I think I may have been sent here to help. You may believe that or not depending on where you stand on God
and fate and destiny and all that; it's none of my business. But I do know that it's a little bizarre I walked in when I did
since I wasn't even gonna show them this house because it's outside their price range. This morning they called up and
asked to see it. Out of the blue. Spooky. A religious person might think God intervened. I don't know what you believe,
but … Jesus or Moses or Muhammad, Vishnu, who's the one with the arms? The elephant with all the arms?
Charlie
Ganesh.
Emma
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Ganesh. I doubt it was Ganesh; don't know what his deal was, but it doesn't strike me as him.But whoever your
God is, I think may have channeled an intervention through two cranky old Jews from the Newark suburbs. I think I'm
here to help. So why did you tie a noose around your neck my new friend?
Charlie
To put it as simply as possible: I'm not happy.
Emma
Who is? Have you ever met anyone that's happy for longer than fifteen minutes every once in a while? If they
told you they were, they were full of shit. Who told you you were owed happiness?
Charlie
I don't think I'm owed anything.
Emma
A man gives his child a million dollars and says, ‘Son, this is everything I've worked for, go enjoy your life.’ The
kid comes back the next day and says, ‘Thanks for the million, Dad, but I'd also like a fucking robot sidekick.’ Is that kid a
dick?
Charlie
What the fuck are you talking about?
Emma
Isn't that you? You're the dickhead kid asking for a robot sidekick when you've already gotten a million dollars.
God gave you life and you've come back to whine for happiness. Life should be enough. Take life and walk … be
grateful.
Charlie
OK look, I can see that you're a little out of sorts, so I'm gonna say this as kindly as possible. I don't give a fuck
about God. Now I suppose it's obvious, I've got a couple things on my mind. But don't you fucking dare stroll in here
and just splatter your religion all over the room, OK?
A cell phone rings.
Emma
Charlie
You know I'm not really sure what the etiquette is in this situation. Should I not get that?
Go ahead.
Emma
Normally I wouldn't; and I agree with you that it's a little weird because of the nature of what you're sharing. But
the truth is, I'm expecting an important delivery and this pertains to that.
Charlie
Go ahead.
She answers. Attempts to be covert.
Emma
Hello? … Myron; thank God. Look; can you come by the big house in Loveladies. Well I came over here to show
these people the house and it turns out someone's trying to hang himself in the living room … No, I'm not shitting you
… Yes I have to get this all sorted out before they arrive; I imagine it will be a bit hard for them to envision playing Jenga
in the summertime if they think some suicidal ghost is gonna be swinging over their heads . . .
She notices Charlie staring at her.
Emma
OK, I should go.
She hangs up. He stares at her.
Emma
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
You know, even as I said that I realized it was crass. That was my friend, Myron.
Awesome.
So you were saying …
I wasn't saying anything. Look, would you mind terribly waiting outside for your friend?
It's freezing outside! I can be quiet. I won't say another word.
I don't think that's possible.
Emma
Charlie
Emma
No. I can do that.
I'm pretty sure you can't. I'd literally bet my life on it.
We could have like a meditation.
Charlie
No meditation. Just quiet. No talking. You'll just wait for your friend in silence. You'll get whatever it is he's
delivering and then be off on your merry little way.
Emma
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No. You're right. Peace and fucking quiet. Amen. I talk too much when I'm nervous. Sorry … I don't know why
I'm so nervous … I mean I know why I am, I suppose, the circumstances are … unique. But I can handle it.
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
Emma
OK.
I just can't quite … stop … talking.
OK, well … let's start now.
Yes. I agree.
Emma paces a bit. It's clear silence is hard for her. She looks at photos, then crosses to a piece of African art that sits on a stand
behind the couch. It consists of hundreds of tiny beads woven together. She fondles it, and almost immediately the beads
begin to fall all over the floor, making a ton of noise and destroying the artwork. When it finally stops, they both stare at each
other.
Emma
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
I can fix that.
Just please leave it.
Don't be silly, it won't take long. I'm just gonna need some thread and a magnifying glass.
Please just leave it alone.
Emma
No, no, no. This is so embarrassing. I'll have my friend Myron come in and help me fix it. He's good with the arts
and all that; taught high school drama for ten years. Watches tons of movies. He's completely in love with me and I may
have to marry him to stay in the country, but talk about a last resort; I have absolutely no attraction to him sexually, but I
love his mind. He's one of those people who so beautifully straddles the line of insane and sane. (Beat.) Maybe that's
your problem.
Charlie
I'm insane?
Emma
You're too sane. Insane you'd be walking around Manhattan yelling at pigeons and talking to statues – I once
watched a homeless guy in Union Square Park have a thirty-minute heated discussion with a statue of Gandhi. Just
screaming at fucking Gandhi! Telling him to eat a fucking sandwich. And no one's doing anything. Not one person in that
park had Gandhi's back except me. So I walked right up to him and said, ‘Listen you crazy fuck! Leave Gandhi alone.
Have some respect! He is a man of peace. If he wanted to eat, he'd eat.’ He called me a cunt and roller-bladed off.
Anyway, my point is, you're not that kind of crazy. You're probably too sane. You think too much; that'll drive you crazy.
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
Has anyone ever told you that you talk a lot.
Yes. But I was a bit backed up from our meditation.
What is your name?
Emma.
Charlie.
Yes I know. Sad Charlie. It's nice to meet you. And just in time too, huh?
Emma, I killed six people.
What's that now?
That's why I'm gonna kill myself. I murdered six innocent people. You asked what put me over the edge … the
straw that broke the camel's back … It was that. That's what it was.
Silence.
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
You have less to say now.
That's a pretty heavy piece of straw sad Charlie. You're not gonna murder me are you?
I haven't decided yet.
The doorbell rings.
Emma
Oh, fuck. The Goldbergs!
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Beat.
Would you mind terribly not mentioning this to them? Something tells me this whole … murder/suicide thing might put
them off a bit.
She drapes the noose against the wall and quickly crosses to the door. She opens it to reveal Myron. He is in his late thirties and
wears a fireman's uniform.
Emma
Welcome!
Myron
Hey, baby.
Emma
Oh, Myron, it's just you. Thank God. Come on in. This is Charlie; this is his parents’ house.
Myron
No it isn't. This isn't your house.
Charlie
How do you know?
Myron
Because I know a lot of things.
Emma
You said this was your house.
Charlie
I did say that.
Myron
This is Kevin O'Donnell's house. Super-rich stock broker guy. That's not you. Sweetheart, how do you not know
whose house you're renting out?
Emma
Our office handles over a thousand houses on this island, Myron. Do you think I've got everybody's family
memorized? Do I look like the fucking Lion King?
Myron
Elephants are the ones with good memories, not lions.
Emma
Whatever.
Charlie
Emma
He's right.
About the lions?
Charlie
No. Kevin's my friend. This is his house. Are you a fireman?
Myron
No, I'm a gay stripper. What's with the noose?
Emma
Charlie's planning on killing himself.
Myron
Fuck, that's right! Exciting. I was just sitting at the station staring at the wall. This is already better.
Emma
And one more thing, Myron … moments ago he also told me he killed some people.
Myron
Emma are you stoned?
Emma
Quite.
Myron
This guy hasn't killed anybody. He's fucking with you.
Charlie
You just met me. How could you possibly know what I'm capable of? How do you know I'm not seconds away
from blowing your fucking head off?
Myron
I'm a vibe guy, OK? I get vibes. And your vibe, frankly, reeks of pussy. I think you're making shit up to try to get
laid. And there's nothing wrong with that; I do it all the time.Last week I told some girl in Atlantic City I was at the
Normandy invasion. Now that would have made me at least eighty-nine years old, but she bought it. She blew me
behind a shoe-shine booth outside Caesar's; said it was ‘for the troops’.
Emma
What a lovely story.
Myron
The next night I even upped the ante: pretended to have a nightmare and started yelling ‘The Gooks are
coming, the Gooks are coming!’ That drove her ape-shit. So I've played this game; I know how it works.
Charlie
The Japanese weren't at Normandy.
Myron
What?
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Charlie
Amongst all the preposterous nonsense that you just said, one phrase stands out amongst the rest as the most
idiotic. You implied that the Japanese were at Normandy. It was the Germans. The Americans called them ‘Jerry’, but
there were no ‘Gooks’.
