Sitting here staring at the screen I struggle to keep my eyes open or to conceal just how exhausted I
am. I have no real reason to be so wiped out. I have been back at work for a few weeks now, getting
back into the flow has been no problem but starting up I have very little to do. I work as an engineer
in the subsea oil industry. I previously did it for 5 years but was made redundant, but the market has
improved now and some of the employees that were let go have returned. The word round the
water cooler seems to be that we as a company are incredibly busy and everyone is rushed off their
feet. That would be nice but is not the case for me. I have been assigned a project, but it is early days
and not yet time for me to contribute in any meaningful way. I've done what I can and continually ask
for more tasks, but they take next to no time at all and I'm back to sitting here with nothing to do.
Apparently, I'm too efficient, the workload I am giving is meant to keep me busy a lot longer than it
does. The tiredness is as much from boredom as it is sleep deprivation.
A have attempted writing several autobiography's over the years, the first was when I was around 18
and I was a weapons engineer in the Royal Navy. I was bored and had a computer, so I just started
writing one day. It was by no means complete but I shared it with my friends and they thought it was
funny and entertaining. I hadn't set out to make a humorous book but that was just how it came out.
At the time I used humour to deal with things, I was unhappy, drinking too much and used sarcasm
and wit to take the edge off. I didn't finish my biography though, one of my sisters borrowed my
laptop for her university work and found it. She did not find it as amusing as my friends as it was not
too complimentary about certain people that she is very fond of, me not so much. She showed it to
those people, who then took it to a solicitor, who then tried to sue me for deformation. I happened
to know the chaplain on the base who was also the legal advisor for the bases commodore, he made
it go away but when I retrieved my laptop the biography had been deleted. I tried a few times to
write it again but all my attempts failed and the book was no longer amusing and I couldn't get into
any flow writing it.
I left it for many years and then started again when I was getting made redundant. The work was
drying up and when the decision was made to lay me off I stopped getting any projects. The process
between deciding that I would be let go and actually leaving took about a year. That is a long time to
go to work every day sitting at a screen but not being assigned any tasks. There is only so long you
can browse the internet or stare into space. So I gave it another shot. I wrote the outline of my life
planning on filling it out with details at a later date, I never got around to it. I no longer use humour
as a tool and so to be honest it wasn't that interesting. I liked the idea that if anything ever happened
to me then there would be a record of where I'm from and what I got up to in case my boys were
ever interested. But here I am again, writing for the sake of writing with a good chance no one will
ever read it.
I hope my story has a happy ending but it is a little early to tell. I will just start at the beginning
though to be honest the details are mostly lost to time as there are few left alive now that were
around then. I grew up in Saffron Walden in Essex, I was the third child to Michael John Hill and
Susan Anne Hill. Michael was around 35 years old when I came along and Susan was around 28. Both
younger than I am now though it is hard for me to imagine it that way. Michael was from a strict Irish
Catholic household, His father had passed by then and his mother Kathleen lived around 20 minutes
drive away in Bishop Stortford. Susan's mother Ilene lived with her new husband in Harlow. Ilene had
married Frank several years before and was Grandad to us but still Frank to everyone else. Susan's
Father ran off when she was very small and left Ilene to raise Susan and her brother Tony alone. Tony
spent many years trying to track down his father but Susan wasn't interested since he had
abandoned them. Since this was a bit of a sore topic I have no idea if Tony, as he liked to be called,
was successful in his attempts to locate my grandfather.
To me my dad was the just a regular man, I didn't really know much about him. I wish I had of got to
know him better. I've heard parts of stories about him over the years and wish there were people still
alive to tell me more. He went to boarding school in Ireland and when he returned to England he
lived with his brother John. John was very keen to be good at Rugby and did reasonably well but
apparently Michael could have gone pro if he'd wanted too. He had no interest in the game but after
playing Gaelic football in school he had all the skills and the toughness to do very well in rugby. I
don't know what he studied but the only job I remember him having was a supervisor for a chemical
company. I thought about writing to them to ask for details but by then so many years had passed I
doubted anyone would remember him so I never followed through on it.
