Helping your school-age child cope with a death
The death of a loved one can be a very stressful event for you and your child. You may think, “How can
I help him or her understand and cope when I am having trouble myself?” This fact sheet serves as a
guide in helping your school-age child deal with the death of someone close to him or her.
Many different staff members can help your child deal with the death of a friend or family member. A
certified child life specialist is one of the team members who will work closely with your family. This
staff member can help your child understand death and teach him or her ways to cope with the loss.
Child life specialists are here to work with your child and his or her brothers and sisters at any time
during your stay. They also can support you in talking with your child about death. When needed, a
specialist from the Child Life Program can send you resource materials about grief and bereavement that
fit your child’s age. If you are at home and feel that your child needs more support, please call on local
support services such as a grief counselor, chaplain, social worker or psychologist.
Understanding death
Most school-age children have begun to understand what death means. They also may have started
asking harder questions, such as “Why?”
Your school-age child may wonder about the physical changes of the dead person’s body. He or she
might ask to view or even touch the body.
Because school-age children are aware that they will die one day, they may become fearful of sleep,
sickness or anything else that they feel could lead to their own death.
Children may also feel guilt and regret for things they wish they would have said or done before the
special person died.
How to say it
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Use concrete words such as “dead” and clear wording, like “her body stopped working.”
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Avoid phrases such as “passed away,” “gone to sleep,” or “taken to a better place.” They are hard
for a child to understand.
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Remember to include your religious beliefs when you discuss death with your school-age child.
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However, avoid saying that God “took someone to be with him.” Your child may begin to fear that
God will take him or her away, too.
Possible questions
Your child might have many questions about death. Be sure to answer those questions honestly, using
simple words that he or she can understand. Also, remember that it is OK if you do not have all the
answers.
Here are some questions your school-age child might ask when a family member or friend has died. We
also offer some possible answers.
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Is death like going to sleep?
Death is different from sleeping. When you are sleeping, your body still works. You still breathe, your
heart beats, and your body can still move. When a person dies, his body stops working.
Keep in mind: Children who are told that death is like sleeping may develop fears of going to sleep and
not waking up.
Why did he die?
If an illness caused the death, explain that the person’s body could not fight the illness any longer. The
doctors and nurses did everything they could do, but his body stopped working. It will help your child to
have a basic understanding of the illness. He or she needs to know the difference between the illness the
person died from versus a cold or the flu.
If the person died of cancer and your child has cancer, make sure your child understands that there
are many different kinds of cancer. Some are harder to cure than others. If the person died of the same
disease that your child has, let him or her know that each body is unique, and some people respond
better to treatment than others.
If an accident caused the death, explain that the person was hurt so badly that his body stopped working.
Also explain that when most people get hurt, they can get better and live a long time.
Will I die? Will you die?
Your child might need to feel reassured and secure. Let him or her know that although everyone dies at
some point, most people live for a long time. Children also need to know who will take care of them if a
parent or guardian dies.
Does it hurt to die?
Reassure your child that there are medicines that help to take away pain. Also, let your child know
that the doctors and nurses did everything they could to make sure the special person hurt as little as
possible.
Common reactions
Every child responds to death in his or her own way. These are some of the most common reactions for
school-aged children:
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Anxiety
• Withdrawal
Crying • Anger
Denial • Drop in grades
Guilt • Regressing (acting younger than his or her age)
Daydreaming or not paying attention
Fear of his or her own death or the death of a caregiver
Physical responses, such as stomach aches, headaches, etc.
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Ways to help
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Model healthy grieving. It is OK for your child to see you cry. Encourage your child to express his
or her feelings.
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Tell your child it is OK to feel sad, angry and scared about death. It will help him or her to know
that everyone has a mix of strong feelings when someone close to them dies.
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If your child has false ideas about death, help him or her understand the truth.
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Give your child a chance to tell the special person things that he or she may have wanted to say.
(Examples: Place a letter in the casket, visit the gravesite after the funeral day, release a balloon)
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Allow your child to release energy through physical activities (outdoor play, sports, etc).
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Set limits for aggressive behavior. However, know that your child might act younger than his or
her age while he or she is trying to cope with this death.
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Encourage your child to write stories, poems or music about his or her feelings or about the person
who has died.
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Read books about death and loss that fit your child’s age. You can find these books at your local
library or bookstore. Some titles that may be helpful for your school-age child are:
~ When Someone Very Special Dies by Marge Heegaard
~ I Know I Made It Happen: A Gentle Book About Feelings by Lynn Bennett Blackburn
~ The Empty Space: A Child’s Guide Through Grief by Roberta Ternes, Ph.D.
~ Lost and Found: Remembering a Sister by Ellen Yeomans
~ Since My Brother Died by Marisol Munoz-Kiehne
~ Where Do Balloons Go? An Uplifting Mystery by Jamie Lee Curtis and Laura Cornell
~ The Next Place by Warren Hanson
• You may find these books helpful when preparing your child for a death:
~ Preparing the Children: Information and Ideas for Families Facing Terminal Illness by
Kathy Nussbaum
~ Living the Dying Process: A Guide for Caregivers by Jody Gyulay
Questions?
If you have concerns about how well your child is adjusting to the death of someone close to him, please
call the Child Life Program at (916) 703-3024.
Adapted with permission from St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. Revised 7/05
UC Davis Cancer Center 12/06
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