Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I
Are you ready to write Touchstone 3?
The informative essay below provides an example of an advanced level revision for prompt B: Extended
Definition. As you read through the revised informative essay, notice how the author improved his essay
relative to the first draft by strengthening his thesis statement, removing unnecessary words and
sentences, revising sentences for variety, eliminating non-objective language, and reorganizing some
paragraphs to improve essay flow . This sample revision employs effective strategies to improve the
composition and reflects thoughtfully on the revision process.
______________________________________________________________________
Marcus Bishop
English Composition I
January 28, 2018
Margarita and Walter live in the same small town. Margarita is a high school
math teacher and Walter is an auto mechanic. Who is more intelligent, Margarita or
Walter? Merriam Webster’s online dictionary defines the word intelligence variously as
“the skilled use of reason,” and “the ability to apply knowledge to manipulate one’s
environment or to think abstractly as measured by objective criteria (such as tests).”
Most people in Margarita and Walter’s small town would consider Margarita to be more
intelligent than Walter because she has graduated from college while Walter has simply
been interested in cars and how they work for all of his life. The definition of “intelligent”
should be broadened to include physical actions as well as intellectual actions.
Limiting intelligence to that which can be measured by “objective criteria” ignores
the fact that human beings think and learn in different ways. While Margarita may be
Comment [SL1]: Nice job revising the thesis to remove
non-objective language.
Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I
intelligent in a logical, mathematical sense – she can easily grasp abstractions,
reasoning, and numbers – Walter is intelligent in a more physical sense – he has fine
motor skills and expresses his intelligence through manipulating and skillfully handling
objects. Walter can diagnose an engine knock as a problem with the car’s spark plugs,
but Margarita is able to diagnose a student’s difficulty with learning the multiplication
tables. These are both types of intelligence and one is not superior to the other. Walter
is not “more” intelligent than Margarita; he is merely intelligent in a different way.
Comment [SL2]: I can see that you revised the body of
this paragraph to include more sentence variety. The
paragraph flows much better now, and the sentences
are nicely structured.
Other types of intelligence are sometimes referred to as “talents” or “special
abilities.” Take a professional athlete, for example: a person like Michael Jordan
becomes famous for his agility and physical prowess, rising above other most other
competitors in his field. Is Michael Jordan more intellectually “intelligent” than other
athletes, or does he possess a physical superiority that can be translated into a different
type of “intelligence”? His control over his own body movements and his innate
understanding of physical timing and personal effort demonstrate a broader definition of
the term. This type of “physical intelligence” is found in many professions. Think of
actors who delve deeply into a character by physically becoming homeless if they are to
portray a homeless person on screen, for example, or who ride along with police officers
as they do their job in real life so they can faithfully represent the life of a police officer in
film. Professional dancers endure punishing physical routines to express themselves,
and people who build houses or buildings are physically engaged in the process. These
are all examples of people who may possess a greater physical intelligence than the
intellectual intelligence most often accepted as the true definition of the word
“intelligent.”
Comment [SL3]: Again, great examples here. And I see
that you fixed the punctuation error— well done!
Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I
So what does a “physical intelligence” mean? Think of the person who has never
had musical training but can hear a song and reproduce it, note by note, or the musician
who can teach himself to play a musical instrument through concentration and having
an “ear” for it. These are forms of “musical” intelligence. Or think of the person who is
able to navigate her way through unfamiliar surroundings. Without a map or other
Comment [SL4]: You substantially revised this
paragraph in order to remove all non-objective
language/examples. Really great work— the essay is
now strictly in the informative mode and does not
present instances of bias.
outside source, some people are able to “sense” location and move unerringly in the
right direction. Taxi drivers are a good example of someone with spatial intelligence, as
are astronauts and airplane pilots. Surely this ability must be a form of intelligence as
well. It cannot be easily measured by an intellectual examination, but that does not
mean it is not an intelligence in itself.
For many years, an IQ test has been society’s measure of intelligence. An
“intelligence quotient” (IQ) is a total score arrived at through a series of standardized
tests that have been developed to measure and assess human intelligence. Dividing a
person’s mental age (derived from test scores) by his chronological age and multiplying
by 100 has long been the standard of arriving at a number to reflect one’s IQ. The
average IQ is often stated as being between 90 and 110, with a certain proportion being
lower and a proportion being higher.
At best, however, IQ scores are mere estimations of human intelligence. What of
the person, perhaps a person like Walter, who does not perform well on a written test?
