Ashley Cathey Cathey 1 Marlya Mitchell INRW 0303 Fall Semester 09/29/2023 Brainfuse Response Form Welcome to the Writing Lab! Analysis and recommendations regarding specific parts of your paper are included in the tutor response form. A copy of your paper is also posted below this form, and it includes additional comments in brackets. If you do not see the tutor’s comments or a tutor’s review appears to be missing, please contact info@brainfuse.com. For specific questions about your paper, please resubmit through the Brainfuse Writing Lab. Thank you for choosing the Writing Lab. Best wishes with your revisions! Part 1 – Organization Your narrative lacks clear organization. It jumps between different time periods and events without a smooth transition, making it confusing for the reader to follow your journey. To improve this, try organizing your story chronologically, starting with your decision to transfer schools and then progressing through each dropout and attempt to continue your education. Part 2 – Development In terms of narrative development, you need to provide more details and insights into your thoughts and emotions during these experiences. You briefly mention your struggles and decisions, but it would be more engaging if you include the reasons behind your actions and how they affected you personally. Part 3 – Formatting and Style Regarding style, your narrative could benefit from more descriptive language to help readers visualize your experiences. In terms of grammar and punctuation, there are several run-on sentences in your narrative that make it challenging to follow. Break these sentences into shorter, more digestible sentences for clarity. Also, ensure consistent verb tense throughout your narrative. Example: Here's an example of a run-on sentence from your narrative: Ashley Cathey Cathey 2 Marlya Mitchell INRW 0303 Fall Semester 09/29/2023 Original run-on sentence: "After I transferred back to Hubbard everything went downhill quickly, I showed up to school maybe 3 times a week or I would sign myself out early." To fix this run-on sentence, you can break it into two separate sentences: Revised sentences: "After I transferred back to Hubbard, everything went downhill quickly. I showed up to school maybe 3 times a week, or I would sign myself out early." Now, here's an example of using a consistent verb tense: Inconsistent verb tense: "I went to close to all of them and each time I would be there for no more than a few weeks not even showing up but a couple times all to drop out and repeat the process over and over again." Consistent verb tense: "I went to nearly all of them, and each time I was there for no more than a few weeks, not even showing up but a couple of times, all to drop out and repeat the process over and over again." In the revised sentence, the verb tense (past tense) is consistent throughout, making it easier to follow the timeline of events. Useful Links: Organization & Development: For additional assistance with organization and development, please use the Brainfuse Essential Guides. You can view the guides by clicking on the links below: Organization Guide: https://www.brainfuse.com/curriculumupload//1548955157024.pdf Development Guide: https://www.brainfuse.com/curriculumupload//1548955225649.pdf Grammar, Usage, and Mechanics For additional assistance identifying and editing errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics, please use the Brainfuse Essential Grammar Guides. You can view the guide by clicking on this link below: Grammar Guide: https://www.brainfuse.com/curriculumupload//1611937972116.pdf If you would like a review focused on your grammar, usage, and mechanics, please request a grammar only review in the comment box. Ashley Cathey Cathey 3 Marlya Mitchell INRW 0303 Fall Semester 09/29/2023 Formatting Please use the Brainfuse Style Guides for information on citation formatting. APA – 6th Edition: https://www.brainfuse.com/curriculumupload//1514394321264.pdf APA – 7th Edition: https://www.brainfuse.com/curriculumupload//1579205682683.pdf MLA – 8th Edition: https://www.brainfuse.com/curriculumupload//1514393937280.pdf MLA – 9th Edition: https://www.brainfuse.com/curriculumupload//1lgbht79g1peg_19blo22cq6ryl.pdf Chicago Style: https://www.brainfuse.com/curriculumupload//1515512833067.pdf Please make all changes to your own original file to maintain your intended formatting, headers, and footers. The Late High School Graduate. When you reach 18, you suddenly have the attitude that no one can tell you anything since you are an adult now and can do whatever you want. Have you ever attempted to converse with or simply be around someone who is like this? If so, you will understand precisely what I'm talking about in addition to how difficult it may be. I, however, had the worst case of this same attitude. Since I was now a[review a vs an] "adult" at age 18, I stopped listening to everyone, including my own father. The troubles I created for myself by thinking and acting in this way nearly lost me the opportunity[review wording for clarity] to receive my diploma from high school. I missed out on the opportunity to attend college at the same time as my pals, and I was years behind in certain areas. Early in August, I had just turned 18 and there were about two weeks left until school resumed; this would have been, or at least should have been, my senior year. Since my closest friend and I had been hanging out the entire summer and we didn't attend the same schools at the Ashley Cathey Cathey 4 Marlya Mitchell INRW 0303 Fall Semester 09/29/2023 time (she went to Hubbard and I went to Mt. Calm), we naturally didn't want it to end when school started. I then believed I had a solution—I would convince my father to move me back to Hubbard, where I could pick her up from and drop her off at school, as well as stay out with her afterward. I then made the decision to ask my father to reconsider my transfer, but as I had anticipated, he refused, insisting that I remain at the school I was attending or risk ruining my senior year, even though I was doing well. Naturally, I attempted to urge him to do it because the answer was no, but unbeknownst to me, my father ended up telling me something I didn't know I could do. I had believed that even when you become 18, your parents would have to remove you from school, but that after that, you would be able to do it on your own. According to my father though this was not the case and I could now withdraw myself,[comma splice] my father would soon find out he made a mistake telling me this. After that conversation with my dad I started realizing that there was way more things I could do now and I wouldn’t need my dad for now that I was 18. All it took for me grasp this was my dad saying “you technically don’t need me to take you out of school, since your 18 now your considered an adult and can do it yourself and there is nothing I can do to stop you”, hearing him say that was all I needed to hear. He had no clue what he started with me when he said that and how badly it would go. My dad was a over the road truck driver