Annie Openshaw
My Living Christ
I’ve had a note in my phone for the past 2 years that contains 258 scriptures I love about
Christ. It is my refuge. It is where I go to when I’m in bed at two A.M. crying myself to sleep,
sitting on the floor stressed out about a number of things, feeling like God isn’t answering my
prayers, questioning my life decisions, and just about every depressing emotion that a human
could experience. This paper would never end if I shared all of them, but I’m not going to do that
to you; nor am I going to do that to myself, so here are some of my favorites.
We all need a good reminder that life is going to work out for our good, and this scripture
does it perfectly in my opinion. Doctrine and Covenants 19:1 states, “I am Alpha and Omega,
Christ the Lord; yea, even I am he, the beginning and the end, the Redeemer of the world.”
Christ is greater than our biggest problems, even the ones that leave us crying ourselves to sleep
at two A.M. There is the saying I like to remember when I’m stressing myself out, going along
the lines of: “Christ never sleeps nor slumbers, so there’s no use in both of you staying awake.”
Christ knows the end from the beginning–doesn’t matter if it’s your life we’re talking about or
the world itself.
Another scripture that has hit home is John 11:35. The shortest verse in all of scripture:
“Jesus wept.” This verse is so striking to me because Jesus knows that he is going to raise
Lazarus from the dead, yet he sits with Mary and Martha and mourns with them. If a
non-member came up to me and asked what my version of Jesus is, I would show them this
scripture. These two words alone show the loveliness of His character, and I feel like I know who
He is when I read them.
While Christ performed many miracles, there is also the miracle of Him weeping and
spending time with us. It is there that I have come to know God and what He thinks about me.
Christ will meet you in your infirmities, but we must be willing to come to Him. Christ always
knows where we are, but do we always know where He is? I know that this is something I
struggle with, and at least for me, I fail to recognize what a miracle it is to have a God that is
willing to weep with me.
We often forget that Jesus was just like us when he was on the earth, and we are afraid to
approach Him because we know the divine nature he had in the past and still does today. But like
us, he experienced what it was like to be human. He experienced feelings, emotions, and
temptations good and bad of every kind. Because Christ, our Savior and the Creator of the
universe and everything in it, wept with others, shows that Christ will weep with us. Because He
did this with Mary and Martha thousands of years ago, why should we think that He won’t do it
with us now? Let us not forget 2 Nephi 27, “For behold, I am God; and I am a God of miracles;
and I will show unto the world that I am the same yesterday, today, and forever.”
Throughout my life, especially while in my college days, Matthew 11:28-30 has brought
me much comfort in unprecedented times such as right now. “Come unto me, all ye that labour
and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am
meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my
burden is light.” This scripture reminds me to give my worries to the Lord, which is something
my stubbornness has a hard time letting go of (and I blame my red hair for it). But I had always
been confused about what Christ meant by a yoke.
Recently, I read a talk that helped lead to some clarity on the topic, titled “Are You All
the Way In?” by Carolyn Billings, Director of Sports Medicine at BYU. She explains that the
yoke was a tool to help those who worked in the fields. It permitted the strength of one animal to
be connected to another, resulting in the weight being made lighter. Christ’s promise to us is that
when we are yoked with Him, he won’t necessarily take our burdens away, but he will make
them lighter. There is a saying I like to repeat to myself whenever I feel like my burdens are too
heavy; “Do your best, pray it’s blessed, and God will take care of the rest.”
My bullheadedness and wanting to do everything myself is a good trait for some aspects
in life, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that it is not what God has intended for His children.
Part of being in mortality is about gaining a relationship with Heavenly Father, and I can’t do
that if I’m not willing to put that part of my natural man to the side. Our soul yearns for God’s
love and relation, and that only comes with being as a little child–submissive, meek, and humble.
Because Christ is our creator, He knows the perfect way to succor us. I thought Carolyn
described this perfectly when she said, “Let us not forget that our Savior was a carpenter. He has
carved and rounded the yoke so that it fits perfectly over your shoulders. He has made sure to
smooth off the rough edges so that it won’t dig into your back. He has tailored His yoke perfectly
for you to comfortably carry the load…fulfilling the promise that His yoke is easy and His
burden is light.” He knows that we are all unique, and one method that helps one person won’t be
as effective with another. Christ knows what we need, when we need it, even when we don’t
agree at the time. It brings so much peace when I picture myself standing beside Christ, both of
us holding one side of the yolk, walking side by side through the ups and downs of my life.
