Issue 4, Lent (haha I wish) 1315
THE
DODO
Ye olde Dodo is still hanging on. As usual, we’re out late. About 700 years late.
Honoured Lord visits his Peasants
he vassals of
Peterhouse
were excited to
enjoy a visit by
good prince
Charles of Wales this
Lententide. The Prince was
coming to patronise ye new
Castle of Whittle, a gothic
stronghold set to defend ye
West Battlements of our
College of St. Peter. T h o s e
of greater seniority and with a
higher degree of honour in the
community greeted the good
Prince, while some of the
lower sort hung out of their
windows to catch a glimpse of
God’s own appointed heir to
the throne. Other monks were
hard at work in the library as
usual. Some idle members of
the College may have slept
through the whole event. They
may burn in hell.
In this Chronicle…
follower, ‘I saw him once in
the middle of the darkest of
nights, but St. Vic - who
must have been having one of
his holy visions - said to me
“Good morning” as if it were
the brightest of days.’
In other news, it was
announced that two Saints
were departing from this
world: St. Vic of Plodge and
St. Adrian Dixon of
Masters-Lodge.
St. Vic was renowned
for his amazing ability to see
light where no other man or
woman could. Said one
An actual sports
section (for once)
- Page 13
A Guide to livery
required for May’s
festivities - Page 3
!1
St. Adrian too has
been known for miracles. He
could withstand torture of he
worst sort, managing to sit
through the entirety of the
Freshers’ play every single
year.
We trust that St.
Peter shall look kindly upon
both their souls in their next
lives beyond Peterhouse.
Time travelling
report: See the
1627/8 buttery
book 300 years
before it exists Page 6
Letter from the Editor
Dear All,
I am very sorry that this issue
is out so late. I could take full
personal responsibility, but I
don’t think that would reflect
the truth. So please direct
any complaints not to me, but
to Apple Inc. (1 Infinite Loop,
Cupertino, CA 95014).
The Bible teaches us wisely
when it says it was an Apple
that brought suffering into
the world. This extract from
the New Very-Revised Version
of Genesis explains my
predicament:
‘And lo, the devil dressed in
jeans and a blue T-shirt, said
unto the woman, ‘Buy this
Apple Mac and use it’. The
woman saw its shiny screen,
handy shortcuts and elegant
aesthetics. She bought the
laptop and it did use.
Then the evil thing happened.
When the woman tried to
upload the Dodo template,
saved on Microsoft Publisher,
she found it was not
compatible. She reached for
her credit card, to buy and
install Microsoft Publisher onto
the aforementioned Macbook
Pro. But alas, she found that it
was not available.
The woman persevered. She
built a new Dodo template
using blood, sweat and Pages.
The work was long and hard,
but at last the template was
complete. And the woman saw
every thing that she had
made, and, behold, it was
good.
Then the woman tried to add
pictures and found that the
her internet had become
infected with a virus.
Thus on the 52th day of Exam
Term the woman did not rest,
but was cast into the outer
darkness, where there was
weeping and gnashing of
teeth.’
Yours computer-hatingly,
Eloise.
Lent Editorial Team:
Eloise Davies (Editor),
Stevie Hertz and
Paula Stuurman
(News) Tim Adelani
and Anna Bockmuehl
(Features), Jonny Fry
(Sports), Vinciane
Jones (Arts), Vanessa
Upton (Advice) and Abi
Scruby (Cartoons).
Corrections…
Anna Bockmuehl did not receive
recognition for her excellent
article on the Buttery Book in
the last issue. Finn McRedmond’s
vital role as News Editor was
also forgotten, and I have now
learnt to spell Mr. Meade
properly.
The (World’s Least Competitive) Caption Competition
Last
issue’s
winner:
‘It’s
usually the
legless
ones I end
up
carrying home. ’
Isabelle Davies (my sister - get your act
together, Peterhouse).
See right for this issue’s chance to win fame
and/or chocolate. Entries to emmd2@cam.ac.uk.
!2
The Dodo guide toWhite Tie
Advice on formal attire from Anna Clare Bockmuehl..
With May Balls fast
approaching, it seems a
good idea to familiarise
ourselves with the basics of
the dress code....
• White silk gloves
Men
• The peaks of the shirt collar
should be worn up, over the
tie
White Tie is unfortunately a
much more complicated dress
code than Black Tie for men.
While it's true that, renting or
buying, your tailor will know
precisely what is needed there are a few things you can
check yourself. Watching a
couple of Fred Astaire films
should help.
The Essentials:
Easy mistakes to avoid:
• The waistcoat should cover
one's waistband
• Top hats and capes should
be worn with discretion
• It is impossible to stress the
totally unacceptable nature
of pre-tied bow ties enough.
Avoid at all cost.
Hire is available from as little
as £65 for a tailcoat, trousers
and a waistcoat from local
• Midnight blue or black
tailcoat with silk facings
horizontally cut-away at
the front
There are, however, a few
important differences that
distinguish it from black tie
which you might not have
been aware of...
The Essentials:
• A full length ball gown dresses above the ankle are
considered inappropriate
• White silk opera gloves
• Flat shoes (these aren't
essential but are technically
the official footwear for
women - heels under an
inch high would come
under this label)
Easy Mistakes to Avoid:
• Trousers of matching
fabric with one wide or
two narrow strips of braid
down the side seams
• White plain stifffronted cotton shirt,
with white pique dickie
• White stiff wing collar,
sometimes detachable
• White pique cotton bow tie
• White low-cut pique
waistcoat
• Black silk stockings or
socks
• Black Oxfords (Court
pumps, with black silk
bows
are
equally
acceptable)
White Tie as modelled by the Earl of
Grantham and his family
dress-hire company,
Clermont Direct. For those
unable to acquire white tie for
the ball, black tie is just
about acceptable! Be sure to
wear
a
black
silk
cummerbund, white silk
gloves and black Oxfords to
avoid any faux-pas.
