The Ultimate Guide
To
Becoming
A
Boatswain’s mate
BY BM1 Sam Burnside
Forward:
As many have heard the story of creation, God rested on the seventh day. This is true. He
needed to rest for his next creation. As a long poem goes on to tell of how awesome
Boatswain’s Mates are I will just get down to the meat and potatoes of it, because as a
Boatswain’s Mate I keep it simple. Direct quote and last verse of the poem goes “They
can make a dozen rates, but only GOD can make Boatswain’s Mates.” So as the powers
that be who edited the good book, left out the eighth and ninth day when the Almighty
created arguably the best creation, Boatswain’s Mates.
Scholars believed that DiVinci had painted Adam, but recent findings concluded this was the first Boatswain’s Mate.
Table of Contents
Chapter One………………….……Recognizing Your Inner Boatswain’s Mate
Chapter Two……………………....Instilling Fear into Others
Chapter Three…………………….Good Ol’ Fashion Ass Chewin’
Chapter Four……………...............The Art of Yelling
Chapter Five……………………… Facial Expressions/Body Language
Chapter Six……………………….. Silent Orders
Chapter Seven…………………….Ridicule
Chapter Eight……………………..Discontent for Other Rates
Chapter Nine……………………...Knowing Everything
Chapter Ten………………………Repetitive Questions
Chapter Eleven………………...… Sea Stories
Chapter Twelve………………..… Silence IS Power
Chapter Thirteen………………… Stealth Mode
Chapter Fourteen………………… Knives
Chapter Fifteen…………………... Painting Perfection
Chapter Sixteen…………………… Coffee
Chapter Seventeen………………... Mustaches
Chapter One:
Recognizing Your Inner Boatswain’s Mate
Have ever found yourself suddenly angry, power hungry, disappointed in others, or
having an unusually high opinion of yourself? These are some tell-tale signs, there is a
Boatswain’s Mate fighting to get out. Do not be alarmed. Letting your inner Boatswain’s
Mate out is probably the best single thing a person can do. However not all people have
this in them that is why they go other rates. The transformation is nothing like a scene
from ‘Aliens’, a beast will not just rip through your body and release havoc upon the
world. The transformation is much like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon or a flower
blossoming. It is a beautiful transition……for the person being transformed. It is a
horrific sight for others. The sight of your recent transformation will be akin to that of the
releasing of the Kraken for those who are not Boatswain’s Mates. This “horrific” sight
will be the new you, reborn with crossed anchors and a mindset of doing no wrong, ever.
Your vocabulary will change. You will use more colorful words to describe your
displeasure to or with others. Your family and friends will notice the change an
undoubtedly approve. Yes, recognizing and releasing your inner Boatswain’s Mate is
crucial to the betterification of all personnel below your towering prestige.
The Kraken was the first non-human Boatswain’s Mate
Chapter Two:
Instilling Fear into Others
Fear is the biggest tool in a Boatswain’s Mate tool bag. Without fear Boatswain’s Mates
could not be, and without Boatswain’s Mates fear could not exist. When folks, civilian or
otherwise, find out you are a Boatswain’s Mate they immediately are taken aback and
deep down inside weep for their mommies. This should be every non-Boatswain’s Mate
initial reaction. If this is not their initial reaction you are talking to a fellow Boatswain’s
Mate. Having your subordinates always on the lookout for the emotional explosion is key
to the keeping of good order and discipline. Also having those beneath you ever guessing
whether or not you are pleased with their work will insure without having to micro
manage that things are being done correctly and up to our unquenchable satisfaction.
However, micro managing is a sport Boatswain’s Mates play out of shear entertainment,
and also helps instill fear in those who aim to please us. Chapters three through eight will
break all of this down for proper execution of instilling the FEAR.
Staring out at the Great Blue Yonder, this old Boatswain’s Mate contemplates his next move.
Chapter Three:
Good Ol’ Fashion Ass Chewin’
The trusty good ol’ fashion ass chewin’ is a staple for every Boatswain’s Mate to know,
love, embrace, and exercise. This is the single greatest and fastest way to instill fear in
those you mean to rule. When a new Boatswain’s Mate encounters their first situation for
which an ass chewing is warranted, they should feel like the Grinch when his heart grew
three times and broke that frame in which a Damage Controlman clearly welded it
because it broke. But instead of our hearts growing, scientist have recently discovered
Boatswain’s Mates have no hearts, a set of crossed anchors that are in its place will grow
five times, breaking any frame ever created. The release of such an ass chewing should
be felt by every Boatswain’s Mate within a two nautical mile radius and heard by
everyone within three. Ass chewings are authorized for any situation no matter how
minute the matter is. When in doubt, scream it out.