For the past year, I’ve had John 14:27 pop up in my mind a lot. I love this whole chapter
of John; pretty much the whole thing is marked up in my scriptures. This is when Christ is
having the last supper with His disciples, and it’s a bittersweet moment because He’s basically
saying goodbye to them. But this particular verse has had a huge impact on me. It reads, “Peace I
leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your
heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” I recite these words to myself a lot, especially “not as
the world giveth, give I unto you.” It is such a good reminder for me to not get caught up in the
worldly things because I’ve found out for myself that they don’t last.
From much trial and error, I have come to find a bit of what this peace is that Christ is
talking about, and I can tell you right now that it is not something the world is not capable of
offering. Looking back at the time when I had just graduated high school and wanted to start a
professional dance career, I realize that if I had gone that path, I would have been very unhappy.
We’ve all been through this time in our lives when we are trying to make critical decisions that
will determine our future, along with the stress, worry, and uncertainty that comes with it.
It was during this time when I felt that I was forced to lean on Christ and His plan for me
after my dream didn’t work out. Sitting here now, writing this paper, I realize that I would have
never felt His peace and spirit like I do right now no matter what professional career I pursued. I
know that this doesn’t mean that my dream won’t ever come true, but I’ve come to trust Christ
that He knows the best way possible for me to get there. He is the only one to give you and I true
and lasting comfort, peace, mercy, and love. Satan uses the world as his device to make us think
the opposite of this.
One last scripture that is in the plethora of my “scriptures that I love” journal is Isaiah
49:16, “Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before
me.” His sacrifice was the ultimate act of love in all the history of the world, and it makes me
emotional to think that He thought I was worth the nail scars on His hands and feet. He knows
exactly what we are going through when we are going through it. He knows the past and future
things we have gone through and yet will go through. We'll always have Him and He’ll always
have us. Christ could never forget us no matter how far off the path we are. A creator can never
forget its creation!
There are lots of people I have met throughout my life that I have looked up to when it
comes to the gospel. One of those people is David Butler. I first found him when one of my
friends on Instagram reposted one of his thoughts, and now I have a saved album filled with
probably 90% of his posts on my account. He is an author of many gospel books and has his own
podcast–Don’t Miss This–that I listen to on the daily. I’ve also had the opportunity to go to his
weekly institutes, or in his words, “Jesus Class”, that leaves the congregation feeling helpful,
hopeful, and healed.
One of the reasons that I love David so much is that he takes the most mundane personal
stories in his life and somehow finds a way to turn them into really lovely lessons about Jesus
and His character. I find that it is applicable to me, and I think that’s a reason why he is so
popular, because he is so relatable. He seems to add a lot of heart and humor to his stories, and it
brings a certain peace to one who reads. He has a gift of relating with young adults such as I, and
he gets exactly what we're going through, whereas other people who are more advanced in their
years seem to give more philosophical answers, but that’s not to say that that isn’t a bad thing
either.
I admire David’s love and understanding for the scriptures. He appears to have this great
curiosity in God and His word, and I hope to adopt that into my own study. He is not perfect and
he’s not afraid to show that. Even God’s most elect people still need help from Him. I find David
so unique because He comes to know God through other people. Every week, He shares stories
from other people about “who won church.” These are quotes that people either said or heard
from church that week, and it’s guaranteed to give you both a good laugh and a good cry. David,
as well as myself, are moved by the things people have shared, and I applaud his never-ending
endeavor to be teachable and humble.
Another person filled with loyalty and love to Christ is my mother. Now let me just have
a minute on my soapbox and say that my mother is the greatest there ever was. There is not a
more selfless, loving, empathetic, nurturing, Christlike person that I know in all the mothers I
have met in my 19 years of living. She was, and still is, very talented and just all around
fabulous. She has sacrificed so much for our Heavenly Father and I can see the reap of her
actions. I get emotional every time I talk about her, and in my mind, she is the epitome of what it
means to be a mother.
From a young age, she was proficient in playing the harp. When she came to just a
couple years older than I am right now, she had offers to play professionally in symphonies
around the country–not to mention that she also won Miss Provo for her talents in 1999. But,
when faced with this life-altering decision, her dream of becoming a mom was greater than her
dream for the harp, and I hope to gain that same confidence in God’s will that she has.
I marvel that she would rather pursue God’s work than something she had been working
her whole life for. As much as I used to hate it when I was younger, she always brings the gospel
up whenever I have a problem. She asks me if I have been doing the basics–saying my prayers
and reading my scriptures–and when I wince at her, it makes me realize the importance of doing
those daily, simple things even more.