Myron
No Gooks at Normandy?
Charlie
No Gooks at Normandy.
Emma
That sounds like the title of some brave general's autobiography … How many people did you say you killed,
Charlie?
Charlie
Six.
Myron
Bullshit.
Charlie
I think I'm gonna have a drink now.
As Charlie crosses to the bar, he slips on the hundreds of beads that have been scattered across the floor from the artwork. He
lands on his back.
Charlie
Awwww, fuck!
Emma
Oh my God! Charlie! The beads! Are you OK? You are just not having a good day, are you?
Myron
(suddenly suspicious) This place has been booby-trapped. I saw this in a movie once …
Emma
Home Alone.
Myron
Yes. Home Alone.
Emma
It has not been booby-trapped. I broke some African art. It was a piece of shit anyway; probably made in China.
The beads went everywhere, I need your help sewing it all back together.
Myron
We'll need some thread and a magnifying glass.
Emma
That's what I said.
Charlie stands holding his back.
Myron
That's gonna hurt tomorrow.
Emma
Luckily for Charlie there won't be a tomorrow. I suppose that's some good news.
Charlie pours a drink at the bar.
Myron
I'll take one of those too, thanks.
Charlie
I'm not pouring you a drink; you're a fireman. What if there's a fire?
Emma and Myron laugh.
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
Myron
What's so funny?
It's the dead of winter, Charlie. There aren't gonna be any fires.
Things don't burn in the winter?
They do, but they don't. There's no one on the island. Only a few thousand people in the off-season. Almost two
hundred thousand in the height of summer. But right now, this place is a ghost town. Anybody who's here now, is here
cause they got no place else to go.
Emma
Guilty as charged. I'd love to be anywhere else but here. No offense to my only friend; but I'm stuck. Outta
money, no visa, can't rent a house out to save my life … I'm hopelessly tangled in nothingness.
Myron
I mean there are the occasional things of course … chest pains, smoke alarm at the coffee shop, somebody tries
to make a fire and forgets to open the flue. But for the most part it's quiet around here. I can have a drink … or three.
Emma
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Charlie
Myron does other things in the off-season.
Like what?
Emma
Myron's the island's drug dealer.
Charlie
Your parents must be so proud.
Myron
I prefer ‘Purveyor of Distractions’. I'm kinda like Ricardo Montalban from Fantasy Island; except I've yet to find a
dwarf that'll yell ‘Da plane, Da plane!’ (In normal voice, not an impression of Hervé.)
Charlie
OK, listen to me. I have a gun in the other room. And if you people don't get up off that couch and get the fuck
out of here right now, I'm gonna go in there and when I come back out, I'm gonna blow your fucking heads off!
Emma
Myron? What are your vibes telling you about this latest outburst?
Myron
They're telling me his gun's probably orange and says ‘Super Soaker’ on the side.
Emma
Why would you want to kill your friends?
Charlie
You think we're friends?!
Emma
I think Myron and I might be the only friends you've got. There isn't exactly a line out the door of people trying
to stop you from turning yourself into a human piñata. Isn't that right, Myron?
Myron
Now he's got a gun. I think he's just trying to get into your undies by weaving some kinda Bonnie and Clyde
crime caper. I think, she caught you trying to dangle yourself and you thought, ‘Hey, I might as well go out with a bang .
. .’ So all of a sudden you're a killer on the run. I call it bullshit, I think you just wanna get in her pants by titillating her
with fancy tales of stealing her all sorts of diamonds and bonds …
Charlie
Bonds?
Myron
Whatever they steal from banks these days …
Charlie
I think it's still cash.
Myron
In Beverly Hills Cop they stole bonds.
Emma
I really just want a Green Card. Can you steal me that, Charlie? I'll be Bonnie to your Clyde if I could just have a
bloody Green Card.
The action on stage freezes. A scrim lowers. A pre-shot film flickers to life. We are inside one of the pods of the ‘London Eye’
Ferris wheel. Emma stands across from Badger, a tough-looking British man.
Badger
Emma
Badger
What a fucking atrocity.
I think it's kind of nice.
It's a fucking disaster. Thank God it'll all be consigned to the dump the second this millennium bollocks is over
with.
Beat.
Badger
Hand me the envelope.
She does.
Badger
It'll be done on Monday; the day before he's scheduled to be paroled. You need to leave the country. No
contact with anyone you know.
Emma
I can't even call my dad? I have to say goodbye …
Badger
Emma
Never again. No email, not even a post card.
Is that it then?
Badger
There is one more thing. Clementine Thomas nicknamed ‘Emma’ by her mother, Annabelle, who died of breast
cancer when her only daughter was barely eight years old. Your only surviving relative is your father, Russel, who tends
bar at the Lion's Head pub in Camden. He roots for Tottenham Hotspur and likes to feed the ducks in Regent's Park
after church on Sunday morning.
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Emma
How do you know all this? What's your point?
Badger
We never met. You've never seen me. If you do ever see me again, it's because you fucked up. You done
something wrong. And I'll slit your father's fucking throat with a Samurai sword I won at auction without raising my pulse
even one half a beat for the minute. You get all that?
Emma
Yes.
Badger
(he sings sweetly) Oh my darlin’, oh my darlin’, oh my darlin’ Clementine, you are lost and gone forever, dear
sweet darling, Clementine.
Beat. They see a plane flying out of Heathrow in the distance.
Badger
Put your tray table up, Emma Thomas, we're about to get going …
The scrim rises up, lights up on stage.
Charlie
You can't steal a Green Card.
Myron
You could if you put the right team together.
Charlie
What?
Myron
You know those movies where they have to assemble the right team and everyone has their specialty and in the
end it all works out because they each did their part?
Charlie
Yeah.
Myron
Well I'll bet if you put the right team together you could steal Emma a Green Card.
Emma
Ooh, please put a team together, Charlie. I wanna follow the American dream and collect unemployment.
Charlie
Emma
I am not a thief!
‘You can be anything you wanna be’; that's what Dad always said.
Charlie
I don't know anything about putting a team of thieves together. I've never stolen anything in my life. (Beat.) I'm
a fighter pilot for the U.S. Air Force.
Silence.
Myron
Come on.
Emma
Really?
Charlie
I fly the F-22 Raptor for the Air Force! I've flown over two hundred sorties over Iraq and Afghanistan. I'm a
fighter pilot. I'm not a fucking thief.
Myron
Wow. That's a whole nother level. Do you mind if I use that one?
Charlie
It's not a fucking pickup line, asshole. You're really starting to piss me off.
Myron
You just don't strike me as a fighter pilot. You're a little too … Jewy.
Charlie
That makes absolutely no sense. The Israeli Air Force is the second best air force in the world. I imagine there's
probably a few Jews flying their planes. I'm not a liar.
Emma
Charlie
Well technically you did lie about owning this house.
Kevin O'Donnell and I went to college together. I told him I'm going through a hard time. I wanted to be alone,
so he said I could come here.
Emma
To kill yourself.
Charlie
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He doesn't know about that part. He's got more money than anybody I know and so he can afford to do his
friend a favor.
Myron
Well the place is just sitting here …
Charlie
What?
Myron
What I mean is … the house is just sitting here. It's the off-season.
Emma
Myron, don't minimize Kevin's favor.
Myron
I'm not minimizing his favor. It was very nice of him to let you off yourself in his beach house. But it's not like he's
really given you anything at a loss to himself … What I mean is, he hasn't paid for anything.
Emma
Heat …
Myron
Yes, he's given you heat.
The doorbell rings. They all freeze.
Emma
Charlie
Oh fuck! The Goldbergs!
Jesus Christ.
Emma
Wait, there's no car … Myron, did you tell anyone you were coming here?
Myron
I didn't tell anyone, but I mean . . . people know I'm here.
Charlie
How?
Myron
Cause I got the fire truck parked outside.
Charlie
You parked the fucking fire truck in front of the house?
Myron
Well when I pulled up I didn't exactly expect this little fiesta did I?? I thought I was just dropping off some
Canadian anti-depressants for ‘tea and crumpets’ over there.
Emma
For the record, they're not Canadian anti-depressants. I would never outsource my happiness to that glorified
colony. They're produced here by the free and the brave.
