Exercise: Turning Toward Your Partner's Bids for Connection
Couples can improve their marriage by clearly telling each other what they need in terms of
acceptance, friendship, affection, and romance. Our research has shown that such exchanges are the
stuff that happy marriages are made of. Whether a partner wants sex, affection, conversation, or just
some help with the yard work, the story is the same: One partner makes a bid in the form of a
comment, a gesture, a question, a touch, or a facial expression. And the other partner "turns toward"
that bid with interest, empathy, or support.
While turning toward your partner's bids leads to the growth and development of a loving, caring
relationship, "Turning away" by ignoring your partner's bids has just the opposite effect. Whether the
slight is intentional or simply caused by mindlessness, continually disregarding your partner's bids
leads to increased conflict, hurt feelings, and the deterioration of your relationship.
"Turning against" your partner's bids with arguments and hostility also has a negative impact. It can
make the bidding partner feel hurt and fearful, so that bidding stops, feelings are suppressed, and the
relationship begins to wither.
Below is a list of situations in which partners commonly bid for emotional connection. As you read
each item, imagine your partner offering this bid to you. Then imagine ways that you might turn away,
turn against, or turn towards the bid. Over the next several weeks, see what happens when you make an
effort to habitually turn toward your partner.
Examples: BID:
My partner pours me a cup of coffee as I'm working at the computer.
Turning-away response: Silence. No acknowledgment.
Turning-against response: "Looks like you made it too weak
Turning-toward response: "Thanks. That's so thoughtful."
Examples: BID:
again."
My partner reads aloud a joke that he or she thinks is funny.
Turning-away response: "Have you seen my black shoes?"
Turning-against response: "I can't concentrate when you're reading like that."
Turning-toward response: "That's funny." Or "I don't get it. Tell me why it cracks
you up."
BID: My partner tells me some bit of news about a relative.
Turning-away response:
Turning-against response:
Turning-toward response:
BID: My partner mentions something that needs to be done in the yard.
Turning-away response:
Turning-against response:
Turning-toward response:
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BID: My partner tells me we're out of laundry detergent.
Turning-away response:
Turning-against response:
Turning-toward response:
BID: My partner admires the neighbor's new car.
Turning-away response:
Turning-against response:
Turning-toward response:
BID: My partner touches me in an affectionate way.
Turning-away response:
Turning-against response:
Turning-toward response:
BID: My partner complains about a chronic health problem.
Turning-away response:
Turning-against response:
Turning-toward response:
BID: My partner says he or she is worried about our child.
Turning-away response:
Turning-against response:
Turning-toward response:
BID: My partner touches me in a way that usually leads to sex.
Turning-away response:
Turning-against response:
Turning-toward response:
BID: My partner tells me he or she is very tired.
Turning-away response:
Turning-against response:
Turning-toward response:
BID: My partner recalls something from childhood that was very hurtful.
Turning-away response:
Turning-against response:
Turning-toward response:
BID: My partner tells me about an incident at work where he or she felt unfairly treated.
Turning-away response:
Turning-against response:
Turning-toward response:
Gottman, J. M. & Gottman, J. S. (2006). 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. New York: Three Rivers Press.
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Exercise: Establish a Ritual for Stress-Reducing Conversation
Research shows that one of the best things a couple can do for their marriage is to establish a ritual of
regular conversation for coping with everyday stress and occasional sadness. This is the time when
you catch up, focus on each other, swap stories, and show support.
Such conversations can help you to manage pressure, anxiety, and sadness due to problems at your job
or in difficult relationships with relatives and friends. Meaningful conversations can help you to
handle life's challenges while staying emotionally connected. Think of it as being like a regular trip to
the bank; your goal here is to make deposits in your "emotional bank account."
Use the following instructions and questions to design a conversation ritual for you and your partner.
Try it a few times and then evaluate how it's going. Make adjustments as needed to design a ritual that
works for you.
