SECTION 4
LESSON 4
Under Construction
Youth Model the Style of Parents
and Surrogate Parents
EVALUATING AND MODELING PARENTAL BEHAVIOR
As you were growing up, your parents may have acted toward others or in general in certain ways that had
such a negative impact on you that you vowed to never be that way when you grew up. On the other hand, they may
have acted in certain ways that you thought were great and that had such a positive impact on you that when you grew
up you found yourself being the same way and feeling good about it. .
Study the list below and, as you do, try to remember if any of the categories describe the way your parent
behaved. Some of the categories might represent something your parent seldom did or did only once but you
remember now, in retrospect, that seeing your parent behave this way had a high impact on you. Other categories
could represent ways that your parent often behaved. You might even find, after studying the categories, that your
parent behaved in opposite ways. From the list on the following page, find all of the categories that you feel describe
your parent’s behavior as you were growing up. Try to disregard the fact that some of the words are misspelled
because they are adapted to the specific purpose of this inventory. If you do not find terms that you feel describe your
situation, there are spaces at the bottom where you can add your own terms.
Use one form for each parent, step parent or other who served as a parent to you. Indicate in the blank
below which parent, step parent, or parent substitute you are rating below. _________________________________
As you study these categories, write the ones that describe the parent or substitute parent you are rating
under the appropriate columns below. You may also make up your own. List as many categories as you like.
I WANTED TO BE LIKE THIS
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
I DID NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
Describing Your Parent OR a Parent
The following is a list of terms that could describe the way parents relate to they children from the point of
view of the child or an outside observer. A parent is unlikely to want to attribute an unflattering category to
themselves. An adult, recalling their childhood, might also have a hard time choosing what they feel is a negative
category to describe their own parent. Ascribing some negative categories might even arouse feelings of hurt or pain
as you remember actual situations from your childhood. However, if you stop and try to be brutally honest with
yourself in describing your parent, OR your spouse as parent, you may find that some things you have avoided
admitting about the way your parent related to you, nevertheless, was the way they actually did relate to you. Study
the list below and, as you do, try to remember if any of the categories describe the way your parent related to you.
Some of the categories might represent something your parent did seldom or only once but you remember now, in
retrospect, as having had a high impact on you. Other categories could represent something that your parent did
often. You might even find, after studying the categories, that your parent related to you in opposite ways. Circle all
of the categories that you feel apply to the way your parent related to you as a child. Try to disregard the fact that
some of the words are misspelled because they are adapted to the specific purpose of this inventory. If you do not
find terms that you feel describe your situation, there are spaces at the bottom where you can add your own terms.
Use one form for each parent, step parent or other who served as a parent to you. Indicate in the blank
below which parent, step parent, or parent substitute you are rating below.
______________________________
1
As you study these categories, use the preceding list to help you fill in the blanks in the sentences that
follow. You may also make up your own categories. For each of the fill-in-the blank-sentences below there is space
to write all of categories that could fit in that sentence. For each sentence fill in as many categories as you like. If
you feel writing in a category would be repetitive, you need not write it in.
LIST OF ADJECTIVES DESIGNATING PARENTAL ROLES AND STYLES
MOST PARENTS TAKE SEVERAL OF THESE ROLE DEPENDING UPON THE CONTEXT
SEARCH THE LIST BELOW AND FIND THE TERMS THAT DESCRIBE PARENTS THAT YOU HAVE KNOWN. WHAT WAS THEIR TEENAGER LIKE?