The doorbell rings again. Charlie tries to see who it is.
Charlie
Who the fuck is out there?!
Myron removes a tube of glue and begins to inhale it loudly through his nose.
Charlie
Are you huffing glue?!
Myron
Yes I am; glue calms me. Now why don't you go open door number one and see what we've won. I'm hoping it's
a dining set!
Emma opens the door. There stands Kim. She is twenty-two and stunning. They all stare. She looks at Myron in his uniform.
Emma
Kim
Hello.
Is there a fire?
Myron is dumbfounded by her beauty.
Myron
Kim
Charlie
Kim
Uhhh … not anymore. I put it out.
Oh. Thank God. I'm looking for Charlie Bloom.
I'm Charlie.
Is everything OK?
Charlie
Kim
Charlie
Kim
Myron
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Kim
Yes, everything's fine. I'm sorry, but who are you? How did you know I was here?
Kevin O'Donnell sent me from New York City.
To do what?
To cheer you up. He said you were down in the dumps. I'm a present. I'm yours for the night.
Oh my God we've won a prostitute.
I'm not a prostitute, I'm an escort.
Myron
And I'm not a fireman, I'm a pressurized water courier. Come on inside. It's freezing out.
Charlie
Wait …
She comes in the room. Myron closes the door and brings her into the room.
Kim
Myron
Kim
It smells like glue.
We were making a collage.
Fun; I love crafts. Hi, I'm Kim.
Myron
I'm Myron Dunlap, Chief of the Long Beach Island Fire Department and personal concierge to all VIP's from the
neighboring island of Manhattan.
Kim
Nice to meet you.
Charlie
You're the chief of the fire department?
Myron
Yes. Why are you so surprised?
Charlie
Because you obviously have a drug problem!
Myron
Doesn't really feel like a problem to me.
Emma
Hello, I'm Emma. Welcome to our humble abode.
Kim
Cool. I like your accent.
Emma
Thanks, I made it myself.
Myron
Can I offer you a drink?
Charlie
No.
Kim
Sure, tequila's fine. Do you guys have any cocaine?
Charlie
Oh, Jesus.
Myron
I like the way you enter a party, young Kimberly. Allow me to send a quick text …
Emma
Get some nitrous-oxide and a bag of Cheetos too.
Myron takes out his phone and types a text.
Charlie
No, no, no, no. Stop taking your coat off. Look, I don't know how to say this nicely, but …Get the fuck out! We
are not having a party! Look … ma'am …
Kim
Kim.
Charlie
Kim. I'm really sorry, but I feel like there's been a misunderstanding. I can see what Kevin was trying to do. And
he means well. But I'm not really in the mood to …
Kim
Myron
You don't think I'm pretty?
I think you're very pretty.
Kim
Charlie
Emma
Thank you.
What? No, you're very attractive. It's just that …
Charlie's having an off day; he's not really in the mood to be … escorted.
Kim
Well we don't have to really go anywhere. We can just sit here and talk if you want. Kevin bought me out for the
whole night.
Charlie
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Look. It's not you, I'm just – I'm going through kind of a tough time right now. I'm actually trying to remove the
guests I currently have, so it seems a bit counter-intuitive to be inviting new ones in.
Kim
Charlie
Kim
Are you upset about the fire?
The what, now?
Are you upset about the fire that he just put out.
Charlie
There was no fire.
Myron
Eh, eh, eh … What he means is, to call it a fire would be an understatement. It was more like a mini holocaust.
Kim
Oh. Where are all the other firemen?
Charlie
Yes, where are all the other firemen?
Myron
Dead.
Emma
Dead?
Myron
Dead.
Charlie
Dead?
Myron
Dead. She claimed them all.
Kim
You guys are fucking with me.
Myron
Not yet, but we're looking forward to that.
Charlie
Listen, thanks for coming all the way down here, but I'm gonna have to take a rain check.
Kim
I just let the car service go. And it was a three-hour drive. If you don't want me here, how am I supposed to get
home?
Myron
Kim
I can give you a lift.
In the fire truck.
Myron
Of course.
Charlie
It's a great idea; why don't we get that going right now …
Emma
But Myron; shouldn't you be grieving over all those dead men?
Myron
You know it really hasn't hit me yet. I imagine sometime tomorrow I'll throw on a little Sarah McLachlan and
weep in the fetal position. But for now I just wanna be here with my close friends. Emma, Larry –
Charlie
Charlie.
Myron
Charlie. And you: our new friend, Kim. Would you mind closing that door, Larry? It's freezing outside.
Kim
Listen, Charlie. Kevin bought me for you for the whole night, so I can't leave. I'm all yours. And you can do
whatever you want to me, but between you and I, I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from my asshole.
Emma
Kim
Myron, could I have my Canadian anti-depressants now? I'm beginning to feel a downward spiral coming on.
Ooh what are you on? I take Celexa, Darvocet and the occasional Wellbutrin for smoking.
She lights a cigarette. Myron tosses a bottle of pills to Emma.
Emma
Mine don't really have a name. I'm an illegal alien, so I have to take what I can afford from our neighbor to the
north. These ones are just labeled ‘Happier’. I can't afford ‘Happiest’.
Kim
It's funny, I would never have guessed you were Mexican.
They all stare at her.
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Emma
Excuse me?
Kim
Your accent sounds so British like Madonna's or Gwyneth Paltrow. But you said you're an illegal alien, right? Aren't
you guys from Mexico?
No one's quite sure how to respond …
Emma
You know, I'm continually surprised by the quality of the American public school system.
Kim
Tell me about it. In my high school yearbook I was voted ‘Most Likely to be a Good Mother’. What kind of bullshit
is that? I can't even take care of my Sims. You know that video game? Well mine all died. I forgot to send those little
fuckers to work and so they had no money to buy food so they starved and died. I cried. I actually cried when my Sims
died. Those tiny bastards never had a chance.
Kim toasts the heavens and shoots her tequila. Myron joins her, then fills her glass with more tequila. Emma and Charlie stare.
Charlie
One can be an illegal alien from any country.
Myron
Or planet.
Charlie
Or planet, thanks. It just means you are in the country without permission from the government.
Kim
Emma
Kim
Myron
Kim
Myron
Kim
Well then how come when they talk about it on the news they only show pictures of Mexicans?
Well, they do seem to get caught a bit more often than the rest of us.
Maybe it's cause they're brown; easier to spot in a crowd. Racism, I guess.
You're so wise.
I'm going to college on the internet. (Beat.) I'm studying feelings.
I have those.
So if you're here illegally why don't you travel back to your homeland?
Emma
(flustered) Well I . . . left England …
Myron
Emma's an American trapped in a Brit's body. This is her home now.
Kim
Emma
Kim
(re: the house) It's so nice.
No, not this particular home. He meant the nation.
Oh. Got it. Well … welcome.
Charlie
Yes, well I'm very happy you've all made yourselves at home here, but maybe you could move this whole
shindig down to the firehouse. That could be fun, huh? Hey there's even a pole for you.
Emma
We're not leaving you alone.
Myron
I'm the one who's gonna have to come back and cut you down if you go through with it, so I might as well stay
here and enjoy this stunning view of Manhattan we've acquired.
Emma
Oh please, Myron, stop fawning; you're embarrassing yourself.
Myron
Jealousy's a horrible color on you Emma. It's obvious that Kim and I have a connection. Neither one of us is
gonna deny that.
Kim
You're so sweet.
Charlie
I guess I'm just gonna have to go and call the police then.
Myron
Or if you want I could just call them on my radio and have them take you over to the Ocean County psych ward.
That's what we're supposed to do …
Myron pours whiskey all around.
Kim
Why would you wanna be left alone, Charlie? Don't you like company? I'm relatively new at this, but you're the first
person to turn down my services. Do you prefer penises?
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Charlie
Kim
Charlie
No.
It's OK if you do.
I'm not gay.
Kim
Look I'm not dirty. I don't have any STD's or anything. I thought I had crabs once, but it turned out it was just
scabies.
Charlie
What are scabies?
Kim
They're like these tiny microscopic bugs that crawl under your skin and take tiny microscopic shits. Your skin is
allergic to their tiny shits, so you start to itch and get rashes all over.
Myron
The sun is slowly setting on my view.
