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Mate Poaching
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DOI: 10.1007/978-3-319-16999-6_1744-1
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Mate Poaching
Maryanne L. Fisher1 and T. Joel Wade2
1
Department of Psychology, Saint Mary’s
University, Halifax, NS, Canada
2
Department of Psychology, Bucknell University,
Lewisburg, PA, USA
Synonyms
Mate-Stealing; Non-Independent Mate Choice
Definition
Mate poaching is engaging in premeditated
behaviors to attract either short-term or longterm mates by luring them away from their
already established relationship.
Introduction
Generally, mate poaching refers to behaviors
whereby one attempts to romantically attract an
individual away from an existing monogamous
relationship. Mate poaching has been defined in
two different ways in the literature, with the second definition serving as a clarification of the first
definition. Schmitt and Buss (2001) originally
defined mate poaching as the process of romantically attracting someone who is already in a
relationship. However, Davies et al. (2007)
pointed out that Schmitt and Buss’ (2001) definition allowed for an overestimation of the frequency of mate poaching, because it did not
specify two important criteria that are necessary
for mate poaching to have occurred. Davies et al.
(2007) stipulated that the relationship must be
exclusive such that sex with an individual other
than one’s partner invalidates the relationship, and
poachers must know that the relationship they are
poaching from is exclusive. Thus, Davies et al.
(2007) revised the definition of mate poaching
such that it is said to occur when a person has
attracted, or tried to attract, a mate whom they
know is already in an existing exclusive relationship, in order to form a new sexual or romantic
relationship. Further issues related to definition
are discussed by Davies et al. (2019).
It is helpful to distinguish mate poaching from
other forms of romantic attraction. Mate poaching
is distinct, because it presents costs that are not
found during typical, early stages of relationship
initiation or romantic attraction. For example, in
addition to the potential rejection by the person
one approaches, the person’s mate may learn of
the attempted poaching and seek retaliation.
These costs are further discussed in the following
sections. Mate poaching also entails a specific set
of personality characteristics, which are presented
in an upcoming section.
Evolutionary psychology offers a way to make
sense of mate poaching. Mate poaching is a form
of nonindependent mate choice that is an adaptive
© Springer Nature Switzerland AG 2020
T. K. Shackelford, V. A. Weekes-Shackelford (eds.), Encyclopedia of Evolutionary Psychological Science,
https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-16999-6_1744-1
2
solution to the problem of locating a mate of
suitable quality from the local pool of those
whom are currently available. For men, this problem is thought to have been frequently occurring
in ancestral environments where women, in particular, were mated early in life, pregnant much of
their lifetime, and/or in situations involving
polygyny where a few men dominated local mating contexts. For women, it would have been an
adaptive solution to issues around resource control, such that women could try to invade an
existing relationship to secure a mate with ownership of limited resources. Those resources, in turn,
may positively have impacted on their ability to
successfully bear and raise children, thereby
improving their reproductive success and fitness.
Putting all of these ideas together creates an
interesting and unique mating-related situation.
Mate poachers (i.e., those who poach someone’s
mate) are theorized to engage in premeditated
behaviors to attract either short-term or longterm mates via luring them away from their
already established relationship (Moran and
Wade 2019; Schmitt and Buss 2001). Mate
poaching involves covert behaviors and indirect
tactics, unlike other forms of romantic attraction,
due to the potential risks involved in luring an
already involved mate. Furtive glances, moving
into one’s social network, and encouraging the
target to realize the problems and dissatisfaction
with their existing relationship are examples of the
sorts of covert behaviors a poacher may perform.
The discrete nature of romantic attraction is key,
as direct flirting may lead to violence by an
existing partner and be seen as in poor taste by
the general social community (e.g., Schmitt and
ISDP 2004). Of these various strategies of mate
poaching, becoming the intended poachee’s
friend is viewed as a very effective strategy
which mitigates risk, However, individuals who
use that strategy are perceived by others as less
warm, less nurturant, and less friendly than those
who merely make the acquaintance of the poachee
(Mogilski and Wade 2013).
