This is an example of a “B” essay by a freshman in English 9 ACP.
The proofreading grade was a 95.
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Student Name
Mrs. Garcia
English 9-ACP
23 April 2012
Throwing a Book Away: Finally a Reason!
Everyone has read a book with strengths and weaknesses. Novels with strengths are hard
to put down like ones by Sarah Dessen. A piece of literature that has several weaknesses makes
the reader want to clean a toilet rather than read. Weak stories lack fascinating details and
attention grabbing events. Authors have written thousands of novels that meet the criteria of
being lasting literature, but The Alchemist is a children’s story with few likable characteristics.
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho is a pathetic attempt at a book; it fails to meet the expectations
of a solid or engaging classic.
The mark of a poor book is one that limits description making understanding of the book
difficult. The author introduces characters with a simple name, but fails to explain
the character vividly. For instance, the author introduces the Englishman by saying, “The
Englishman was sitting on a bench…” (65). Readers want to know about the Englishman's
appearance. Although, Coelho does say that the Englishman studied multiple topics and is now
working to master alchemy, readers have no idea what the person looks like, smells like, or
sounds like. Without the ability to create a mental picture of a character, a reader relationship
with the character is hindered. Having no description means the characters are blurry, bland or
just not in the “movie” at all. Not only does a writer need to develop his characters fully, but
the setting needs to have texture, as well. Aside from Santiago looking for pyramids and having
to cross the Sahara desert, there is little else to create a mental picture. Coelho introduces the
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places Santiago visits with little to no detail. Coelho states, “The two were taken to a
nearby military camp” (139). People have ideas of what a military camp might look like, but
Coelho does not tell the reader what it looks like to the characters. The reader does not know
how many soldiers are present or where the tents linger. All the reader can imagine is lots of
sand with some tents scattered here and there along the journey. On the other hand, when Coelho
describes the abandoned church, the reader can see it, “The roof had fallen in long ago, and an
enormous sycamore had grown on the spot where the sacristy had once stood” (3). The reader
can picture an old church where at nighttime the stars shine in with an enormous sycamore in the
middle of the room. That is one of the only instances that Coelho gives enough details allowing
the reader to see the scene adequately. Most of the story provides only a bland image or movie
that runs through the reader’s mind. The characters are stick figures with sand covering
everything the eye can see.
Children growing up read stories with happy endings or ones that are predictable from the
beginning. A “Disney” ending or happily ever after ending can be considered a weaker type
ending. The Disney resolution is okay for young children, but literature connoisseurs need
something richer. In The Alchemist, Santiago goes in search of his Personal Legend or treasure.
Along the way, Santiago meets new people that help him to continue on, or they hurt him, which
makes him almost give up. On his way, he meets a girl named Fatima and falls in love with her.
He is willing to forget about his Personal Legend and marry her. In the end, Santiago finds
his riches and gets Fatima. Santiago whispers to himself, “I’m coming, Fatima” (167). It is the
perfect fairy tale; the boy gets the treasure and the girl. A fairy tale romance is inevitable
and tiresome to read. The reader does not have to think or wonder about what could happen next
or how the text will end. A better way to end the story would be for Santiago to have not found
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any tangible treasure. Instead, Santiago learns that the language of the world and listening to
one’s heart is his Personal Legend. When he shares with the fortuneteller, he will be able to share
all of his fortune and not just 10%. At the same time, he will continue to hold onto 100% of his
newly discovered fortune.
Furthermore, a tragic attempt at a book briefly touches upon an idea then quickly changes
to the next without an explanation. Coelho mentions that Santiago went to seminary school but
fails to inform the reader why. This makes the reader think that Santiago is going to be smart, but
Santiago appears ignorant when he hands all of his money over to a stranger. The reader
would assume a boy who has been a shepherd for as long as him would know not to give a
stranger all of his money. This makes Santiago appear uneducated in readers’ eyes. The author
mentions religion but then moves on, like when Santiago is going through the desert, “Each man
was swearing quietly to his or her own God. The boy swore to Jesus Christ” (71-72). The author
tells the reader they were praying for their safety from the desert. A way to make this better
would be for the author to tell the reader what Santiago said to Jesus Christ. Coelho also states
that the Englishman does not pray to anyone. To go more in depth, Santiago could ask the
Englishman about his religion or why he does not pray.