Michael met Susan while she was at college, I again don't know what she was studying and for the
most part she was a stay at home mum so there is no indication as to what profession she would
have been in. As I said I was their third child, We are separated by about a year. The oldest is
Natasha, then Samantha with me bringing up the rear. I don't remember much of the early years, I
doubt many people do. My first few memories are when the girls were old enough that they went to
school and it was just my mum and me home during the days. I remember the quality TV that we had
in the 80's, Button moon, Thundercats, Postman Pat, all the classics. I can't actually remember mum
being there, I just remember the living room. Thinking about it now I only have one memory of my
mum and it's not a very pleasant one. It's been a long road so far and I struggle to decide if I would
prefer to remember more or less of it. If I could be selective I would do some serious editing but I
think in general we remember the bad most times over the good.
I went to playschool when I was three, probably for no more than a few hours a day but it is a god
stepping stone before school. For years after I remembered my best friend from playschool, we
didn't go to the same school after so I never spoke to him again but I would see him around, not
knowing what his name was I never went over to say Hi, he was just this familiar face in the crowd
for many years. Playschool was in the local leisure center and I can still picture the rough set up and
remember the milk and nap times. I started school when I was 4, I went to St. Thomas Moore
Primary School, we had blood red shirts to remind us of St. Thomas and what he went through,
hopefully I didn't learn the reasoning until I was a bit older as that is a bit much for a four year old I
feel. Maybe not, my kids are around that age and they've been learning about mummification. I
started on half days as my birthday was very late in the school year so I was the youngest. It wasn't
long until I was in full time. There's not much to report about that first year. I assumed I learnt to
count and do the alphabet. I remember the posters in my room with the alphabet and corresponding
pictures. I loved my bedroom, I had ninja turtles wallpaper and it was all mine whereas my sisters
had to share. Though you could have comfortably fit my room into theirs 4 times over. That isn't to
say that their room was huge, mine was tiny. I'd be surprised if it was even as big as my cubicle at
work, but I loved it anyway.
The year passed without incident and during the summer holidays we no doubt went for a trio to the
beach as was our standard summer break. We would get a small cabin or a caravan with 2 beds. The
girls would share one and my parents would have the other. I would go to bed in my parents bed but
then wake up on a chair or sofa having been relocated when they went to be.
I'm not going to go through the years in detail because firstly I don't remember much and secondly it
wasn't that interesting. The only significant in class 2 was that that was when Alish O'rourke moved
to town and started at the school. She was my school crush, I never told her or made my move but
she was the love of my life, well the love of those 6 years. When I was in class 4 I had to split my
devotion between her and my teacher miss McDonald. She was new to teaching and only around 20
and I thought she was beautiful, it didn't make a lasting impression though as I can't picture her
anymore. That year the school system changed so when we finished class 4 we then went to year 4
and class one was then called reception.
In year 4 my teacher was the mother of one of the boys in the year below us, this meant we would
keep her for two years so she wouldn't have to teach her son. Typical that I had to keep my least
favorite teacher. I only had one fight at school and it was around this time and it was with her son. I
don't remember the fight or what it was about, I didn't even remember it that afternoon. We spent
every lunch time playing football, our class vs theirs so it likely had something to do with that. I just
remember being told off by the headmistress after. She said that since we were both on the chess
team we should have settled our differences on the board.
My mum started to get sick, no-one had known before that time that my mum had
neurofibromatosis, she was deaf in one of her ears but it had never been looked into. John told me
dad was never a big fan of mums parents because they had never followed up so she had this all her
life and no one knew. NF can cause lumps internally or externally. Mum had these internal lumps and
they turned cancerous. I didn't know what was wrong at the time, just that she was sick and then we
started spending more and more time in the hospital. Since you don't really know what goes on in
other households I just assumed this was how things were supposed to be. I assume at this point my
parents knew that it was unlikely to be a good outcome as our regular summer trip to the beach was
replaced with a holiday in the south of France. We stayed in a tent with camp beds so I actually got
my own bed that I could sleep in all the way to the morning. And I must have slept well because I
remember being told one morning that the whole campsite had flooded and everyone except me
was up half the night until it passed. We saw the sights, ate out in restaurants and visited the local
markets where I got one of those keyrings that makes sound effects and probably annoyed everyone
for the rest of the holiday with it.