Mate Poaching
Occurrence and Prevalence
Estimates regarding the prevalence of mate
poaching vary, partly due to whether it is examined with respect to whether one attempts to lure a
short- versus long-term mate, or whether it
includes any experience versus frequent experience. For example, in a sample of US college
students and older adults (average of 41 years),
Schmitt and Buss (2001; study 1) report over 70%
had experience in attracting an already involved
partner, with about equal experience in attracting
short- versus long-term mates. Almost 30%
reported frequently trying to attract long-term
mates, while 10% frequently attempted to attract
short-term mates. Mate poaching specifically,
though, was lower, with about 50% having some
experience in short- or long-term relationships,
with few stating they had frequent attempts.
Their sample reported that rate of poaching
toward oneself was higher, with an estimated
85% of people reporting someone had attempted
to poach them (Schmitt and Buss 2001).
There are some noteworthy sex differences.
Schmitt and Buss (2001) found men (60–64%)
are more likely to have attempted to poach
a short-term mate than women (38–49%,
depending on age). As an interesting aside, they
reported that mate poaching tactics are perceived
to be less effective when one attempts to infiltrate
an existing highly committed relationship compared to less committed relationships.
Davies et al. (2007) argued that these frequencies from Schmitt and Buss (2001) may be overestimates due to differences in their definition.
They later reported their sampling procedure
may also be responsible; using a similar procedure, Davies et al. (2019) found no significant
difference in frequencies, as compared Schmitt
and Buss (2001).
In addition to the possible causes of variation
in prevalence already mentioned, geographic
location (as a proxy for culture) is an important
consideration. Across a large sample (i.e.,
53 nations, almost 17,000 participants), Schmitt
and members of the International Sexuality
Description Project (2004) found mate poaching
was most common in Southern Europe, South
Mate Poaching
America, Western Europe, and Eastern Europe
and was relatively infrequent in Africa, South/
Southeast Asia, and East Asia. Men were more
likely than women to report having made and
succumbed to short-term poaching across all
regions, but the differences between men and
women were often smaller in more genderegalitarian regions. That is, similar to the rates
reported using the US samples, Schmitt et al.
(2004) document around 62% of men and 40%
of women have attempted to attract someone who
was already in a relationship with someone else
for a short-term sexual relationship. However,
they argue that cultural differences exist: shortterm poaching is less among East Asian men
(around 29%), and under 30% for women from
Middle East, Africa, South/Southeast Asia, and
East Asia. Men seldom engage in long-term
mate poaching, with rates higher for women,
although there are cultural differences in effects
due to sex (i.e., Oceania shows minimal difference
whereas Africa shows large differences).
Those who attempt to mate poach tend to be
moderately successful at a rate of 65% or higher
(Schmitt et al. 2004, Table 4). Women are generally more successful at short-term mate poaching
than men (particularly in Western Europe; 90%
vs. 84%) but typically not significantly so, with
the exception of Africa that shows the reverse
trend (65.9% vs. 78.6%). The occurrence and
prevalence of poaching for long-term relationships is similar for men and women, with no
significant sex differences except for South
America where more men report it ever happening
(86% vs. 72%), and happening more often. They
also found that about 70% of the sample worldwide reported receiving someone’s matepoaching attempt.
Some scholars document minimal sex differences in prevalence rates of mate poaching, which
is in contrast to the abovementioned research
findings. While the literature on infidelity shows
men report higher rates than women, poaching is
reported nearly equally by the sexes. However,
women, but not men, may show a distinct,
increased interest in men who are involved in a
relationship. That is, Parker and Burkley (2009)
suggest mate copying may be a possible
3
explanation for women’s interest in mate
poaching. Their experimental evidence shows
men are interested in women to the same degree
regardless of whether they are single or not, while
single women are more interested in pursuing men
who are attached than single. By engaging in mate
copying, women are ensuring that the mate has
been “pre-screened” for quality, resourcefulness,
and willingness to commit to a family life, by
another woman. This finding does not imply that
men are immune from mate copying; Moran and
Wade (2019) report that men are more likely to
engage in mate copying when a couple is composed of a man who is more attractive than his
partner. This pattern occurs because men view the
woman in this couple as possessing very high
qualities since she was selected by this highly
attractive man. Finding and starting a relationship
with a woman with characteristics similar to the
woman in this couple would potentially confer
benefits to the male copier’s future offspring.