Emma
So you caught this, the microscopic insect shit, you caught this from a customer.
Kim
Yes and no. He wanted to fuck me in a sandbox. Twisted guy. You wouldn't believe what he paid me to fuck him in
a sandbox in a playground down by the Irish Famine Memorial. Turns out that's where they love to live. That's why little
kids get scabies all the time.
Myron
Because they fuck in sandboxes?
Kim
No. Because they play in sandboxes. And that's where scabies like to live. So I go to the doctor and I'm like
‘What's with all these itchy bumps; do I have crabs?’ So he tells me to pull down my pants.
Myron
Kim
Myron
Kim
Emma
I shoulda gone to med-school.
He takes a really close look at my pussy … and says –
‘Houston, we have a problem . . .’
No. He says, ‘Don't worry, it's not crabs, it's just scabies.’
How do you kill scabies?
Kim
There's a lotion. You have to rub it all over your body and clean all your clothes and sheets. But I couldn't help but
feel really bad for the guy. I mean apparently scabies spread like wildfire.
Myron
I can confirm as a fireman that wildfires spread very quickly.
Charlie
He must have given it to his wife and kids.
Emma
Kim
Charlie
Well I'm sure the scabies were happy, they got to hitch a ride on those kids right back to the sandbox.
Anyway, the point is, Charlie . . .
Yes, what was the point?
Kim
The point is that I'm clean. Kevin has been very good to me and helped me out a lot, so I don't want to let him
down.
Charlie
How exactly has Kevin been good to you?
Suddenly the scrim panels slide in and cover the proscenium of the entire stage. A pre-shot video flickers to life on the scrim.
We are in Kevin O'Donnell's very expensive New York loft. Expensive art adorns the walls. Kevin and Kim have just finished
fucking.
Kevin O'Donnell
Kim
Fuck. Stupid condoms.
Kevin O'Donnell
Kim
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Oh my God, I just came in a prostitute. Do you have AIDS?! Please tell me you don't have AIDS!
OK calm down! I don't have AIDS.
Kevin O'Donnell
Kim
Oh fuck! Fuck!
Well you're on the pill right?
Hell no!
Kevin O'Donnell
Hell no? How could you say ‘hell, no'? You're a prostitute! It seems like a relatively important business
expenditure for someone who fucks strangers for money.
Kim
I just don't like to put weird chemicals in my body.
Kevin O'Donnell
You put strangers’ cocks inside your body?! How could you possibly draw the line at concentrated
estrogen?!
Kim
Those pills are so bad for you.
Kevin O'Donnell
Kim
You're not being very nice.
Kevin O'Donnell
Kim
You're just gonna have to take ‘the morning after pill’.
Maybe.
Kevin O'Donnell
Kim
And so is stranger-cock, but you don't seem to have a problem taking that!
No. No maybe! I just came inside of you. I cannot get you pregnant! My wife's already pregnant!
Will you help me pay for my demo?
Kevin O'Donnell
What?!
Kim
My music demo. Haven't you listened to me all day? I told you I'm trying to get my music career going and I need
a little extra cash to pay for a demo.
Kevin O'Donnell
Oh my God, you're blackmailing me? This is horrible. From orgasm to blackmail in less than thirty
seconds; that has to be a record.
Kim
I'm not blackmailing you. I'm just offering up a swap; demo for abortion.
Kevin O'Donnell
Kim
Well that depends on who you ask. Sarah Palin would probably say it's an abortion.
Kevin O'Donnell
Kim
It's not an abortion! How is it an abortion?! I just came ten seconds ago! Nothing's been fertilized!
Jesus Christ.
Just think of it as supporting the arts.
Kevin O'Donnell
Look around you; I already support the arts. My art dealer just talked me into spending a quarter
million dollars on some bullshit piece of African art. I threw it into my beach house. It's made up of hundreds of these
little beads. It looks like a homeless person's abacus. (Beat.) How much is a demo?
Kim
Fifty thousand will work.
Kevin O'Donnell
To sing into a microphone?! I'll buy you a fucking karaoke machine.
Kim
No! I need to work with this producer ‘DJ Cracker Hater’. I met him in Atlantic City and he really understands what
I'm going for.
Kevin O'Donnell
Kim
If he hates crackers, why does he want to work with you?
What the hell do I have to do with him not liking crackers? I'm not a fucking Pringle.
Kevin O'Donnell
‘Cracker’ is a derogatory name for white people. He hates white people.
Kim
He doesn't hate white people. That's just his alias. He's Jewish. I know cause I fucked him last shabbas. I remember
cause I had to turn the lights off; he's not allowed to operate a light switch on the sabbath.
Kevin O'Donnell
Kim
He can fuck a prostitute, but he can't touch a light switch?
Yeah. God wants him to rest I guess. Weird, huh? I'm tired too! Where's my fucking shabbas?
Kevin O'Donnell
Yes. Fine! Whatever. But I wanna watch you eat those pills.
Kim
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Oh yay! Kevin, thank you so much! I'm so happy you believe in me! Now I'm glad you shot your load in me; I'm
gonna be a star.
The clip ends. Lights up behind the scrim as the panels slide out.
Kim
He's been very supportive of my music career. I'm actually a singer/songwriter. I just do this to pay my rent. Kevin's
helping to produce my EP.
Myron
Do you mind if I ask … and please tell me if this is out of line, but how much does it cost to have the luxury of
your services?
Charlie
It is outta line. Don't answer that.
Kim
I'm very expensive. I mean no offense, but regular working guys such as yourself are often shocked at the price.
But I'm the top level. I mean I'm like the Prada of pussy.
They all squint their eyes to try and picture what that means …
Emma
Kim
Emma
What does that cost? How much did Kevin pay you for the night?
You're gonna gasp.
No we won't.
Charlie
Don't say it. We don't wanna know.
Myron
Oh yes we do!
Kim
Emma
Promise you won't freak out and drop your jaws.
We promise.
Charlie
You don't owe anyone here anything.
Myron
We're not judging you, we're just curious …
Kim
Emma
Charlie
Kim
Fifteen thousand.
Holy shit!
Myron
Unbelievable.
Are you serious?
But I'll do anything.
Myron
Sweetheart, I'll fuck a bear for fifteen thousand dollars. You can take a syringe full of scabies and shoot them into
my eyes for fifteen k. Fuck! How fucked up is our society?! Guys like Kevin O'Donnell up there on Wall Street are
dumping more money into whores …
Kim
Hey!
Myron
Sorry. ‘Escorts …’ than I make in six months protecting an entire island from going up in flames. And you know
what really kills me? Who bailed them out? Who the fuck bailed them out when they were drowning up to their
Bluetooth earpieces in bad loans and debt. Me. The regular working guys you're talking about. They took my money
and gave it to the Kevin O'Donnells of the world, so they could fuck whores and produce whore records.
Kim
Emma
Hey.
Myron.
Myron
And you know, technically … the thing is … I mean if you really wanna zoom out; in the macro of this situation, I
have personally paid for a fraction of tonight's services. And I would like to redeem my portion now. What do you say,
Charlie?
Charlie
He paid you fifteen thousand dollars to sleep with me?
Kim
Yes. But look how cute I am. And I came all the way down here to Long Beach Island. And you can do whatever
you want to me …
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Emma
Kim
Except for your asshole …
Yeah, except for my asshole.
Myron
I have a similar policy.
Charlie
Look, it was a nice thing for Kevin to do. He gave me the finest thing he could afford to cheer me up.
Emma
Charlie
A fuck? Is that the finest thing a rich man can afford?
No. He sent me some company. He rented me some friendship.
Kim
Totes. We have this thing called GFE. It stands for ‘the girlfriend experience’. One guy I never even slept with, he
just wanted to cuddle. I hugged the guy for a week and made like fifty thousand dollars.
Myron
Kim
Could I have his number?
No.
Myron
I will hug the shit out of that guy. I will literally hug him until he shits the bed from too much hugging.
Charlie
God, people will do anything to avoid being alone.
Emma
You wanna be alone.
Charlie
I do now, but not … before. Before I would do anything I could to avoid being alone. I'd scroll through my
phone looking for someone to text. In line for coffee, in the car; I always had to be talking or texting someone …
Emma
Charlie
Are you lonely, Charlie?
Of course I'm lonely.