Mum was holding up ok for a while, she started working at a wine shop in town, just a bit of part
time while we were in school. Then things started to go downhill a bit and she had an operation to
try and remove the tumor. I hope it bought her a bit more time because otherwise she lost the use of
her right arm for no reason. She handled it much better than I imagine I would. She wrote with her
left hand and taught herself to do everything one handed. Being a parent she probably just had to
relearnt hat skill. When my boys were younger it seemed you had to do everything one handed as
the other was usually holding one of them. But as she got sicker she lost her hair and started to look
like she was actually sick. She tried to stay busy and after she gave up work she still spent time
helping at the school a little bit, teaching children that were struggling to read. I think she must have
done this a bit before but I wasn't aware of it.
This is the time I have my one memory of mum. I don't remember what my sisters and I were doing
but we must have been messing around or something because I just remember my mum crying and
saying that we didn't listen to her anymore. It was heart breaking and definitely the last time I didn't
do as she asked me. Not that she was with us much longer to ask anything of us. She went to a
Hospice, though I didn't know what that was and had just assumed it was the same as a hospital. We
weren't allowed to visit her there and so I never saw her again. Dads sister Anne came to help out
and look after us while dad visited with mum. One night dad sat us around him and explained to us
that mum had cancer. The girls started crying instantly as I just sat there feeling confused. It was Sam
that then explained to me that having cancer meant that mum was going to die. The next morning I
was up around 6, dad was out and I sat with Anne. When dad came in he told me that mum had died
during the night, I hugged Anne so hard as he went up to tell my sisters. I wish I had of run to hug
him instead of pretty mum blanking him to hug Anne instead, a regret that hangs round with me now
even though I should let it go, I was only 8.
We were Catholics so being in the church for the funeral wasn't unfamiliar, we were here every week
without fail. Family and friends were gathered and I remember George fighting to hold back the tears
during his eulogy and I remember that the school sent my friend ben along to the graveyard with
flowers for a bit of support if I needed it. That is all I remember from that day, I remember the next
day a boy at school named David said he knew what I was going through as he had lost an aunt
recently, I felt a bit better at the time but the following year when I asked him how he was as it was
the anniversary, he had no idea what I was talking about, so I assume he hadn't really lost anyone.
Things carried on, as they usually do. It was difficult to keep track of where we were staying for a
while after that. Dad had to work and I think he might have started drinking a little too much wine
too. We would go to friends' houses after school, then stay the night and deliver us back to school in
the morning. The three of us would always be together but we would rotate between Sam's friends
and mine. Usually with the Dunn or Ross family but there would be others mixed in there. We would
see dad at the weekends and sometimes he would pop by the houses we were staying at but it felt
like days would pass without seeing him and then we would usually visit friends for at least part of
the weekend too. I remember the school giving us free hot meals and he wasn't happy about it
because we always arrived with packed lunches so he took it as them not thinking he was looking
after us properly.
This bed surfing wasn't sustainable and so we got an au pair, Arantza Perez de La Blanca Bueno, I
think that was her name. She was given my bedroom and I slept with dad. She was in her early 20s
and was from Spain. She was studying to be a translator and spoke about 9 languages. She also
always said Shit instead of sit which was incredibly entertaining for a nine year old. The bed hopping
was over and we actually lived at home all the time. It also let miss McDonald off the hook as Arantza
was the new object of my affections.
I had a friend that lived around the corner who was also named Sam. I spent lots of time at her place.
She lived in the same road as us, her grandparents had built a second house on the side of theirs for
Sam, her mum and sister to live in. I can't remember what we spent our time doing but I remember
they got me a dart board for my birthday one year and I spent a ridiculous amount of time playing
darts. Sam got hit by a car and it was touch and go for a while. I spent as much time as I could sitting
at her bedside. She pulled through and her biggest concern was that when she was hit she was
wearing a new pair of trainers that had flown off in the crash. Her mum had bought her a new pair
but she was focused on the pair she had lost. I went on a shoe hunt and eventually found them, they
were discolored from their time in the hedge but I proudly returned them to her.