Costs Associated with Mate Poaching
Mate poaching is a form of mating competition,
and as such, it can lead to various forms of retaliation from the person who loses the mate. There
may be immediate repercussions for poaching via
violence or other forms of aggression. There may
be also a decrease in social standing, given one
has breached social norms around exclusivity and
relationships (see Sunderani et al. 2013, for
discussion).
The poachers who are themselves currently in
an existing, exclusive romantic relationship must
deceive their partner. They may lie or manipulate
their partner, keep themselves out of close proximity to the partner (e.g., “be away for work”),
establish their independence (e.g., “I need
space”), and perhaps increase their affection and
resource allocation toward the current mate in an
effort to avoid drawing suspicions of infidelity
(Schmitt and Shackelford 2003).
It may also lead to the presence of future infidelity concerns and feeling uncertain about the
future of the relationship. There are other costs,
too, such as feeling guilty, issues around
4
deception and lying, hiding the relationship, and
potential rejection by one’s family (Schmitt and
Buss 2001). Individuals who then form a relationship with the poacher (or person poached) may
experience feelings of jealousy, emotional pain,
anxiety, and sadness; they may face serious risks
due to these emotions such as intimate partner
violence and homicide (see Sunderani et al.
2013, for discussion).
For men, there are also costs related to potentially depleting their resources while engaging in
poaching behavior, especially if those resources
could be used more productively to gain access to,
and retain mates. Men who lose their partner to a
mate poacher face further costs, not only do they
experience the loss of a mate (i.e., the poached
individual) but also they risk losing any invested
resources. Misallocated investments may also
stem from the possibility of raising a child who
is genetically unrelated, if their partner is poached,
becomes pregnant, and then returns to the
relationship.
Both sexes face the increased risk of illness; as
one accesses new sexual partners, risks of sexually transmitted infections and diseases increase.
There is also an increased probability of partner’s
future infidelity, if they were successfully poached
in the past. Women face additional costs of potential unwanted pregnancy, as well as potential feelings of self-degradation, and concerns about
future infidelity (Schmitt and Buss 2001).
Reasons to Poach a Mate
The reasons to poach a mate vary. Schmitt and
Buss (2001) found several potential reasons, as
follows. First, within a long-term context, men
may be enticed by a woman’s physical attractiveness while women may be enticed by a man with
resources. Indeed, highly attractive women are
more likely to be the targets of mate-poaching
attempts and less likely to remain faithful in a
relationship. Women do not show the same benefit
of gaining an attractive mate via poaching
although men who are targeted by poachers selfreport they are physically attractive (Sunderani
et al. 2013). Men also report a potential benefit
Mate Poaching
of gaining access to a variety of sexual partners, as
well as easy sexual access within short-term mate
poaching contexts. Thus, sexual variety, attracting
a beautiful partner, and freedom from responsibility for men are considered short-term benefits
(Schmitt and Buss 2001).
Men do not consider receiving resources as
beneficial as women do, or consider gaining a
partner with the ability to accrue resources as
beneficial. Interestingly, the benefit of receiving
immediate resources was considered strongest in
women considering short-term mate poaching, as
opposed to long-term mate poaching. Women also
reported the additional reasons of taking revenge
on a rival and gaining an already proven mate.
Personality of Mate Poachers and Those
Who Are Poached
Schmitt and Buss (2001) examined various personality traits in relation to mate poaching. They
found that agreeable and conscientious (i.e., care
and think about other’s feelings) people are significantly less likely to be poachers regardless of
sex. Further, those who self-describe as having
erotophilic dispositions more likely to have tried
to poach. Individuals who reported success at
poaching generally are more sexually attractive
and lack sexual exclusivity. Extraverts and those
open to experience receive more mate-poaching
attempts, as do those who describe themselves
as being emotionally investing in a relationship.
Disagreeable, unconscientious, and neurotic individuals tended to accept mate poachers’ advances,
as did those describing themselves as mean,
unreliable, adulterous, masculine, and unloving.
A lower level of conscientiousness is associated with increased sexual risk-taking, as well as
perceived benefit of such behaviors. The lack of
empathy linked to being unconscientious, higher
disagreeableness, and disregard for others’ wellbeing may empower individuals to poach a mate
when faced with an opportunity and decrease their
perception of any associated costs (Mitchell et al.
