Philosophy 6
Mark Pursley
Fun With Fallacies!
1. Dear Professor: This was really a great course and you are a great teacher. I tried
really hard to write a great paper. I really need an A in this course so I can get into
the USC School of Business. Thanks a million! Sincerely, B. Noser.
2. My Uncle Wilbur smokes three packs of Lucky Strikes a day and he is 80 years old
and healthy as a horse. So don’t tell me that smoking causes cancer! Nico Teenfiend.
3. You really should join the Church right away. You don’t want to wind up in the lake
of fire, where you will spend eternity wailing and grinding your teeth, do you? Rev.
Helfire.
4. The Bible teaches us that the purpose of sex is procreation, not the enjoyment of
carnal pleasure. For, the Lord said to Noah, Be fruitful and multiply. He didn’t say, If
it feels good, do it! May B. Frijid.
5. The butt you’ve always dreamed of can be yours. Big Bertha’s Butt reducer is on
sale for an unbelievably low price, just four easy payments of $99.99.
6. When you play Stairway to Heaven backwards, you can hear the phrase Satan is Gay!
Therefore, listening to Led Zeppelin will turn our children into devil worshipping
homosexuals. Tipper Bore.
7. Raising children is like growing roses. Sometimes you have to break a few limbs to
promote healthy growth. Spank M. Moore
8. Only a fool would claim that the laws comprising the constitution could possibly have
emerged from a non-intelligent source. Yet many who call themselves wise claim
that the laws of nature are not the product of an intelligent creator. Harry Quichenah.
9. Environmentalists profess concern for their Mother Earth. But don’t they realize that
there are thousands of human mothers who desperately need our help?
10. Janet Reno argued that Elian should be sent to Cuba with his father. But this is the
woman responsible for the Waco fiasco, so her arguments cannot be trusted.
11. A strong military is essential for the defense of our national interests because you
cannot protect a country’s interests without military might. Major Warbucks.
12. The Shroud of Turin provides strong evidence for the historicity of the resurrection of
Christ. For, no one has proven that the Shroud is not the authentic burial cloth of
Christ. Hal A. Lu.
13. NATO intervention in Serbia was wrong. The Turkish government committed
atrocities against the Kurds and yet NATO did nothing to Turkey. Lefty Loser.
14. Apparently the Yankee and Rebel soldiers killed each other politely, since we call it
the Civil war.
15. Either you believe in God and the immortality of the soul or you must accept that
there is no basis for human morality other than cultural conventions. Dusty I. Diaz
16. You should have your baby boy circumcised without delay. Circumcision of male
babies has been practiced since the time of Abraham.
17. Kerry supporters claim that every provisional ballot in Ohio should be hand counted.
Apparently they won’t be satisfied with any result that doesn’t end up with Kerry as
the winner. Demo Basher
18. Henry Hyde called for Clinton’s impeachment. Yet, he had an affair that broke up a
marriage.
19. Some say we need sobriety checkpoints to apprehend drunk drivers. What’s next?
Two drink maximums at the local pub? Bars made to close at ten? Government
cameras in every home, recording our every move? DAMM (Drunks Against Mad
Mothers).
20. You really should check out the new PT Cruiser by Chrysler. Legendary blues
guitarist Blind Willie Johnson says it is a hot looking car.
21. Eighty percent of teens who listen to Marilyn Manson are pessimistic about the
future. We should not allow our kids to listen to such depressing music.
22. The AMA reports that a glass of wine a day is good for the heart. My heart must be
in great shape since I drink a bottle of Thunderbird every morning. Al Kahallic.
23. Listen to this headline, Mildred, Man Hit by Train in Hospital. You’re just not safe
anywhere these days!
24. Some members of the Supreme Court have no concern for justice. For, anyone who
condones baby-killing has no concern for justice, and by allowing abortions they
condone baby-killing. A. Wright Winger.
25. I know my Life-Alert bracelet is jinxed. The same day I bought it I fell down and
couldn’t get up. Iva Fallen.
26. In Genesis 1.12 we read: And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed
after its kind…and God saw that it was good. Therefore, no government has the right
to prohibit its citizens from enjoying any sort of grass or herb they desire. Rev. Bud
Green.
27. Are you still dating that loser?
28. We should reject the melting-pot metaphor and replace it with the tossed-salad
metaphor because the former was invented by cultural imperialists who felt everyone
should conform to their western values. PC Hafwit.
29. A new study shows that Americans are fatter than ever before. It follows that since
Leroy is an American, he must have gained weight.
30. Obviously this telescope is defective. You can clearly see the Hale-Bopp comet but it
isn’t picking up the spaceship in the comet’s tail. Do.
31. Uncle Marky argues that studying philosophy makes us more careful thinkers,
enhancing our capacity for self-determination and autonomy. But he is a philosopher,
so of course he would say something like that.
32. A majority of professors at La Universidad Nacional Autónoma de México support
legal access to abortion in the first trimester. Thus, it must be the case that a majority of
Mexican citizens also support legal access to abortion in the first trimester.