In 2015, our family changed. My uncle and his wife along with two of their kids were
killed in a plane crash. My parents were very close with them, as it was my Dad’s brother and a
woman who my mom considered to be her best friend. They had three other children who were
not with them at the time, and after much contemplation, we decided to adopt them into our
family. I was talking to my mother about this decision a few years ago, and miraculously, she
said that she knew all along we were going to take them. I remember her telling me about a
dream she had a few years prior to the accident where our family took our cousins as our own,
and my aunt telling her that she wanted us to take her children if anything happened to her and
her husband.
Since then, I have seen my mother being divinely guided and directed in this life-altering
event. She has come to know Christ better through this experience, and it has been the most
beautiful thing to witness. As mentioned before, her dream was to always be a mom, and God
had multiplied that for her–she now has 9 kids that call her mom. Because of her loyalty, love,
and worthiness to always have His spirit with her, she has a great devotion to Heavenly Father
when things get hard. He is the first person that she goes to for ANYTHING. If there is any one
thing that I hope to get out of this life, it is becoming just like my mom. She is every good thing
this world has to offer.
My mother knows a little Mexican lady, who is not a part of the church, yet one of the
kindest people I’ve encountered. It’s my families cleaning lady. She comes from a very poor
family and immigrated here from Mexico. My mom hired her when I was a little girl and she’s
been with our family ever since. Every Tuesday, Ceci comes to our house and cleans, eight A.M.
to five P.M. She’s catholic (which I found out through her posts on her facebook page), and I was
shocked when I learned she wasn’t part of our faith–she's that good.
Every once in a while, when my mother forces us children to clean out our closet, she
gives the things we don’t want anymore to Ceci. And I’m talking about multiple trash bags full
of clothes, toys, etc etc. Instead of taking all of these things for herself, she gives some of it to
her friends who are in more of a need than she is. Her profound example of grace and a kind
heart has changed my family and all of the other lives she is a part of. I greatly admire her
god-given gift of service and it’s something that I want to be better at.
One last person that I would like to talk about is my good friend, Rylee Rogers. From a
young age, Rylee and I shared the same love for dance. She was a role model for me and still is.
Rylee is nothing short of a prodigy, and I have always admired that; maybe even been a little bit
envious here and there. I’m still working on it, though. At fifteen, her amazing talents and
abilities got her into a prestigious school of dance in New York City. This is every young
ballerina's dream because everyone knows that if you go to this school, you are guaranteed to
land a professional career. And spoiler alert, she did. But that’s not the point. The point is that
while she has participated in once in a lifetime opportunities and quickly rose up the ranks, she is
the definition of what it is to be humble and has a gift for Christlike love in any room she walks
into.
Despite all of this, her life hasn’t been easy. Moving away from home to a new city to
pursue your dream is nothing short of hard, especially to a place with a culture the exact opposite
of your values. She has a disease that runs in her family called Ataxia, a chronic condition where
your nervous system degenerates, and it could make itself manifest at any moment. But I
remember talking to her on the weekly, telling me about the experiences she had in church and
seminary. She never missed her 6am seminary class and always took advantage of living right
next to the New York City temple.
Now if you know anything about the dance world, you know that it is a harsh place. It is
full of competition, hate, despise, and loathe. But Rylee has held strong. She has developed the
strongest testimony I know out of anyone close to my age through these hardships in her life. She
respects and befriends those who are not members of the church, which is pretty much everyone
that she’s around. After training all of her adolescent years at this school, shockingly, she didn’t
get into the company that she was hoping for. And I will never forget the response that she had,
“My mother and I were filled with peace and calm. Like it was meant to be and it’s all going to
work out.” Only God could have provided this sense of tranquility, especially after something
you worked your whole life for.
After this news, Rylee moved back to her hometown–Orem, Utah–and landed a job with
Ballet West, a high-ranked professional ballet company in Salt Lake City. Being a professional
also comes with its fair shares of drama and toxicity, and it’s definitely not “trendy” to be a
member of the church. If anything, you may be looked down upon and considered weird. But,
God has been lighting her path because of her outstanding work ethic to never give up on the
gospel. She has a certain light to her that no one else in the company has. Her love and devotion
for dance is just as deep as her love and devotion for the gospel, Heavenly Father, and His Son
Jesus Christ. I truly admire her humility, kindness, and attitude; and strive to be the same
example to others as she has been to me.
My relationship with Jesus is something that I’m not necessarily fond of. But over the
past couple of months, I’ve had experiences that have made me approach my relationship with
Him differently. I see His hand in the tiniest of things, and it’s not until after the fact that I realize
it. I’m having a hard time trying to put into words all my thoughts and feelings, but don’t think
that I don’t love God and all that he has given me. I just pray that he will help me try to find a
conversion story that is assured.