2019). Indeed, Foster et al. (2014) report that
poachers tend to have more uninhibited sexual
attitudes and behaviors. Poachers of both sexes
Mate Poaching
self-report a higher number of lifetime sex partners, more lifetime casual sex partners, and more
lifetime dating partners (Arnocky et al. 2013).
Sunderani et al. (2013) report that men who
poach are better looking, taller, and have higher
cortisol levels, which is a hormone that has been
linked with impulsivity and extroversion. They
also have higher self-esteem, which may lead
them to believe they will be more successful at
poaching and subsequently more likely to attempt
to poach. They have higher criminal tendencies
and more of a cold affect (i.e., little concern about
others). They suggest that these characteristics
enable the individual to behave without feeling
empathy or facing moral objections with respect
to poaching. They also surprisingly found that
men with lower levels of testosterone were more
successful at mate poaching, which requires further study. In contrast, they found for women who
poach, the only important factor is that they are
attractive.
The dark triad of personality traits (DT) also
matters. Kardum et al. (2015) reported that the DT
predicts mate poaching experiences better than the
Big Five traits, which are openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. These authors report that the DT trait of
psychopathy and the Big Five trait of extraversion
are the most consistent predictors of mate
poaching experiences. However, there are also
noteworthy sex differences. The DT better predicts being the target of a poaching attempt in
women and being successfully poached in men.
Also, the Big Five traits better predict success at
mate poaching for men.
The relationship between personality and mate
poaching is small to moderate, according to
Kardum et al. (2018). Poaching attempts,
poaching success, and being the target of
poaching appear to be more strongly related to
personality than being successfully poached or
being the victim of poaching. They further report
that the link between mate poaching and personality are cross-cultural and similar in both shortand long-term relationships.
5
Targets of Mate Poaching
There are particular qualities of individuals who
make them more susceptible targets for being
poached. For example, tactics related to mate
poaching are perceived to be more effective
when the relationship where someone is being
poached from is long-distance, not committed,
about to end, or that is a dating relationship
(Schmitt and Buss 2001). The specific role of the
type of relationship within a mate poaching context depends on the tactic. Women are viewed as
most effective when they use tactics related to
emphasizing their physical appearance, while
men are seen as most effective when they emphasize their resources and generosity. In short-term
contexts, women are perceived to be most effective when they advertise, provide, and arrange
easy sexual access. Men who manipulated the
emotional fidelity of the existing male partner
were seen as effective at poaching, while women
who manipulated the sexual fidelity of the existing
female partner were also seen as effective
(Schmitt and Buss 2001).
Individuals who are extraverted and high in
openness (sensation seekers), sexy, adulterous,
or high in neuroticism are typical targets also.
There may be sex differences also. Moran and
Wade (2019) report that men are most likely to
attempt to poach from a couple where there is a
discrepancy in the attractiveness of the members
of the couple. Specifically, men are more likely to
attempt to poach from a couple where the woman
is more attractive than her partner, and men think
that a poaching attempt towards this type of couple will be most successful. The duration of the
relationship matters also. Moran et al. (2017) and
Moran and Wade (2019) report that for short-term
mating, men are more willing to poach women
who are more attractive than the mates those
women are involved with in a relationship.
Disguising Mate Poaching
Since mate poaching can have dire consequences
for mate poachers if their behavior is detected,
individuals may disguise their poaching attempts.
6
Tooke and Camire (1991) point out that men in
particular use a complex repertoire of deceptive
tactics to gain access to reproductively viable
women. Schmitt and Shackelford (2003) specifically examined tactics within the context of mate
poaching, first within the context of how people
signal an openness to being poached and then in
terms of disguising their poaching.
In the first part, they asked students (11 men
and 18 women) to nominate behaviors that they
think people perform while already in a relationship to let others know they are open to another
relationship. The participants were asked to consider behaviors one might do to advertise an interest in short- and long-term relationships. Then,
they asked students (26 men and 46 women) to
rate the effectiveness of the behaviors in signaling
interest in a new relationship. They found the
most effective tactics for men seeking a shortterm relationship were to enhance the potential
mate (e.g., boost her ego, compliment her, tell
her she deserves someone better), use humor,
and be generous (e.g., show they are caring,
polite, helps her with work or chores), while for
women, it was arranging and providing easy sexual access, and enhancing the potential mate. For
men, seeking a long-term relationship effective
tactics were the same, while for women, it was
to develop emotional closeness (confide in him,
try to be a good friend, discuss mutual interests),
mention they are looking for a replacement mate,
and being generous.
