Improving Your
Self-Disclosure:
Why You Should
Care
By: Megan Trindell
As human beings, we create our own
reality through interactions with others.
The relationships we have with others
are fully based on these interactions, and
are maintained through continual
interactions.
Self-disclosure is an
example of such an interaction, and we
are constantly engaging in it with the
people around us. It is imperative that
everyone understands the importance of
it. Improving your own acts of selfdisclosure will ensure that your
communication is the most successful
that it can be, and that you have better
relationships overall!
What is Self-Disclosure?
According to researchers Kathryn
Greene, Valerian J. Delerga, and Alicia
Mathews in their study entitled “SelfDisclosure in Personal Relationships,”
self-disclosure plays a vital part in
building the relationships we have with
one another. Essentially, self-disclosure
is one of the most important aspects of
human communication. In order to
understand it better, let’s take a closer
look at what it really is.
As defined by Don Orban in his 2001
article entitled, “Developing SelfDisclosure and Empathic Response
Skills,” self-disclosure is “the sharing of
ideas, feelings, beliefs, or actions that
are personal or private.” And according
to Kathryn Greene and her colleagues,
self-disclosure happens during an
interaction with another person, when
one party intentionally divulges
something personal to the other party.
Sharing meaning is a function of selfdisclosure, and there are two types of
self-disclosure that allow us to do this.
Descriptive self-disclosures consist of
facts and information about oneself that
are less personal, while evaluative selfdisclosures consist of personal feelings,
judgments, and opinions. We use both
forms of self-disclosure in all of the
relationships we are currently in
(romantic or not), but there are certain
stages within a relationship where one
form is more prevalent in the
communication used.
So...Why Does It Matter?
Hopefully by now, the importance of
self-disclosure within relationships is
becoming clearer. This section will take
a look at the importance of improving
your self-disclosure. There are two
main reasons why self-disclosure is so
important: 1) getting feedback and
support from others, and 2) relationship
development.
~Social Validation~
Improving your self-disclosure skills is
important because we can use selfdisclosure to get feedback, help, and
support from others. This idea is called
‘social validation’ by authors Valerian J.
Derlega, Sandra Metts, Sandra Petronio,
and Stephen T. Margulis, who wrote the
book “Self-Disclosure” in 1993. In it,
they describe social validation as
“getting feedback from others about our
thoughts or feelings or getting help with
problems in our lives.” People like to
feel secure about the decisions they
make, or the thoughts they’re having;
this is just human nature. As described
by researchers Michael Hecht, Tara
Shepherd, and M. Joanne Hall, selfdisclosure plays a very central role in
the therapy process. Talking through
personal feelings and problems is one of
the best ways to relive stress and solve
these problems.
~Relationship development~
Research shows that the most important
(and maybe the most obvious) function
of self-disclosure is relationship
development. Think about this for a
minute; in order to start a relationship
with someone (romantic or not), selfdisclosure must occur at the beginning.
Otherwise, how else are you going to
get to know the person and start a
relationship? Valerian J. Derlega and
her colleagues elaborate on this idea in
their book. They suggest thinking of this
function in this way: imagine you have
just been introduced to someone at a
party. Your communication at this stage
of your relationship will most likely
consist of descriptive self-disclosures,
because a presence of intimacy has yet
to be established. If you decide you like
this person, you will begin to disclose
more personal things about yourself,
like feelings or attitudes, i.e. evaluative
self-disclosures.
Your relationship will continue to
develop as long as self-disclosure
likewise continues to occur. In their
report entitled “Self-Disclosure in
Friendship,” Lilly Schubert Walker and
Paul H. Wright explain that “as
exchanges between people increase in
depth (levels of intimacy) and breadth
(amount of information), relationships
become more rewarding to the
recipients.” Their study investigated
friendship as a function of selfdisclosure, and found that “as the level
of intimacy of self-disclosure between
acquaintances increased, the degree of
liking increased.” People who disclose
more personal things to each other have
a deeper connection and a stronger
relationship with each other; this is not
surprising. You and your significant
other (who you share almost everything
with) are most likely going to be closer
than you are with your friend who you
only talk to in class. It’s not hard to see
that meaningful communication is
essential to the formation of any
relationship.
How to Improve
As previously stated, self-disclosure is
an essential aspect of communication
within relationships. Researcher Terry
R. Armstrong explains that “good
communication is the result of a good
balance between self-disclosure and
feedback.” It’s clear that it plays a
central role in our communication,
which is why it is so important to
develop good self-disclosure skills.