Emma
Then why are you trying so hard to get rid of us? Isn't this what you want? You're lonely and here you are
surrounded by other people.
Kim
Charlie
Emma
Kim
Maybe it's like being bone-tired. You feel bone-lonesome.
(a small smile) Hmm. I suppose; that's a good way to put it.
Is that why you wanna kill yourself?
Excuse me, what?
Myron
Oh yeah. We forgot to tell you about that. We all got a little caught up in the excitement of your arrival and the
microscopic bugs taking shits under your skin. By the way, he also claims he's murdered a bunch of people.
Kim
Charlie
Kim
Charlie
Emma
Kim
Emma
You're a murderer? Oh my God, we need to make a citizen's arrest.
Kim, wait. No you don't.
Don't worry; I've got handcuffs in my purse.
Kim.
We can't arrest him; Charlie's a hero who's flown hundreds of sorties to Iraq.
Why would a sorority wanna go to Iraq?
Sorties not sororities. Missions. When I found him earlier he was on that chair with that noose around his neck.
Kim
Emma
Oh my God there's a noose! He's gonna lynch us. We gotta get outta here!
Careful!
Kim races towards the door, but slips violently on the African beads on the floor.
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Kim
Ow!!!!! Fuck!
Myron
Somebody should really sweep up those beads.
Emma
Are you OK?
Kim
Myron
He's got this place booby-trapped like Home Alone!
Thank you!
Myron and Emma race to help her up. She limps on her ankle over to a chair.
Emma
Kim
Charlie
Kim
Oh my God. We had an incident with a faulty piece of culture. I'll get you some ice.
No it's OK; my drink didn't spill. (Beat.) Please don't lynch us! We won't tell anyone you're gay.
I'm not gay.
That's exactly what we'll say.
Charlie
It was an accident!
Myron
An accident! Now we're getting somewhere.
Kim
Charlie
Kim
Charlie
Were you the one who started the fire?
There was no fire. This guy's lying, he's probably not even a fireman.
Wait a minute, I'm confused.
Shocking.
They hear a lound siren out front.
Kim
Oh thank God, the cops.
Charlie
(to Myron) You called the police?!
Myron
No, that's our cocaine! Be right back.
Myron exits through the front door.
Emma
Kim
Emma
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
Emma
Kim, I think you can relax about Charlie trying to hurt you. The noose is for him.
What?! Why would you want to hang yourself on your birthday?
Is it your birthday, Charlie?
Yes.
How old are you?
Thirty-five.
Happy birthday! Drinks all around!
Emma crosses to the bar to grab the whiskey. She fills both of their glasses.
Kim
Emma
But isn't he a murderer?
We haven't exactly got the details yet. Myron's says he's lying. Myron thinks Charlie's made up the story to
impress me.
Kim
Emma
Charlie
That's so romantic. I hope you're lying; it's your birthday. You should be celebrating.
That's a great idea. We should throw you a party.
Please don't.
Emma
Look, if you've really got your heart set on doing it tonight, then do it later when we've all left. You might as well
spend your last night alive celebrating the day you were born.
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Charlie
Kim
That doesn't make any sense.
Why not?
Charlie
Why would I wanna celebrate the day I was born? If I'm really gonna kill myself wouldn't it make more sense to
celebrate the day I finally get to die?
Myron opens the door holding a bag of coke in one hand and a snowball in the other.
Myron
Kim
Myron
I've got New Jersey snow and Colombian snow. Which one do you want me to bring in the house?
Colombian! Colombian!
Colombian it is!
Myron tosses the snowball outside.
Kim
Oh, thank God!
Emma
Myron, it's Charlie's birthday.
Myron
Killing yourself on your birthday? That's morbid. Who wants some Cheetos?
Emma
Oooh, yes please. And I'll take some of that nitrous-oxide as well. It'll help me add a whole other dimension to
Charlie's party. Please tell me you got balloons.
Myron produces two empty balloons.
Emma
There they are. We need a theme. And I'm choosing birthday, Charlie: it's far less twisted and weird. I'm
guessing you don't believe in the afterlife?
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
Nope, just purgatory.
So this is it, then … soul shuts off like a light switch?
That would be the goal.
Emma
Well we might be able to get away with a death-day party if you believed in the afterlife. I mean if you had like
seventy-two virgins waiting for you on the other side and all that, maybe we'd have something to toast …
Myron begins to cut up lines of coke on the coffee table. Kim kneels next to him, eager for a turn.
Kim
Who gets seventy-two virgins?
Myron
Some Muslims believe that if you die as a martyr, you get to have seventy-two virgins as a ‘thank you’ present
when you get to Heaven.
Kim
I mean I guess that's nice and all. But virgins aren't very experienced are they? I'd much rather have like twenty
ridiculously good lovers as my present. Or I guess if they were Latino I'd probably only need ten.
Kim does a line of coke.
Charlie
Kim
Myron
Kim
Are you planning on dying as a martyr?
Maybe; what's a martyr?
A martyr is someone who dies for their religious beliefs.
Oh, then nevermind. I'm Catholic; I don't think we get virgins. But if we do, I'd really like to know ahead of time. I
hate surprises. It's like when I'm on the phone with a client; I always like to know going in what he wants. That way I have
the upper hand when he tries to surprise me with something like asking me to piss on him.
Emma
People pay you to piss on them?
Kim
All the time. A lot of politicians actually; it's like their thing. If I just piss on them while they beat off they don't feel
like they cheated on their wives and then they won't really be lying to the voters when they say they love family values
and all the other values that those guys have to make sure they love.
Emma
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Kim
God, people are so twisted aren't they?
What do you mean?
Emma
Sweetheart, if someone's got the money … they can own you and do whatever they want to you. And I'm sorry,
but that just makes me sad. In fact, the only thing that makes me sadder than that … is how busy you probably are …
Kim
Jeez, you make it sound so horrible. I think some people are just kinky fucks who ended up in a society where
they're not allowed to be as twisted as they want to be. So they hold down all the things they lust for as much as they
can, but sometimes it's just too hard. Did you ever see that movie The Ten Commandments with the guy who loves guns
as Moses?
Myron
Charlton Heston.
Kim
Right. Well we had to watch that movie every Easter at my house. And when the guy who loves guns goes up to
get the ten commandments, there's like this major fun party going on at the bottom of Mount Sinus. People are drinking
and screwing and dancing. It's like a fucking rave. To me as a kid, it always looked like so much fun. Maybe God didn't
fully understand what he created. I know with my Sims for example, they got super into playing darts. I had nothing to
do with that; I fucking hate darts. But I created them and then they got into their own thing. Maybe we're really
supposed to be free and crazy and sometimes a little twisted. Charlton Moses shouldn't have been so mad just 'cause
they wanted to party.
Charlie
Kim
He was mad that they were worshiping an idol.
What?
Charlie
The party you didn't want to end was to worship a statue of a cow. Moses comes down from the mountain and
he's so pissed that they're all worshiping this cow statue, that he drops the commandments and kills the 3,000 people at
your party. It's kind of funny actually; the poor guy's exhausted; he's been sleeping on the side of a cliff for forty days
and he's all ready to tell everybody, ‘Hey guys, this just in: thou shalt not kill.’ But he gets so pissed off about the
worshiping of the idol that he brutally slaughters 3,000 people in the name of the very God that had just told him not to.
Kim
Buzzkill.
Emma
Charlie
Bible scholar?
Hebrew school. Most of the kids stuck to the coloring book version; I actually read the damn thing. God has a
temper.
Emma
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
For someone who doesn't particularly like God, you certainly know a lot about him.
God, the character in the book, is vengeful and angry.
Do you ever talk to God, Charlie?
I'm tired of this. I'm gonna go upstairs.
Myron
No you're not. We're not letting you out of our sight. We've been good to you. We've kept you outta the
padded room. I think you owe us an explanation.
Charlie
I don't owe you anything! I don't even know who the fuck you people are! As far as I can tell you're just a sad
bunch of drug addicts, who refuse to leave me alone!
Myron
What kind of people would we be if we let you kill yourself?! And don't you think it's odd that you chose one of
the most desolate places on the eastern seaboard to end your life and within seconds of you standing on that chair,
there was someone knocking on the door to stop you.
Charlie
It was a coincidence; not divine intervention!