Women
For us girls, white tie is not
particularly complicated.
!3
Depending on the
formality of the event,
bare shoulders may or
may not be acceptable. As
our Ball has only specified
'Preferred' White Tie, it
should be perfectly
appropriate to wear a
strapless dress - but you
may still wish to wear a
small shrug
If we all keep within
these guidelines, it
should be difficult to go too
wrong. For those of you
attending other balls, Black
Tie is little different dresses should be below the
knee, there are no
particular footwear
guidelines and gloves are
not necessary. The rest is
left to your impeccable
taste!
PORter’s News
Our mysterious anonymous contributor is back to continue the Dodo serial…
Dateline March 2029
It has been five hectic years
since Lord Albert of Fen
Court became an MP and
then risen to the heady
heights of Deputy Prime
Minister under the leadership
of Lord Wossy of C4 (formerly
Jonathan Ross)
This steep climb to power can
be attributed to a series of
well- timed and neatly
executed
political
manoeuvres. The ‘Clip in
Time’ idea was demonstrably
popular, but it was the
experimental extension of
this, called ‘Hit & Hope’ that
allowed Porters unlimited
power of enforcement
(including random beatings
of students) that really
captured the public’s
imagination. Finally, the inevitable ‘What’s
Best for Cambridge?’ White
Paper outlining the planned
removal of students
altogether, thus enabling
wider tourist opportunities,
won huge support from all
sides including the
powerful ScudEmOver
Society (the famous
punting/drinking group).
They estimated a 500%
increase in tourism
revenue alone. This was
passed through the
Commons without
opposition but when the
Lords voted several
members complained of
extreme pressure coming
from a group made up of
retired porters who had
been given life peerages.
The Bill was passed
unanimously.
The Consortium, created to
promote Cambridge, came up
with the idea of offering
PhD’s as part of a two week
all inclusive holiday staying
in
old
student
accommodation. The vacation
would incorporate all meals
in Hall (every third meal
would be inedible), a Bar that
closed early every night and a
Theatre that rarely had
anything on in the
evening. To add that
extra degree of old
fashioned authenticity,
the gates would be closed
at 10pm with no access
after that. Trees would be
planted close to the
perimeter walls to allow
latecomers
the
opportunity to climb in.
The final qualification for
a degree certificate was
to learn how to stack
twelve text books in the
front basket of an old
bike and ride down
Trumpington Street with
no lights at midnight.
This fell into disarray
when the Proctors found
We’d better keep an eye on this
that a gang of Rumanian
lot…
waiters were pretending
to be Chinese visitors
!4
Bedtime, children.
and qualifying on their
behalf.
An assassination attempt on
Lord Albert took place in
Little St. Mary’s Lane as he
was walking back from a late
lunch at the Michelin 5 star
“GradPad” restaurant. The
assailant, a 90 year old
Emeritus Fellow, attempted
to beat him to death with
Albert’s own bowler hat not
realising that it was fitted
with the latest anti- terrorist
Taser technology. The Fellow
was last observed slumped in
the back of a Police car and
has never been seen again.
Albert soon became an
International celebrity with
the story of the failed attack
hitting headlines around the
World. He appeared on
various chat shows in the
USA, then rather like Tony
Blair in the 1990s, the
Americans took a liking to
him and his politics. Within
months he was in deep
discussion with the Harvard
University Police Department
and the America Tourist
Board.
For Albert and the UPU the
future never looked brighter.
What's the gym?
Cameron Saunders is a man on a mission to find out everything about Peterhouse’s new gym. So
he asks: what the hell’s in there? (EDITOR’S REQUEST: let’s just pretend it hasn’t opened yet…)
None of you were there at the start
of term, were you? You lazy
buggers. You were probably still in
bed. The gym opened its doors for
the first time at exactly 0630
hours, and it was just me and one
stony-faced porter stood outside,
with him jangling the keys in front
of my face and telling me to return
them immediately when I’d done.
Miserable bastard.
I must admit, I was a little
apprehensive to see what
incredible things the new gym had
in store for us. This gym has taken
forever to get set up, and I was
excited to finally get in there.
Writing an article on the new gym
has its perks - I was allowed to see
it early, and I did have sole access
to test out every machine, every
weight and every piece of kit I
could get my hands on. But
standing outside those doors with
my gym bag, I suddenly had the
overwhelming realisation that the
first perception of this room and
all the wonders it held rested on
me. On my shoulders. Big weight
to bear, eh? Better get in there
and start thickening those
shoulders up.
I put the key in the lock and
turned - time to get stuck in. I’ll
admit, it took me longer to find the
light switch than it should have.
But when I finally managed to flick
it, I was greeted with a beautiful
sight indeed.
I had a bit of a look around and
had a quick scan of all the
different pieces of equipment.
College has really splashed out.
They’ve got the latest Concept2
rowers, power racks, proper
bumper plates for the barbells,
and dumbbells which go all the
way up to the mass of a baby
elephant. We’re definitely going to
be burning the hall-potatoes off in
here. The array of machines is also
just astounding: cables, latpulldowns and all manner of other
weird and wonderful things. Two
walls are lined with floor-to-ceiling
mirrors, and the floor is fitted with
those foamy rubber mats you
seem to find in any fitness-related
building.
