Communication Climate

Communication Climates


Refers to the emotional tone of a relationship
Confirming and Disconfirming Messages

Confirming Communication


Describes messages that convey valuing
Disconfirming Communication

Describes messages that show a lack of regard
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Communication Climate

Disconfirming Messages

Impervious Responses


Interrupting


Doesn’t acknowledge the other person’s
message
Beginning to speak before the other person has
finished
Irrelevant Responses

A comment unrelated to what the other person
has just said
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Communication Climate

Disconfirming Messages

Tangential Responses


Impersonal Responses


The speaker uses the other’s remarks as a
starting point to shift the conversation
Loaded with clichés and other statements that
never truly respond to the speaker
Ambiguous Responses

Contain messages with more than one meaning,
leaving the other party unsure
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Communication Climate

Disconfirming Messages
 Incongruous
Responses
 Contains
two messages that seem to deny or contradict
each other.


“Darling, I love you.”

“I love you, too.” (Said in a monotone while watching TV)
Disagreeing Messages
 Aggressiveness
 Complaining
 Argumentativeness
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Communication Climate

Confirming Messages

Recognition


Acknowledgement


Recognize the other person
Includes asking questions, paraphrasing and
reflecting
Endorsement

The most obvious form of endorsement is
agreeing
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Communication Climate

How Communication Climates Develop

When two people start to communicate, a relational
climate begins to develop

Verbal and nonverbal communication can be
climate-shaping

After a climate is formed, it can take on a life of its
own and become a self-perpetuating spiral
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Communication Climate

Spirals

A reciprocating communication pattern in
which each person’s message reinforces the
others

Escalatory conflict spirals

A: (Mildly irritated) “Where were you? I thought
we agreed to meet here a half-hour ago.”

B: (Defensively) “I’m sorry. I got hung up at the
library. I don’t have as much free time as you
do.”

A: “I wasn’t blaming you, so don’t get so
touchy.”

B: “Who’s getting touchy? I just made a simple
comment.”
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Communication Climate

Spirals

De-escalatory conflict spirals

Rather than fighting, parties slowly lessen their
dependence on each other, withdraw and
become less invested in the relationship

Rarely go on indefinitely

Most relationships pass through cycles of
progression and regression
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Defensiveness: Causes and
Remedies


Face-Threatening Acts

Messages that seem to challenge the image we want
to project

Defensiveness becomes the process of protecting
our presenting self, our face
Preventing Defensiveness in Others

Jack Gibb isolated six types of defense-arousing
communication and six contrasting behaviors
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Defensiveness: Causes and
Remedies

The Gibb Categories of Defensive and Supportive
Behaviors
Defensive Behaviors
Supportive Behaviors
1. Evaluation
1. Description
2. Control
2. Problem Orientation
3. Strategy
3. Spontaneity
4. Neutrality
4. Empathy
5. Superiority
5. Equality
6. Certainty
6. Provisionalism
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Defensiveness: Causes and
Remedies

Gibb Categories

Evaluation versus Description

Evaluation: “You don’t know what you’re
talking about!”

Description: “I don’t understand how you came
up with that idea.”

Evaluation: “This place is a mess!”

Description: “When you don’t clean up, I have
to either do it, or live with your mess. That’s
why I’m mad!”
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Defensiveness: Causes and
Remedies

Gibb Categories

Control versus Problem Orientation

Controlling: “You need to stay off the phone for
the next two hours.”

Problem orientation: “I’m expecting some
important calls. Can we work out a way to keep
the line open?”

Controlling: “There’s only one way to handle
this problem.”

Problem orientation: “Lets work out a solution
we can both live with.”
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Defensiveness: Causes and
Remedies

Gibb Categories

Strategy versus Spontaneity

Strategy: What are you doing Friday after work?”

Spontaneity: “I have a piano I need to move Friday after
work. Can you give me a hand?”

Strategy: “Tom and Judy go out to dinner every week.”