during this time and had been all summer so he was of course rarely ever home. Because of this I was basically able to do whatever I wanted without him knowing and I took full advantage of that. Now that I was 18 though I got a lot bolder about not hiding what I did because I didn’t think I had to listen Ashley Cathey Cathey 5 Marlya Mitchell INRW 0303 Fall Semester 09/29/2023 because I’m an adult now and I don’t need your permission. I didn’t hesitate for a second acting this way when it came to me going back to my old school. My dad had told me no and I was to stay in the school I was in, but the comment he made to me just meant I didn’t half to listen and could do it. That is exactly what I did to that following Monday was transfer schools. Ultimately that moment is what set me in motion to start dropping out. After that discussion with my father, I began to realize that I was 18 years old and could accomplish a lot more things on my own without needing my father. My father just saying, "You technically don't need me to take you out of school, since your 18 now, you are considered an adult and can do it yourself and there is nothing I can do to stop you," was all I needed to hear in order for me to understand this. He had no idea how terribly things would turn out when he said it to me. My father was driving an over-the-road truck at the time and had been doing so all summer so naturally he was basically never at home[this has already been mentioned]. I practically had free reign to do whatever I wanted without his knowing as a result, and I made the most of it. When I became 18 though, I became much more confident in not hiding what I did because I didn't believe I needed to listen because I was an adult now and didn't require his consent. I acted in this manner without any hesitation, of course I applied this to me returning to my former school. My father had previously told me to stay at the school I was attending, but his remark didn’t mean anything to me because I was 18 now he couldn’t stop me[this is a bit redundant and has already been mentioned multiple times]. So I made to decision that started my Ashley Cathey Cathey 6 Marlya Mitchell INRW 0303 Fall Semester 09/29/2023 whole spiral of dropping out of school, I transferred back to Hubbard and id done it behind my dads[possessive form] back. After I transferred back to Hubbard everything went downhill quickly, I showed up to school maybe 3 times a week or I would sign myself out early. Not even a full month into school I thought to myself why don’t I just drop out I can just get my GED I don’t even show up majority of the time. So that is exactly what I did, I had now officially dropped out for the first time. Of course when my dad found out he was livid but knew there was nothing he could do because I was 18. My dad had no faith that I would graduate high school now, he already knew that I didn’t transfer schools because I wanted to go back but it was really just excuse for me to eventually drop out. Honestly he couldn’t of been more right, truthfully deep down even I knew I would end up dropping out. About two months later I finally decided to attend GED classes at MCC. I went to the classes for one week before I decided I didn’t want to even worry about getting my GED right now so I stopped going. Months later in January I moved to Ft Hood with my friend. After moving I figured I would give the Killeen school a try, really I was hoping Id be able to do my classes in credit recovery. When I ended up in regular classes the school was honestly lucky if I even would show up. I didn’t get to stay at this school for long at all though before dropping out again. This time around even if wanted to stay not just at the school but the town to I wasn’t able to because some unforeseen things happened and I was now having to go live with my Aunt in San Antonio. The logical thing would have been to just withdraw myself but I chose to drop out, it was just another excuse for me to drop out. After moving in with my Aunt she didn’t give me a option of going to school or not living with her meant I had to go back to high school so I did because that was her stipulation for me to Ashley Cathey Cathey 7 Marlya Mitchell INRW 0303 Fall Semester 09/29/2023 live with her and I had nowhere else to go so I did until the school year ended. Towards the end of that summer I moved out of state a few days before my 19th birthday. Rapid City, SD where I had moved to had several high schools even one of them being a special high school meant to help people get their credits even when they wouldn’t be able to at a regular school, I went to close to all of them and each time I would be there for no more than a few weeks not even showing up but a couple times all to drop out and repeat the process over and over again. I even tried taking the GED classes again on at least two different occasions and had even dropped out of those. Finally in late November of 2016 after I had turned 20 I moved back to Texas and at this point I had dropped out close to 10 different times counting high school and attempting the GED classes. It finally started hitting me when I seen all my old classmates and friends had been graduated for a few years now and was in college and then there was me I didn’t have my diploma GED or anything. Seeing this made me realize how badly I had set myself back all because I wanted to be able to do whatever I wanted and not be told what to do. At this point no one had any faith in me that I would ever graduate and truthfully I didn’t either but I had made up my mind I was going to get my high school diploma and I would walk across that stage and prove everyone including myself wrong. I did exactly that when I enrolled in Whitney high, I was in the credit room all day doing the classes online it was the only way I was going to be able to graduate that school year because this was my last chance. If I didn’t do it now I would be forced to get my GED because once I turned 21 I couldn’t go back so I buckled way down, I started in November 2016 and by early February 2017 I had officially done it I got all my credits and would be walking across the stage with my diploma.[work on breaking this paragraph down into clear points] Ashley Cathey Cathey 8 Marlya Mitchell INRW 0303 Fall Semester 09/29/2023 Getting my high school diploma has so far been my greatest accomplishment and something I have been extremely proud of myself for getting. I honestly don’t know what I would be doing right now or if id have my GED had I not gotten my diploma when I did. At times I do wonder how differently would things have gone for me had I never dropped out and graduated on time. I will say in those several years from 18-20 when I graduated I went through a lot and it all taught me so much and really forced me to realize putting something off doesn’t make it go away. Getting my diploma also showed me that I don’t need doubt that I can do something because I can do anything if I actually apply myself, the only thing stopping me achieving anything is myself and I now fully understand this.
