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Managing the needs of the
Passive-aggressive adult
Mark Evans, LCPC, DAPA
 Passive-aggressive behavior is marked passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following authoritative instructions in interpersonal or occupational situations.
 Educators and administrators will encounter passive-aggressive behaviors among parents, co-workers, allied professionals, as well as children in the classroom who have learned and imitated these behaviors.

A touchstone for today’s discussion
“To ignore passivity in ourselves and others equals passivity on our part; To ignore opportunities for assertiveness with others may be to encourage aggressiveness from others, and at a time and place not of our choosing.”
-- "Black Children: Coping in a Racist Society" by Alvin F. Poussaint, Voices of Multicultural America: Notable Speeches
Delivered by African, Asian, Hispanic and Native Americans , 1790-1995, ed.
Deborah Gillan Straub, Detroit: Gale Research, 1996)

Topics We’ll Cover Today
 Features of passive-aggressive behavior
 How passive-aggressive behavior is learned and enabled
 Parenting styles of the passive-aggressive caregiver
 Coping styles of the child who has learned passive-aggressive behavior
 Common passive-aggressive behaviors
 Approaches to minimizing the effects of passive-aggressive behaviors
 Maintaining self-care and boundaries
 Case studies and some open discussion

The Black Box Warning
This topic can lead to casual diagnosis and judgment
 Let’s get honest and open with the challenges we face with passive-aggressive behavior
 Let’s avoid specific and identifiable student, parent, or colleague information
 Let’s make everything we say be aimed at:
 Illuminating a problem
 Raising a question for shared learning
 Offering an intervention
 Let’s provide information and experiences, and avoid judgmental or broad statements

Features of passiveaggressive behavior
 Unexpressed anger
 Fear of failure or exposure
 Difficulty submitting to authority despite historical need to do so
 Need for control or influence over the actions of others

Why passive-aggressive behavior bears attention
A simple formula….
 Passive-aggressive =
PASSIVE + AGGRESSIVE
 Passive behavior without aggression still = ANGER

How passive-aggressive behavior is learned and enabled
 Parents who were aggressive and exercised complete control over their child did not let the child express himself or herself.
 This may have pushed the child into adopting passive-aggressive behavior patterns to cope.
If, for example, the child openly disagreed with the parent and was punished for doing so, the child learned to substitute passive resistance for active resistance.

Parenting styles of the caregiver that can lead to passive-aggressive behavior

Controlling

Intolerant of complaints or discussion

Rigid

Could be abusive physically, verbally or sexually

Coping styles of the child who has learned passiveaggressive behavior
 Irritability, defensiveness, and resentfulness
 Lacking self-confidence
 Difficulty experiencing pleasure from relationships with others
 Tendency to give up quickly
 Prone to pouting or sulking

More coping styles of the child who has learned passive-aggressive behavior
 Feeling that others are making unreasonable demands on him or her, but thinks he or she is doing a better job than what they are given credit for
 Blaming others for his or her problems
 Not aware that his or her selfdefeating behaviors are part of their personality

The most common passive-aggressive behaviors
 Obstruction
 Pouting
 Procrastination
 “People-pleasing”
 Addictive behaviors

What does obstruction look like?
Obstructionism is a pattern of behavior through which progress or accomplishment of others is hindered or blocked by slowing down or displaying inefficiency.
In Japan this tactic is known as a "cow walk", and in Hawaii it's known as a "Devil's
Gambit“. Therapists and managers on the west coast have been known to use these terms as short-hand for obstruction.

What does pouting by adults look like?
Sulking and pouting are really just silent forms of tantrums. People use this form of behavior to get their way, to get attention, or to seek revenge. Adults who feel they have been over-controlled sulk or pout when they encounter adults who establish limits.
Children who have permissive parents sulk because…it works.

What does procrastination look like?
 20% of people are chronic procrastinators
 It requires excuses that are acceptable to others.
 Procrastination is not a problem of time management or of planning.
 Procrastination is learned in the family milieu, but not directly.
 Procrastinators tell lies to themselves (e.g, " I work best under pressure“).

What does procrastination look like?
 Procrastinators actively look for distractions, particularly ones that don't take a lot of commitment on their part. Checking e-mail is almost perfect for this purpose.
 There are three types of passive-aggressive procrastination (Ferrari, 2002):
 Arousal types , or thrill-seekers, who wait to the last minute for the euphoric rush.
 Avoiders , who are very concerned with what others think of them
 Decisional procrastinators

What does procrastination look like?
 There are big costs to procrastination:
 Health effects
 Insomnia
 Provocation of anger in others
 Destroyed teamwork and relationships
 Procrastinators can change their behavior — but doing so consumes a lot of psychic energy.
It can be done with highly structured cognitive behavioral therapy.

What does ‘peoplepleasing’ look like?
The features:
 Self-sacrifice, martyrdom

Dependency upon others, difficulty making decisions

Need for approval

Self-deprecation
The effects:

Resentment

Employee burn-out

Emergence of other passive-aggressive behaviors

What do addictive behaviors look like?