In the second part, they again used an act
nomination approach and asked students
(20 men, 37 women) to list ways people disguise
mate-poaching attempts for short- and long-term
relationships. The poachers were stated to currently be in a relationship and who are attempting
to disguise their actions in order to maintain that
relationship. Then, another group of students
(36 men and 44 women) rated the effectiveness
of the tactics. The results indicated that the
most effective ways to disguise mate-poaching
attempts by men are as follows: talk with current
partner about their future together as a family, pay
closer attention to their current partner, keep constant watch on their current partner to see if they
have suspicions, have deep emotional talks with
Mate Poaching
their current partner, spend more quality time with
the current partner, pretend one is happy with the
current partner, spend less time away from the
current partner, tell the current partner he is satisfied with their relationship, and do not discuss the
new partner with anyone.
The researchers also examined what the most
effective ways for women to disguise their
poaching attempts are. Like men, many of these
tactics are oriented toward their current romantic
partner, such that they are attempting to maintain
that relationship. The tactics are: maintain her
daily routine to avoid causing suspicion, do not
change her physical look, always return home at
same time each day, wear her relationship (e.g.,
wedding, engagement, promise) ring all the time,
do not discuss the new partner with anyone,
become more romantic with the current partner,
attend fewer parties so as to be seen less, have sex
more often with the current partner, rekindle the
romance of the current relationship, and do not act
like anything is different.
The authors also examined how many of these
actions are also effective for men and women to
keep their social community from knowing they
are engaged in mate poaching (Schmitt and
Shackelford 2003). However, while there is
overlap in some tactics, there are also tactics
that seem specifically oriented toward hiding
information about the mate poaching from
one’s social community. For men, the most effective ways are as follows: do not discuss the new
partner with anyone, keep a constant watch on
the current partner, think before he speaks in
public, have deep emotional talks with the current partner, spends less time away from the
current partner, behave affectionately toward
the current partner, talk with the current partner
about their future together as a family, pretend he
is happy with the current partner, and get the
current partner pregnant.
A similar list was obtained for women; the
most effective ways for women to disguise their
poaching attempts are as follows: maintain her
daily routine, do not change her physical look,
always return home at same time each day, do
not act like anything is different, keep her conversation routine and not talk about what is really
Mate Poaching
going on in her life, never tell anyone about her
new partner, keep the current partner sexually
satisfied, wear her relationship ring all the time,
behave affectionately toward the current partner,
and rekindle the romance of the current
relationship.
Schmitt and Shackelford (2003) concluded
that overall, women are most effective at mate
poaching when they advertised or provided sexual
intimacy and discounted improvements in physical appearance. Women were seen to be most
effective at disguising their mate poaching when
maintaining daily routines. For men, the most
effective tactics are when they advertised their
resources and used tactics related to establishing
an emotional connection. The best disguise for
men was when they talked to their current partner
about their future together as a family.
Some of these findings have been recently
replicated. For example, Moran and Wade
(2017) performed a two-part study. In study 1,
they asked heterosexual men to nominate acts
they would use to mate poach someone specifically for a short-term relationship. In study 2, men
and women reported which of those acts would be
most effective. The most effective acts were
spending time together, being attentive, being
compassionate, helping her with her problems,
and complimenting her. The authors propose
these acts, when performed by men, signal altruism and emotional commitment, which women
prefer in mates.
Relationships Outcomes
Despite the volume of research on mate poaching,
there has been a dearth of investigation into the
quality of relationships involving poached individuals. Two studies are worth noting, though,
that address this issue.
Foster et al. (2014) examined the relationship
quality of 138 heterosexual young adults over a
10-week period. They reported that poached individuals perceive potential relationship alternatives
to be higher in quality and have more infidelity in
their current relationship than non-poached individuals. Poached individuals are less committed
7
to their current relationship and less satisfied overall, as compared to those who were not poached.
