Put the child's feeling into words. Identify with it. “You’re angry because Erin won’t give you the ball. When I feel angry, I have to calm down too.” Kicking, Hitting, Grabbing Toys -What To Do? Young children may become aggressive as they begin to assert themselves. It is normal for them to focus on their own desires, and they can have difficulty appreciating someone else’s needs. Learning how to express their wants and feelings with words and in appropriate ways is a process that takes time. Other reasons for aggressive acts may include: being rewarded (getting their own way) receiving attention not getting attention for good behavior no guidance on handling feelings or situations a way to relieve stress or boredom imitating or reacting to others’ aggression Adults can help a child learn that while everyone wants his own way, it's not always possible. One of parents’ jobs is to help a child learn acceptable ways to play and communicate with others. It may seem obvious to you not to kick or hit others but it’s not obvious to a child. It takes time to learn that others feel pain when you hurt them or how to gain control over our emotions. Say “Hitting hurts. Look at his face. He is hurting.” This helps a child develop empathy. Research shows that physical punishment can increase aggression and so can giving into a child’s demands. Instead, try these tips: Immediately remove the child from others (consequence for hurting) and wait till she is calmed to talk with her. Calmly explain that hitting is not allowed. Say “You may not hit anyone, and I don’t want anyone to hit you. Remind of the consequence: “If you hit, you sit.” Ask: “What can you do next time?” Give suggestions if needed: ask for the toy, tell them calmly how you feel and let them tell you how they feel, play something else, walk away, etc. Make it clear you disapprove of the behavior, not the child. Let him know you believe in him and expect him to do better. Show approval when he uses words (not fists) to express feelings, stops to calm down or listen to the other’s feelings. Model good behavior. Children see better solutions by your examples. Don’t expect preschool children to play without supervision. Tempers are still unstable at this age. Be ready to: Change the situation. Your child may not be ready to play with several children at once, playtime may be lasting too long, more toys or quieter play may be needed, or positive attention, hugs and fun time with you may meet the need. Tame the play. Don’t let your child get too aggressive during play. Be alert when voices stop laughing, start complaining, or facial expressions show fear, anger or distress. It’s time to redirect the play. Your love and guidance will provide skills to last a lifetime. Revised: Patti Faughn, Family Life Educator, Springfield Center, Fall 2005 For additional information, contact: Angela Reinhart, Family Life Educator University of Illinois Extension, Champaign County Unit 801 N Country Fair Drive, Suite D Champaign, IL 61821 - 2492 Phone: 217-333-7672 Email: areinhrt@uiuc.edu University of Illinois US Dept of Agriculture Local Extension Councils Cooperating University of Illinois Extension provides equal opportunities in programs and employment.