Is an IQ score based on these tests truly reflective of his level of intelligence? What of
the person who can play a tune on a guitar with no training but who may stumble to
answer a question based on logic or reasoning? Because the word “intelligent” has so
many possible interpretations and so many possible ways of manifesting itself in the
Comment [SL5]: The new placement of this paragraph
is a lot better, as it ties into the next one nicely. The
essay now feels more organized overall.
Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I
physical world, one should reject the idea that it can be accurately measured by a series
of written tests designed by some professors in a laboratory.
The definition of the word “intelligent” should be expanded to include the many
different types of intelligence that human beings possess. Intelligence is not merely an
intellectual measurement; it encompasses many skills and aptitudes not traditionally
associated with “intelligence.” Someone may be “book smart,” but someone else may
be “street smart,” and neither is more intelligent than the other. In academia, the “book
smart” person may find success and recognition, but he or she would struggle if asked
to survive a day on the streets of a large city. Rather than deeming one person more
“intelligent” according to a strict definition of the word, the definition of “intelligent”
should be altered to be more inclusive of the many traits we as humans demonstrate in
our day to day lives.
Think About Your Writing:
1. How much time did you spend revising your draft? Which revision strategies
did you use, and which of them worked best for you? (2-3 sentences)
2. How did the revision process improve your essay? (2-3 sentences)
3. What did you learn about your writing process or yourself as a writer? (2-3
sentences)
Comment [SL6]: This is a much more substantial
conclusion. You’ve done a great job expanding on the
main idea of your essay without losing focus.
Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I
COPY OF TOUCHSTONE 2.2 SUBMISSION
Intelligence: A Re-Definition
Margarita and Walter live in the same small town. Margarita s is a high school
math teacher and Walter is an auto mechanic. Whom is more intelligent, Margarita or
Walter? Merriam Webster’s online dictionary defines the word intelligence variously as
“the skilled use of reason,” and “the ability to apply knowledge to manipulate one’s
environment or to think abstractly as measured by objective criteria (such as tests).”
Most people in Margarita and Walter’s small town would consider Margarita to be more
intelligent than Walter because she has graduated from college while Walter has simply
been interested in cars and how they work for all of his life. I believe the definition of
“intelligent” should be broadened to include physical actions as well as intellectual
actions.
Limiting intelligence to that which can be measured by “objective criteria” ignores
the fact that human beings think and learn in different ways. Margarita may be intelligent
in a logical, mathematical sense – she can easily grasp abstractions, reasoning, and
Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I
SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE 4
numbers – but Walter is intelligent in a more physical sense – he has fine motor skills
and expresses his intelligence through manipulating and skillfully handling objects.
Margarita may be able to diagnose a student’s difficulty with learning the multiplication
tables, but Walter can diagnose an engine knock as a problem with the car’s spark
plugs. Margarita and Walter both possess a type of intelligence and one is not superior
to the other. Margarita is not “more” intelligent than Walter; she is merely intelligent in a
different way.
Other types of intelligence are sometimes referred to as “talents” or “special
abilities.” Take a professional athlete, for example, a person like Michael Jordan
becomes famous for his agility and physical prowess, rising above other most other
competitors in his field. Is Michael Jordan more intellectually “intelligent” than other
athletes, or does he possess a physical superiority that can be translated into a different
type of “intelligence”? His control over his own body movements and his innate
understanding of physical timing and personal effort demonstrate a broader definition of
the term. This type of “physical intelligence” is found in many professions. Think of
actors who delve deeply into a character by physically becoming homeless if they are to
portray a homeless person on screen, for example, or who ride along with police officers
as they do their job in real life so they can faithfully represent the life of a police officer in
film. Professional dancers endure punishing physical routines to express themselves,
and people who build houses or buildings are physically engaged in the process. These
are all examples of people who may possess a greater physical intelligence than the
intellectual intelligence most often accepted as the true definition of the word
“intelligent.”
Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I
(EDIT for punctuation – replace comma with a colon or period.)
For many years, an IQ test has been society’s measure of intelligence. An
“intelligence quotient” (IQ) is a total score arrived at through a series of standardized
tests that have been developed to measure and assess human intelligence. Dividing a
person’s mental age (derived from test scores) by his chronological age and multiplying
by 100 has long been the standard of arriving at a number to reflect one’s IQ. The
average IQ is often stated as being between 90 and 110, with a certain proportion being
lower and a proportion being higher.