I took a break from playing football during the lunch breaks and got heavily into chess. At weekends I
would compete in tournaments, it wasn't long before they were too easy so Luke, Johnathan and I
started competing in adult tournaments. I was really enjoying it until one tournament by the coast
somewhere. I was told the beach was just round the corner but I must have headed the wrong way
and got myself completely lost. I called my dad from a phone box and he called the police and after
finding a few road names were able to find me and return me to the tournament. I had missed the
rest of my matches and the other boys were finished so we headed for home. The next day in school
Luke told the teacher that I had got lost and she had such a go at me that I decided to give up on it.
Up until that point we used to play at lunch in a club I started, I played in the library after school in a
club there and I did the tournaments but I just stopped, a bit of an overreaction from me but I felt
Luke had betrayed me running straight to teacher to tell her about me. I didn't go back to the
football at lunch either, I just started hanging out with Veronica and we would walk round the field
talking during the breaks.
I had lots of friends in school but other than Alish I hadn't given any thought to girlfriends. Suddenly
it was the done thing to have a girlfriend so I agreed I would go out with Olivia. Her and her friends
planned the date in detail, we were meant to go for a picnic but we never did it. I wasn't that
interested in her and I think she felt the same about me but if asked we were going out. We just
never hung out or spoke to each other. With the exception of catching Alish on occasion when we
played chase or something I didn't have any contact with her. I think Veronica was quite keen on me
but the feelings weren't reciprocated so there was no romance to speak of.
I never really had any birthday party's growing up. My birthday was during the school holidays so we
were either away somewhere or my friends would have been away. I still got a cake and some
presents but no party with friends. My sisters did as their birthdays are in April and November, Sam
usually had a joint party with her best friend as their birthdays were pretty close together. I really
enjoyed going to my friends birthday parties and one stands out. My best friend at the time was Ben
Earl. His parents were famous opera singers and I once met Pavarotti in their bungalow. I spent a fair
bit of time at bens house and my sisters started making fun of me because if I didn't like dinner and
dad said I had never had it before I would say that I had, at Bens house. Which I had, they had a bit
more of a varied meal plan than we generally had. I don't think dad had ever cooked before mum
died so he was learning by doing. Anyway, Ben had a swimming pool in his garden, I was a terrible
swimmer, we had lessons once a week at the local leisure center but I was by far the worst. I
struggled to find my way back to the surface on several occasions and was made to go deeper and
deeper until I managed my 10M badge with all the other children standing on the pool edge
watching. I liked playing in the pool but at Bens I would always stay in the shallow end. During his
birthday party I slipped on the incline from the shallow end to the deep end. I wasn't under for very
long before Bens dad dived in to get me and literally threw me out of the pool, landing nicely in a
chair at the pool side. I doubt that was his intention but after the initial shock of nearly drowning it
seemed pretty cool.
My Grandmother on my father's side was very Irish Catholic. Our presents would usually be crosses,
rosaries or bibles. It wasn't very enjoyable when we went to go visit her. She lived in one of those old
people flats where staff check in from time to time to make sure you are ok. There were never any
toys or anything to do so we always preferred it when we got to visit my mums parents. They were a
lot more active and fun and we would go to pubs or working men's clubs. Grandad would usually give
us a bit of money too which is always a plus. They were Granny and Grandad and Dads mum was
Grandma. I'm not sure how old Grandma was but she seemed pretty old and was always telling us
stories with lessons. The main one I remember is about a little mouse that was helping his mum bake
cakes in the kitchen. The mummy mouse had to go and help the little mouse's brothers and sister so
left him alone in the kitchen to look after the cakes. The little mouse ate all the cakes while the
mummy mouse was out of the kitchen. When the mummy mouse returned she found the little
mouse had eaten all the cakes and died, so don't be greedy or you will die. Lovely. It wasn't long after
mum died that grandma passed away also. It was also from cancer though at her age it was likely just
one of many things. I assume we went to the funeral but I can't remember it. To be honest all the
funerals blur into one after a while.