Substances : alcohol, cigarettes, prescription medications, drugs

Hobbies that are overdone: videogames, television shows, sports, gym workouts, cars, collectibles

High-risk activities : gambling, unprotected sex, shopping

Pro-social activities that are overdone : Overwork, cleaning, home care, self-care

Approaches to minimizing the effects of passiveaggressive behaviors
 General practices that reduce opportunities for passive-aggressive behaviors
 Bringing conflict into the open: Managing obstruction
 Creating a “no-whining” zone: Managing pouting
 The never-ending deadline: Managing procrastination
 Managing “People-pleasing” behavior
 Spotting and addressing addictive behaviors

A Multi-systemic approach to addressing passive or aggressive behavior: Finding the “Fit”
Fit Factor: Low tolerance for conflict with the student
Evidence: ______________________
1
Fit Factor: Father displays low tolerance for negotiation, conflict related to child behavior.
Evidence: _____________________
2
Target
Behavior:
FATHER NOT
ENSURING
SCHOOL
ATTENDANCE
Fit Factor: Father does not believe education and school attendance are important
Evidence: _____________________
3
Fit Factor: Father works nights and sleeps in the morning
Evidence:_______________________
5
4
Fit Factor: Father supports noncompliance with adult supervision
Evidence: ____________________
Fit Factors: Based on observable, measurable information.

General practices that reduce opportunities for passive-aggressive behaviors
 Communicate clear expectations
 Have a ‘Plan-B’ not dependent upon the other person
 Maintain good boundaries

Bringing conflict into the open: Managing obstruction
 Widen the team : Bring a ‘committee’ or work team approach to tasks, such as that of the PET; supervisors or colleagues can also help
 Avoid personal statements : Describe behavior, expectations, and alternatives
 Be positive : Combine praise or support with expressions of expectations
 Track steps and outcomes in processes

Creating a “no-whining” zone: Managing pouting

Never make their problem seem more important to you than to them. Don't reprimand, threaten, punish, or tease a sulking person. Just let others work their problems out on their own. If you feel compelled to interfere, leave the room.

Role-play situations that tend to incite others to sulk or pout.

Use questioning: " What are you trying to tell me? I need words to understand you." "Do you think your behavior will accomplish what you want it to?" " Do you like it when other are upset with you?"
"How do you feel about them when they are?"
 Give choices: “ Would you prefer to check in with me or the assistant principal each week?”

Do you want to pout in your room or stay here and think of a solution to your problem?“

The never-ending deadline:
Managing procrastination
 Define the problem as precisely as possible
 Describe the behavior, not your judgment
 Communicate the problem directly
 Create an air of friendly competition
 Track progress in writing in easily-visible settings
 Solicit commitment, NOT compliance
 Divide work into ‘chunks’ or segments
 Offer assistance, or ask others to help mentor the individual

Managing “Peoplepleasing” behavior

Praise teamwork as much as self-sacrifice
 Challenge self-deprecation with a challenge to complete the task
 Encourage key team participants to share positive experiences they have had with a ‘people-pleasing’ individual when they worked well with others (e.g., “
Sally,
I heard from Bill that you did a great job working with Ted to finish the plan for the student we saw today”)

Spotting and addressing addictive behaviors
 Trends in behavior that reflect an addiction
 Chronic stress despite the individual describing or displaying activities that should reduce stress
 Emotional lability or over-reactions
 Failure to access support
 Self-sabotage or self-defeating behaviors
 Expressions of hopelessness
How to address addictive behaviors :
 Speak with your supervisor!

Maintaining self-care and boundaries
 Notice your emotional reactions to passive behaviors and give voice to them
 Check your perceptions with others
 Judge the effects of the behavior, not other individuals
 “It takes one to know one”: Accept the possibility that you are noticing a need of your own when you encounter passive-aggressive behaviors in others
 Seek supervision, training, and teamwork opportunities

Maintaining self-care and boundaries:
Revisiting Dr. Poussaint
“To ignore passivity in ourselves and others equals passivity on our part; To ignore opportunities for assertiveness with others may be to encourage aggressiveness from others, and at a time and place not of our choosing.”
-- "Black Children: Coping in a Racist Society" by Alvin F. Poussaint, Voices of Multicultural America: Notable Speeches
Delivered by African, Asian, Hispanic and Native Americans , 1790-1995, ed.
Deborah Gillan Straub, Detroit: Gale Research, 1996)

Case studies
A parent who is angry at her children’s principal due to the disciplining of her child on a Friday, has been invited to meet with school staff on Monday morning.
The meeting is confirmed for 10am. The parent arrives at 10:45, explaining that she experienced difficulty finding her shoes, then stopped at Dunkin’
Donuts since “you people never serve coffee at these meetings”.

Case studies
A teacher named Ed volunteers to help complete a project, despite telling co-workers that he feels overextended. He makes a date to work after school, but does not show up or call. The next day, when this is mentioned, he tells his co-workers that he had to assist a friend whose car broke down, and that the friend did not have a cell phone. Ed re-schedules the meeting, but comes late to the meeting, interrupting the group with a story about his youth coaching commitments and his busy schedule.

Case studies
A parent’s complaints about the ‘uncaring school district’ escalates until she screams at you during a meeting that you are the reason her son is truant and missing school. She tells others that she doesn’t want to meet because you are “targeting” her and her son “because we’re poor and don’t dress up like some people”. When you try to ask questions or share your perceptions, she folds her arms, rolls her eyes, and taps her feet on the floor. When the meeting ends, she apologizes for becoming upset but, later that day, she tells her son that his teacher is ‘worthless and out to get students because they have special needs’.

Discussion