Clearly the work of a Damage Controlman
.
Chapter Four:
The Art of Yelling
Merely shouting “Hey you, dummy don’t do that.” will not suffice. Yelling is a true art
form mastered almost exclusively by Boatswain’s Mates. When commencing in this
verbal martial art, do not be afraid to mix up words, use the wrong words, and make up
words that don’t exist, or use two sets of words that contradict each other. The louder, the
angrier, the more incoherent you can sound the better. This will immediately put the
subject off guard and listen to what you are attempting to say. They will be fixated on
your words, because if you’re doing it right, nothing you say should make any sense.
Here is an example conversation/scenario on how this should go.
A seaman is cleaning the boat with the wrong brush and is taking too long.
BM: “What the hell are you doing?”
SN: “Well Boats, I was…”
BM: “Don’t interrupt me! Who’d the hell you think you are, a God d@mn, Master
Chief?! Who taught you how to clean a boat?! Sure wasn’t your momma, trying to get all
that splickitysplack off with that brush! You’re the dumbest, over educated moron on this
side of Tim Tebow’s bible verse face paint! Get back to work and quit wasting your time
college boy!”
In this example, the relevance of his education level or his work ethic is irrelevant.
No Boatswain’s Mate ever loses his ability to yell.
Chapter Five:
Facial Expressions/Body Language
Facial expressions are almost as important as yelling techniques. Studies have shown
body language is more powerful than words. Since Boatswain’s Mates are one of the
most powerful beings on Earth, we are masters of this as well. The key principle method
of using facial expressions is controlling your mouth. Eyes should be covered by
sunglasses almost all the time, even in low light areas. A Boatswain’s Mate never smiles
unless it is right after he/she has emotionally destroyed someone or if they hear the word
“beer”. There are three facial expressions that are important, the Frown, the Snarl and the
most intimidating the Straight Face. The straight face expresses no emotion, you become
like an Autobot. Nothing fazes you. This will keep those of lesser grade or rate guessing
to which type of mood you are in. This confusion will help drive the fear you desire as
talked about in chapter two. Another thing to use is body language. This body language is
restricted to the head, shoulders, and arms. The arms should remain folded across your
chest. Your head shall never nod in agreement unless conversing with other Boatswain’s
Mates. The best practice for this is to observe someone working and stand there
motionless; arms folded, sunglasses and cover on, straight face, and very slowly shake
your head from side to side with displeasure. Even if whomever you are observing is
correct in their actions this will surely double check their work if they are in the presence
of a staring Boatswain’s Mate.
Perfect example of the Crossed Arm
Straight Face
You should feel like you morphed into
a wolf for the Lip Snarl
Chapter Six:
Silent Orders
Silent orders are one of the hardest types of order to master as a Boatswain’s Mate. The
real masters of this craft are Chiefs, Senior Chiefs, and Master Chiefs. Their beady
scowling eyes say everything that is required. A silent order is made by simply staring at
something in view of a subordinate and showing some form of displeasure. This could
either be a simple dirty look, a head shake, a finger swipe across an object, or even a huff.
True a huff is not silent, but it is not a vocalization of a word therefore it qualifies. Huffs
and gruffs are used to gain attention so that you may not lower yourself to actually
speaking to someone of lesser stature. Words should only be used by Boatswain’s Mates
when in the process of chewin’ ass, yelling, ridiculing, asking repetitive questions, telling
sea stories, and when conversing with other Boatswain’s Mates. An example of the most
impressive use of the Silent Order was recently unearthed by ‘National Geographic: Did
Boatswain’s Mates Build Rome?’ in their January 2012 edition. Researchers debunked
the myth that Rome wasn’t built in a day citing from ancient text “As the Master
Boatswain looked upon the land, his minions gave rise to a new city. Silently he pointed
to where and which building would be placed and they built his city before the sun lay to
rest.” Some may think this is impressive, but this is typical of the raw power silent orders
can generate.