I couldn’t do anything but stand
there and gape in awe after
looking round. It was at this point
that I bumped into the man who’s
going to be overseeing all of this
equipment and the smooth
running of the gym. He stepped
out of his office at the corner of
the room and walked over before
crushing my hand in his, a huge
gap-toothed grin on his face. He
was utterly gigantic and could
have probably felled an oak tree
with his bare hands. He certainly
reminded me of one. A particularly
well-built Austrian, he’s been
hired by college and has extensive
experience in the fitness industry,
apparently being involved with the
Mr Olympia series of bodybuilding
contests. I only managed to chat
to him for a few minutes about his
apparent previous acting
background before he
unfortunately had to nip off to do
something. Probably to Morrisons
to buy some chicken breasts. We
were supposed to have an
interview but he insisted he had to
leave, telling me ‘I’ll be back’,
donning a biker jacket and
ducking out of the door.
The new gym is incredible. Words
cannot begin to describe the
feeling I had in the very centre of
my soul. It stretches out: an
expansive space filled with all
manner of equipment. Treadmills
and rowing machines for the
cardio bunnies. Innumerable
weights that are gleaming with the
dull sheen of iron. Motivational
posters of fitness greats lining the
wall. I’ll admit - I was impressed.
There was something for everyone —
here.
!5
Totally believable, right? Ok, so I
might have been overplaying it a
bit. We don’t have Arnold
Schwarzenegger in there. Maybe I
exaggerated the quality of the
equipment. I might have not been
up at half six in the morning. Who
am I kidding? I haven’t even seen
the gym yet - no one has. I was
commissioned to write this article
and go nuts with the endless
possibilities that could be present
in this fabled room. I could have
gone mad and told you that there
were going to be flying monkeys in
there and magical pills that would
help you to get shredded abs in 30
days (which - in case you weren’t
born with any common sense - let
me tell you is pretty impossible by
whatever method). I haven’t a
single clue what’s going to be in
this gym. But what I do know is
that we will know soon. The gym is
scheduled to be opened as soon as
we get some decent equipment in
there, and that’s hopefully going to
be in the very near future.
What do you say? I’ve been
misleading you? Look, all you gym
buddies can write in whilst sipping
on your protein shakes and
complain about me misleading you
all you want. I might not have a
review of the gym, and until it
opens none of us will know what it
contains.
But if you decide you need to see
the gym now; if you decide that
I’ve unacceptably upset you; I
mean, if you manage to make
it to the gym and can’t stop
complaining that your lungs
feel like they’re going to burst,
what I do have
for you is some
stellar advice
from no other
than
Mr
Schwarzenegger
himself:
Stop whining.
The Best of Ye Old Buttery Book
Tim Adelani does some serious historical research. JStor article forthcoming.
Having taken inspiration from Anna's article
in the previous edition of the Dodo, I decided
to look into the past of Peterhouse food. An
inquiry with our librarian lead to the oldest
buttery book available in Peterhouse to be
dug out of the archives and ready for peruse.
This book is one from the years 1627/8 and
here are some of its best bits...
4. Even fewer people in Peterhouse than
there are today.
5. Ever thought you could do with a little
more tongue in your life? Veal's tongue was
considered a specialty.
1. Mutton was the equivalent of today’s
potatoes. It was was served up almost every
day, but unlike today, there weren't two
versions of it available at every meal.
6. Tripe and sausages. What a lovely
combination of kinds of innards.
2. How do you like your Turkey Eggs sunny side up or over easy?
7. The total cost of one quarter of the year.
3. Lobsters. Back in the day, it was possible
to catch lobster from the Cam and serve it up
at Dinner the same day .
8. Salads. Rare to mention them, so this
must be a special occasion
!6
9. Can’t get enough of those Latin daynames.
11. Was the fish as good then as it is now?
10. Butter and buttered eggs. Almost as
popular a dish as mutton.
Cheap and Beerful
Rob Day makes the shocking discovery that the new bar is somewhat similar to the old.
The new Peterhouse bar is, as
would be expected, more or
less the same as the old bar
just in a new place. The same
great plusses, but with some
great new additions too. The
actual space of the bar is
much more inclusive and
friendly: no longer do you
need to don elbow patches in
order to get through the
melee of bodies to see your
friends. Ok maybe that is a
little bit of an exaggeration…
but the new room is more
spacious.
The inclusion of a projector
and screen was a nice
surprise, especially for sports
fans, and it just remains to
be seen whether Peterhouse
continue to show sports
events on that screen because
it makes for a great sporting
venue. The lack of windows in
particular adds to the feeling
that you’re in some dodgy
Irish lock-in at 3 in the
morning. Whilst this lack of
windows could also be seen
by some as a problem, the
remedy, in my mind, is
simply to put more things on
the walls so you forget that
they are blank and that
you’re underground.
best thing would be to see a
slightly less commonplace
ale: some HopHead from Dark
star or a Kernel Pale Ale for
example? I fear I may be
fighting a losing battle but
with the introduction of
cocktails last night my
dreams of new and innovative
drinks were kindled. The
cocktails were a great idea
and I for one hope they
become a regularity.
My continuing heartbreak is
that all of the beers seem to
have remained. The inclusion
of Doombar towards the
beginning of term was very
welcome but it’d be nice to
see another ale tap on (and
Coors Light either gone or put
out of the way). If this is an
impossibility then the next
All in all the new bar has a
great atmosphere. It was
awesome to see it so full of
people the other night for
cocktails and to have this
new, more social, space to
meet up in to enjoy time with
all your friends.
!7
Rob, out.
The Complete(ish) Rooms Guide
People get room points for writing about their rooms for us. Meta.
WSB
The rooms inside the towering
monstrosity that is the William
Stone Building are significantly more
delightful than the exterior. And for
the price – you would bloody well
hope so. The rooms are of a good
size, with lots of storage provided,
and the crucial element (that makes
you feel you are getting your
money’s worth) – the EN SUITE.