Uncle John and his wife Bernice had been struggling to conceive so had started trying IVF. It took a
couple of attempts but eventually they got pregnant. Thomas was born with many difficulties and
only survived for a week before he passed away. It was strange, I had never met him but his death
was harder for me than any of the others. I remember dad telling me one morning when I was in the
upstairs hallway. I was so upset and burst into tears and was inconsolable for a long time. I had never
met him and had not seen Bernice while she was pregnant but I guess it was he thought that dying
wasn't just for old people and that babies could die too. It could affect anyone at any time, you could
nearly die getting hit by a car like my friend Sam, you could be born dying, or you could just get sick
and die. They lived in Somerset so we headed over for the funeral. It was a small village church and
was packed to capacity. It was the kind of village where everyone knew everyone and everyone's
business. It was probably very nice for Bernice to have everyone around her and know they all cared
but there were few people I knew there so it was just a sea of strangers and was a little
overwhelming.
We hadn't spent much time in Somerset before but we started splitting our school holidays between
there and Bexley where Anne lived. Dad had to work but Anne didn't work and although John and
Bernice both worked they made time to look after us or we would go to Bernice's parents Olga and
George that lived close by. I much preferred going to Somerset than to Bexley. Bernice doted
affection on my and I think I became a bit of a substitute for Thomas. The had an otterhound which I
loved to cuddle and take for walks. I have always been an early riser so I would take the dog out to
the woods across the road and walk for an hour or so before anyone else was even awake. We had a
great bond and it's making me a little sad that I can't remember his name. we would lie on the floor
together and I would use him as a pillow. He would sleep in my bed and even when he got really old
and didn't go upstairs anymore he would still fight his way up there to sleep with me when I came to
visit. Anne who was also married to a John, just to keep it confusing a bit, also had a dog, a
Doberman named Chase, which was fun to play with and I took him for walks but he wasn't the kind
of dog to cuddle with. We didn't have any kind of special bond and he even attacked me a couple of
time but John taught me to stick my fist in his mouth so he couldn't close his mouth and bite me. I
think in general Dobermans only listen to one person and that is their main owner.
I didn't like going to Anne and Johns, they had twin boys who were about ten years older than me
and a daughter who I think was a couple of years older. I liked James and Lewis but they were rarely
home and Francesca didn't live at home anymore. She Lived just down the road and had a baby girl
Monica with I believe some Army guy that was no longer in the picture and she was now with a new
guy who's family had lived down the road for years. John was a functional alcoholic and Anne just
never seemed very fond of me. Her boys were outgoing lads and I was more reserved and I don't
think she thought much of me.
I wasn't particularly unhappy but I missed my mum. I started making poisons out of anything in the
house I thought might kill me. Bathroom cleaner, toilet bleach and anything I could lay my hands on. I
never drank them but I remember making quite a few of them. I wanted to be with my mum again
but at the same time I didn't want to leave my dad. I had been sleeping in my dad's ben for a while
now as Arantza had my bed, as I was getting older it felt a bit strange to be sleeping in the same bed
so I started making a little ebbed on the floor and sleeping there instead. I wasn't doing it for very
long before dad gave me my room back, Arantza had his room and he started sleeping in the sofa
bed in the dining room.
I think we were all happy for a time. It seemed stable enough, we had our routine. The girls had
started secondary school already and it was soon my turn. I considered going to a different one that
was further away but decided in the end to go to the local one. My class split fairly evenly between
the two schools. There was a dance towards the end of the school year to mark the occasion. I was
no longer going out with Oliva, we hadn't broken up or anything we had just forgotten about it.
Girlfriends weren't the main topic of conversation anymore and I hadn't given it anymore thought. It
was actually Olivia's best friend Lottie that I spent the entire dance with. We weren't really friends
and had barely spoken in our time at school. When in class we were sorted into tables based on
intelligence and I had always been on the top table and she was on the second tier. I spent most of
my breaks with Veronica, she wasn't on the top table either but it was basically her and my table that
I had any contact with. Well them and Ben, he was much more into art than academics so he was on
one of the lower tables. We didn't hang out much at school just on weekends, it was the same with
Tim actually, mostly hanging out outside of school. But there we were dancing away the whole night.
It made me want to become better friends with her but she was going to a different school and I
never saw her after primary school finished. I heard her older brother commit suicide the next year,
she struggled with it and took her own life a couple of years later.