The word Gladiator translated from Latin means Boatswain’s Mate. During the Games, Gladiators or Boatswain’s
Mates would slay lesser rates such as Machinery Technicians, Storekeepers, and non-rates for the amusement of the
masses. Interesting fact from the University of Rome, not a single Boatswain’s Mate ever died in the arena
Chapter Seven:
Ridicule
Ridicule is the fuel that keeps a Boatswain’s Mates’ fire raging. Dubbed as “being an
asshole” by other rates, ridicule is used as a quality control measure to insure that a
mistake by others will never be made again. There two forms of ridicule, Public and
Public. Confusing huh? That’s the point. The first public ridicule is made in front of
others who work for you at the workplace. The second is done in front of the general
public. Ridicule at work can take place at anytime and anywhere and is highly
encouraged. The second is generally done when someone, such as a break-in coxswain, is
trying to develop boat handling skills at a crowded marina for example. If you are ever in
doubt of whether or not ridicule is appropriate, rest assured it is.
Below are three examples of ridicule.
A seaman attempting to make up a bit by throwing line around it
BM: “What the hell are you doing? That’s not how you make a bit! Do you think you’re a cowboy? Save that for
the rodeo Tex. You know what, why don’t you go wrassle up some vittles for me and my posse, dumbass.”
A Machinery Technician attempting to more a boat
BM: “Good God man. If you fixed engines like you drive boats we’d both be out of a job! Get out of that chair
and go clean up some oil, bilge rat!
A junior Boatswain’s Mate breaking in coxswain moors the boat to a pier and is seeking approval
BM: “Yeah, that was a good job considering if this was an emergency that victim would have died, slow poke!
Christ, I have to go shave again because it took you a week and a half to move the damn boat ten feet! Get out of
that chair and watch how it’s done son.”
It has also been disgusted that Boatswain’s Mate are cannibalistic, for we eat our young.
This is true not in the literal sense, but is true is the sense that constant verbal abuse is
required to build a Boatswain’s Mate.
An old sketch of a Boatswain’s Mate ridiculing his subordinates. Circa 1453AD
Chapter Eight:
Discontent for Other Rates
It shall be known for all time that you either are a Boatswain’s Mate or you work for one.
As a Boatswain’s Mate you are required by law to have discontent, disregard, and a
general disrespect of other rates. For they were not worthy of becoming a Boatswain’s
Mate they must be treated as miscreants and fools. Because a Boatswain’s Mate is so
great he divvies out work to those who will grovel at the chance to be near one. A
Boatswain’s Mate’s discontent also occurs from the ineptitude of other rates to do their
own bidding or work. Boatswain’s Mates often have to tell Yeoman, Storekeepers,
Operations Specialist, Machinery Technicians, Damage Controlmen, Food Service
Specialist, Gunner’s Mates, and Maritime Enforcement Specialist how to do their jobs.
As you can imagine this is annoying. Other rates such as Electronic Technicians and
Information Technicians shall be referenced as the ‘Geek Squad’. They torture
themselves enough with Dungeons and Dragons and World of Warcraft, therefore any
adage to their internal destruction is unnecessary. Also, at no time ever will a
Boatswain’s Mate ever associate with any rate from the aviation field. Simply put they
are all morons with a death wish. A Boatswain’s Mate takes comfort in knowing there are
more planes in the ocean than there are boats in the sky.
How “cool” does aviation look now?
Chapter Nine:
Knowing Everything
Since being a Boatswain’s Mate is already half the battle of knowing everything, here are
the ways you get the other half. Other rates see us as being the all knowing rate, which
we are, continually seek our guidance. When they ask us questions that we do not know
the answers to, don’t take the easy way out by looking it up for them. Make something
up. How do birds fly? They wing it. This sets you up for an opportunity to yell at them
later on for not knowing something, the fact that you may or may not have led them
astray is irrelevant and their own fault for not putting in the effort to find out for
themselves. Boatswain’s Mates are always sure of their responses because typically they
are never wrong, and by typically I mean all the time. The only time a Boatswain’s Mate
can be proven wrong is by another Boatswain’s Mate who is superior to them. If you are
that superior Boatswain’s Mate your word and knowledge are as good as gold. Molding
young Boatswain’s Mates turn learn these techniques, is paramount to the highest
traditions set forth by the rates founder, God.
An actual account of a senior Boatswain’s Mate teaching a junior about how to know everything
BM3: Hey Boats, how do you always have the answers to everything and know so much?
BM1: I just make sh#t up half the time.
End of lesson.
This is what the typical question asker looks like.
Chapter Ten:
Repetitive Questions
The only thing more fulfilling than a good ol’ fashion ass chewin’ is asking repetitive
questions. Asking the same question multiple times to the same individual will put them
on edge and make them eventually question themselves thus making them ask you a
question about how to do whatever it is they are doing. This mental assault on others
keeps a Boatswain’s Mate’s mind sharp and keen for any changes to his environment.