PARENTAL ROLES AND STYLES
ABANDONED
ENEMY
PROSECUTOR
ABUSER, SEXUAL
EXCUSER
PROTECTOR
ABUSER, PHYSICAL
EXPERT
QUITTER, GIVING UP ON ME
ABUSER, EMOTIONAL
EXPOSER
REBELLIOUS CHILD
ACCUSER
EXPLOITER
REJECTER
ADVISER
FLIRT
RELIVED THEIR LIFE THROUGH CHILD
AGGRESSIVE
FRIGHTENED CHILD
PUSHER
ALLY
GAME PLAYER
RESCUER
AVOIDER
HARASSER
RIDICULER
BETRAYER
HEALER
RIVAL
BUDDY/FRIEND/PEER
HELPER
SADIST
COLD WAR ENEMY
INDULGER
SALESMAN
COACH
INTERROGATOR
SEDUCER
COLLABORATOR
JUDGE
SET UP ARTIST
COMPETITOR
LECTURER
SILENT SACRIFICER, MARTYR
COMPROMISER
MANIPULATOR
SOURCE OF THEIR PRIDE
CONDITIONAL LOVE
MASTER
SOURCE OF THEIR SECURITY AND HAPPINESS
CONQUEROR
MONITOR
SOURCE OF THEIR SHAME
CO-CONSPIRATOR
NEGLECTER
CAUSE OF THEIR MISERY, WORRY, STRESS
CONFRONTER
NEGOTIATOR
SYMPATHIZER
CONTROLLER
NURTURER
SWEETHEART
CRITIC
OSTRACIZER
TEACHER
DECEIVER
OVER PROTECTOR
TEASER
DEFENDER
PAMPERER
TEMPTER
DEMORALIZER
PASSIVE AVOIDER
THERAPIST/COUNSELOR
DEPENDENT CHILD
PERSECUTOR
TORTURER
DESERTER
PLACATER
TRAITOR
DISCOURAGER
PLAYFUL CHILD
TURNCOAT
DOCTOR/NURSE
PROMOTER
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE/ACCEPTANCE
DRILL SERGEANT
PROMISER
VICTIM
EMPOWERER
ENCOURAGER
YIELDER
DESCRIBING THE WAY YOUR PARENT RELATED TO YOU
•My (father/mother/substitute) _______________________________me.
•Additional categories ______________________________________
•My (father/mother/substitute) related to - or talked to - or treated - me as though they were a(n)/the
________________
•Additional categories
•My (father/mother/substitute) related to - or talked to - or treated - me as though I were a(n)/the
__________________.
•Additional categories
•My (father/mother/substitute) was / was a ________________________ with me or to me or of me.
•Additional categories
•My (father/mother/substitute) played (the) ________________________ with me.
•Additional categories
•My (father/mother/substitute) was my _____________________________.
•Additional categories
•My (father/mother/substitute) used _______________________________ on me.
•Additional categories
•My (father/mother/substitute) showed me ______________________________.
•Additional categories
•If you wish, construct your own fill in the blank sentence and write in all the categories that apply here.
•Additional categories
THE LANGUAGE AND ART OF GIVING ORDERS AND INSTRUCTIONS TO :
* ‘DO’ AND
* ‘DON’T DO’
HOW DO YOU GIVE YOUR CHILD ORDERS OR INSTRUCTIONS AND PROHIBITIONS?
_________________________________________________________________
HOW DID YOUR PARENTS GIVE YOU ORDERS AND INSTRUCTIONS?
_________________________________________________________
IS YOUR LANGUAGE AND TECHNIQUE WORKING?
____________________________________________
DID THEIR LANGUAGE TECHNIQUE WORK?
__________________________________________
HOW DO YOU REACT WHEN YOUR CHILD COMPLIES WITH OR DEFIES YOU?
_________________________________________________________________
HOW DID YOU REACT TO YOUR PARENTS’ ORDERS AND INSTRUCTIONS?
_________________________________________________________
HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THE VARYING DEGREES OF ADEQUACY OF PERFORMANCE OF A TASK?
_________________________________________________________________
HOW WELL OR POORLY DID YOU TEND TO PERFORM THE TASK?
________________________________________________________
DID YOUR PARENTS TEND TO SHOW APPROVAL OR DISAPPROVAL?
_________________________________________________________
HOW DID YOU REACT TO THEIR APPROVAL OR DISAPPROVAL?
________________________________________________________
WHAT KINDS OF FEELINGS ARE YOU, AS PARENT, LEFT WITH AFTERWARD?
________________________________________________________________
WHAT KINDS OF FEELINGS DO YOU THINK YOUR CHILD IS LEFT WITH AFTERWARD?
_________________________________________________________________
WHAT KINDS OF FEELINGS ARE YOU, AS CHILD, LEFT WITH AFTERWARDS?
________________________________________________________
A Model of Parental Style of Control of Child’s Behavior
Patterns of Language Transactions, Responses, and Residual Feelings
Current or
Anticipated
Situation
Requiring
Command or
Prohibition
1.Level of
Parental
Command
or
Prohibition
Given
2. Level of
Child’s
Compliance
-Defiance
Verbal
Response
3. Level or
Quality of
Child’s
Performance of
Command or
Abstinence from
Prohibition
6. Anticipation of Next Situation Involving
Commands or Prohibition
4. Level of
Parental
Reaction to
Child’s
Performance
5. Parental Residual
Feelings After
Completion of
Scenario
5. Child’s Residual
Feelings after
Completion of
Scenario