As school ended there was an award for the best student. Sam had won it the previous year and
there was an unwritten rule that two people from the same family never win it so I didn't give it
much thought. Luke Hansen won and then there was an extra award which there had never
previously been and that went to me. It was a nice little end to the school time. The only thing left
was to get out little calendars signed. We had been given little leather calendar books as a leaving
present and we got all the teachers and our classmates to write in them. I forget what I wrote but
some of the girls were more imaginative with things like "remember M, remember E, put them
together and remember me" I guess it worked as I do remember nearly 30 years later.
I had met a couple of boys that lived in the local area but went to different schools, David and Daniel,
They lived next door to each other. David was the year below me and Daniel was the year above. We
spent our time riding bikes through the woods and making bows and arrows. There was some kind of
falling out between them and soon it was just David and me hanging out. It was fun at first but he got
very clingy and would turn up at the house all the time sometime at 6 in the morning on weekends.
There was a very steep hill into the woods and it took me a little time before I had the nerve to ride
down it. Once I had, it was my favorite thing to do. If you got enough speed up the momentum
would shoot you through the woods. On one occasion when I was there alone I headed down into
the woods going as fast as I could when another kid walked onto the path. I managed to avoid him
but came off the bike and sliced my hand open on a rock. It was pretty bad and my white T-shirt was
soon red with my blood. I couldn't ride but did my best to push it home while holding my hand
against myself. When I got home dad was out and Arantza did her best so patch me up but it
wouldn't stop bleeding so dad took me to the doctors when he got home. It needed stiches and the
injections hurt a lot more than the cut did. I was swearing like a sailor, my dad let it go but after told
me it was a one off and that language wasn't tolerated. I must have been pretty loud as my sisters
had heard it all from the waiting room.
I think I only ever swore one other time in front of my dad, and that was indirectly. There was a song
that went "Alice, Alice, who the bleep is Alice" I wrote out the lyrics but replacing the word "bleep"
with "fuck" dad was not best pleased when he found it. I wasn't in trouble very much as a kid. If I did
get into trouble I was sent to my room, which I loved as that was where all my toys were. When the
time would eventually come that I was allowed downstairs I would generally stay up there and keep
playing. I guess I did something bad at some point because I remember my dad picking me up by the
legs to spank my bottom. It didn't hurt but I had the good sense to pretend it did and must have
learnt my lesson as it didn't happen again.
Secondary school was a big change. For starters it was huge, it had its own pool, farm, sports
building, science building, several gyms and thousands of pupils. I had gone from being a big fish in a
little pond to a grain of sand on a beach. I had always prided myself on being clever but I was no
longer one of the top. We took tests to see which class we would be assigned to and I was in the
second class for everything. Although half my former class went to this school only two of them were
in my new class. Seb and Tim and I wasn't sitting next to either of them. Our form teacher was Mr.
Norman, he was a bit quirky and had a collection of ties with cartoon characters on them and would
wear a different one each day. My new love interest was Caroline, not that we hung out much but
we were friendly and I thought she was lovely. It was a weird year, a lot of changes. I found out that
some people in my class lived close by and would start hanging out with them more at the weekends.
I also found out through friends that Saffron Walden was a lot bigger than I thought it was. I lived
close by the edge of the town and I would go to the town center, I would also go to the far side for
school and that was where Veronica lived. To the other side was where the cemetery and the big
food shop so I had been out there but I had never crossed through town and out the other side. I had
never thought about it or even considered that there was anything in that direction.
The more I hung out with my new friends, the more tired I got of David and was starting to avoid
him. I was starting to enjoy school and feeling less overwhelmed. We sometimes played football on
our breaks or we would just chat on the field. At some point we started wrestling, I had never seen
wrestling so I was unsure of the rules but I held my own. On one occasion the school tough guy
Michael Darcey wanted to join in but no one would fight him. I said I would, I was by no means one
of the tough kids but I was the tallest in the year and I guess since I had never been hurt in a fight I
wasn't afraid as I had no idea of the consequences. Nut I didn't lose, not that either of us got hurt but
it was Michael that submitted first. I don't remember much of the specifics of that year and there is
no point going into details about the people that went there as I won't be writing about them for
long.