1. Designate fifteen to thirty minutes each day to talk about your day.
You may already do this to some extent. But we suggest that you make it intentional. You may want to
attach the conversation to some other activity that you do day in and day out -- something like eating
breakfast together , commuting, taking a walk, or sharing coffee after dinner. The idea is to commit to
making the conversation a significant part of that experience.
What is the best time of day for you to have a stress-reducing conversation with your
partner? ____________________Where is the best place to have it? _______________________
______________________________________________________________________________
2. Do it the same way every time.
Examples: Sit at the same table, light a candle, use the same two matching coffee mugs. The idea is to
make it feel like "a ritual," something you do together every day to feel connected to each other.
What elements will you use in your conversation ritual? ________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
3. Eliminate distractions.
Turn off the television. Let the phone ring. If you have small children, arrange for them to be involved
in some other activity (sleeping is nice) so Mom and Dad can talk.
How will you make sure you've got each other's full attention? ___________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
4. Take turns talking and listening.
Discuss the most important things that have happened to you since the last time you talked. What
transpired at work? What did the doctor say? How was your class? Did you talk to your mom? Make
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7
sure that each partner gets equal time to talk about his or her day. At first, you can use a clock to time
it. Later on, sharing the floor will come naturally.
What are likely topics for each of you in these conversations? ____________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
5. Show support for your partner as you listen.








Demonstrate genuine interest by asking questions: "How did it go?" "What was the most
important part?" "How do you feel about that?" "What did that mean to you?" "Tell me
everything that happened."
Communicate understanding: "I can understand why you feel that way." "I'd be stressed out,
too." "So it sounds like you're worried."
Listen for emotion and respond in kind: "That's really sad." "I can see why you're angry."
"Wow, that's exciting!" "I'd be tense in that situation, too."
Celebrate your partner's success: "That's wonderful!" "I'm so proud of you!" "I'll bet you're so
relieved."
Take your partner's side in conflicts: "That guy is a total jerk." "How could she treat you like
that?" (Remember, this is not the time for the listener to complain or criticize the speaker. And
don't side with the enemy!)
Show solidarity: "This is our problem and we will face it together." "I can understand because
something similar happened to me."
Be affectionate: "Come here and let me hold you." "I'm totally on your side."
Offer help with problem solving: "Let's figure this out." But remember, understanding must
come before advice. Don't rush to problem solve. Listening is the most important part.
6. Evaluate your experience.
After practicing a few days, analyze how the conversation is working. Ask these questions:






Is the time and place working for you?
If not, do you need to make adjustments to your schedule so you can make it work?
Are you able to avoid distractions?
Are there any elements you'd like to add to make it more satisfying?
Do you feel that your partner is sharing his or her experiences?
Do you feel that your partner is listening to you?
What changes, if any, would you like to make in your ritual? ____________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
Gottman, J. M. & Gottman, J. S. (2006). 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. New York: Three Rivers Press.
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Listening As Sacred Space
Building love and trust involves really listening to our partners, which is not as easy as it sounds. Asking the
right questions, empathizing, and making someone feel understood are skills that can dramatically increase
intimacy in any relationship. To help you learn to do this, we recommend that you periodically take your
partner's emotional temperature. Each of you can take a turn inviting your partner to share.
1. Prep Yourself. Shift the focus away from yourself, postpone your agenda for a while. It's not about being
interesting, it's about being interested, genuinely, in the other person. Hear your partner's pain, even if you don't
agree with the details. Try to see your partner's world even if you don't agree with the details.
2. Attune. It's your job as a listener to be 'present' with your partner. Do not minimize your partner's feelings.
When you listen, do not take responsibility for your partner's feelings. Do not try to make your partner feel
better or try to cheer your partner up. Just tune in to how your partner is feeling. DO: ask questions and really
listen to the answers; follow up on the answers you get; ask open ended questions; avoid judgment; avoid giving
advice (until you fully understand or it has been asked for); communicate respect; communicate understanding
and empathy; breathe and breathe again. DON'T: be critical; judge; be defensive; engage in putdowns or
superiority.
