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Dealing with Anger in Young Children
Your three year-old has a major meltdown,
hitting her sister, and yelling, “I hate you!”
Many parents respond by getting angry
themselves. “You shouldn’t act that way!
Apologize to your sister, you don’t really hate
her.” While most of us know this isn’t the best
approach, we don’t always act the way we think we
should. This is true especially when dealing with strong emotions,
particularly anger. Our primitive brain takes action for us before our
thinking brain has figured out what to do.
Children learn how to handle anger by watching their parents deal with
anger. While this can be a scary thought, it is an opportunity to help
children learn effective ways to handle anger and frustration.
Anger is a feeling we all have. It is normal for children to feel anger.
When they do, they often find it frightening or confusing. Parents need to
help children learn how to manage their anger and how to channel it in
positive action.
Ways to help:
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Recognize anger outbursts as your opportunity to teach better ways to
handle anger.
Don’t lose your own temper. Tell yourself, “I will not become a three
year-old, too!”
If you do lose your temper, say you’re sorry. This restores good
feelings and reduces resentment between you and your child. It
provides a chance to talk things over and discuss what to do instead. It
also teaches children how to behave when they make a mistake.
Watch for early warning signals in your child. Try to help prevent
major meltdowns by noticing signs your child displays such as getting
red-faced, speaking loudly, clenching fists, or starting to cry.
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Help your child calm down. “You’ll feel better if you take a walk with
me.” Distractions, thinking about other things, breathing deeply,
getting exercise and changing the way you look at a problem are all
ways to help children calm down.
Show empathy. Let her know that you understand how she feels. “It
makes you really mad when Ellie takes your toy.”
Set limits on behavior. “We don’t hit others, not even when we are
angry.”
Help your child figure out what to do. “Can you tell Ellie you don’t
want to share your toy?” “Maybe you could take turns?”
All of us get angry, sometimes for very good reasons, and sometimes not.
Keep in mind young children have less skill than you do in dealing with
anger and frustration. They need your guidance and positive role
modeling.
Learning how to fix the problem rather than break things or relationships is
a valuable skill for both adults and children. We can help children by
setting good examples, showing children we understand how they feel and
teaching them how to calm down and solve problems.
For more information read these books:
When Anger Hurts Your Kids by McKay, Paleg, Fanning, & Landis
The Heart of Parenting by John Gottman
Books to read with your child and learn problem solving:
I Want to Play, I Want It, & I Can’t Wait, by Elizabeth Crary
Revised: Diane Ryals, Family Life Educator, Morgan-Scott Unit
Editor: Patti Faughn, Family Life Educator, Springfield Center, Spring 2007
For more information contact:
Angela Reinhart, Family Life Educator
University of Illinois Extension, Champaign County Unit
801 N Country Fair Drive, Suite D
Champaign, IL 61821
217-333-7672
areinhrt@uiuc.edu
www.extension.uiuc.edu/champaign
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