Myron
And then me and then Kim. Open your fucking eyes, man! We're here!
With a sound cue, scrim panels slide in and cover the entire stage. A pre-shot video is projected on the front of the scrim.
Myron sits across the desk from Ramona, a school principal.
Ramona
I got a call this morning, Myron, from an angry parent. Not unusual. In my position, someone's always upset.
What I'm not used to, is this particular complaint. Do you have a Facebook account, Myron?
Myron
I do. (Beat.) I use it to keep track of all my kids. I think it's very useful to see what they're all up to? Keep an eye
on them, if you will.
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Ramona
Uh huh. And did you use this … social networking … device to contact some of your students; to ask them
about a cast party?
Myron
Hmmm. You know I don't really recall.
Ramona
Well, let me help you jog your memory. Did you attend a cast party at Ryan Freedman's house in which over
sixty-five of our students were drinking and consuming narcotics?
Myron
Ryan Freedman. He's the adopted Filipino kid who plays the mascot?
Ramona
Myron
Yes, Ryan plays ‘Scalpy the Native American’ for the football team.
I thought the school board was gonna change his name to something more P.C. than ‘Scalpy the Indian’.
Ramona
Don't change the subject, Myron; you know very well I fielded all those complaints and negotiated with the
alumni and that's why we've renamed him ‘Scalpy the Native American’.
Myron
Yes, but he's still a scalper. I mean he's still running around with a plastic sickle trying to scalp the other teams’
mascots …
Ramona
Myron. Are these not pictures on Facebook of you snorting a line of cocaine with members of the student
body?
Myron looks at Ramona's computer screen. We see a close-up of a photo of him snorting lines with a student in a ‘Scalpy’
mascot costume.
Myron
I'm not gonna lie. That guy does look a lot like me; a really fucked-up version of me. But I have a common look.
No one's ever told me I look like the same celebrity. I get everything from Iggy Pop to Morgan Freeman. Are there any
other angles?
She clicks through multiple pictures of him doing drugs with students.
Ramona
You're on fucking Facebook snorting cocaine with your students! Are you out of your mind?! Are you an insane
person?
Myron thinks.
Myron
They're happy. It's nice to be around them. Everyone my age is so miserable. I mean have you ever sat in the
teachers’ lounge? A conversation about anything instantaneously devolves into complaining about everything. (Beat.)
When I was in college, people used to cheer when I walked into the room. We belly laughed. We were silly. I miss that.
These kids are my friends. (Beat.) What a shame.
Ramona
You should have bought a cat. You're fired.
Lights up behind the scrim panels as they slide out.
Emma
OK, everybody take a deep breath. Myron, you taught drama for ten years. Can't you put on some type of show
or something. Provide some bloody entertainment for Charlie's party.
Kim
Myron
Dance like Usher!
I'm not a fucking court jester. I'm a public servant. I need to retain my dignity.
Myron snorts a line of coke.
Emma
But it might be nice for Charlie's birthday party if you could quote something beautiful; something that might
remind him of the sanctity of life etcetera.
Myron
The ‘sanctity of life etcetera’? Let me see what I have stored on that subject …
Charlie
That's okay. I'm alright.
Myron
What's your pleasure, birthday boy? Molière, Stoppard, Pinter?
Charlie
Please don't do me any favors.
Myron
It would be my honor to perform for the king of the castle. What is your pleasure, good sir?
Kim
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Emma
Come on, Charlie.
Come on, don't be shy.
Charlie
(beat) In high school we put on a production of The Merchant of Venice.
Myron
Elizabethan anti-Semitism; that's light and fun. Who did you play?
Charlie
I didn't. I was on the lighting crew. My job was to keep a spotlight focused on this handicapped kid that was
playing … what's the main character's name? Sherlock?
Myron
Yes, Sherlock, part-time money-lender, part-time Jewish detective. (Beat.) Shylock.
Charlie
Yeah well whatever. I remember being so moved by the balls of this kid rolling around the stage in his electric
wheelchair saying this poetry about how he was human too. I mean I know the lines were about a Jewish guy and
everything, but night after night, I followed him with this spotlight as he rolled around the stage, and I got tears in my
eyes every time. For him it was about being this totally normal person who was like … trapped in this costume of a freak;
trying to use the poetry to scream out at the world like ‘I'm human too … I'm in here … Can you hear me?’ you know?
Emma
Give us a little Shylock, Myron. It's his birthday. Show us what you've got.
Myron
It's been a very long time.
Emma
Just a lil sampler … A Shylock sampler platter …
Kim
Myron
Kim
Myron
Kim
Myron
Yes, please! For Charlie … I'll make it worth your while!
Elaborate my dear.
You can feel my tits.
Under the bra.
Bra? Who wears bras? What is this, a wedding?
Done and done. Here, Charlie; focus your spotlight on this …
He hands Charlie a flashlight from his belt. Emma dims the lights. Charlie shines the light on Myron, casting a giant distorted
shadow of him on the back wall.
Myron
(he does the following quite well) Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses,
affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the
same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as a Christian is? If you prick us do we not bleed? If
you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?
He takes a bow as the three of them applaud. Emma returns the lights to normal.
Emma
Kim
Bravo.
That was so beautiful.
Myron
I still got it. Not much demand for Billy Shakes down at the firehouse. My prize?
Emma
You don't have to let him …
Kim
It's OK, Emma, I'm a woman of my word. Just don't go crazy.
Kim stands in front of Myron. Myron puts his hands up her shirt and grabs her breasts.
Myron
Dear God.
Kim
Myron
Kim
Myron
Kim
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Myron
Kim
Your hands are cold.
Sweetheart, shhh; I'm on the phone with God. So this is what perfect breasts feel like. I've always wondered.
They're real too.
Of course they are. Hello, new friends.
Hey, Emma; I was thinking.
Wait, don't think just yet. (To the sky.) Dear Jesus …
Oh please don't call him; we haven't spoken in years.
She removes his hands.
Myron
I'll never wash my hands again.
Emma
Well you've never washed them before.
Kim
I was thinking; we could do a whole talent show for Charlie's birthday. Everyone'll do what they're good at; I can
sing you one of my songs …
Emma
And I'll smoke weed and eat lots of pills. It's a wonderful idea. This is gonna be perfect. We need to make it
more festive, though. I'm gonna take this box of nitrous and search around the house and see if I can find some
decorations and presents.
Kim
I can help! I love snooping through my clients’ houses when they're asleep. That's how I got this Rolex.
Emma and Kim climb the stairs. Myron lights a cigarette. They stand there awkwardly for a long beat.
Charlie
You taught high school drama for ten years?
Myron
Yes.
Charlie
I guess that's why you're so smart, huh?
Myron
I prefer clever.
Charlie
You've always got some obnoxious quip just … ready to go, huh?
Myron
You know those people who just enjoy fucking with people?
Charlie
I do.
Myron
I'm one of those people.
Charlie
I can tell.
Myron
Why did you make up that story about being a fighter pilot?
Charlie
What are you talking about?
Myron
Why are you exerting so much energy lying to us about who you are and what you've done?
Charlie
Why are you so positive I'm lying?
Myron
You said you flew the F-22 Raptor . . .
Charlie
Yes.
Myron
In Iraq and Afghanistan?
Charlie
Yes.
Myron
The Military Channel just did a story about how they aren't using the F-22 Raptor in the Middle East. The
technology is so advanced and top-secret, that the chance of one being downed behind enemy lines isn't worth the risk.
So even though it's the most advanced war machine man has ever made, and cost 100 million dollars each to produce, it
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isn't fighting in either of our two wars. There's a few hundred of them sitting on a tarmac somewhere just waiting for
China to ask for their loans back.
Silence.
You just phoned in a bad lie … (Beat.) Why?
Charlie
What does it matter?
Myron
I'm just curious.
Charlie
Isn't it obvious? I wanted to seem a bit more than I am …
Myron
Yes, but why? Why would a suicidal man care so much about what people thought of him? Why do you care?
You're gonna be dead. It's like a drowning man wanting the lifeguards to know he's a good swimmer.
The sound of laughter as Emma and Kim cross from one side of the upstairs bridge to the other. Kim picks up a small statue of
a man.
Kim
This little man should come with us!
She carries it out. Myron waits until they are gone.
Myron
Did you leave a note?