This incisive inquiring will no doubt get under the skin of your subject, and more than
likely will prompt the subject to retaliate with verbal combat. If this happens, joy to the
world, you get to have your cake and eat it too. Commence with good ol’ fashion ass
chewin’ to put the subject back into his/her rightful place.
Here is an example of this process
A hull painting project in progress
BM: “Did you wipe that down with alcohol?”
SN: “Yes.”
BM: “Well make sure to wipe it down good before you paint.”
SN: “Aye-Aye”
5 minutes later
BM: “Did you wipe that down with alcohol?”
SN: “Yes.”
BM: “Well make sure to wipe it down good before you paint.”
SN: “Aye-Aye”
5 minutes later
BM: “Did you wipe that down with alcohol?”
SN: “Yes.”
BM: “Well make sure to wipe it down good before you paint.”
SN: “Aye-Aye”
5 minutes later
BM: “Did you wipe that down with alcohol?”
SN: “Yes.”
BM: “Well make sure to wipe it down good before you paint.”
SN: “YOU ALL AREADY TOLD ME THAT!!!”
BM: “Watch your mouth junior! Who do you think you’re talkin’ to! I gave you simple instruction, NOW do
what the f@#k I told you to do!!! And if I hear another word out of your moth that ain’t AYE-AYE, so help me
God, I will end you!!!!!!!”
SN: “Aye-Aye”
Walks away laughing
As the above has shown, this is the proper way to handle a verbal insurrection.
Chapter Eleven:
Sea Stories
Since the Boatswain’s Mate rate has been around since the beginning of time, most of our
history has been passed through the generations in the form of oral history or Sea Stories.
As a Boatswain’s Mate every situation you encounter should have a correlating sea story
to accompany it. Boatswain’s Mates are obligated to share the long version of any sea
story when the time presents itself. If one sea story leads to another then another, so be it.
Every sea story shall start with any of the following words “There I was” “Oh yeah, well”
“No sh#t, this really happened” “Back at my last unit” “When I was on the”. This will let
your audience know to get comfortable because it’s going to a while. If a Boatswain’s
Mate tells another Boatswain’s Mate a sea story, the other is obliged to either interrupt
with his own story or one up the other story. This process may take hours until a victor is
crowned and/or liberty piped. Boatswain’s Mates are hyper-competitive by natural so
there will be a winner. Remember, much like ridiculing, there is never a bad time for a
sea story.
Example of a Sea Story
“When I was on the HARRIET LANE, it was all of 18ft seas and 50kts of wind out of the northeast when we left
Bermuda. Non-rates puking over the side like a bunch of pansies. I just sat on the foc’sle drinkin’ my coffee and lit a
cigarette with no problem. I tell you what, it stormed like that for four days, didn’t feed the fish not once. I had to take
the watch for two days straight cause everyone was sick. What a bunch of………………………………..................”
And so on and so on and so on
Chapter Twelve:
Silence IS Power
When a Boatswain’s Mate isn’t invading the eardrums of an unsuspecting victim with his
tales from the days of old, he uses silence to say it all. When approached by a subordinate
who asks you a question, just simply stare at him/her silently until they leave. Your
telepathy will tell them to find someone who cares. When a new member reports in,
preferably someone who is fresh from boot camp, have them sit in your office in a corner
chair. Pretend not to notice them for at least fifteen minutes, if you become really good at
this you may actually not notice them…for days. It is essential to assert yourself as the
dominate one. While the subject is sitting in a corner chair, feel free to egress the office
securing the lights and grab a cup of coffee. When you come back, this is when you break
your silence. Ask them either “When did you get here?” or “Why are you in my office?”
or both. This confusion will cement your dominance over the subject by making them
feel unworthy to be in your presence, which unless they are a Boatswain’s Mate. If a
Boatswain’s Mate is transiting a passageway, others believe this when a Boatswain’s
Mate is at their most vulnerable. This is of course false; a Boatswain’s Mate is never
vulnerable. However, the others do and this is when they try to ask the most questions. It
is your responsibility to keep moving as if you did not hear them. Also when a
Boatswain’s Mate is toiling the day away at a desk, and is approached with remedial
questions, simply use a “Shoo Fly” wave, and they should scurry away.
If they would only let us have these signs.
Chapter Thirteen:
Stealth Mode
Stealth is a tool no Boatswain’s Mate should be without. Your ability to silently sneak up
on unsuspecting prey and dispatch them verbally is very important. If you can magically
appear from seemingly nowhere and surprise a group of non-rates who are slacking off
you win twice. I say twice because now you get to issue a good ol’ fashion ass chewin’.
