Wisdom from Proverbs:
Parents & Children
University Chapel
August 16, 2009
Margaret Cottle
Welcome to newcomers and visitors.
Today there is a high probability that
some of our guests will not have
English as their first language, so I
shall try to include the majority of my
talk on the powerpoint slides.
I hope you brought your lunch…
Overview
Main message of Proverbs: “Don’t be
stupid!”
Context framed as advice from father to son
Not universal promises, but observations
about how the world generally functions
Proverbs so far…
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Wisdom and Folly contrasted
Managing money
Power of words
Sexual purity
Money:
generosity vs greed
A generous man will prosper;
he who refreshes others will himself be
refreshed.
Proverbs 11:25
A greedy man brings trouble to his family,
but he who hates bribes will live.
Proverbs 15:27
Words:
Reckless words pierce like a sword,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 12:18
My son, if your heart is wise,
then my heart will be glad;
my inmost being will rejoice
when your lips speak what is right.
Proverbs 23:15-16
Sexual purity
Sexual choices have consequences:
(including kids!)
My son, pay attention to what I say;
listen closely to my words.
Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;
for they are life to those who find them
and health to a man’s whole body.
Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
Proverbs 4: 20-23
Still to come…
• Proper attitudes
• Care of the Land
• Diligence in Work
• All refined in the crucible of family life
Parents & Children:
Huge topic, involves everyone-we are all children, and we all participate in
the lives of children and parents in our
community.
Time constraints prohibit a discussion
including the pain of infertility, childlessness,
single-parent challenges or divorce.
Current cultural attitudes re
parents and children:
very polarized
No Kids: 40 Good Reasons
Not to Have Children
by Corinne Maier, 2007 (Fr) 2009 (Eng)
• French mother of 2
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•
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Reasons to avoid having kids:
•You will lose touch with your friends
•Your sex life will be over
•Children cost a fortune
•Child-rearing is endless drudgery
•Vacations will be nightmares
•You’ll lose your identity and become just “mom” or “dad”
•Your children will become mindless drones of capitalism
•The planet’s already overcrowded
•Your children will inevitably disappoint you
Corinne Maier cont’d
• “the child is a vicious, innately cruel dwarf”
– French novelist Michel Houellebecq
• “we have to be selfish”
• we should “demand paradise for ourselves”
• Reason #25-- It takes real courage to keep saying,
“Me first”
• “selfishness can be good for society”
Housebroken,
Confessions of a Stay-at-Home Dad
By David Eddie, 2000
• Canadian writer and journalist
• “I am so much more living my own life than I
would have been if I had prosecuted my
desire not to have kids when I was 20.” (CBC
radio)
• I have a “fuller, richer life” now
• Lose cabin pressure model
• beware “cult of kids” (cf Perfect Madness by
Judith Warner)
Broadway & Hollywood…
Kids!
You can talk and talk till your face is blue!
Kids!
But they still just do what they want to do!
Why can't they be like we were,
Perfect in every way?
What's the matter with kids today?
From Bye, Bye Birdie
(Also: irreverent spoof of this song on The Simpsons)
Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke,
You gotta understand,
It's just our bringin' up-ke
That gets us out of hand.
Our mothers all are junkies,
Our fathers all are drunks.
Golly Moses, natcherly we're punks!
Gee, Officer Krupke, we're very upset;
We never had the love that ev'ry child oughta get.
We ain't no delinquents,
We're misunderstood.
Deep down inside us there is good!
From West Side Story
Plant a carrot,
Get a carrot,
Not a Brussels sprout.
That's why I love vegetables.
You know what you're about!
But if your issue
Doesn't kiss you,
Then I wish you luck.
For once you've planted children,
You're absolutely stuck!
From The Fantasticks
Parents were invented to make children
happy by giving them something to ignore.
Ogden Nash
1902-1971
The reason grandchildren and
grandparents get along so well is that
they have a common enemy.
Sam Levenson
1911-1980
"If life is theater, then parenting is improv."
Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
(retired writer)
By the time a man realizes that
maybe his father was right, he
usually has a son who thinks he's
wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
University Chapel
Survey
• Respondents:
– Cultural roots in at least 9 countries
– All age groups
– Both men and women
• Note unity of themes
• Many thanks to all who participated
survey
• Best thing your parents do or say?
(teens)
– “Spend time with you and give you really
good advice even though we think they are
clueless.”
– “I love you.”
survey
• Best thing your parents do or say, or did in
the past? (young adults)
• “They make me their first priority (whenever I
visit). They are also very affectionate with me
by giving me hugs and kisses even now.”
• “In the past, the BEST thing my dad said to
me was ‘I’m learning too… I’m always open
to listening. This is all new for me too.’”
survey
• Best thing your parents do or say, or did in the past?
(young adults)
• “They trust me and let me explore life even when
they think I’m making a mistake.”
• “They tell me they love me. Showed up for almost
every single game/concert/competition when I was
growing up. Included us in vacations/meals with other
families.”
survey
• Best thing your parents do or say, or did in the past?
(young adults)
• “My parents were role models for me in being faithful
to one another and being committed to providing for
their children.”
• “My mother has always been free in offering words of
affirmation…that contributed to my confidence and
self-esteem. My father always reminds me of God’s
love for me. During my ‘rebellious teenage years’
that always kept me from crossing the ‘point of no
return’ with my rebellion.”
survey
• Best thing your parents do or say, or did in the past?
(older adults)
• “They provided a happy childhood for me.”
• “They treated me with respect, not belittling or
dictating but discussing and explaining;
communicated high expectations--assuming without
discussion: integrity, high marks and going to
university. Set a good example--curiosity and
diligence”
• “I always knew that I would be accountable for my
actions; they paid attention to where I was and what I
was doing; they made themselves available.”
survey
• Best thing your parents do or say, or did in the past?
(older adults)
• “I could always count on them to encourage me and
to believe in me.”
• “They trusted me fearlessly, and that made me want
to be trustworthy.”
• “They loved and guided me in Godly values,
encouraged and supported me in every way they
could.”
survey
• Best thing your kids do or say? (young adults)
• “Smile at us and ask for cuddle time.”
survey
• Best thing your kids do or say? (older adults)
• “Spontaneous expressions of gratitude and
appreciation; lack of any recrimination. Exceeding my
hopes or expectations for them in many ways.”
• “They seem to enjoy life.”
• “Generally speaking they are very appreciative and
encouraging.”
• “Give us unconditional love and forgiveness.”
• “Care for us diligently and gently when we need care,
often spontaneously before we ask for their help.”
survey
• What could parents do or say to promote closer
family relationships? (teens)
• “Talk to kids not necessarily as parents, but as
friends, and give advice as parents.”
• “They could make more of an effort to have family
time.”
• “Spend more time together.”
survey
• What could parents do or say to promote closer
family relationships? (young adults)
• “Parents could let their ‘guard’ down and tell us how
they have failed in the past. This would allow less
pressure to be the perfect children we think our
parents may want us to be. ( My dad failed on his first
day on the job. This enabled me not to be afraid of
failing at work, rather to try again.)”
• “Recognize and admit imperfection; not having all the
answers but modeling trust in God and praying to
Him.”
survey
• What could parents do or say to promote closer
family relationships? (young adults)
• “Ask their children what they think about important
issues…rather than immediately saying “no,” ask the
child for a rationale/reasons. Acknowledge mistakes
and ask for forgiveness. Be the adults/power base
in the family as opposed to the children.”
• “Not forcing children to do things their way; let go of
their past experiences”
survey
• What could parents do or say to promote closer
family relationships? (young adults)
• “Words of encouragement; discipline with love;
provide strong guidelines/boundaries….I now wish
she (mother) had a stronger stance in some areas
instead of always giving in.”