Charlie
No.
Myron
Why not? Don't the people that love you deserve an explanation? Although I'll bet it's the rare occasion where
someone reads a suicide note and says, ‘Fuck. You know, I was skeptical when I started this thing, but I have to say he
made the right call on this one. His life was pretty fucked.’
Charlie
It's a long story. Not sure it would fit in a note.
Myron
I mean I can understand that you're depressed maybe, but not why you wanna off yourself. And why hanging? If
I ever killed myself it would be in a much more civil manner: the car in the garage thing. Throw on a little Cat Stevens
and fall right to sleep. Hanging is so … violent.
Charlie
Good to know. Next time I'll make sure to do it in a way that's less upsetting to you.
Myron
Gimme a little something. Gimme a piece of the truth and I'll leave you alone.
Charlie is silent for a beat.
Charlie
You know this Irish … like Riverdance music?
Charlie puts the record on for a few seconds. Then turns it off.
Myron
Yeah.
Charlie
I fucking hate that music.
Myron smiles.
Charlie
And I was dating this girl. And she just loved it. She would dance around the house to it in her underwear doing
all these made-up little ‘jigs’. It was so funny cause she knew I hated it, but she could always make me laugh with her
funny little made-up dance moves. (Beat.) She was so beautiful and sweet and put up with me being … a little less than
fun. But she wanted to do stuff and travel and you know … see the world like young, pretty girls do . . . and should. And
I … couldn't do that. So … she hung in there as long as she could, but … eventually, she had enough. And the last time I
saw her we were standing in my driveway and she handed me that record of Irish folk music.
He smiles.
Myron
And you're not a fighter pilot.
Charlie
No. I'm not. That just sounded exciting.
Myron
What are you then? Lemme guess: a motivational speaker.
Charlie
I'm an air traffic controller. I was an air traffic controller.
The scrim panels slide in. The pre-shot video is projected on the scrim. We see a close-up of the radar screen. The camera
reveals Charlie looking off distracted. We hear the sound effects of an air traffic controller office.
As real-life Charlie speaks, he crosses in front of the scrim. The imagery in the film is projected on top of him and the scrim.
Myron is picked out the whole time with a light special behind (or beside) the scrim.
Charlie
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(actor) Normally I handled the busiest section of the approach into Newark, JFK and Laguardia. I mean this is
like the craziest airspace in the entire country. But my supervisor knew it had been a particularly rough week for me, so
he'd put me on a sector further south in the middle of the state that was less busy. And one day, as I'm staring off into
space, I got distracted by these two ants on my console.
We see a close-up of the two ants.
They were fighting over a tiny crumb from the Pop-Tart I had eaten for breakfast. It was the strangest thing. It
was like I went into a trance. All I could see were these two little insects, fighting over something that was so important
to them; so crucial to their survival. But they couldn't see it from my perspective. But I could see with such clarity that
that Pop-Tart crumb meant absolutely nothing. And then I thought well, if there is a God, that's probably how he feels
when he looks down at me. He's probably cracking himself up watching me wrestle myself over nothing. And so for the
first time in my life, I felt this odd connection to God. And so I thought I should pray. So I closed my eyes and I prayed. I
prayed for him to help me see how I was being just as ridiculous as those two stupid ants.
Charlie
Charlie walks in front of the imagery, it's projected on his face and body. In unison with his projected self in the flashback, they
say the following prayer …
Charlie/Flashback Charlie ‘God? I'm here. I need help. And I know I'm not starving, I'm not fighting in a war, I'm not sick,
but I'm stuck in this pit. Can you help me? Can you pull me out? Can you save me with a sign?’
Pilot 1
(on radio) New York Approach, Gulfstream 34AD, we're getting a TCAS warning, but we're in complete IMC,
please advise about traffic at our two o'clock!
Pilot 2
(on radio) New York Approach, this is Cirrus PD1, we've got the same warning at our seven! Is it an error? He's at
our altitude; it looks like this guy's headed right for us!!
A supervisor comes over.
Supervisor
Holy shit. 34AD, turn to heading 270! Cirrus climb at best rate now! Charlie, what the fuck are you doing??!!
The imagery of the two planes on the radar screen hit and then disappear. Screaming and mayhem on the radio echoes!!! Lights
up behind scrim. The scrim panels slide out.
Myron
(putting it all together) The six people. I remember it on the news.
Charlie
Five died on impact. One of the planes actually had a parachute that deployed. The mother of the family lived
through the night. (Beat.) The inquiry ruled it an accident. They suspended me for a hundred days. A hundred days! It
works out to 16.6 days per life. I just don't think that's enough …
Myron
So you sentenced yourself to death . . . (Beat.) Whatever happened to those ants?
Charlie
They gave up and left that crumb behind. I actually kept it in my wallet. Wanna see?
Myron
Sure …
Charlie pulls a tiny piece of folded tin foil out of his wallet and unfolds it on the coffee table revealing a tiny crumb. He and
Myron sit there staring at it.
Emma and Kim reenter from upstairs. Emma has Christmas lights and a giant red exercise ball. Kim has a ukulele.
Emma
Well we didn't find much in terms of decorations, but I found these Christmas lights and this exercise ball. Here,
Charlie, this is from all of us.
She throws the big ball to Charlie. He catches it.
Kim
Charlie, I've got good news: I found this ukulele. I'm gonna play you a song.
She notices Myron staring at the crumb.
Kim
Myron
What are you looking at?
A Pop-Tart crumb.
Kim
I love Pop-Tarts.
Emma
Are you that hungry? Order a fucking pizza.
Myron
Don't eat it, it's a memento of Charlie's.
Emma
Myron help me string these up.
He doesn't move.
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Emma
Myron? Snap out of it. Help me string these around a little.
He helps her string the lights around the room. Emma dims the room lights, making it more cozy.
Kim cuts a line of coke on the table next to the Pop-Tart crumb.
Kim
I'm so excited I found this ukulele, cause now I can play you a song. I have to decide if I'm gonna play you one of
mine, or one of somebody else's. I mean most of mine are sad little love songs. But you guys seem more like an indierock, Brooklyn kinda crowd …
She snorts a line of coke.
Kim
Oh fuck!
Emma
Kim
What?
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Emma
Kim
What?
Charlie I'm so sorry, but I think I may have just accidentally snorted your special Pop-Tart crumb.
Myron
Are you fucking kidding me?!
Kim
It was an accident, I was talking and snorting at the same time and I wasn't paying attention. Don't worry, I can
vomit it up.
She sticks her fingers down her throat. And begins to gag.
Myron
No.
Emma
No!
They stop her.
Kim
Myron
Kim
Myron
Kim
Relax! I do it all the time. You think this body's from going to the gym?
What is wrong with you?
I'm sorry, I got distracted.
And anyway stay away from my coke; you're like a fucking Dustbuster.
I feel awful. It was important to him. If someone snorted my hamster ‘Chanel’, I'd be so upset!
Myron
You're a fucking idiot.
Emma
Myron, relax. It's a crumb.
Myron
You don't know the full context, Emma.
Emma
Lemme go out on a limb here: the full context was the full Pop-Tart?
Charlie laughs. They all stare at him.
Myron
Why are you smiling?
Charlie
(smiling) Emma's right.
Beat.
It was a crumb. It doesn't matter. It was just a crumb.
Kim starts to tune the ukulele. Her tuning of the uke scores the next section of the play. Myron sits solemnly in the corner.
Emma lights a joint and sits down next to Charlie.
Emma
It's nice to see you smile, Charlie. My Dad could always make me smile like that with his jokes. I haven't been
able to talk to him for a while. I miss him quite a bit.
Charlie
Emma
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Charlie
Emma
Charlie
Emma
Charlie
I know a joke.
You do? Well let's have it.
God, I haven't told a joke in a long time.
Well go for it. No judgements . . .
What's the last thing you wanna hear right after you have sex with Willy Nelson?
What?
‘I'm not Willy Nelson.’
Emma and Kim laugh. Charlie smiles. Emma puts her arm Charlie. She passes him the joint. He smokes it. Myron looks on
possessively.
Emma
You know you really are cute. When I first saw you hanging there I didn't notice. But you really are. If you don't
go through with it, maybe we could go out sometime. And then one day we could fall in love and have a zillion little
babies together. And every single one of them will have big, beautiful, blue passports. That's what we all want isn't it?