3. Reflect back on what you hear. A big part of listening is witnessing, meaning you listen so your partner
doesn't feel so alone. You can do this by repeating back in your own words what you have heard your partner
say, and then communicating validation.
Tips for the speaker: Don't stay hidden or invisible Be authentic. Don't avoid talking about your reality as an act
of kindness or to protect your partner. Your partner wants to know you, to be a part of your life. Talk about your
feelings; every feeling has a longing, desire, or wish inside it, that contain a kind of recipe for what you might
need from your partner. Tell your partner what you need from him/her right now. Ask for what you're need. Do
not think you're burdening your partner by expressing your needs. You are giving him/her a chance to shine for
you! And do not go outside the relationship to get your love needs met, thinking this will unburden the
relationship. This almost always backfires.
Listening Exercise
Good listening creates intimate conversation, trust, and love! Take turns asking your partner the following
questions. Then use the lists below for specific things you can ask or say to help you learn to be a great listener.
Tell me what in this world is currently making you:
1. angry
6. optimistic
2. sad
7. feel despair
3. afraid or worried
8. stressed
4. hopeful
Questions You Can Ask As You Listen
1. What are you feeling?
2. What else are you feeling?
3. What are your primary needs here?
4. What do you really wish for?
5. What are the feelings here you are afraid to even think about?
6. Do you have any mixed feelings here? What are they?
7. What are your choices as you see them?
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8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
What are the positive and negative aspects of each of your choices?
Do you think this has affected our relationship (or another relationship)? If so, how?
Is there some way you wish you could have done things differently? How so?
Think of someone you really admire. What would he/she do and how would he/she view this?
Do these feelings and needs have any spiritual, moral, ethical, or religious meaning for you?
Does this remind you of anything else in your personal history?
What meaning does this have for you to bring this up now?
How does this affect your identity, your idea of yourself?
Statements to Explore Feelings and Needs as You Listen
1. Tell me the story of that.
2. I want to know everything you're feeling.
3. Nothing is more important to me right now than listening to you.
4. We have lots of time to talk.
5. It's okay not to know what to do here, but what's your guess?
6. I think you're being very clear. Go on.
7. Help me understand your feelings a little better. Say more.
8. Help me understand this situation from your point of view. What are your most important points?
9. Tell me what you're most concerned about.
10. Tell me more about how you are seeing this situation.
11. Tell about what the decision is that you think you have to make.
12. If you could change the attitudes of one of the key people in this situation, what would you do?
Express Empathy and Understanding as you Listen
1. You're making total sense.
2. You must feel so helpless.
3. I just feel such despair in you when you talk about this.
4. You're in a tough spot here. I can feel the pain you feel.
5. I wish you didn't have to go through that.
6. I'm on your side here.
7. I wish I could have been with you in that moment.
8. Oh, wow, that sounds terrible.
9. I support your position here.
10. No wonder you're upset.
11. I'd feel the same way you do in your situation.
12. That must have annoyed you.
13. That would make me mad too.
14. That sounds very frustrating.
15. I would have also been disappointed by that.
16. That would make me sad too.
17. Wow! That must have hurt.
18. Okay, I think I get it. So what you are feeling is...
19. What I admire most about what you're doing is...
Excerpts from How to Be A Great Listener, The Gottman Institute, Inc. Seattle, WA, 2012
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Ask Open-Ended Questions
You'll be surprised at how much your relationship will change if you shift from just making statements to asking your
partner more open-ended questions.
Instructions. First, read through the "Open-Ended Questions List" that follows. Then, each of you select one question.
Take turns asking your partner the question you selected, and listening to your partner's answer. If you have time, keep
going and talk about another question or tow. The "Open-Ended Questions List" is fun to take along on a date night.
Incorporate it into your conversations whenever you can.
Open-Ended Questions List
How can I be a better friend to you?