• “Take time for themselves to rest or do whatever they
need to do instead of yelling or being angry/frustrated
at their children because they (parents) are tired or
annoyed.”
survey
• What could parents do or say to promote closer
family relationships? (older adults)
• “My granddaughter has taught me a lot about the joy
of ‘being there’ 100%. She really likes it when I get
right down on her eye-level and focus on her and so
do I! She often says, ‘Sit, Grandpa! No hockey! No
golf!’ …I think ‘no cell phone’ is important, too.”
survey
• What could parents do or say to promote closer
family relationships? (older adults)
• “Play with the kids, take them for outings.”
• “Keep communications open.”
• “Initiate more academic dialogue on a variety of
social, personal and other issues. Make chores a
matter of participation rather than allocation”
survey
• What could kids do or say to promote closer family
relationships? (teens)
• “Respect their parents.”
• “I don’t know.”
survey
• What could kids do or say to promote closer family
relationships? (young adults)
• “Be honest with their parents…be vulnerable to share their fears
with their parents.”
• “Love, respect and honour their parents.”
• “Tone of voice is important…disagreements/differences of
opinion are OK but I don’t think children should talk
condescendingly or sarcastically to their parents.”
• “Initiate conversations and take some time with their parents.”
• “Appreciate what their parents have done for them.”
survey
• What could kids do or say to promote closer family
relationships? (older adults)
• Participate in discussions and chores.
• “Keep parents in the picture as to what they are doing--not easy
when time schedules are frenetically busy.”
• “Always tell the truth.”
• “Remember that parents are constantly learning about being
parents (no matter what age!) and be gracious as they try to
work out how to be and what to do.”
survey
• Top Tips to both parents and kids (teens)
“Respect each other and talk as though you have not
seen each other in ages.”
“Don’t fear the future too much but try to have balance
and to live in the moment if you can.”
“Get along!”
survey
• Top Tips to both parents and kids (young adults)
• “Have open communication with each other,
don’t be afraid to speak out.”
• “Always refer to God’s word in all things
where answers are not clear.”
• “Admit faults and be graceful and show love
and patience to one another.”
survey
• Top Tips to both parents and kids (young adults)
• “Respect and be a good listener.”
• “Be honest about failures and doubts and ask
for forgiveness when needed.”
• “Different stages in life call for different types
of relationships.”
• “Never hold back on saying, ‘I love you.’
Never.”
survey
• Top Tips to both parents and kids (older adults)
• “Have an open, loving personal relationship with the Lord Jesus
by the Spirit and through the Word.”
• “Have fun together.”
• “Never do anything you might regret; because you likely will,
forever.”
• “Do things out of love not obligation; and if the love is not there,
think of all the reasons why is should or could be.”
• “Be aware that parents and children perceive ten times as much
as you thing they do.”
• Spend time one on one; it is totally different and irreplaceable.”
Themes from survey
• Importance of:
• “being there”
– “90% of caring is just showing up.”
– “Kids spell love T-I-M-E.” (so do parents)
• Good communication and mutual
respect must be nurtured; they provide
the foundation for accountability
Themes from Proverbs
• Parent-child relationships take work
– Very intentional
– Note all the words like:
• train, discipline, correction, instruction
• NB cultural context of word “rod”
– NOT condoning brutality! (cf shepherd’s rod)
– Contrasted with concepts such as:
• “a child left to himself disgraces his mother.” Pr 29:15
• Whoever avoids discipline “hates his son” Pr 13:24
• “Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing
party to his death. “ Pr 19:18
Thomas Edison,
inventor
“Opportunity is missed by most people
because it comes dressed in overalls
and looks like work.”
It is easier to build strong
children than to repair broken
men.
Frederick Douglass
1818-1895
African-American born into slavery, escaped and became
a leader in the abolition movement in the US
Easy to be simplistic and legalistic-but care must be taken with
proverbs such as 22:6 “Train a child
in the way he should go, and when
he is old he will not turn from it.”
If perfect parents always resulted in
perfect children, Adam and Eve
would never have sinned.
Frank Schaeffer’s life so far…
More Themes:
both from survey & Proverbs
Godly children bring joy to their parents:
“The father of a righteous man has great
joy;
he who has a wise son delights in him.
May your father and mother be glad;
may she who gave you birth rejoice!”
