Chapters 10 & 11
Looking Out, Looking In Adler &Proctor II: 12 th Ed.

“The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; that’s the essence of inhumanity.”

 Positive or negative
 The climate of a relationship is shaped by the degree to which people believe themselves to be valued by one another
 Confirming/disconfirming communication hand out

 Test of character (waiter)
 How do you respond

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S. Freud
J. Gibbs

 Handout on Defensive mechanisms
 Three defense mechanisms described broadly:
1.
Attacking
2.
Distorting Critical information
3.
Avoiding Dissonant information

 Theorist: Jack Gibb
 Table 10. 3 supportive & defensive categories
 Evaluation v description
 Control v problem orientation
 Strategy v spontaneity
 Neutrality v empathy
 Superiority v equality
 Certainty v professionalism

 P. 344-345
 Certainty v Provisionalism
 Certainty = regarding own opinions with certainty without regard/respect for ideas of others
 Provisionalism = may have strong personal opinion but recognize not an expert and will adapt if presented with more reasonable information

 Avoid attacking [even if attacked first]
 Express your needs & be open to others’ needs
 Have the goal of reaching a mutually acceptable solution [win-win approach]
 Both walk away with dignity in tact

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
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Objective behavioral description
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Specific & factual
Example: “when you responded to my question of what time the party at your place is in my email by forwarding a past email you sent to me and not addressing any of the other parts of my email…”
Interpretation from your perspective
Subjective & represents your view
Example “…I felt that you are implying that my question was an irresponsible waste of your time and you don’t want to address any other part of the email with a personal touch especially since our discussions lately have seemed strained to me.”
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Add the feeling behind the interpretation of the behavior
Subjective & representative
Example “forwarding me your email makes me feel insignificant—like I’m not worth your time to address me directly”
Point out the consequence relevant to the behavior
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Consequences to self, the person being addressed, and others
Example “When I got the impersonal forward of a weeks-old email, I became wary of coming to the party at all but that wouldn’t be fair to our kids who were looking forward to the party, but I don’t know if we are still welcome”
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Intention —the point of bringing all of this up, what is it you expect from the person now?
Example “since the party is tomorrow, I wanted to clear everything up: are we still invited?
If not, what can I do to reconcile my daughter going even if I am not welcome?”

 List those in your life you have conflict with
 Label: family, friend, professional, or educational
 No identifying data for those listed
 Type, first name, what the conflict is

 Shot down the argument
 Fire away
 Don’t blow up
 Short fuse
 Give up
 You win

 Definition p. 367
 An expressed struggle between at least 2 interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals
 Key parts hand out