(You can wake up as late as you like
and know, categorically, that the
shower is yours. No waiting around
required.) The gyp is also large
enough to move in. Smiles all round.
Or so you would think. WSB looks
out to west Cambridge’s stretches of
flat plains. Higher floors have a
lovely view. But be warned! The wind
picks up quite a speed eight floors
up. Think windows and doors
rattling and an unbelievable howling
that has deprived me from nights of
sleep. The fact that it is ‘the tallest
building in Europe without
foundations’ is quite frankly the
opposite of comforting. Reliance on
the lift is precarious and it will
inevitably break. Your day may
suddenly get a great deal worse. So
the conclusion is clear. When
picking WSB, do not be a romantic.
Save yourself the sleep and choose
the lower floors.
Helena Raraty
Fen Court
The Fen Court refurbishment was
eventually finished in Summer 2015,
as the rooms ballot finally got
underway. 12 brave 3rd and 4th
years decided to take residence in
these hallowed halls.
Unfortunately the balcony bordering
room 14 is not usable for parties, as
it is locked. The rooms have been
converted from a set to en suite and
thus are sometimes in odd shapes.
For example my room has an
awkward walk-in wardrobe that a
claustrophobic would struggle with.
lectures. That said, it does look quite
like a prison from outside.
The showers are, shall we say,
interesting... In most rooms we had
to hug the wall to get any water on
our bodies. Some moaning got
maintenance to sort their lives out
and clean the showers. However
soon they started going haywire
again, to our dismay.
Joel Marshall
The staircase is echo-y, which can
be fun when drunk, but also
extremely annoying to others.
Similarly there is plenty of fridge
(and freezer!) space, but some
passive aggressive notes were left as
cutlery disappeared and food was
accidentally frozen. Harmony seems
to be returning though.
All in all, Fen Court has had its up
and downs; I am very pleased with
my palace though. Will the shower
heads be replaced? Will aggression
in the gyps lead to incidents? To be
continued...
Henk-Jaap Wagenaar
Little St. Mary’s Hostel
Little St, Mary's Hostel is probably
the only bit of college
accommodation that you’ve not only
never been to, but also never heard
of. From my room at the top of the
house there is a charming view of
the library roof or a floor further
down the library wall. The large
comfortable room is given a homely
vibe by the cracks running all over
the walls, and some interesting
discolouration that probably isn’t
damp. That being said there are lots
of cupboards and enough floor space
to swing a relatively docile cat. On
top of that you’re close enough to
the library to feel extra guilty for not
being in it. Despite all this it is warm
and comfy, there are two baths but
only one shower, although these are
in separate rooms. Overall I like it
here, it’s quiet and not too far from
!8
Gisborne Court
As with modern technology,
Peterhouse likes to use the prefix ‘i’
to signify superior quality. As such
we have I Staircase.
I4 in particular would be a happy
environment for any living creature.
Although NB: trying out other living
creatures there is not a great idea.
This spacious double set is definitely
a hot ticket (although maybe less so
when Finn and I take our hotness
elsewhere).
I6 (another double) gives you a lovely
view, onto what must of course
never be used as a turreted balcony
or you’ll instead have a nice view of
Warkworth Street.
Single rooms are also available.
Oh yes - H, K and L staircases are
also pleasant enough.
Some get very excited about H2
because it is the only double set
with an ensuite bathroom. And
apparently contains a green chair
donated by some strange Russian
character, of whom I know little…
Eloise Davies
Old Court
Very grey.
Rob Foxall-Smith
Fitz Street
Charming, if a little rickety.
Caitlín Milliken
It’s great. The top floor makes mini
people seem normal sized.
Ellie Myerson
The Whittle Building
Like staying at a Travel Lodge but
paying for a Hilton.
James Hughesman
Cupids and Stupids
Crack out the oohs and ahhs (or a sick bowl, according to your tastes): we’ve collected
some of the best of this year’s college proposal crop.
Young love
My college
husband
and I claim
the dubious
honour of
being the
first married/engaged couple in
our year at Peterhouse. Our
sacred bond was formed when I
drunkenly said to him, “Well, I
am going to have to marry you
because you aren’t a NatSci.” He
equally drunkenly replied “Ok.”
Not exactly romantic, but at
least I am friends with him
unlike some other early
proposers who haven't seen
their spouses since the first two
week of Michaelmas… Preproposal out the way, I then
managed to convince my
husband he needed to make a
gesture and have a full scale
proposal, after some
complaining about female
equality (‘why should I have to
just because I’m a man?’) and
hadn’t I already proposed to
him, he wrote me a cute letter
and gave me some flowers
(which may or may not have
been weeds stolen from the Deer
Park). It wasn’t on the scale as
some of the other proposals but
was rather nice.
Elizabeth Lloyd and Christopher
Masterman
A horror story
Nothing screams romance like
proposing to your college wife
during Halloween, so I decided
to do so during the Halloween
Super Hall. I sought the help of
my fellow learned friend,
Harriet, to purchase a ring (or
five) from a miscellaneous
accessories shop (because I
have zero trust in my taste for
rings). The extra rings provided
an element of choice, and also
allowed me to engage in the
business of supplying rings for
subsequent marriage proposals
(I have facilitated two couples
with their proposals thus far, I
really need to start charging for
this). During the Super Hall
itself, I had to find a suitable
timing to pop the question, and
the easiest way to do so was to
penny Fiona multiple times to
get her to excuse herself
temporarily. I had to ask her to
re-enter the hall three times in
total in order to assemble the
‘crew’, namely the wedding
announcer and the wedding
photographer (Natasha). Being
the badasses we were, we
completely forgot the rule of not
doing anything ‘outrageous’ in
the presence of fellows, and I
guess proposing in front of them
was considered ‘outrageous’,
coupled with a flashy
photoshoot. We ended up
getting chided by one of the
servers, and now we have a
perfectly embarrassing story to
tell our kids in the future.
