John Gottman
JOHN GOTTMAN, PhD. is world renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, involving the study of emotions,
physiology, and communication. His breakthrough research on marriage and parenting has earned him numerous major awards
including:
•Four National Institute of Mental Health Research Scientist Awards
•The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy Distinguished Research Scientist Award
•The American Family Therapy Academy Award for Most Distinguished Contributor to Family Systems Research
•The American Psychological Association Division of Family Psychology, Presidential Citation for Outstanding Lifetime Research
Contribution
•The National Council of Family Relations, 1994 Burgess Award for Outstanding Career in Theory and Research.
He is the author or co-author of 119 published academic articles and 37 books, including: The Relationship Cure, A 5-Step Guide for
Building Better Connections with Family, Friends, and Lovers; The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; Why Marriages
Succeed or FailÖand How You Can Make Yours Last; Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting; The Marriage
Clinic; The Mathematics of Marriage.
He has appeared on numerous TV programs, including: Good Morning America Today, CBS Morning News and Oprah. Articles about
him have appeared in The New York Times, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Glamour, Woman's Day, People, Self, Reader's Digest,
Psychology Today, the Seattle Times and the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.
Dr. Gottman was the co-founder of the Gottman Institute with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. He is executive director of the
nonprofit Relationship Research Institute, currently evaluating interventions for the transition to parenthood. Dr. Gottman is an
emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Washington and founded what the media termed, "The Love Lab", where much
of his research on couples' interactions was conducted. Dr. Gottman presents workshops throughout the country.
Have you ever thought about really being in someone else’s shoes? Not,
literally, of course; being in someone else’s shoes is a euphemism for
empathy, which is to know exactly how some else is feeling. That’s hard to do
in a world where we taught to get in touch with our own feelings. Should we
even bother to be empathic? And, if so, how can you do it?
This the subject of a new book written by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott called
Trading Places. The cover of the book has a clever illustration of a
shoe whose front half is a man’s shoe and the rear half is a red high heel! The
Parrots point out that empathy is an extremely important characteristic to
have in a good marriage. Putting yourself in your partner’s shoes (or “skin”) is
a way of understanding where they are coming from. This does wonders for
reducing conflict between spouses.
Walt Whitman wrote, “I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I
become the wounded person.” That’s empathy - actually feeling what the
other person feels. Analyzing trades places in the head, sympathizing trades
places in the heart, but empathizing does both. It is to understand from both
the head and the heart.
So what does empathy (or “trading spaces”) do? I’m glad you asked. Here’s a
list of a few things that empathy can accomplish in your marriage:
•reduce criticism
•eliminate nagging
•make conflicts shorter
•makes you better friends/partners
•reinforces commitment
•brings “grace” to your marriage
•makes for a longer life
•allows for dreams to flourish
As Dr. and Dr. Parrott say: “When you accurately see any situation from
another’s point of view, when you can experience it like they do, you instantly
take a different approach to it“.
To feel loved and nurtured, we must believe deep down that our partner is really there for us. That sounds simple, but it's
far more complicated than most couples realize. Although Sally and Gary insisted that they were being attentive, they had
difficulty being empathetic. That's significant: Marital researchers have found that couples who help each other weather
stressful situations outside the marriage have stronger, happier relationships than those who can't.
The key is empathy. Empathy isn't the same as sympathy or pity. It means being able to put yourself in another's position,
to feel what they feel and see what they see, without losing yourself in the process. And it means you do all that even
though you may disagree with a partner's perception, opinions, or feelings. Take 30 minutes a day, at a time that works
best for both of you, to empathize with the stresses and strains you are each experiencing in other areas of your life. It can
make a difference between a marriage that succeeds and one that fails. Consider:
Empathy Don'ts
Don't stonewall (ignore what a partner is saying).
Don't minimize a spouse's concerns: "What's the big deal?" "You're always so sensitive!"
Don't rush to fix the problem: "Well, if I were you I'd..." or "You should have..." Many people mistakenly believe that
downplaying worries or offering advice is helpful. In fact, pat reassurances often magnify negative feelings, since they
force a person to try even harder to feel acknowledged. Women especially resent a partner's interruption with solutions,
preferring instead to simply vent and know that someone is really listening.
Empathy Dos
Do pay attention. Set aside the newspaper or catalog and turn off the TV when your partner is talking. An occasional uhhuh or nod of the head indicates you haven't zoned out.
Do validate feelings. "He gave that special assignment to the new recruit? I can see why you're annoyed."
Do ask questions with genuine interest. Make sure your partner knows you heard what he or she has said. "So how did
you respond to him?“
Do respond with affection, understanding, and support: "I'm really sorry you have to put up with that." "Oh, sweetheart,
that could happen to anyone. Don't be so hard on yourself.“
Do show support. Take your spouse's side. "I think your boss went a little overboard, too," is appropriate. "Well, you
shouldn't have been late in the first place" isn't.
Excerpted from Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage: Wisdom from the Annals of "Can This Marriage Be Saved?"
Ask Yourself…
Is it more important to be
right… or be in
relationship?
Communication
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DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate
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Gottman’s Marriage Tips 101
Since 1973, Dr. John Gottman has studied what he calls the "masters and disasters" of marriage. Ordinary people from the general
public took part in long-term studies, and Dr. Gottman learned what makes marriages fail, what makes them succeed, and what can
make marriages a source of great meaning. By examining partners’ heart rates, facial expressions, and how they talk about their
relationship to each other and to other people, Dr. Gottman is able to predict with more than 90% accuracy which couples will make it,
and which will not. What advice does Dr. Gottman have to offer? Below are some of his top suggestions for how to keep your marriage
strong.
Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems (and keep in mind, half of all marriages
that end do so in the first seven years). This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.
Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.
Soften your "start up." Arguments first "start up" because a spouse sometimes escalates the conflict from the get-go by making a
critical or contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone. Bring up problems gently and without blame.
Accept influence. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, "Do you
have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready," and her husband replies, "My
plans are set, and I'm not changing them". This guy is in a shaky marriage. A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than
vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true
partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.
Have high standards. Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those
who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the
beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.
Learn to repair and exit the argument. Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the
situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something
completely unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark ("I understand that this is hard for you"); making it clear
you're on common ground ("This is our problem"); backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have to yield to win); and,
in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way ("I really appreciate and want to thank
you for.…"). If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.
Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, while discussing problems, couples make at least five times as many positive
statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones. For example, "We laugh a lot;" not, "We never have any
fun". A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity. Make deposits to your emotional bank account.
If you'd like to test your relationship click on relationship quizzes. And for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest
potential, check out our new DVD/Video Workshop for Couples, The Art & Science of Love (click here).
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Copyright 2004 The Gottman Institute, Inc
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