How are you feeling now about being a mother
(father)?
How have you changed in the last year?
What could we do to have more fun in our life?
What do you enjoy most about being a dad (mom)?
What would you like to change about your work?
How have your goals in life changed since our
children have come?
What would you like our life to be like in two years?
What are you missing most in your life since we've
become parents?
How would you compare yourself to your father or
mother as a parent?
What are some of your life dreams now?
What kind of person would you like our children to
become?
What do you value the most in your life now?
Who do you think is the best parent you have ever
seen? Why?
Who does (child's name) remind you of in your
family?
How can I be a better partner to you?
What has been your favorite time so far in our
relationship?
How do you think having our baby (or being
pregnant) has changed our relationship?
Do you long for anything these days?
What is the biggest challenge for you as a dad (mom)?
What legacy do you want our baby to have from your
family?
What are some unfulfilled dreams in your life?
What changes would you like to make in our lifestyle
now that children have arrived?
What changes would you like to make in our home
these days?
What are your major stresses or worries these days?
What are your thoughts and feeling about religion,
spirituality, and God these days?
How have your political ideas changed since the
children came?
How have your friends or family changed toward you
in recent years?
What would you like to change about our finances
right now?
How has your family changed toward you since our
children arrived?
Gottman, J. M. & Gottman, J. S. (2007). And Baby Makes Three. New
York: Three Rivers Press
How has your outlook on life changed since you
became a parent?
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.
Resources and Links
Seminars/Enrichment
PAIRS Skills for Successful Relationships (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills)
http://participant.pairs.com/about
http://www.pacificfamilylife.com/
The Art and Science of Love Workshop, Best Marriages
http://bestmarriages.com/couples-workshop-vancouver/
Weekend to Remember, Power to Change Family Life
http://powertochange.com/familylife/events/weekend-to-remember/
http://powertochange.com/familylife/events/weekend-to-remember/pastor-offer/
Ministry Couple Ministries
Fairhaven Retreats, Fairhaven: A Retreat Experience for Christian Leaders
http://www.fairhavencanada.com/whatweoffer/retreats
Health Check Workshops, Oasis Ministries
http://oasisretreatscanada.com/experiences/workshops/
Kerith Creek Ministry Retreats, Focus on the Family
http://www.kerithcreek.com/
Websites
Clergy Care Network, Focus on the Family
http://www.focusonthefamily.ca/clergycare/
http://www.focusonthefamily.ca/events/pastors-gatherings/pastors-gatherings
Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott Devotions
http://www.lesandleslie.com/devotional/what-matters-most-in-your-marriage/
Learning to Listen with Empathy
http://participant.pairs.com/listening_with_empathy.php
PAIRS Skills for Successful Relationships (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills)
http://participant.pairs.com/about
The Gottman Institute Relationship Blog
http://www.gottmanblog.com/
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"What is One Thing You Would Tell People In Ministry?" Kay Warren, pastor's wife
http://kaywarren.com/cat/pastorswives/
DVD Series
Art and Science of Love
http://www.gottman.com/shop/art-science-of-love-home-workshop/
Hold Me Tight
http://www.iceeft.com/index.php/hold-me-tight/dvds/hold-me-tight-conversations-forconnection-detail
Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage
http://shopping.laughyourway.com/laugh-your-way-seminar-dvd
Love and Respect
http://loveandrespect.com/store/love-and-respect-dvds.html
Build a Network
Ministry couple support groups could be groups of 4-5 ministry couples who commit to meet
monthly for four months at a time to share, pray, support and listen to one another in a safe and
confidential environment. The intention of a clergy support group is to build a ‘circle of trust’—a
place that is safe for the soul to emerge midst the demands and diversity of ministry. Building a
relationship with other like-minded ministry couples that you can be open/vulnerable with
diminishes the isolation so inherent to ministry systems when you can be with people who you
are able to let your hair down with and share in a confidential setting. Laughing, crying, and
venting are all healthy and safe in the right situation. Perhaps some of you will want to create a
group like this after this session. Choose wisely.