My conversion story is not mind-blowing, and it’s definitely not something that you
would hear on a gospel podcast. In fact, I’m probably the wrong person to ask if you’re looking
for a conversion story. There is no earth-shattering chronicle or experience, and I’m still trying to
figure out what it actually is myself. It is by no means finished, and to be completely honest, I
don’t even know where it starts. I don’t like to talk about it much because I feel like I’ve got the
lesser end of the stick than everyone else. So, this is my attempt to find the worthiness, dignity,
and confidence in myself to share this spiel.
This past summer, I had the opportunity to go to Europe and dance. It was my first time,
and to be fair, the dancing wasn’t even my favorite part, the sightseeing was. More specifically,
the cathedrals and basilicas. When going into these ancient buildings, I noticed how they all
depicted Christ–hanging on the cross; dead, weak, and sickly. It was dark and sorrowful, which
provided a very heavy feeling. This is how they thought of Christ, and I can tell you that it is
very different from what we believe in Provo, Utah. I couldn’t believe that the locals stuck
around a religion like this that brings so much weight.
With this, we also had the opportunity to visit the Rome temple and visitors center, and it
was then that I realized that this gospel brings so much happiness. The contrast between these
two places was the first thing I noticed. The feeling was completely opposite from the one I had
in the cathedrals and basilicas. I was filled with so much peace and hope and came to know God
as a God of happiness. You could see the physical light that filled the visitors center–it was
unearthly and reminded me of the celestial room in the temple. Instead of displaying Christ as
feeble and helpless, he was displayed as omnipotent and all-knowing.
I never wanted to leave that place, as I could sit at the feet of the 11 foot Christus
displayed in front of the temple, admiring the nail prints in his hands and feet with teary eyes. I
came to understand a snippet of how blessed I am to be part of this gospel that provides stitches
to a broken heart, help, peace, hope, and the list goes on. It is unlike any other thing on this earth,
and in that moment I decided I was all in the gospel of Jesus Christ.
After my cousins passed away, like I mentioned earlier, my family experienced the
greatest trial of faith that they’ve ever had. Although I didn’t realize it because I was only 10, it
brought a trial of my faith as well. You could say that it tore my family apart. My older sister
became mad at God, and in time it started to reflect on me. I was very close with my older sister,
and the saying “you are who you hang around” became true. I started following in her footsteps,
my innocence slowly becoming guilt.
To this day, my sister is still not the same. But through giving the tiniest of effort like
going to church every week and a determination to hang on by a thread, I have been able to find
my way back on the path. I always wonder if my testimony would be stronger right now if I had
not gone through that trial. I haven’t come to find out why I went through that yet, but that is one
of the many questions I have for God when I see Him again.
Before coming to BYU, I had been praying that God would help me find a firm testimony
that I can lean on anytime. I had been trying to build one for years by trying to go to the temple
every week, reading my scriptures, you know, all the things; and none of them seemed to make a
difference for me. At least, I didn’t feel it was. But, it wasn’t until I came to BYU that that had
all changed. Over the past year, I have gotten snippets of revelation to get endowed. At first I
wanted to make sure it was actually Him and not just me thinking that in my head because I’m
surrounded by married people and all, but I’ve recognized that it is Him because He’s let me
know that this is the next step to building that strong relationship that I so desire.
These past few weeks have been hard for me. There has been a lot of death, sorrow, and
tribulation. But I think it is no coincidence that right now we’re talking about Christ’s Atonement
and Crucifixion in class. The lecture about the Atonement changed me and the Christ that’s in
my head. Whenever I thought about it prior to this, I still had a heavy and sorrowful heart, don’t
get me wrong, but now I just can’t help but cry. It’s hard for me to stand all the way upright. I
have been able to get through this period of my life with peace and comfort, when I would
usually go through it with despair and discouragement.
BYU has been more of a blessing to me than I ever thought it would, and I thank God
everyday for giving me an opportunity to learn and grow here. My religion classes have
especially had a huge impact on me and my testimony as I have learned things about Christ that I
had never known before. This was the piece that I felt I had been missing my whole life, and I
have started to see a small section of what my relationship with Christ entails and the potential it
holds.
I love Jesus. I love my Heavenly Father, and I love my Heavenly Mother. I am at a loss
for words at the life they have given me. Sometimes (most of the time), I don’t get why they do
what they do. But I know that they have my best interest at heart, and I know that they know the
things that won’t serve me well, even when I really want them. I’ve had to learn that lesson many
times. Christ has given me so many lovely people in my life that are proof He loves me and is
watching out for me. He is the savior of my soul, my best friend, and I am all in.