Proverbs 23:24-25
More Themes:
both from survey &
Proverbs
Godly parents build a legacy of blessing:
“He who fears the LORD has a secure
fortress,
and for his children it will be a refuge.”
Proverbs 14:26
”The righteous man leads a blameless life;
blessed are his children after him.”
Proverbs 20:7
Humility is a good foundation-the root word “audire” gives us the words
for both “listen” and “obey”
Parents and children are both
admonished to “pay attention!”
(especially to the Lord!)
A wise son heeds his father’s instruction,
but a mocker does not listen to rebuke.
Proverbs 13:1
A fool spurns his father’s discipline,
but whoever heeds correction shows prudence.
Proverbs 15:5
Listen, my son, and be wise,
and keep your heart on the right path.
Proverbs 23:19.
Micah 6:8
He has showed you, O man, what is
good. And what does the LORD require
of you? To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
Both Old and New Testaments are
very clear that all children are
blessings and gifts from God.
We shall all be held accountable for
how we use our opportunities to
make eternal contributions to the
lives of children and parents.
“We must be a people who stand
ready to receive and care for any
child, not just as if it were one of
ours, but because in fact each is
one of ours.”
Stanley Hauerwas
Caution: Beware the prevailing
philosophy in the developed
world that people are “pests.”
Note: doom and gloom of
1960’s “population explosion”
did not happen; many Western
countries are now very
concerned about declining
populations.
Parents and Children
Very important to God
one of Ten Commandments
expanded on in Deuteronomy 6
--foundation for “wisdom” in Proverbs
Ten Commandments
Exodus 20:1-17; Deuteronomy 5:6-21
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No other gods
No idols
Do not misuse the
Lord’s name
Observe the Sabbath
Honor your father &
your mother
• Do not murder
• Do not commit
adultery
• Do not steal
• Do not give false
testimony
• Do not covet
Fifth Commandment sited by the
Apostle Paul in the New Testament:
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for
this is right. “Honor your father and
mother”—which is the first commandment
with a promise—“that it may go well with
you and that you may enjoy long life on the
earth.”
Ephesians 6: 1-3
“Okay, we get the idea, but
how do we put these
principles into practice?”
UC survey cont’d
“My own dad was great about letting my sister and me know that we
were loved and appreciated and in praising us for work well done, and
I am very grateful for that. However, I am concerned that, now that we
are parents, my generation has moved too much in this direction, such
that our words of love and congratulation to our children have become
less meaningful and perhaps have even led to overconfidence, pride
and and exaggerated view of one's importance…. Any suggestions
you can make along the lines of, ‘How to raise a child that has healthy
self-esteem but is not overconfident, mouthy and wise in his own eyes’
would be welcome.”
(Parent of a 4 year old)
Deuteronomy 6:
The ten commandments applied
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1-3: context of community
4-6: personal character & devotion
7-9: how to raise godly children
10-12: beware prosperity!
13-15: Don’t follow other gods
17-19: Keep the Lord’s commands
20-25: Remember! (includes Mosaic covenant)
NB: universe is morally consequential!
Note the strong emphasis on the everyday
& the ordinary in Deuteronomy 6.
Deuteronomy 6:1-3
community
• Woven into the fabric of the church
– (All help each other with “oxygen
masks”)
• “chosen” family
• Practice hospitality
– Nuanced discussions of complex issues
– Adults who pay attention
– Good demonstration of human nature
• What is a Family by Edith Schaeffer
Deuteronomy 6: 4-6
character
• Jay Kessler--love each other!
• Model growth, struggle and integrity
– Be genuine--gift of true self
• Know your Bible
– Study to show yourself approved
– Not tossed by every wind of doctrine
• Pray
• Forgive--no “buts”!!