Private Therapy
Invest in each other, your relationship, and skill building, as well as explore how better to
communicate, get through the potential hot spots in ways that build connection safely, and learn
more about who you are. Having a third party perspective can be invaluable. Don't wait until
things are really grim between you. There is power in having others witness and speak into your
life.
Books
Armstrong, B., & P. (2005). Couple care. Abbotsford, BC: Couple Care Ministries.
Successful marriages are built on a solid foundation that enables couples to experience all that the marriage
relationship is designed to be. Based on biblical principles you will find in this manual teaching, personal examples,
humor, and interactive questions that address all the relevant matters of marriage.
Healthy Marriages, Healthy Leaders
13
Armstrong, B., & P. (2009). Along the way. Abbotsford, BC: Couple Care Ministries.
Based on biblical principles and containing interactive questions, this resource covers critical topics such as:
expectations, communication, conflict, forgiveness, intimacy and others, which are illustrated by an appropriate and
gentle use of humour with which all couples will identify.
Arp, D., & C. (1997). 10 great dates to energize your marriage. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
10 Great Dates offers a creative way to energize your relationship by providing you with ten innovative, fun dates
based on marriage-enriching themes. You will love growing while going out together through these intentional,
memory-making dates.
Balswick, J., & Balswick, J. (2006). A model for marriage: Covenant, grace, empowerment and
intimacy. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.
Jack and Judy Balswick offer a vision of marriage that is both profoundly spiritual and thoroughly practical.
Drawing insight from Christian theology and from social science research, the Balswick's bring together their years
of teaching, writing and being married to each other to produce a book of faith and wisdom for facing the challenge
of marriage in the twenty-first century.
Chapman, G. (1995). The five love languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your
mate. Chicago: Northfield Publishing.
People express and receive love in different ways. This resource includes a guide to help you work as a team so you
can learn to speak and understand the unique languages of love and effectively express it in a way your spouse can
understand.
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (2002). Boundaries in marriage. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
Only when a husband and wife know and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom can they give themselves
freely and lovingly to one another. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, counselors and authors of the awardwinning best-seller Boundaries, show couples how to apply the 10 laws of boundaries that can make a real
difference in relationships. They help husbands and wives understand the friction points or serious hurts and
betrayals in their marriage---and move beyond them to the mutual care, respect, affirmation, and intimacy they both
long for.
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of
your life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that
marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not.
Boundaries impact all areas of our lives and this resource explores how to set healthy boundaries with our parents,
spouses, children, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves.
Doherty, W. J. (2013). Take back your marriage: Sticking together in a world that pulls us apart.
New York: The Guilford Press.
All couples walk to the altar dreaming of happily-ever-after, but many forces in our society work against healthy
lifelong commitment. This author reveals how cracks can develop in even a rock-solid marriage, and what steps you
Healthy Marriages, Healthy Leaders
14
can take to keep your love strong. Learn ways to break free of common traps like confusing desires with needs,
comparing your spouse to your fantasies of other relationships, or becoming overtime parents instead of full-time
partners. You'll get suggestions for creating relationship rituals that build closeness and connection every day.
Doherty, W. J. (2002). The intentional family. New York: Harper.
Nationally respected family therapist William J. Doherty believes that we can strengthen the ties that bind us
together, and create new, more permanent ones in the process, through the use of family-specific everyday rituals.
This resource offers a myriad of simple and effective methods for opening regular channels of communication that
will help us make the most of our most important relationships.
Friedman, E. H. (1985). Generation to Generation: Family process in church and synagogue.
New York: The Guilford Press.
Friedman submits that every clergyman and woman regardless of faith are part of three different families which are
all emotionally interlocked: families within the congregation, our congregations and our own. He makes claim that
emotional processes are identical in all systems and so unresolved issues in any one of them can produce symptoms
in the others, and increased understanding of any one creates more effective functioning in all three. "What is vital
to changing any kind of family in not knowledge of technique or pathology, but rather the capacity of the family
leader to define his or her own goals and values, while trying to maintain a non-anxious presence within the
system."