Charlie
Passports?
Emma
No. Someone to love. And it's such a fleeting thing to pin all of our happiness on isn't it? It's like trying to build a
house of cards on the back of a squirrel.
Myron
You've got a lot of nerve, Emma.
Emma
Excuse me?
Myron
Doing this right in front of me when you know how I feel about you?
Emma
Oh please don't start this now. We're all having such a good time.
Myron
You know what, just be honest with me for once and for all: why am I not worthy of your love?
Emma
You are worthy of my friendship, Myron. I enjoy you. I appreciate you. But for the last time, I cannot love you.
Myron
Do you think I'm ugly?
Emma
No, not at all.
Myron
I make you laugh, I loan you money, I hold you when you cry, I …
Emma
There's no recipe for love. You don't just go ‘this plus this plus this equals love’; it doesn't work like that. It's
there or it's not. Is that the only reason you're nice to me? To win me over?
Myron
I'm nice to you because I am completely in love with you. And I might just be the only person who will ever love
you. (Beat.) You're damaged goods.
Emma
Maybe you're right, maybe you are the only person in the world who will ever love me. That would be sad, but
maybe that's just what I've been dealt. But I do not love you. And will not. You need to let it go. So for the last time:
move on! (Beat.) Now, I think we should all go around the room and each say something nice about Charlie on his
special day. I'll go first. Raise your glasses.
Only Emma and Kim raise their glasses.
Emma
To Charlie, what can I say? As long as I've known you, you've had your ups and you've had your downs. I can tell
you that this night has become a hell of a lot more fun than it ever would have been if it was just another night of me
and old Myron drinking down at the firehouse. So I guess what I'm saying is, I'm so glad you came down here to Long
Beach Island to kill yourself so that I could stop you long enough to tell you that you seem like a very lovely boy. And I
can sense that you're very kind … even though you may or may not have killed some people … we all have our faults. I,
for instance, am a sucker for chocolate. Anyway, that's it. Happy birthday. Kim?
Kim
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Well, when I first saw you I was really looking forward to fucking you because a lot of the guys that I have to sleep
with look like Larry King. But you're really cute. Plus I love soldiers, let alone a fighter pilot, that would be so hot to sleep
with you and pretend I'm an Iraqi farmer and you got shot down behind enemy lines and I take you to like my barn or
whatever and blow you till you're strong enough to fly us both away to one of those islands with over-water huts.
Anyway … coke makes me horny, so I hope you change your mind. Amen.
Charlie
Amen.
Emma
Myron?
Myron does another line of coke.
Emma
Myron, stop sulking. You're being a big baby. Come on! A toast.
Myron
To Charlie … the first fighter pilot I've ever met. You're a brave soul, my friend. May you live long enough to
realize that you matter. May your neck remain untangled, your feet gravity-bound to our imperfect planet long enough
to discover that you are not alone. For even in your lonesome existence, there is love, there is compassion, there is a
genuine desire on behalf of these kind strangers to see you discover something that makes your life worth living.
Charlie.
Emma
Kim
Charlie
Emma
That was so beautiful.
Wow, that was pretty.
Thank you.
Cheers.
Myron drinks his full drink.
Myron
Now … I think we should all go around the room and tell Charlie about the darkest moment in our own lives, so
he won't feel so alone in his sadness. Emma, why don't you go first? Why don't you tell Charlie the reason you can't go
back to London?
Emma stares daggers at Myron.
Emma
What are you doing?
Myron
I just think he might benefit from your story.
Emma
How dare you? Are you that fucked up? Are you really that fucking pissed that you're gonna break my trust in
you?
Myron
We've all got our skeletons. I just think if you really wanna help Charlie as much as you've advertised, you might
consider sharing some of your own pain.
Charlie
I really don't want to know.
Emma
You're doing this because I won't marry you. You know how badly I need to stay in this country, but even that's
not enough to feign a marriage to you; because you're disgusting.
Myron
We don't have anything but an exercise ball to give you for your birthday, Charlie. So I thought we might give
you the gift of knowing that you're not alone. Emma claims to wanna save your life. Well if she really wants to help you, I
think she should share a piece of her life. Something that happened to her …
Charlie
I don't need anything for my birthday.
Emma
I am not a fucking exhibit! You know you really are a fucking asshole, Myron. You really are. You're a selfish, selfserving alcoholic! How about that? Why don't you tell Charlie some of your secrets? Give him that present. Maybe you
could tell him the real reason you were fired from that high school? Why don't you be his friend and share your
miserable fucking life.
Myron
OK, I'll go first. I was fired from being a teacher for doing drugs with my kids at a high school cast party. Emma,
your turn.
Emma
Charlie
Why are you doing this? Don't do it for me.
Myron
Well, if you're not gonna tell them, I guess I'll have to …
Kim
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I don't want a turn.
Myron back the fuck off!
Emma
Why are you doing this to me?
Myron
For Charlie; it's his present . . .
Charlie
I don't want a present, Myron.
Myron
Charlie, Emma left England …
Emma
You gave me your word. You swore on your life.
Myron
Emma left England because …
Charlie
Stop it! Don't say another fucking word.
Myron
Emma left England …
Emma
Fine I'll say it. I left because I was raped. OK. I was raped by a piece of shit like you.
Kim
Just leave her alone!
Myron
But that's not the whole story is it, Emma?
Emma
Myron, I'm begging you.
Myron
There's an epilogue.
Emma
I can love you, I'm sorry, I promise I will love you.
Myron
Her rapist was about to get out for good behavior. So jolly old Emma had him killed. They found him in the
prison yard with a sharpened toothbrush handle in his heart.
Beat.
Ta-da! We all have pain, Charlie.
Myron violently pulls down the noose from where it is attached to the ceiling. Charlie rushes over to stop him. The cord brings
down a chunk of ceiling with it, leaving a small hole in the roof. For a moment they all stare at it as the dust settles.
Kim
Oh, my God. You put a hole in the roof. Kevin's gonna be sooooo pissed.
Myron
You know all my favorite movies end with a twist, Charlie. Maybe your twist is that you found something to live
for on your thirty-fifth birthday moments before you were about to kill yourself, you found some company. Wouldn't that
be a twist?
Myron exits.
Charlie
Everything's gonna be OK.
Is it? (Beat.) America, the Beautiful … Amber waves of grain and all that. (Sings.) God shed his grace on thee …
When's God gonna shed his grace on me, Charlie? When's that gonna happen? Because it's been a really long time
since anyone's told me that everything was gonna be OK and I was able to believe them.
Emma
Charlie crosses to her. She looks up at him.
Charlie
Well what if it's just for tonight? (Beat.) What if we say: just for tonight … everything's gonna be OK?
A few beats of silence.
Kim
You know I used to work at this phone sex place. And there was this awesome old black woman who went by the
name, Sensation. She was amazing; she could keep those horny bastards on the phone longer than any of us. Anyway
one day I was crying in one of the bathroom stalls about something and I'm in a super bad mood and feeling sorry for
myself and all of a sudden, Sensation opens the door to the stall and she says, ‘Hey, Princess . . .’ I went by Princess back
then. ‘Hey, Princess,’ she says, ‘in a hundred years, there'll be all new people.’ And I swear I think about that almost
everyday. (Beat.) I never got to give you my present, birthday boy. It was my turn, but the roof fell in. I'm gonna play you
one of my songs. It's one of my new ones.
Kim sits on the couch with her ukulele. Myron watches through the windows as he smokes on the front porch.
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Kim
(sings)
When there's nothing I can say to make things better
I sling my arm around your shoulder like a sweater
Try to bear some of the burden that you're wearing
But I can't seem to lift you
A very light snow begins to fall through the hole in the roof that Myron created when he ripped down the noose.
We'll rally, rally
We'll rally around you
We'll rally, rally around you
Myron stares at them through the window.
Kim
Charlie
Emma
It's snowing. It's snowing in the house.
You know I didn't write a suicide note … because I had no one to write it to.
It's nice isn't it, Charlie … it's nice to be with friends on your birthday.
Blackout.
The song ‘The Buzzards of Bourbon Street’ by Gaelic Storm (or something like it) returns at full volume.
Copyright © 2012 Zach Braff
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