Preview/Overview

I’m already overwhelmed. Why should
I spend time on this?

Too harsh…

Too diplomatic…

And Silence … don’t work.

I already know how to talk to
people about what they’re doing
wrong-I’m just blunt.
Why should I do anything
different?

I don’t think there’s anything that
can’t be talked about diplomatically.
Why should I hurt people’s feelings?
WHAT HE MEANT: I’m concerned
you’re not on track for tenure.
How’s that great new article coming?
Going quickly?
Oh, yes, I
think it’ll
be done
soon.
WHAT HE HEARD:
Your research
work is great!



Silence about a known problem can have
unintended consequences
Silence signals to the person that the
behavior is acceptable (or even good)
Silence about an important
issue eventually leads to
a blow-up

A guide to developing STRUCTURED
conversations …

About difficult topics …

Related to personnel management issues…

That most people find uncomfortable …

And often handle badly.
Conversations Reviewed
Delivering bad news
Delivering sad news
Addressing rude or disrespectful behavior
Addressing poor work performance
Pointing out poor personal hygiene
Saying no; turning down a request
PREPARE
THE CONVERSATION
Define the Problem
◦ What is the person saying or doing (or not saying
or not doing) that is causing a problem?
 Why is it a problem?
◦ Separate fact from fiction –
”Just the facts, ma’am!”
◦ What are my assumptions,
judgments and beliefs?
(Separate these from the facts)
If you can’t clearly define
the problem,
you can’t open up
a conversation
about resolving
the problem

Write it down in 3 sentences

Stick to the facts

Determine your conversation goal
◦ Be realistic
◦ Have a back-up plan
DESIGN
& DELIVER THE “ABC”
MESSAGE
 Accurate
 Brief
 Clear
To be successful
◦ Lose the urge to control/change the other person
◦ Forget trying to prove you are “right”
◦ Resist the desire to insult or undermine
◦ Let go of your desire to avoid a
negative reaction to this tough
conversation
Stop
Talking and Start
LISTENING
◦ It’s a conversation,
not a class lecture or a
conference presentation
◦ How to deal with defensive reactions
◦ How to manage outright freak-outs
◦ Tools to Stay Cool

Comments to encourage
listening
• Tell me what’s happening from
your perspective
• What’s your understanding of
what I’ve just said?
• What’s your take on this?
• How do you see things?
• I’m curious about your perspective on this issue

Show confidence by embracing silence

Stifle your “inside voice”

Ask good questions

Listen to understand – not to deflect or rebut

Acknowledge the other person’s perspectives,
feelings and concerns

Don’t react – respond

Stay calm, quiet and in the moment
◦ Design your “stay cool” techniques in advance

Never engage in “blame and shame”

Do not attempt to prove the other person wrong

Calmly explain what will happen next

Adopt the 5:1 rule

Practice genuine, active appreciation of
good work

Master the art of saying
◦ With sincerity
◦ Without shame or guilt