Aiden Ang and Fiona Cary
Tying the literal knot
Once upon a time, in a land
fairly close by, there once was a
prince named Akash who was
betrothed to a princess named
Abi. On Old Hallow's Eve, when
strolling through the forbidden
deer park, moonlight streaming
through the leafless branches,
he was ambushed by a herd of
angry trolls, who delighted in
causing mischief and mayhem
through the grounds of
Peterhouse.
Wrapped with toilet paper
Mummified and alone, Prince
Akash pleaded for help.
Suddenly, with a blinding light,
Akash's fairy godmother
appeared.
"Do not worry, young Prince
Akash - I will lead your beloved
Abi to you, for she is the only
one who can save you!" In a
flash, she was gone.
Back in the Terrace of St Peter,
Princess Abi had just returned
from the land of Sidgwick, when
she came across a trail of rose
petals. Confused, she followed they led to her door! On the
!9
No toilet
roll to see
here.
threshold, was a mysterious
note, that read:
Your help is needed, my lovely
mistress,
Come help your male damsel in
distress!
Fearing for her betrothed's life,
the princess then followed a
series of clues, that led her over
the sweeping plains of Old
Court, the JCR, into the cherry
wood and mahogany setting of
the library, through the dark,
gloomy recess of Hall and finally
to the Prince's chambers, where
a pair of scissors scythe was
bestowed upon her.
Eventually, she ventured into
the forbidden forest where she
found her beloved. Prince Akash
was free at last! Overcome with
gratitude, he immediately
proposed to the princess, who
gladly accepted and they lived
happily ever after.
"And that kids, is How I Married
Your Mother…."
Akash
Jayasekara
and Abigail
Scruby
Food for Thought
Alice Rogers has some tips for getting through the Exam term (or just general)
morning struggle.
French toast-doughnut style
It is 7.30am. You are barely awake, eyelids
drooping, with the overwhelming desire to just
fall back into the pillow and hide under your
duvet. You have no motivation to get up and go
to your lectures (unless, of course, it’s
b i o c h e m i s t r y i n w h i c h c a s e YO U A R E
RAVING). However, there is one hope – one
thing with the ultimate power to pull you out of
your slumber. Food. Although the odds are
against us Petreans when it comes to rustling up
something quick and tasty to eat (indeed, we
don’t exactly have the best tools for the job),
here are some simple but delicious recipes to
get you going.
Disclaimer: This does not apply to historians. You
have never experienced 7.30am and thus do not know
what breakfast is.
Breakfast toastie
This is probably one of the best things ever.
Heat up a couple of tablespoons of baked beans
(you can get resealable fridge packets from
Sainsbury’s). Layer 1 slice of granary bread in the
toastie maker, pour on the baked beans, sprinkle
on some grated cheese (and bacon if you wish)
and then finish with the final slice of bread.
Cook until the bread is golden. Like baked
beans on toast but überfied.
This Nigella-inspired
number is so good.
Cut in half an English
muffin. Soak the
muffin slices in a
mixture of 1 whisked
egg with a little milk
(and vanilla essence if
you are lucky enough
to own some). Place in
a hot toastie maker.
Cook until both sides
are golden. Sprinkle
with sugar (to create a
doughnut effect) and
drizzle with Nutella or jam.
Pimped up porridge
Don’t just stick to normal porridge. Slice up
banana and add to your packet porridge mixture
with a swirl of Nutella, and then cook it all
together so that the flavours diffuse into the
oats. Alternatively, make an apple purée by
chopping apples and cooking them in the
microwave in a mug with a little water and
sugar; add this to your porridge with a
sprinkling of cinnamon.
Banana pancakes
Super easy. Mix together mashed banana and 1
egg. Place spoonfuls of the mixture in the
toastie maker. Cook until golden and crispy and
slather with whatever you fancy.
!10
AND MORE FOOD…
But what if you need food in the evening? Fiona Cary’s here to help.
Thai Chicken Curry: serves 4 (rated
joint #1 meal by my housemates so far)
Price: about £3.50 per person
Ingredients: 450g packet chicken
breast, 1 red or yellow pepper, 1 jar
Thai red curry paste, 1 tin coconut
milk, 1 lime, ½ cup of rice per person,
Twice as much water as rice.
Method:
1) Empty the curry paste into a large
microwaveable bowl, cover with a
plate or clingfilm, microwave on high
for 3 minutes.
2) Add the chicken and pepper, cut
into small chunks/strips and stir.
Cover and microwave on high for 8
minutes.
5) Microwave on full power for 8
minutes. Remove the rice and stir.
Return it to the microwave on full
power for another 8 minutes.
3) Add the coconut milk and lime. Stir,
cover, and microwave on medium for 4
minutes.
6) Remove the rice and leave to stand
for 1–2 minutes and then taste to
check it is cooked. If it needs slightly
more cooking add a small amount of
water and cook for another two
minutes.
4) In the meantime, use someone else’s
microwave to cook the rice. Boil the
kettle. Pour the rice into another large
microwave-safe bowl, add the water,
stir once, cover with a plate and put in
the microwave.
7) If you didn’t cook both rice and
meat simultaneousl y, heat up as
needed.
Michelangelo Bronzes
Vinciane Jones investigates an exciting happening up the road…
Earlier this year, the
Fitzwilliam announced that
they believed two bronze
works to be by Michelangelo.