Spontaneity: “I’d like to go out to dinner more often.”
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Defensiveness: Causes and
Remedies

Gibb Categories

Neutrality versus Empathy

Neutral: “That’s what happens when you don’t
plan properly.”

Empathic: “Ouch – looks like this didn’t turn out
the way you expected.”

Neutral: “Sometimes things just don’t work out.
That’s the way it goes.”

Empathic: “I know you put a lot of time and
effort into this project.”
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Defensiveness: Causes and
Remedies

Gibb Categories

Superiority versus Equality

Superior: “You don’t know what you’re talking
about.”

Equal: “I see it a different way.”

Superior: “No, that’s not the right way to do
it!”

Equal: “If you want, I can show you a way that
has worked for me.”
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Defensiveness: Causes and
Remedies

Gibb Categories

Certainty versus Provisionalism

Certain: “That will never work!”

Provisional: “I think you’ll run into problems
with that approach.”

Certain: “You don’t know what you’re talking
about!”

Provisional: “I’ve never heard anything like
that before. Where did you hear it?”
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Saving Face

The Assertive Message Format

The five parts of the assertive message

Behavior

Interpretation

Feeling

Consequence

Intention
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Saving Face

The Assertive Message Format
 Behavior
 Describes
the raw material to which you react
 Example:

 The
“One week ago John promised me that he would ask my
permission before smoking in the same room with me. Just a
moment ago he lit up a cigarette without asking for my OK.”
statement only describe facts
 There
is no observer meaning attached
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Saving Face

The Assertive Message Format
 Interpretation
 Describes
the meaning you’ve attached to the other
person’s behavior
 Example
(two interpretations):

“John must have forgotten about our agreement that he
wouldn’t smoke without asking me first. I’m sure he’s too
considerate to go back on his word.”

“John is a rude, inconsiderate person. After promising not to
smoke around me without asking, he’s just deliberately done
so. This shows that he only cares about himself.”
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Saving Face

The Assertive Message Format
 Feeling
 Consider
the difference between saying:

“When you laugh at me (behavior), I think you find my
comments foolish (interpretation), and I feel embarrassed.”

“When you laugh at me, I think you find my comments foolish,
and I feel angry.”
 Some
statements seem as if they’re expressing feeling but
are actually expressing interpretations or statements of
intention
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Saving Face

The Assertive Message Format
 Consequence
 What
happens as a result of the situation

What happens to you, the speaker:

“When I didn’t get the phone message yesterday (behavior), I
didn’t know that my doctor’s appointment was delayed and
that I would end up sitting in the office for an hour when I
could have been studying or working (consequences). It seems
to me that you don’t care enough about how busy I am to
even write a simple note (interpretation), and that’s why I’m
so mad (feeling).”
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Saving Face

The Assertive Message Format
 Intention
 Can

communicate three kinds of messages
Where you stand on an issue


Requests of others


“I want you to know that it bothers me.”
“I’d like to know if you are angry.”
Descriptions of how you plan to act in the future

“I want you to know that unless we clear this up now, you
shouldn’t expect me ever to lend you anything again.”
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Saving Face

Using the Assertive Message Format

The elements may be delivered in mixed order

Word the message to suit your personal style

When appropriate, combine two elements in a single phrase

Take your time delivering the message
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Saving Face

Responding Nondefensively to Criticism

Seek more information

Ask for specifics

Guess about specifics

Paraphrase the speaker’s ideas

Ask what the critic wants

Ask about the consequences of your behavior

Ask what else is wrong
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Saving Face

Responding Nondefensively to
Criticism
 Agree
with the critic
 Agree
with the facts

“You’re right, I am angry.”

“I suppose I was being defensive.”

“Now that you mention it, I did get pretty
sarcastic.”
 Agree
with the critic's perception

“It’s silly to be angry.”

“You have no reason for being defensive.”

“You were wrong to be so sarcastic.”
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