My dad got sick and we were back to spending lots of time in hospital. Initially Arantza looked after
us but after dad was admitted full time Anne came to stay and help out. Dad had Cancer, Lung, Liver
and a couple of other places. I didn't know at the time but he had been passing blood for a while
before getting it looked at as he didn't want to have to be away from us. It didn't work out that way
as he passed away at the beginning of the summer holidays, on the day before my birthday. Again
something that I learned later is that he was very worried that he would live long enough for the liver
cancer to make him lose his mind. There were people on the ward with liver cancer that would act
insane and pooh everywhere. He was lucky he fell into a coma and passed away in his sleep. We
were there when it happened and after kissing him goodbye we went to the family room. Not that
Anne had ever been fond of me but I don't think I helped things by trying to be funny to lighten the
mood. There was orange juice there which I enjoyed and had a few glasses before saying this kind of
thing could drive you to drink. I don't think it was well received. Dads brother John arrived later in
the afternoon. That afternoon a friend of mine invited me over for a sleepover. I probably should
have said no but I went over and we stayed in a tent in his garden. I didn't sleep that night, I was
thinking all night about what would happen to us now.
The next day we went to George and Lynn's who were sort of an Aunt and Uncle but not really. I
think George was the adopted brother of Grandma or something. We had some presents and cake
but the day was unsurprisingly somber. The previous year's my sisters had gotten bikes for their
birthdays and this year was my turn. I don't remember bringing it up but the subject arose and I
didn't get one so I could save any money I had gotten for my birthday and buy one for myself later. I
heard later that my dad was really concerned about not having got one for me before he was
hospitalized and Anne had promised him that she would get me one, which she did a month or so
later.
What to do with us. Anne was listed as our guardian in dads will but wasn't overly keen to have us so
it was up for debate after the funeral. The funeral was the same as all the others with one exception.
As the time came for the coffin to start it's procession out of the church Anne was too upset to get
up and follow the coffin down the aisle. I got up and walked after the coffin, leading the procession
alone with my family trailing behind. I think I have missed out a couple of deaths and funeral but at
the time they just seemed to be a regular part of life. I didn't cry that day and think I was getting
somewhat cold and closed off. I started doing the rounds to say goodbye to my friends. I didn't know
where I was going or when I would be back but next time I was around I would say hi. David was
really looking forward to us going to the same school the next year, I was glad we wouldn't be but
nothing else was settled.
Sam wanted to live with Anne and John and Natasha and I wanted to Live with Bernice and John. The
general consensus was that we should stay together. I wasn't present for this but Sam kicked off
saying that we has to follow dads wishes and he wanted us to go with Anne and John to Bexley. That
was the end of the conversation. If we'd known then what we know now we might as well have split
up at the time as all that followed was pain and heartache until we all split to different places
anyway.
We packed what we could fit into Anne's place and the rest of the things were sold or given to
charity. The house seemed so big when it was empty. Arantza hadn't finished her course yet so had
agreed with George and Lynn that she could stay with them until she was done. She was heartbroken
over dads death and it turned out that they had been in a relationship together. Sam wouldn't accept
that and called her a liar as dad would never cheat on mum. Mum and dad were deeply in love and it
hit him hard when she passed as they were happy just the two of them. They had some friends but
for the most part they just wanted to be together so when she was gone he didn't have anyone else.
I can see how something would develop between him and a gorgeous Spanish 20 something year old
living together. It would explain why her mum came to stay with us for a few weeks, I can't imagine
that is the usual arrangement with au-pairs, especially when the mum in question didn't speak a
word of English.
Moving in to a new house was weird. Sam and I were in the two bedrooms in the extension and
Natasha had one of the bedrooms in the main house. The extension had a little room that we used as
a living room so we had our own space. Most of the summer went getting settled and sorting out
schools. Initially we were going to go to the local schools, there was an all-boys school for me and an
all-girls school for my sisters. I was asked if this was ok or if I would prefer it if we went to the same
school. I said I would prefer that, I had already left all my friends behind, I didn't want to go into a
new school all alone. We had moved from the countryside to London and it was a lot to get used to.
We would now have to take a bus to Sidcup for school and in general the area seemed busier and
rougher.
On my first day of school I was paired with a boy called Dean to show me around. A bit of a bad
choice in my opinion as he was one of the tough kids. I had been at school less than half a day when I
was with Dean and his friends while they dealt drugs.