I have an uncle who has never had musical training in his life, yet he can hear a
song and sit down at the piano and reproduce that song note for note. Is this a type of
“intelligence”? If not, how can one explain it? Why do some people simply have this
musical ability and others do not? Another relative of mine is known as the “navigator”
because she can easily visualize spatial settings – that is, when we’re traveling in an
unknown territory, she unerringly gets us to the place we’re going without the use of
maps or other outside sources. As someone who is quickly disoriented in unfamiliar
settings, this sure sense of direction and place is something to admire as a form of
intelligence.
At best, however, IQ scores are mere estimations of human intelligence. What of
the person, perhaps a person like Walter, who does not perform well on a written test?
Is an IQ score based on these tests truly reflective of his level of intelligence? What of
my uncle who can play a tune on a guitar with no training but who may stumble to
answer a question based on logic or reasoning? Because the word “intelligent” has so
many possible interpretations and so many possible ways of manifesting itself in the
Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I
physical world, I reject the idea that it can be accurately measured by a series of written
tests designed by some supposedly intelligent professors in a laboratory. People who
consider only intellectual prowess as a sign of intelligence are not very intelligent
themselves.
In conclusion, I believe the definition of the word “intelligent” should be expanded
to include the many different types of intelligence that human beings possess. Someone
may be “book smart,” but someone else may be “street smart,” and I don’t believe that
one is more intelligent than the other.
SCORING APPEARS ON THE NEXT PAGE
Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I
SCORING for Sample Touchstone 3
The sample essay was evaluated according to the Touchstone 3 Rubric, which evaluates the revision
and editing of either the Image Analysis OR Expanded Definition Essay. This particular essay was written
using the expanded definition approach. The rubric evaluates the revision and edits made to the essay,
the expanded definition, the working thesis statement, organization, style and tone, focus, conventions
and proofreading, and responses to the “Think About Your Writing” questions. Each rubric area is
evaluated according to the performance level.
Revising and Editing
It is very clear that the writer put significant thought into the revision process. The organization of the
essay has been altered to improve flow and clarity, edits have been made to the thesis statement and to
some topic sentences, and edits to sentences and word choices have improved the overall focus, clarity,
and tone of the essay.
Area Score: Advanced 27/30
Expanded Definition
The writer has chosen a meaningful word and has expanded on its meaning with a description of the
word’s traditional meaning, a rationale for expanding it, and a thorough discussion of the new, expanded
meaning.
Area Score: Advanced 15/15
Working Thesis (5 possible points)
The essay has a clear and focused thesis: “The definition of “intelligent” should be broadened to include
physical actions as well as intellectual actions.” The edited thesis is now more concise, conveys a nonobjective tone, and remains appropriately narrowed and states the central claim of the essay.
Area Score: 5/5
Organization (5 possible points)
Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I
The essay has an introduction with a thesis, an adequate number of body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Body paragraphs contain a topic sentence and supporting details. The writer uses transitions effectively
within paragraphs, and edits have improved transitions and transitional expressions between paragraphs
which have enhanced the overall flow of the essay.
Area Score: 10/10
Style and Tone (5 possible points)
The writer’s tone remains largely unbiased and informative throughout the essay. The writer uses logic
and examples to support the thesis and purpose. A wide variety of sentence structures help to keep the
reader engaged.
Area Score: 10/10
Focus (5 possible points)
The essay has a clear and focused thesis and edits to the original essay have provided enhanced support
for the thesis and improved the overall focus of the essay.
Area Score: 5/5
Conventions (5 possible points)
The writer has made few, if any, errors in spelling, punctuation, grammar, usage, or mechanics.
Area Score: 10/10
“Think About Your Writing” Questions (5 possible points)
The answers to the questions are thoughtful and insightful. The answers effectively address the question
and either adhere to or exceed the length guidelines.
Area Score: 5/5
TOTAL SCORE: ADVANCED 87/90
Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I
This revised informative essay is successful as an extended definition essay. An interesting definition is
explored and thoughtfully extended using reason, critical thinking, and concrete details as support. The
style remains informative and unbiased throughout, with effective choice of words and good use of
transitions to connect ideas. The revisions that were made to the essay streamlined the ideas articulated
and added stronger support for the author’s thesis. The author’s answers to the reflection questions were
well thought out and met the requirements. On the whole, this revision provides a good example of
making effective revisions to a composition.