The first step in improving your selfdisclosure deals with the more technical
side of this concept. Researcher Don
Orban shares that the genuineness of an
act of disclosure is important for
eliciting the type of response we desire
(supportive, caring, etc). This can be
enhanced by both the verbal and
nonverbal signals within the act of
disclosure. He says that to self-disclose
effectively, we should use “I” messages
to show ownership for our feelings.
Furthermore, Orban suggests that selfdisclosure should “continue and move to
deeper levels” only if “the receiver is
reciprocating in an empathic manner.”
Because reciprocation is such an integral
part of self-disclosure, it must occur in
order to disclosure to continue and also
be meaningful.
Another step you can take to improve
your self-disclosure is to become more
flexible in your disclosures. This idea is
elaborated upon by researchers Gordon
J. Chelune and Jorge L. Figueroa in their
article in the Western Journal of Speech
Communication.
They explain that
disclosure flexibility is the “ability of an
individual to adequately differentiate
various situational and interpersonal
cues and adapt his or her disclosures
accordingly.” According to their work,
the ability to do so indicates very
positive mental functioning. Being
conscious of your situation and
environment is absolutely crucial to
effective self-disclosure. Be aware of
your surroundings and consider the
following; are you in a private location,
is there enough time available to talk,
does your disclosure fit well into the
flow of conversation? As Michael
Hecht and his colleagues explain, “the
importance of self-disclosure as a
communication construct is reflected in
the desired response it achieves.” Selfdisclosure works the way it does
(getting
feedback,
developing
relationships, etc.) because it is entirely
based on an exchange of information
between two people. If your situation
and environment are not conducive to
effective disclosure, then you may want
to reconsider disclosing and save it for a
time when your receiver will be able to
better respond to your thoughts.
The next step in improving your selfdisclosure is realizing the responsibility
you are taking on when deciding to
disclose. By consciously disclosing to
another person, you must be willing to
provide the same support that they are
providing for you. Individuals in a
relationship (romantic or not), “are
likely to exchange roles of discloser and
recipient within a conversation and
across time as they coordinate their
needs and expectations about disclosing
or listening,” according to Kathryn
Green and her colleagues. Anyone who
engages in self-disclosure must be
willing to abide by this change in roles
among partners.
Lastly, one more step that should be
taken to improve your self-disclosure is
to seek out an appropriate acquaintance
with whom to disclose. Being able to
discern who will respond to your selfdisclosure in the most positive way is a
skill that everyone should learn. For
example, while it’s perfectly fine for
you to discuss the problems you and
your boyfriend are having with your
best friend, that topic probably isn’t the
best thing to bring up with someone you
just met at a party. As researcher Don
Orban puts it, “for self-disclosure to be
appropriate, there should be a perception
of an acceptable level of trust, caring,
and commitment with the person who
receives the disclosure.” In order for
you to get the most out of your selfdisclosure, you should feel comfortable
disclosing personal thoughts with them.
Self-disclosure is a vital part of human
communication, and helps us get advice
from those we trust with our disclosures,
as well as develop relationships with
new people. Because it plays such a
huge role in our lives, it is essential that
everyone understands how they can
improve their own acts of disclosure and
enhance their communication skills and
relationships with others!
About the Author
Megan Trindell
is a junior
Interpersonal
Communication
Major and has a
minor in
Spanish. She
enjoys
photography,
playing
volleyball, and
applying
material from
her interpersonal
communication
class to real life!
References
Armstrong, T. R. (2006). Revisiting the Johari
Window: Improving communications through selfdisclosure and feedback. Human Development,
27(2), 10-14.
Chelune, G. J., & Figueroa, J. L. (1981). Self-Disclosure
flexibility, neuroticism, and effective interpersonal
communication. The Western Journal of Speech
Communication, (45), 27-37.
Derlega, V. J., Metts, S., Petronio, S., & Margulis, S. T. (1993).
Self-Disclosure. Newbury Park, CA: Sage.
Greene, K., Delerga, V. J., & Mathews, A. (2006). SlefDisclosure in personal relationships. The
Cambridge Handbook of Personal Relationships,
409-427.
Hecht, M., Shepherd, T., & Hall, M. J. (1979). Multivariate
indices of the effects of self-disclosure. The
Western Journal of Speech Communication, (43),
235-245.
Orban, D. (2001). Developing self-disclosure and empathic
response skills. Communication Teacher, 15(3), 46.
Walker, L. S., & Wright, P. H. (1976). Self-Disclosure in
Friendship. Perceptual and Motor Skills, (42),
735-742.