Belu and O’Sullivan (2018) extended this prior
work by examining a variety of issues related to
relationship quality in 675 heterosexual adults,
which included a specifically solicited sample of
those with mate poaching experience. They report
individuals in romantic relationships formed by
poaching rated their relationships as having lower
satisfaction, commitment, and trust, higher jealousy, and higher rates of emotional and sexual
infidelity compared to those in non-poached relationships (Belu and O’Sullivan 2018; largely replicating Foster et al. 2014). Further, those who
were poached compared to those who did the
poaching also rated their current relationship as
lower in commitment (Belu and O’Sullivan
2018). The link between poaching and relationship quality is influenced by sociosexuality.
Poachers tend to have more permissive and less
restrictive views of sexual behavior, and require
less commitment which is often the cornerstone of
exclusive relationships. Thus, is it not surprising
that mate poachers have an increased probability
of engaging in an infidelity while in a relationship
(Belu and O’Sullivan 2019).
Sexual Versus Emotional Mate Poaching
One area for future research may be to further
investigate how mate poaching may occur in sexual versus emotional contexts. Research into infidelity has typically examined it in terms of
whether the behaviors relate to sexual infidelity
or emotional infidelity. Mitchell et al. (2019)
extended this work by examining sexual versus
emotional mate poaching. They report that mate
poachers who engaged in sexual intimacy with
their poached partner differed the most from
those who did not poach their current partner on
several dimensions, including higher antagonism,
disinhibition, risk-taking, and lower humility and
honesty. They further documented that men who
engaged in sexual intimacy with their poached
partner reported higher levels of detachment,
antagonism, disinhibition, psychopathy, and
lower levels of conscientiousness, humility, and
8
honesty. The authors suggest that this combination of traits may allow a mate poacher to maintain
a physical relationship with an already partnered
individual because it includes a willingness to
deceive and manipulate others for personal gain,
and the discounting of potential costs.
For comparison, men who engaged in emotional mate poaching still reported high levels of
antagonism, disinhibition, and ethical risk-taking,
and lower scores for humility and honesty than
non-poachers. However, their scores were lower
for ethical risk-taking than men who engaged in
physical mate poaching. The researchers propose
that the differences between the two poaching
groups may be due to seeking alternative paths
to poaching. That is, men who engage in emotional mate poaching may be attempting to establish a romantic bond with trust rather than sexual
access. Women, for comparison, did not demonstrate as many differences between the two forms
of poaching as men, and most of the traits were not
exhibited as strongly as men.
Conclusions
In this entry, we briefly reviewed the extensive
literature on mate poaching. Our review started
with issues surrounding differences in definitions of the behavior, and how it is distinct
from other forms of romantic attraction. We
then discuss prevalence, showing that there is
cross-cultural variation in mate poaching, but
also differences according to an individual’s
sex and according to whether one examines any
poaching experiences or frequent experiences.
The considerable costs associated with mate
poaching were reviewed, followed by a discussion about the potential benefits one may
receive. We then shifted our focus to present an
overview of some of the findings about personality of those involved in mate poaching relationships, as well as characteristics of targeted
individuals. Research on how mate poaching
may be disguised was reviewed, along with
details about some of the tactics men and
women are thought to use. We presented the
small body of research on the outcomes of
Mate Poaching
relationships that started with one individual
being poached. We then ended our review with
an example of an area for future research, which
is the examination of mate poaching along sexual versus emotional lines, akin to the large corpus of work on infidelity. Collectively, our
review demonstrates the variety of ways mate
poaching has been explored using the lens of
evolutionary psychology and how the topic has
changed in scope over time.
Cross-References
▶ Personality and Mate Poaching
▶ Costs and Benefits of Mate Poaching
▶ Use of Mate Retention Strategies
References
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Belu, C. F., & O’Sullivan, L. F. (2018). Why find my own
when I can take yours?: The quality of relationships
that arise from successful mate poaching. Journal of
Relationships Research, 9(e6), 1–10.
Belu, C. F., & O’Sullivan, L. F. (2019). Once a poacher
always a poacher? Mate poaching history and its association with relationship quality. The Journal of Sex
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Mate Poaching
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