The Effects of Divorce on Children
Jennifer Reynoso-English 252-07
D
ivorce is so common in today’s society. Couples who divorce are
affected by their decision. Their children are affected as well. But,
how does divorce affect children? Do the children see it as positive or negative? Are
the effects long lasting? Could a peaceful divorce be better for the lives of children
than a contentious marriage?
Judith Wallerstein, Julia Lewis, and Sandra Blakeslee believe that children who
experience divorce carry negative effects of post-divorce life into adulthood. These
children will have difficulty in developing trusting and intimate relationships with a
spouse. They preformed a study on children of divorce. Their views are expressed in
the article called The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. Children who experience divorce
loose their childhood. A child Karen said, “The day my parents divorced is the day
my childhood ended.” (Wallerstein, 2000, p. 156) Children are scared and upset.
They feel abandoned by both parents and feel somewhat responsible for the
divorce. These children give up their childhood to take responsibility for them
selves. In adulthood, these children suffer even more. They struggle most when they
search for love, sexual intimacy, and commitment. These now adults claim that no
one taught them how to have a functional relationship. They did not have a good
example growing up. Luckily with a lot of work, the fears of relationships can be
conquered around the time they reach their late twenties and thirties.
Teens from these circumstances say things like “ I don’t want a life like either of
my parents.” They have also said “ I never want a child of mine to experience a
childhood like I had.” This proves that they recognize the negative effect that
divorce had on them as children. As these children grow older, they start saying
things like “ I have never seen a man and a woman on the same beam.” This makes
them scared for a relationship. They feel inadequate and unprepared to form a
relationship. This shows the negative effects that divorce has on children
throughout their whole lives.
A psychoanalyst named Erick Erickson taught us that childhood and society are
virtually connected. “ But we have not come to terms with the changes ushered in
by our divorce culture. Childhood is different, adolescence is different, and
adulthood is different. Without our noticing, we have created a new class of young
1. The Effects of Divorce on Children
Children who
experience divorce
loose their
childhood…“ I never
want a child of mine
to experience a
childhood like I had.”
children who take care of themselves, along with a while generation of overburdened
parents who have no time to enjoy the pleasures of parenting. So much has happened
so fast; we cannot hold it all in our minds. It’s simply overwhelming.” (Wallerstein,
2000, p. 156) This statement of Erickson’s findings is such a great reinforcer of
Wallerstein’s views of the effect of divorce on children. Divorce does affect children.
Being aware of these effects is important. Once we are aware of these problems we
can work on eliminating these problems. Children of divorce can over come these
challenges and be successful in their relationships, even if it takes a lot of work.
Divorce does have negative effects on children. These negative effects can stay with
those children for the rest of their lives. This can cause problems in relationships,
parenting, and in the family. Further support for this position is found in a study by
Atamo (2000), which found that children with divorced parents are more stressed than
children with married parents. Children with divorces parents also score lower on tests
than children with married parents do. The mental analysis “showed that children
from divorced families scored significantly lower on a variety of outcomes, including
academic achievement, conduct, psychological adjustment, self-concept, and social
competence.” (Amato, 2000, p. 6) Children of divorce are forced to take on new roles
as their parents separate. At that time, the parenting of both parents normally suffers.
The children do not get all the attention and support that they need. There is so much
change going on in the family at the time of divorce. This can force the children into
taking on new roles that aren’t meant to be taken on by them. This causes children to
grow up quicker and develop into a different person with different views of life, love,
and relationships as a whole.
Divorce does have many negative effects on children. But, a couple should never
stay in a marriage “for the kids”. A recent study shows that this might actually do
more harm than good. “The study tracked kids ages 10+ with parents in a highconflict marriage in the early '90s and circled back to them a decade later to see the
effects of their parents' relationship. The kids, by then young adults between ages 18
and 34, were more likely to be in a happy and healthy relationship themself if their
warring parents divorced.” (Grier 2010, p. 1) The long term effects on children with
parents who have a horrible marriage can be so much worse than that of divorce.