Gottman, J. M. & Gottman, J. S. (2007). And baby makes three. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Wonderfully practical and specific…beyond just citing research studies and statistics, John and Julie Gottman
provide readers with self-tests and detailed exercises for examining and resolving particular issues within their own
marriages… it will apply to all married readers, whether or not they are raising children.
Gottman, J. M. & Gottman, J. S. (2006). 10 lessons to transform your marriage. New York:
Three Rivers Press.
This book explores share the information so that couples can develop the skills to turn their relationship problems
around and create strong, lasting unions. The Gottman's provide the tools -- scientifically based and empirically
verified -- that you can use to regain affection and romance lost through years of ineffective communication. You'll
strengthen your relationship and make it the most fulfilling it can be.
Gottman, J. (2001). The relationship cure. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Revolutionary program for repairing troubled relationships - with spouses, lovers, children, family members,
friends, boss or colleagues. Provides tools including the empowering concept of the "emotional bid," the
fundamental unit of emotional connection. All good relationships are built through a process of making and
receiving successful bids that range from such subtle gestures as a quick question, a look, or a comment to the most
probing and intimate ways we communicate.
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15
Gottman, J. (2000). Seven principles for making a relationship work. New York: Three Rivers
Press.
Based on 30 years of longitudinal research on the "masters and disasters" of marriage, Gottman provides powerful
evidence - and concrete guidelines - for making marriage work. Turns out, "emotionally intelligent" marriages have
friendship at their center. Packed with practical questionnaires and exercises, The Seven Principles for Making
Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.
Gottman, J. (1995). Why marriages succeed or fail. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Dr. Gottman tells you how to recognize attitudes that doom a marriage -- contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and
stonewalling -- and provides practical exercises, quizzes, tips, and techniques that will help you understand and
make the most of your relationship. You can avoid patterns that lead to divorce, and Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
will show you how. This breakthrough book guides you through a series of self-tests designed to help you determine
what kind of marriage you have, where your strengths and weaknesses are, and what specific actions you can take
to help your marriage.
Johnson, S. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. New
York: Little, Brown and Company.
Love Sense covers the three stages of a relationship and how to best weather them; the intelligence of emotions and
the logic of love; the physical and psychological benefits of secure love; and much more. Based on groundbreaking
research, Love Sense will change the way we think about love.
Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York: Little,
Brown and Company.
In Hold Me Tight, Emotional Focused Therapy pioneer Dr Sue Johnson presents her highly effective therapy model
to the general public for the first time. The therapy programme focuses on the emotional connection of every
relationship by de-escalating conflict, creating a safe emotional connection, and strengthening bonds between
partners. Through case studies from her practice, illuminating advice and practical exercises, couples will learn
how to nurture their relationships and ensure a lifetime of love.
Mason, M. (2005). The mystery of marriage: Meditations on the miracle. Colorado Springs, CO:
Multnomah Books.
In highly readable, first-person style, Mason’s writing stimulates readers’ thoughts and prayers and propels couples
to deeper intimacy. “A marriage is not a joining of two worlds,” says the author, “but an abandoning of two worlds
in order that one new one might be formed.” Rich chapters on “Otherness,” “Vows,” “Intimacy,” “Sex,”
“Submission,” and an all-new chapter on “Oneness” lift readers to view the eternal, spiritual nature of this faithfilled, “impossible,” wild, yet wonderful, frontier.
Markham, H. J., Stanley, S. M., Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage (3rd ed.).
San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
Since 1994, the best-selling classic Fighting for Your Marriage has been the go-to reference for couples that want to
enhance their marriage and prevent divorce. This edition (which contains a new instructional DVD for couples) is
based on the widely acclaimed PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program) approach.