Once you make a sudden appearance it is also important, but not as important as the
arrival, to have a stealth like disappearance. This will leave your targets baffled and
confused on how a person can just appear and disappear without anyone noticing. Little
do they know you are not a person anymore you are a Boatswain’s Mate. Remember the
transformation from Chapter One?
Little known fact, Boatswain’s Mates were observed by Northrop Grumman’s Research and Development program on
how to convert a Boatswain’s Mate’s natural stealth technology and use it on the B-2 Stealth Bomber for the USAF.
Chapter Fourteen:
Knives
Simply put knives are cool. This one of the few actual tools a Boatswain’s Mate carries
and/or sleeps with. A Boatswain’s Mate forged the first knife from the femur of an
Operations Specialist some 40,000yrs ago. Boatswain’s Mate have been wielding them
ever since. Invented by Boatswain’s Mate’s and made popular by Boatswain’s Mate
action films such as ‘Rambo’ and ‘Crocodile Dundee’, the knife can be used for anything,
including threatening, cutting, slicing, and trimming moustaches and fingernails. A
Boatswain’s Mate shall retain a ludicrously sharp edge on the blade at all times.
The Operations Specialist who sacrificed his femur for the first knife ever created had his leg removed by a
Boatswain’s Mate for waking him up at 0230 for a green flare sighting case. The fossil record showed that the same
Operations Specialist was also the first person to be slain by a knife.
Chapter Fifteen:
Painting Perfection
Boatswain’s Mates take pride in everything they do. Painting is at the very pinnacle of
this. World renowned painters like Van Gogh, Monet, and Rembrandt have nothing on
the skills necessary to paint a boat that a Boatswain’s Mate possesses. Every Boatswain’s
Mate is a master painter. From birth a Boatswain’s Mate is given a paint brush with no
instruction on how to use it. It is not necessary; a Boatswain’s Mate is born knowing how
to paint. During a paint project, Boatswain’s Mates gather like moths to a flame. This can
be quite a sight. Since every Boatswain’s Mate is a master painter, they all think the other
cannot paint and that they are the best. These battles are fought over who is the best until
all non-rated personnel finish the project and there is nothing left to discuss.
Seen here non-rates finish painting project, while Boatswain’s Mates (not pictured) ridicule, share sea stories, drink
coffee, critique the non-rate’s painting skills, and talk about how good they can paint.
Chapter Sixteen:
Coffee
Coffee, the nectar of the gods. A Boatswain’s Mate cannot function properly without
coffee. A Boatswain’s Mate must retain 3:1 mix of coffee to blood to keep him from
going absolutely crazy. There are many ways to have coffee Regular, Black, and
Midwatch Brew. Regular is using the prescribed amount in the coffee maker in
accordance with manufacturer’s instruction, poured in to a cup with sugar and cream.
Black is done in the exact same method using no cream whatsoever, sugar optional. Now
the Midwatch Brew. A favorite amongst Boatswain’s Mates, for this use two to three
times more coffee than manufacturer’s specifications and let it sit brewing for a minimum
of two to four hours. This coffee should be thick, bitter, and strong enough to wake the
dead. Boatswain’s Mates coffee ration should be regulated to two to three pots per day.
Over caffinenation of a Boatswain’s Mate may result in longer than normal work days,
longer than normal sea stories, and restlessness.
Coffee was created by combining the tears of a Food Service Specialist, the shrieks of a Yeoman, and the fear of
Seaman. Early Boatswain’s Mates used these ingredients to make a tasty stimulating drink. Boatswain Mitch Coffee
was the inventor of the drink in which it is named. Boatswain’s Mates from ancient Columbia cultivated the first coffee
beans in the mountains and later sold the plantation to a Mr. Juan Valdez, so that the Boatswain’s Mates could focus on
other things like drinking it.
Chapter Seventeen:
Moustaches
Nothing screams Boatswain’s Mate like a moustache. Typically seen on the silverbacks
of the rate i.e. BMC thru BMCM, the moustache is a harbinger of doom and desire.
Moustaches are seen in many shapes and sizes, all are awesome. If a Boatswain’s Mate
cannot grow a moustache it is encouraged to at least pretend that you do. A moustache is
not just the most authoritative piece of body jewelry one can wear; it is a symbol
strength, honor and general badassness. Each Boatswain’s Mate is highly encouraged to
grow one and maintain a moustache in such a way that there is no mistaking your
profession. Once at the Chief or above level it is required to have a moustache.
Note the great care and meticulous grooming this Boatswain’s Mate put into his fine ‘stache’