A decent piece of literature has a plot that causes the reader’s mind to wonder and ponder
the events that have occurred. The literature should lead the reader to want to make predictions
about what is going to happen next. The Alchemist does not require the reader ponder the recent
events but rather think about other stories and choose the ending before the book begins. Plots
get copied all the time; authors change story lines so that the books seem new and intriguing.
Coelho does not; he keeps the plot traditional. He takes liberties to change some characters and
where the story takes place but follows the story lines of previous literature successes. He has
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Santiago go on a journey to a place he has never been before. In The Little Mermaid, Ariel
travels to the mainland to find her Personal Legend. Santiago has to give up his sheep
for money to travel to the new land; likewise Ariel has to give up her voice, so she can have legs
to walk. Similarly, Santiago gets all of his money stolen; Ursula, an imposter, try to
steal Ariel's man that is falling in love with her. The storyline of The Alchemist is one that has
been written hundreds of times. The other versions make the reader examine the events, whereas,
now the reader wonders, “Have I read this before? What is the point of me reading it again?”
Readers should want to read a decent piece of reading again and again even though they know
what happens, while The Alchemist is hard to finish even the first time.
Not all novels make a reader want to clean a bathroom, but The Alchemist does. This
novel lacks the gripping details needed to keep the reader’s attention. This piece of literature
lacks a brain-stimulating plot. A decent book can be read hundreds of times and the end is still
appealing, but The Alchemist makes the audience want to throw the book across the room.
Teacher Notes:
This essay scored a B for content and 95 on form/proofreading. It really shows what more
focused effort can do because the student achieved only a C+ on his/her previous essay.
On a scale of 1 to 6 in each category, for a maximum total of 24, the student scored 18, broken
down as follows:
Thesis or Controlling Idea:
4
Evidence and Text Support:
3.5
Ideas, Extension, and Elaboration: 4.5
Organization, Mechanics, and Style: 5.5
The essay was strong overall. The use of apt vocabulary (i.e. “connoisseurs,” “tangible”) helps
contribute to the emerging writer’s voice. However…
 The student should use more quotations from the novel. There is evidence in some
paragraphs, but not in others.
 The student would benefit from using some transitions words in certain areas.
 There are some grammatical errors
o Comma splices
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o Typographical errors
Teachers’ comments include:
 p. 1: “This paragraph contains ample evidence, but the others need evidence too.”
 p. 2: Word choice? People “linger,” not objects usually
 p. 2: Trim repetition
 p. 2: “Perhaps also discuss why, then, Disney films and fairytales continue to be so
popular.”
 p. 3: “Explain more clearly. Is knowledge the fortune?”
 p. 3: Seminary school prepares men for the priesthood; it’s implied.”
 p. 3: “Need transition here”
 p. 3 “Why? Explain the context.”
 p. 3 “Ok, and how would that enhance the novel? How is the novel hurt by not having
those details?”
 p. 3: “Clarify this sentence. Isn’t a storyline a plot?”
 p. 3: “What do you mean by traditional?”
 p. 3: “Give evidence/quote from The Alchemist to support.”
 p. 3: “Aren’t we all on a quest? (universal). So many texts use a quest as their basis.
Some literary critics argue that there is only one plot, really, in all of literature. (See How
To Read Literature Like a Professor by Thomas C. Foster.)
 p. 4: “Are those other texts cliché and condemnable too?
 p. 4: “Need to add a bit to conclusion.”
 p. 4: “Trim repetition”
 p. 4: [“read hundreds of times”] is “too extreme. I teach English and I’ve never read any
book more than twice.”