If this is correct, the
sculptures would be the only
known surviving bronze works
by the master. It may not be
exciting to you but it is to the
art world.
century, Michelangelo was
one of the few artists who had
permission to view
dissections.
information not usually
shared by the newspapers.
Apparently, another reason
why these are thought to be
by Michelangelo is the pubic
The style of the bronzes was h a i r ( w h o w o u l d h a v e
f o u n d t o b e s i m i l a r t o known?). According to Victoria
M i c h e l a n g e l o ’ s w o r k o f Avery, who gave the talk, the
artist consistently represented
them in a specific way, and
these two sculptures match
The main arguments which
up with his style.
support the claim are as
follows:
The research for these
bronzes is still on-going and
The sculptures were
the final presentation of the
connected to a drawing by one
findings will occur in July.
of Michelangelo’s apprentices.
The Fitzwilliam revealed their
The sheet on which the
discovery early to strike up a
drawing was found also
discussion and encourage the
contained copies of various
public to think about it for
e a r l i e r l o s t s k e t c h e s b y 1500-1510 and scientific themselves. What I find most
analysis has confirmed that interesting about this process
Michelangelo.
the bronzes date from this is the variety of disciplines
The anatomy is extremely period
that have been involved in the
precise; some of the muscles
depicted are only visible in a As a History of Art student I research, including doctors,
dissected body. At the start of was given a whole lecture art historians and scientists.
the beginning of the 16th dedicated to these sculptures What do you think?
in which we were given
!11
Review: Inherent Vice
Alex Laar gets in trouble with an elderly couple. Oh, and enjoys a film.
When I went to see Inherent
Vice some weeks ago my
fellow filmgoer and I were
initially put by the
Picturehouse in the same two
seats as an elderly couple,
who had beaten us to it,
resulting in the usual
awkwardness and much
subsequent seat-swapping,
and one woman even got a bit
angry with me. I thought she
wasn’t getting much in the
spirit of the film, which is
basically about hippies.
Thomas Anderson brings
from The Master Jaoquin
Phoenix in the lead role and
another soundtrack by Jonny
Greenwood. Phoenix is
brilliant: his face clad in
mutton chops and performing
a huge range of contortions,
he roams the film’s colourful
landscape in some
stupendous 70s outfits and
one long, continuing weed
haze. In this same state the
film takes us slowly from one
surreal scene to another - it is
worth noting here that these
and the film itself are
extremely funny. Joining
Phoenix are Josh Brolin and
(surprisingly) Owen Wilson.
Brolin plays a hippie-hating
cop who powers round the
film shouting and eating
chocolate-coated bananas,
entertaining us at first but he
wears this act out by the
film’s end. While elsewhere
Brolin is always quite good,
Owen Wilson is always
annoying. Here he redeems
himself as a dope fiend who
has faked his own death,
wears white dungarees and
verbally attacks Nixon rallies.
Something about Wilson’s
slow, deliberate delivery suits
the feel of the film and speaks
to its narration, a quiet
wheedling voice that tracks
Phoenix’s paranoias with a
husky accompaniment to
Greenwood’s compositions.
More remarkable than these
original tracks are his superb
song choices, which Thomas
Anderson lets run as long as
they last, dominating a scene
or bubbling just beneath it,
like Can’s ‘Vitamin C’,
providing a healthy and
much-appreciated double
!12
dose of Neil Young, which
only added to my ever
growing love of this film:
brilliantly dressed, looks and
sounds amazing, very, very
bizarre and indeed very
funny. One problem is the
pacing, very badly off.
Thomas Anderson worked in
slow, gradual in There Will be
Blood and The Master; here,
partly due to my seat
complications, I found myself
sitting in the back and
watching the audience, who
looked
distinctly
uncomfortable during the
midway scene when the sortof love interest, Shasta,
having disappeared,
reappears and disrobes. I
honestly hadn’t any interest
in her character or her
return, and the scene was
distinctly uncomfortable,
breaking the film’s flow, saved
here only by Phoenix. This is
a highly entertaining outing
by Thomas Anderson, one I
hugely enjoyed, but do
beware the dip in quality.
Verdict: ****
Not too much of a balls up
Jess Bullock tells of Peterhouse’s glorious win in the Netball League (we wish).
This year Peterhouse started
the season at the bottom of
the bottom Ladies league,
with few returning players
and a mountain of eager
freshers. If this were a cheesy
American high school movie,
we would now be sitting at
the top after a nail-biting but
convincing victory over our
greatest rivals. Sadly this is
Cambridge, not California. It
has, however, been a year of
firsts: our first win in over a
year, our first training
session, our first
supporters, and most
excitingly, our first every
foray into Mixed Netball.
happy to play wherever. The
returning years kept their
side up; Mel Etherton and
Jocelyne Sze Shimin were in
all places at once, Maggie
Polk became our Social
Secretary and Natalie Rickard
took on the duties of
Treasurer. The latter may
merely have been due to my
incompetence
with
spreadsheets, but was a
symbolic step nonetheless.
cringe-inducing chant,
Peterhouse performed well
against experienced mixed
teams, although sadly we did
not make it out of the group
stages. Simon Bill took
keenness to new levels, and
led us to discover that, yes,
there actually is a rule
against throwing the ball from
the floor. Jonny Fry made a
valiant effort against the
superhuman giants we
encountered, while
basketball converts
Duncan Stockwell and
Max Schinke were always
in the right position. We
also gained valuable new
recruits to the Ladies
Our new freshers arrived in
team, and performed far
October with unbridled
above our usual level
enthusiasm. This created
when drawn against topsome
amazing
tier teams at Ladies
moments on the
Cuppers. Emma Hall
Genuine picture of the match against Emma.