“Seeing the parents fight almost everyday is like a ghost that will hunt a child's
memory of a so called family.” (Grier 2010, p.1) Sometimes adults, namely parents to
not understand the full impact their actions have on their children’s lives. The
2. The Effects of Divorce on Children
A couple should never
stay in a marriage “for
the kids”. A recent
study shows that this
might actually do
more harm than good.
plasticity in children allows them to change due to their circumstances. But, when
their circumstances are negative their whole childhood; they carry those negative
experiences to adulthood. “Our findings suggest that exposure to parental conflict in
adolescence is associated with poorer academic achievement, increased substance use,
and early family formation and dissolution, often in ways indistinguishable from living
in a stepfather or single-mother family,” says Kelly Musick, PhD, an associate
professor of policy analysis and management at Cornell University. (Hedrick 2009)
Couples who are debating a divorce should also consider the option of working
things out. “A marriage, like a human life, is a precious, living thing. Spouses should
exercise faith in Christ and love for each other to heal and strengthen their
relationship.” (Dallin H. Oaks) Working to save a marriage is very important. Each
married couple has a responsibility to love and care for one another. They also have a
responsibility to nurture and care for their children. These responsibilities can only be
fulfilled when both the husband and wife are truly working together. When a marriage
is failing, there are many things that can be done to make it better. Going on weekly
dates, listening to one another, working together, forgiving each other, and speaking
with soft and kind words are just some of the many small things that can be done on a
daily basis.
Each couple has to decide what is best for them. There are times when divorce is
necessary. If a couple does decide to divorce, there is still a way to handle it that would
be better for the children. Keeping the divorce civil and helping the children
understand that it is not their fault is so important.
Once we are aware of these struggles and help those children of divorce we can work
on them. If we do not continually tackle the issues they have it can be more
dangerous. The longer we wait to work on these problems, they will become harder to
get rid of. This is because of the plasticity of humans. There are many adults that dealt
with divorce in their child hood who have fear and doubts about relationship. These
emotions are normally hidden by consciousness. These adults do have the power to
change their marriages and relationships for the better. I believe that we are all given
challenges in life to make us stronger. Children of divorce have the power to learn and
grow from their struggles.
Divorce always has an effect on children. Sometimes, these effects can stay with
them for a lifetime. Being aware of divorce and its effects on children is important.
Children who have experienced their parents divorce will need extra help and support
3. The Effects of Divorce on Children
Divorce always has an
effect on children.
Sometimes, these
effects can stay with
them for a lifetime.
that they do not receive at home. Children can overcome the challenges set before them.
But, over coming these issues can take a very long time. These challenges can interfere
with their future relationships, self-confidence, and commitment. The first step to
eliminate the issues at hand is to recognize them. Parents have the opportunity to make
a difference by making their marriage better, or making the divorce as civil as possible. I
believe children of divorce and contentious marriages can over come these trials.
Works Cited
Amato, Paul . "The Consequences of Divorce for Adults and Children." Journal of Marriage and
Family, 62. 4
(2004): p.1269–1287. Print.
Enriching Your Marriage Salt Lake, UT: Dallin H. Oaks, 2007: Print.
Grier, Ivan. "A Bad Marriage May Be Worse than Divorce for the Kids." Web log post. Family
Education. 7th July 2010 n.d.. Web.27th Jan 2013.
<http://blogs.familyeducation.com/parenting/chatterbox/erin-d/bad-marriage-maybe-worse-divorce-kids>.
Hendrick, Bill . "Bad Marriages Take a Toll on Kids." Marriage and home, (2013):
<http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090605/bad-marriages-take-a-toll-onkids>.
Wallerstein, Judith S, Julia Lewis, and Sandra Blakeslee. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25
Year Landmark Study. New York: Hyperion, 2000. Print.
Weatherbe, Steve. "Better to Stay in a Bad Marriage? ." National Catholic Register, 9th May 2011. 2013: Print.
References
4. The Effects of Divorce on Children
These challenges
can interfere with
their future
relationships, selfconfidence, and
commitment.