Deuteronomy 6: 7-9
Godly children
• Hebrew poetry: Impress these commandments
on your children when you:
– Sit at home/walk along the road
– Lie down/get up
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Tie them on your hands
Bind them on your foreheads
Write them on the doorframes of your houses
Write them on your gates
Sit at Home
• Someone needs to be home-– this is between you, your spouse and the Lord
– Avoid over-commitment for everyone
• Minimize: TV; video games; internet junk
• Enjoy: good meals (includes conversation),
music, literature & art
• Mutual courtesy & respect, even in anger
– (Ephesians 4)
• Remember hospitality
Walk along the road
• Analyze culture in the light of Scripture
– No topic is out of bounds
• Relate to the outside world with integrity
• Model a life of service to others
• Beatitudes as a foundation
– Matthew 5
Alan & the “pumps”
When you lie down and get up
• Read aloud from Bible and good books
– every good story is His story!
– C.S. Lewis re. children’s imaginations
• Review the day & pray
• NB Biblical definition of beauty
– 1 Peter 3
• Biblical definition of “success”
– Philippians 2
Tie them on your hands
• Work--duty yet fun when possible
– Patricia Sprinkle: Do I Have To?
• Reach out to others
– treatment help for “affluenza”
• Creativity-– Hidden Art by Edith Schaeffer
If you want children to keep their
feet on the ground, put some
responsibility on their shoulders.
Abigail Van Buren
(“Dear Abby”; born 1918)
Bind them on your foreheads
• Garbage in = garbage out
• Learn & teach critical thinking
– “Why is there not enough food in Africa?”
• No whining
• Frankl
When we are no longer able to change a situation
we are challenged to change ourselves.
Dr. Viktor E. Frankl
The Last Freedom
We who lived in concentration camps can
Remember the men who walked through
the huts comforting others, giving away
their last piece of bread. They may have been
few in number, but they offer sufficient proof
that everything can be taken from a man
but one thing: the last of the human freedoms
-- to choose one's attitude in any given set of
circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Man's Search for Meaning
John Patrick’s Nine Universal
Questions
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Where did I come from?
Why am I here?
Where am I going?
How do I come to terms with death?
How can I make sense of suffering?
How can I possibly believe in justice?
What can I know?
What should I believe?
What must I do?
Doorframes and Gates:
at home & in the marketplace
Be flexible
Take every opportunity to remind
them of their godly heritage and
responsibility for obedience.
BUT: DO NOT NAG!!!
Model dependence on the
grace of God
The Robin & Margaret
Cottle “Two-Word”
Philosophy of Parenting:
Minimize guilt.
You can only control your own
choices, not your children’s
thoughts or actions.
My friend’s comment in
answer to my desperate
concern about being
“spiritually mature” when my
children were young…
“Face it, Margaret, if you hadn’t
had those children, you wouldn’t
have been that spiritually mature
when you were 65!”
Rebecca Burke
1985
What would I do
differently?
• Take myself way less seriously
• Be less punitive and more consequential in
discipline
• Emphasize Bible stories from an earlier age
• More great meals together (cf Adolescent
Health study in JAMA Sept 10, 1997)
• Try to remember that the “good” can
interfere with the “best”
What would I do differently?
Get a dog
WAY
SOONER!
What would I do differently?
• Ignore people who made light of
how hard it was to live with
“naturally schizophrenic” preschoolers.
• Really ignore people who said, “If
you think they’re hard now, just wait
until they’re teenagers.”
What I continue to do & would do again…
• Study and teach the Bible
• Realize that I cannot “have it all”
• Choose to be contented
– Edith Schaeffer--do not let what you cannot have ruin
what you do have!
– Accepted the ministry opportunities God sends
• Choose to work hard at hospitality & building
community
– Especially reaching out to others when I am needy
• Support medical student & residents
– (Investing in the future)
Heavenly Father’s love and care:
faithfulness and lovingkindness
grace and truth
Christ’s example: Agape love
Only possible for me through the
empowering of the Holy Spirit
Love does not delight in evil but
rejoices with the truth. It always
protects, always trusts, always
hopes, always perseveres. Love
never fails.
1 Corinthians 13: 6-8
Never give up!
On the Sunday our family gathered to celebrate
my father’s 85th birthday, he surprised and
thrilled us by being baptized to demonstrate his
new-found faith in Christ.
“O Sacred Head Now Wounded”
My email
mmcottle@mac.com