court, and at times
became such a
was even a little too
dedicated member of
much for me; their demands This is not to say that we the team that I began to
for training sessions were h a v e a b a n d o n e d o u r doubt whether she was, as
u n p r e c e d e n t e d , a n d n o t traditional Peterhouse ways. she claimed, just there to gain
entirely welcome. The superb We ended Michaelmas with a membership of the Cross
attacking combination of spectacular defeat to Girton Keys. As a result, I relinquish
Ailish Maroof and Harriet by three dozen goals. But, my captaincy, sad that I will
Codd ruined our friendship e v e r t h e o p t i m i s t s , w e not be around next year (but
with the Emma 2nds with capitalised on this to try out not that sad, because, like,
t h e i r s c a r y a c c u r a c y , some new strategies, with Paris), and excited to see
resulting in a 14:7 win, while Natalie at 5’ 2.5” tall making which direction the team will
Darya Keivani was at times a memorable trial as Keeper, move in next; was our Mixed
just scary in her motivational and Fran moving to Goal Netball adventure a crazy
outbursts and commitment to Defence.
experiment, or is it the future
marking. Fran Hawker
L e n t t e r m b r o u g h t n e w of Peterhouse netball?
repeatedly signed up for
excitement, as we entered a
matches in less than a
New recruits are always
brand new, enormous team in
minute, and did not
welcome; as may have been
Mixed Cuppers. After a last
disappoint with her dedicated
gathered, no experience is
minute training session,
keeping. Anna Bockmuehl
necessary
email
speedy application of war
and Alice Rogers were
jbmb2@cam.ac.uk for more
paint and our signature
versatile and wonderfully
information.
!13
How to win at Croquet Cuppers
By the First Croquet IV (Jack Lewis, Martha Hirst, Nick Friend and Lucy Mair). Or
- as some know them - a team that lost their first and only game.
The yearly Croquet Cuppers
To u r n a m e n t i s a n e x t r e m e l y
prestigious, invitation-only sporting
event, in which elite players rally one
another into teams of four in order to
battle it out to the death against other
college teams. Last year, I had the
opportunity to play for the Peterhouse
First Croquet IV and it was the most
delightful afternoon of my life.
And now, on to my top tips on how to
win at croquet cuppers:
First and foremost, consult the
croquet training manual that is in the
croquet stash box. This will have
everything you ever needed to know
about how to play croquet, including
excellent photographs demonstrating
correct technique.
Make sure you employ a well-trained
(and preferably famous) coach. The
best coach will have won the Croquet
Cuppers Tournament at least once and
so will be able to advise on how best to
prepare for the big day.
In a d d i t i o n to t r a i n i n g , d i e t i s
incredibly important (and could prove
to be the winning factor) so make sure
your
coach
is
extremely
knowledgeable in the nutrition
department or hire a certified sports
nutritionist.
When choosing your team, you need
to bear in mind the four roles that you
will need for a successful team. These
are: the sniper, an expert in longdistance shots; the tactician, an expert
in difficult shots that will annoy the
other team; the idiot, the one who
thinks they’re called bats, not mallets;
and the spadey one, whose main goal is
to distract the other team while they
are taking their shots rather than
actually playing croquet correctly.
Anyone who fails your rigorous team
selection criteria should be invited
along to your matches. It is important
to ha ve at lea st one permanent
supporter – one who does not show
promise in the sport but who would
make an excellent bench party.
Ma ke s u r e y o u h a v e w o n d e r f u l
matching tops. Since the Croquet
Cuppers Tournament will take place
during exam term, at least one of your
team members will be desperately
looking for sources of
Yay, now we’re
the Dodo stock
photo as well as the
Tab one.
procrastination, and everyone knows
that matching teams croquet better. It
is really a win-win situation. If you are
feeling extra fancy, you might want to
look into matching team chinos,
scarves and sun hats.
Ensure you dedicate enough time to
your training. Team selections should
take place in early Easter term, making
sure there is enough time to perfect
your mallet swing and reach peak
performance. For the more serious
athlete, you will need to be doing six
sessions a week minimum – four lawn
sessions, one core conditioning circuit
and one cross-training session.
On the big day, arrive early enough to
fit in a good warm up on the big day.
As a minimum, arrive at the lawn
fifteen minutes before the game is due
to start so you can fit in a light jog
around the lawn’s perimeter.
If all else fails, bribe your opponents
with goods from the bakery section of
Sainsbury’s. Although considered by
many to be an underhanded tactic,
forcing your opposition into a food
coma is one way to win a round of
croquet. It is, of course, imperative
that none of your team members
consume said bakery items – the diet
of champions is required to win like
champions – which may lead some
coaches to advise against this risky
game plan.
Lastly, contrary to common belief, in
croquet it is not the taking part that
counts, but the winning. Though
popular culture would deem it to be a
gentleman’s sport, croquet is highly
competitive. Know your croquet from
your roquet and swing your mallet like
your life depends on it.
!14
A Tribute to Peterhouse Sport
Emma Pickersgill celebrates the fact that at Peterhouse everyone has a sporting chance.
I am not a sporty person. Anyone who
has ever seen me play will testify to
that. I have no skill or aim, have
friction-burned through multiple pairs
of trackies because I fall over so much,
and spend half the match screaming
(whether playing football, badminton
or even pool). And yet, I am on
multiple Peterhouse sports teams. I
have represented the college in seven
different matches in one four day
period this term; three pool, one
basketball, two badminton and one
lacrosse match (and it
could have been
more, but football
was cancelled due to
the weather). I did
get called a traitor
when walking to
lacrosse, which I
assume was because I
wasn’t going to go
play netball…
scored a goal). Sometimes we do beat
the odds to win- at football the other
week, we managed to win 7:1, despite
being outnumbered 5:9. I was so
proud- I could actually go home and
tell people that I was a captain of a
match winning football team
(something I would have never dreamt
would have happened before I came
here- I had quite a deal of difficulty
convincing one of the guys I went to
school with that I wasn’t lying).