Groundbreaking studies have found that couples who use the strategies of this proven approach are able to handle
Healthy Marriages, Healthy Leaders
16
conflict more constructively, protect their happiness, and reduce the odds of breaking up. The authors have included
a wealth of proven, research-based techniques and down-to-earth guidance for all couples who seek to promote
greater character and pleasure in their long-term relationships.
Olson, D., Olson-Sigg, A., & Larson, P. J. (2008). The couple checkup: Find your relationship
strengths. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson.
A book and online profile that identifies a couple's strengths to help them build a more vital relationship. Based on
an unprecedented national survey of 50,000 marriages, The Couple Checkup presents the principles for creating a
successful couple relationship. The free online profile includes fifteen to twenty categories that are customized
based on the relationship stage-whether dating, engaged, or married-the age, and whether or not children are
involved. The book also includes the SCOPE Personality Profile and the Couple and Family Map of the
relationship. Each chapter of the book matches a category in the free individual profile. While the book stands on its
own, using the Couple Checkup with the book provides the maximum benefit. In addition, each chapter contains
couple exercises to help build couple strengths in a variety of areas.
Parrott, L., & L. (2013). The good fight. Brentwood, TN: Worthy Publishing.
Every couple fights. In fact, successful couples disagree just as much as couples who don’t go the distance. But a
mountain of research shows what separates happy from not-so-happy marriages: they know how to resolve conflict.
Happy couples have learned how to use disagreement to deepen their connection. Whether you fight a little or a lot,
this book is for you. With innovative, real-life ideas that work, The Good Fight will help you turn the most painful
moments of your marriage into milestones that mark a deeper joy and a greater passion for each other.
Parrott, L., & L. (1997). Meditations on Proverbs for couples. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
Drawing from the book of Proverbs, marriage experts Les and Leslie Parrot share ancient wisdom for modern
couples, and honest answers for building a strong, richly rewarding marriage.
Parrott, L., & L. (1995). Becoming soul mates. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
Becoming Soul Mates gives you a road map for cultivating rich spiritual intimacy in your relationship, and will
help you grow together as you build a marriage that flourishes in the face of life's challenges.
Stanley, S. M. (2005). The power of commitment. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
Scott Stanley offers a five-step plan—based on his groundbreaking marital research and uniquely spiritual
approach—for understanding commitment, including learning to handle the pressures of everyday life, moving
through the pain of unfulfilled dreams and hopes, overcoming attraction to others that might endanger a marriage,
transforming your thinking from "me versus you" to "we" and "us," and capturing the beauty and mystery of lifelong
devotion, loyalty, teamwork, and building a lasting vision for the future.
Stanley, S., Trathen, D., McCain, S., & Bryan, M. (2002). A lasting promise: A Christian guide
to fighting for your marriage. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
This essential resource offers Christian couples, a well-researched and proven method for dealing with conflicts and
resolving problems in their marriage. It offers solutions to common problems--facing conflicts, problem solving,
improving communication, and dealing with core issues--within a religious framework. With the ultimate purpose of
upholding the sanctity of marriage, the book is filled with stories that reflect the sacred teachings of the scripture.
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The strategies outlined can help Christian couples to improve communication, understand commitment, bring more
fun into their relationship, and even enhance their sex life. This book will serve as an invaluable resource for all
couples who want to honor and preserve the holy sacrament of their union.
Thomas, G. (2002). Sacred marriage. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
Your marriage is more than a sacred covenant with another person. It is a spiritual discipline designed to help you
know God better, trust him more fully, and love him more deeply. Everything about your marriage is filled with the
capacity for discovering and revealing Christ's character. The respect you accord your partner; the forgiveness you
humbly seek and graciously extend; the ecstasy, awe, and sheer fun of lovemaking; the history you and your spouse
build with one another--in these and other facets of your marriage, Sacred Marriage uncovers the mystery of God's
overarching purpose. This book may very well alter profoundly the contours of your marriage. It will most certainly
change you.
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