Some people are
embarrassed
by
Peterhouse’s lack of
Everyone gets the chance to feel like this at
sporting prowess,
with
us
often
I do have a habit of volunteering to
occupying the slots at the tail end of
play stuff, then realising that a) I really
the leagues (although we are meant to
should be writing an essay or
be good at some sports, probably ones
something that I’ve been set, b) That
I don’t play). But I love the Peterhouse
I’ve run out of trackies that aren’t
attitude to sport; that enthusiasm
covered in mud and friction-burned at
reigns over actual skill (although any
the knees and c) That I really aren’t
skill anyone happens to have is greatly
any good at that sport (or sometimes
appreciated) and anyone can have a go.
don’t even know how to play it). But
I love playing sport here (partially
that doesn’t stop me. Nor does the
because I’m too lazy to bother with
likelihood that I won’t even be needed
actual exercise when it isn’t in the
to play the match because enough
form of a game). I guess I am naturally
people will have volunteered that are
competitive, and always play to win,
actually good at sports. Yesterday I got
but that doesn’t mean you should give
an email a sking for someone to
up if a win is unlikely. Often I’m sure
volunteer to play for the badminton
our team is far happier at the end of
first team because they were a person
the game than the actual team that
down, and so I volunteered to play if
won (perhaps celebrating if we actually
!15
they couldn’t find anyone who was
capable of playing badminton without
screaming ever y time the shuttle
comes anywhere near them. I was
quite surprised when I actually got to
play. I got to play for them once last
year too, and I made a joke about it
being a sign of an upcoming
apocalypse- I’ve been looking today
and the world seems to be remaining
in existence. I’m not sure if I played
that well, but I’m hoping I was at least
better than being a person down, and
that the one game I
did win contributed
to the overall
victory.
My aim this year is
to reach the 25
room points cap for
sports, but that isn’t
why I do it. I play
sports because I
enjoy them. Being
here, particularly in
a small college (so
less competition for
Peterhouse.
places on a team),
gives you the
opportunity to try so many different
sports, far easier than it would be in
“the real world”. I know some people
just don’t enjoy playing sports, but I
would urge you to give a few more a
try (I hope that if I play enough, one
day I might find a sport that I am
actually good at).
So in conclusion; go sports! Go team
Peterhouse!
[*Subtle plug that more girls should
give football a try; it’s really fun much better than the version we see
on telly where blokes just run around
and fall over a lot - and I really could
do with a few more players*]
Agony Aunt
The mysterious Ms. Vanessa Hiccups, having flown back from solving some wars or some such in
the Middle East on her handy host of sparrows, is here to solve all your woes. And she’s even
made time to pose for Dodo cartoonist Abi Scruby.
Dear Ms. Hiccups,
Dear, Found and lost
The second term of uni has hit and
I have been forced to break up with
my boyfriend from school. Long
term relationships are really hard!
I’ve basically got over him and
everything, but I’m not sure how to
cope with all the attention now
that word has got out I’m single. I
definitely have the best Fresher
game and I’m scared of unleashing
my power. How can I contain my
allure?
Do Orienteering! Your friends will
appreciate it when they get lost. Also,
you will win all future scavenger
hunts.
Yours, Recklessly Glamorous
Dear Recklessly Glamorous,
If you are really intent on containing
your allure I would suggest frumpy
clothes, a permanent frown and not
washing for a while. No one will know
what you have concealed. If you still
want some action carry round an
pedestal with a light and whenever
anyone unappealing approaches you
turn off the light, hide under the
pedestal and shout ‘No Likey No
Lightey’. They will soon get the
message.
Yours, Ms. Hiccups
Dear Ms. Hiccups,
any difference, it might even make it
worse, but at least you will feel you
have paid for your mistakes even if
you refuse to actually pay.
Alternatively, claim you were too
drunk to remember, which you really
should have been to waste that much
alcohol.
Yours, Ms. Hiccups.
I have a pennying problem. If i see
an empty glass, a full glass, a half
empty glass, any glassware at all I
just have a desperate urge to drop a
penny in. I’ve had to turn away
change because I don’t have the
self-control to manage them. Agony
aunt please take my pennies away
from me! There have been too
many victims already!
Yours, Perilous unless Penniless
Dear Perilous unless Penniless,
Start a campaign to abolish the
penny. They are worth more in metal
than they are in the bank and then
there will no temptations.
Yours, Ms. Hiccups
Yours, Ms. Hiccups
Dear Ms. Hiccups,
Dear Ms. Hiccups,
I really love orienteering. Always
have, always will. Ever since my
first duke of Edinburgh excursion I
have dreamed of running around
with a torch hat and a compass
searching for flashing red lights. I
tried out the Cambridge
Orienteering society and it’s
basically a guaranteed blue, but all
of my friends laughed at me. What
should I do?
Yours, Found and lost
It was me. I ruined the Whittle
Building’s perfectly white floor, on
the night of the medics dinner,
with the red wine. How do I deal
with the shame?!
Yours, No.1 Most Wanted
Dear No.1 Most Wanted,
Sneak into the Whittle Building in the
middle of the night and scrub it with
a toothbrush. It probably won’t make
Cross-word
Dyspeptic (adj): ‘Having indigestion or a consequent air of irritable bad
temper.’
Owing to incompetence, laziness and Apple Inc. (see p. 2), the Crossword has had to go on
holiday this issue. The Cross-word kindly agreed to take over.
!16